To not want my PIL to pay for my DC private school fees?

[swimmerforlife]

For context, I get along with DH's parents perfectly well, they are absolutely loaded though and DH (along with his siblings) were privately educated from reception onwards. I grew up on the breadline and was state educated for all my schooling.

It was always the plan for our dc to be state educated as we couldn't afford private fees, however the subject of schools came up in conversation over the weekend and PIL offered to pay for both DS1 and DS2 fees if we decided to go private (DS1 will be 4 early next year).

DH now desperately wants DS1 to be privately educated and is willing to accept PIL offer as he thrived in private school, whilst I am not totally against private schooling, I feel my DSs will learn and be educated just as well at state. After all I am University educated...

Also, I don't want to feel I / DH or the DSs 'owe' PIL anything because the paid for our DSs private education, I really don't want to have that hanging over our heads for the next 20+ years.

Besides, DH had no qualms with our DCs being state educated before PILs offer. Now DH has gone and changed his mind after everything was practically agreed.

AIBU?

swimmerforlife - all schools are different! You can't generalise about private schools being academic and pushy and state schools not being. You have to look at each school. Where we are (lucky us) the state school is arguably better than the local private schools. It is the school of choice for a lot of families, whether they can afford private schools or not.

Why do you think she will expect academic excellence? Is it a real pressure or are you assuming? Have you actually talked to her about that?

Look at the schools and have a think about what best suits your kids.

I'm from a similar background to you OP, my DH from a similar background to your DH. We made the private school decision (though it was DH's earnings that paid so no added complexity of considering GPs views).

I thought I would hate the idea, I thought I would feel out of place as the parent of a private school kid, I thought I would feel I did not belong and that I was raising a sheltered child. I was worried my DD would grow up to be a person I might not like.

My fears were unfounded. We found the most lovely school, friendly, inclusive (no testing on entry accepts kids with disabilities and SEN). It is just the most lovely place for them to learn and DD loved every moment of it (we relocated and needed to leave, the hardest part was leaving the school). I was so pleased we could give DD that gift.

My own parents refused to allow me to take the exam for a scholarship to our local private secondary school. I'd have been so much happier there - not sure I really forgive them for that. They wanted me to stay 'normal'. It just meant I never fitted in and was never happy.

The key it to find a school that will best suit your kids, whether state or private.

Yabu, your children wouldn't even exist without your PIL.
They don't want you to accept money , they are not offering you anything, they want to help their grandchildren.

YANBU

Totally agree with DeathStare. This is not a good idea for lots of reasons, aside from the ethical dilemma (on which I entirely agree with you!).

Totally agree with DeathStare. This is not a good idea for lots of reasons, aside from the ethical dilemma (on which I entirely agree with you!).

Totally agree with DeathStare. This is not a good idea for lots of reasons, aside from the ethical dilemma (on which I entirely agree with you!).

I would agree with you OP. I had an excellent primary state education which I absolutely loved and then went secondary private. However, this was only because the state one nearby was poor. My children are in state primary and doing very well. We will consider our options for secondary. We have a good secondary state school nearby, Grammar school is a possibility then and we will also consider private. By then we will know exactly the best route for our children. I suspect my eldest will prefer to stay with her friends and just get a good all round education whilst my youngest will want to go to a private school specialising in sports. There is far more financial at private secondary as well - bursaries, scholarships etc which will take the pressure off accepting a lot of money

Yabu, your children wouldn't even exist without your PIL.

What a ridiculous post.

I dont know where to stand on this, because I think its a good opportunity but can you afford everything that comes with private school?

Well it's going to be close to 20 years...

Anyway after reading this thread I have opened my eyes a lot more to Private schooling, I need to have a close look at both the state schools in my area, I just feel I may not cope with the level of financial help PILs are giving us.

I honestly don't know if my MIL will expect academic excellence, I am worried she will, which is why I need to have a discussion with her about if she expects anything.

I would feel uncomfortable accepting because the stability of your DCs education would be dependent on finances you have no control over. Also, what happens if you have another DC?
But you are doing absolutely the right thing looking into both options.

"Yes, I have agreed to go round a local Private school and DH is going to come round a couple of state schools and if I see that they offer what could hugely benefit DS1 then I will consider."

This sounds like a really good plan.

Also, have a read of this thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a2745669-To-tell-parents-of-children-applying-for-reception-2017-to-read-this-thread?msgid=64013734#64013734 about state school reception applications, and make sure you factor in whether you stand a chance of getting an offer from the state schools you go to see.

And talk to PILs about their offer again. Have they noticed the massive increase in private school fees since the 00s? Are they really up for it long haul?

What this offer does is increase your choices. It's a fantastic opportunity.

"for me state primary education is very important" - this does sound like state v private ideology tbh.

The people who think the OP is being mad?? Really?

