To not want my PIL to pay for my DC private school fees?

[swimmerforlife]

For context, I get along with DH's parents perfectly well, they are absolutely loaded though and DH (along with his siblings) were privately educated from reception onwards. I grew up on the breadline and was state educated for all my schooling.

It was always the plan for our dc to be state educated as we couldn't afford private fees, however the subject of schools came up in conversation over the weekend and PIL offered to pay for both DS1 and DS2 fees if we decided to go private (DS1 will be 4 early next year).

DH now desperately wants DS1 to be privately educated and is willing to accept PIL offer as he thrived in private school, whilst I am not totally against private schooling, I feel my DSs will learn and be educated just as well at state. After all I am University educated...

Also, I don't want to feel I / DH or the DSs 'owe' PIL anything because the paid for our DSs private education, I really don't want to have that hanging over our heads for the next 20+ years.

Besides, DH had no qualms with our DCs being state educated before PILs offer. Now DH has gone and changed his mind after everything was practically agreed.

AIBU?

Do your ils have a clear idea of what private school costs? And have you factored in all the extra costs that will be associated with it (more expensive uniform etc etc)

My worry would be that they pay for a few years and then change their minds. At that point you risk having to find the money yourselves or go through the upheaval of moving to state education.

I think you should look into it carefully - my own parents made the same offer to me - I refused it for many of the reasons you have stated, didn't want to feel 'obliged' to my parents, don't really believe in the ethics and morals of privately education children, felt it would isolate my DS from 'normal' life ............... however, now having a teenager who hasn't done at all well at school - and spending a fortune on private tuition anyway - (& of course I appreciate that could happen in any school - private or not) I wish I had at least looked into it all a bit more

Why are people making this thread about state vs private education?

It's about the fact that her PIL have thrown a spanner in the works about something that's none of their business.

Yanbu and I totally agree with you and other pp. However, it is very difficult when your dh holds different values to you and he's just as entitled to his views. For him, this was initially not an issue of principles but lack of money. The money obstacle has been removed so he's changed his mind - not unreasonable. What would be unreasonable would be if you felt bullied into making a decision just to please your dh and his parents.

Personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable accepting that level of financial help, for anything, from anyone. But that's me.

I was privately educated and absolutely hated it. The reason why may be relevant to you. My parents were not well off but they scrimped and scrapes to pay the fees. Sadly, any advantages of the allegedly higher education standards were negated by the bullying I was subjected to for being the "poor" kid in amongst all the well-off spoilt brats. Even if your dc is spared the bullying, are you ready for spending the next decade explaining why they can't do all the extracurricular activities their classmates enjoy?

I would take your stance. However, if you were decided to take their offer... They may be loaded, but if, say, they needed top notch residential care (and look how much that would cost) could they then afford 2x fees on top of that?

Private schools can be completely rubbish and state schools can be brilliant.

The concept of 'the best education money can buy' doesn't make sense at all. There is just a particular child and the various educational opportunities available to them.

By offering to pay, OP, your in laws are giving you a greater choice of schools, but the state school may be the best school and you and your DH need to make that decision.

However if their offer means that there is pressure to send your child to a particular school, they may be restricting your choice and that isn't helpful.

I can see why it's such a dilemma for you and for your DH. Perhaps you could thank your in-laws for the generous offer, say you've given it a lot of thought and that if they would be willing to consider it again in future it would be very helpful to have it as a back up but that initially you will send your DCs to state school. Explain that you went to state school and value the diversity in state schools (or whatever it is that appeals to you) and you would rather see how DCs get on there than immediately opt for a private education. How would that sit with your DH?

I would be very uncomfortable relying on someone else for the stability of my child's education. It would be the not knowing for sure that the money would keep coming in for the next 15 years. If suddenly it didn't moving a child from private to state mid-education could be really really disruptive particularly if you need to find an in-year space somewhere and change exam options. Personally I couldn't handle the stress (I also wouldn't send my child on a bursary that wasn't guaranteed or if my income was stretched to afford it).
The only exception is if my ds had issues in the local state school and a fee paying school seemed a better option.

The state schools in our area are perfectly fine imo.

totalrecall yes it is a great opportunity but I was brought up to work for everything yourself, I want to teach my DC the same. I would feel very uncomfortable effectively accepting about 200k+ from PILs whilst trying to teach that

Thats my thoughts exactly rhonda, I mean say, DS1 wanted to become a professional surfer (or whatever), there could be a lot of resentment from PIL after paying £££ on private school fees.

mags, yes if DS1 was seriously unsettled at a state school then I would consider moving to Private.

"Not being as good as the private sector is a failing on the part of the state sector"

Sorry- can't let this pass. What an utterly ridiculous thing to say. It is not a falling on the part of the state system that they have a fraction of the money to spend per child that the private sector has!

As you were.

Op, I would feel very uncomfortable indeed with being in hock to anyone by this much money- whatever it was for. Thanks but no thanks.