Clearly there is no one correct answer on what she should do here but surely in principle the fact that you are committing to your parents paying very significant sums of money for something very significant indeed (children's education) is a fact that needs to be thought about carefully in the context of the particular relationship. And surely it is not mad to at least think about potential boundary issues and relational dynamics if they go ahead.

In our case, if my parents offered to do this, we would prob accept (and be enormously grateful), because we have a close, adult open relationship with them and would feel confident that we could talk through any problems that might come up. Also we'd be confident there'd be no strings attached.

We would be unlikely to accept the same from DH's family though we'd certainly express our heartfelt gratitude. While they are lovely people in many ways and we have a warm (if slightly distant) relationship with them, they do have problems with boundaries, intrusion and seeing others as an extension of themselves. I think allowing them to pay for school fees would be a recipe for disaster and DH certainly would not want that kind of relationship with them.

I wouldn't get hung up on the university thing, sure they were diappointed that BIL didn’t go but I'm assuming it isn't brought up constantly or they've disowned him. Some people do place a lot of worth in university, and this will probably be the case whether they've paid or not.

Hopefully school will all go swimmingly for your children but I wouldn't be too hasty in turning the off down full stop.

And I happily show my IL's the DC school report. MIL is always keen. What's the big deal?

If I were a teen and I knew what my parents had turned down because they didn't want anyone else to have any "control" over them I might feel very hard done by.

My education was shit. My parents did their best bu their "get on with it" attitude meant I was stuck in a horrible school for five years. I did eventually do well and got a degree etc but I still feel the waste of those years. I could be so much better off now if I had had a decent secondary education.

No-one is controlling anyone. People have views and opinions and offer help and advice. I hope that you find the right school whether private or state.

It is very common for GPs to pay for school fees, for nannies, for house deposits. Be open minded about the possibilities that GPs are offering.

Do you think your PILs view it as helping you and their son, or is it more something they want to do for their grandchildren? It sounds to me that they rate private education highly which is their focus rather than a reflection on your finances. You know them better obviously!

YABU. I would choose a good private school over a good comp (11+ etc) to give my children access to something broader than the education required for exams.

I went to both, but mainly private, DH went to a v tough scottish secondary. After meeting my friends he is convinced that our inner confidence to tackle anything is a group trait and stems from school. He is also a finanicially successful man in his own right but socially lacks the confidence of his work peers.

I think some people on here - like the OP's DH - are blinded by the huge cost of private school fees paid over 20 years and are seeing it as a gift of money with no strings, rather than potentially opening the door to a lifetime of indebtedness for the OP and her DH.

OP, how do your PIL know that you're not already considering private school and are working out how to afford it? Do you think your DH might have had a conversation with them which led to their making the offer?

I think you have the right approach OP. Only once you have visited the private and state schools in question will you have a feel for which one might be best for your DC.
Try to forget about the funding issue when you look around and just compare the schools - teachers, pupils, general atmosphere etc. Please don't be put off private just because you didn't go to a private school. Equally, your DH might be pleasantly surprised at the state school on offer.
Once you have a firm idea of schools, have a frank chat with you PIL to find out what their expectations are. And calculate roughly how much it would cost to send your DC private from reception - 18. Make sure PIL understand the costs involved. And especially if you go on to have any more DC. If you do decide to accept their very generous offer, perhaps they could set up an education trust fund to secure the money?
Good luck. In some ways it's a nice 'problem' to have, but I understand your dilemma because we were in a very similar situation.

I think you have the right approach OP. Only once you have visited the private and state schools in question will you have a feel for which one might be best for your DC.
Try to forget about the funding issue when you look around and just compare the schools - teachers, pupils, general atmosphere etc. Please don't be put off private just because you didn't go to a private school. Equally, your DH might be pleasantly surprised at the state school on offer.
Once you have a firm idea of schools, have a frank chat with you PIL to find out what their expectations are. And calculate roughly how much it would cost to send your DC private from reception - 18. Make sure PIL understand the costs involved. And especially if you go on to have any more DC. If you do decide to accept their very generous offer, perhaps they could set up an education trust fund to secure the money?
Good luck. In some ways it's a nice 'problem' to have, but I understand your dilemma because we were in a very similar situation.

I think you have the right approach OP. Only once you have visited the private and state schools in question will you have a feel for which one might be best for your DC.
Try to forget about the funding issue when you look around and just compare the schools - teachers, pupils, general atmosphere etc. Please don't be put off private just because you didn't go to a private school. Equally, your DH might be pleasantly surprised at the state school on offer.
Once you have a firm idea of schools, have a frank chat with you PIL to find out what their expectations are. And calculate roughly how much it would cost to send your DC private from reception - 18. Make sure PIL understand the costs involved. And especially if you go on to have any more DC. If you do decide to accept their very generous offer, perhaps they could set up an education trust fund to secure the money?
Good luck. In some ways it's a nice 'problem' to have, but I understand your dilemma because we were in a very similar situation.