OP - have you actually visited the state school you're in catchment for or any of the local private schools? As a PP said earlier, it's really not about state v private as a matter of principle. Some private primaries are not worth the money and state primaries vary enormously too.

What about your DC? Do you think they would thrive better in smaller size classes, or would be fine in a class of 30? ( depending on where you live of course).

Most importantly, what are the secondary school options in your area? State grammars? Good comprehensives? If you are thinking of going private at secondary levels, a prep will prepare your DC for the entrance exams in a way a state primary will not.

It's an EXTREMELY generous offer from your PIL and I think the very least you can do is to not dismiss it out of hand.

DH was privately educated. I was not and didn't see the point. Now we have 4 DC aged 5, 8, 11 and 13 in various London independents. Nobody has helped us with the fees, but I do have to say I don't regret any of it, particularly now two are at secondary level.

My PIL partially supported Dss through private school, so helped rather than paid all. They. Got, understandably, hugely peeved off when he cruised through school, didn't take advantage of it and didn't do as well as he should have done.

It caused tension,and they are v reasonable.

I agree with Suburban - the decision on where your DC go to school should be yours and your DH's. I would also be concerned that this is about control.

I'd be more annoyed about the sudden change of heart in DH, that he is ready to snap there hand off so to speak.
Dp comes from a boarding school background and we send dd private now, we pay for it though. Wouldn't feel comfortable any other way.

I have unlike you OP tried both and if my pil came with such an offer, then pride needs to take the backseat! They are not paying for your education but the education of their grandchildren and you owe them nothing whilst your children get a excellent start. Private was far better then state and went back to private as soon as I could.

Would they expect to be heavily involved on decisions about school?

At the very least, go and look at the schools on offer. Private and state.

Locally, we are lucky enough to have several decent state secondary schools. We also have some outstanding private schools. And a couple of not so good private schools.

If I could get my child into one of the excellent private schools, I would take that chance tomorrow. Outstanding education, amazing pastoral care, and I've seen how much they can offer all their pupils, lots of SEN support as well as opportunities for high achievers which just can't happen in the state schools locally.

But if I were offered the chance for them to go to one of the less good private schools, I would only consider it if we'd tried state and been miserable. Because academically, the state options locally are fine, possibly better than this one.

It's all academic; I don't have anyone able to pay for us and the scholarships are long gone now.

I went to state school, and went to university too. So did most of my friends. But we were a minority in our state school. Our careers education was set up on the assumption that pupils would leave as early as possible. University advice was rubbish, frankly (so poor that my parents did somehow manage to scrape together funds to get my younger siblings into private school for a levels).

Go and look at all of the options. Consider whether your children would be better off in single sex or coed schools. If you did send them private, you wouldn't be slating the local schools, but you might just be giving them the opportunity to excel, rather than to do ok.

Or you might not; horses for courses and all that.

You'd have higher costs for uniform (probably) and extra curricular activities in private school. Would gps pay these or could you rise to them? They might well be offset by the fact that shorter terms would mean you'd be able to take cheaper holidays by going at the start or end of your holidays, when state schools still sitting.

You almost certainly wouldn't be the only family where grandparents are paying; it's pretty common these days.

I'd take the offer in a flash myself, but then I only know people it's worked for.

Fwiw if you are worried about control, and if your in laws are seriously loaded, I do know a couple of families who have had the money set aside and put into educational trusts, paying school fees and helping with university stuff, would that feel more secure than relying on them year by year? I suspect there are tax advantages to doing it that way too...

OP it depends on so many things.

How wealthy are your PILs? Is it an easy offer for them? What do they expect to pay?

Is there a good private school they have in mind? Have you seen it? What opportunities are available there?

I wouldn't take diddly squat from my PILs because the relationship between them and DH isn't great. But I would and intend to pay for my grandchildren to go to private schools. I certainly would not have expectations of any return in that money IYSWIM.

I know I could have done a lot lot better had I gone to a private school. There is lots behind it but overall I think it comes down to the right school for your child. It's of high debate in our house too! But unless I go back to work we can't afford it. Check out the schools see what suits your child. Re: PIL interference personally I think it's a small price to pay for an excellent education IF it's the best school for your children

And yeah, I know quite a lot of kids whose GPs are paying, and it's fine.

It would be all the additional costs associated with a private school that would concern me. Will PIL cover those too? That and I believe that excellent education should be available to all, irrespective of wealth so going private wouldn't be an option for me even if I had the money.

OP what would happen if for some reason your ILs could no longer afford it? You said you oldest DC is 4 so I'm guessing that it would be at least 15 years before they were finished paying for private school fees.

What if they needed the money themselves to pay for their retirement or to pay for private health costs or for nursing home costs (depending on how old they are)?

What if you had another child? Or two? Would they pay for them too? If so that could easily be over 20 years that they have to have the funds available for.

Does your DH have siblings? And if so would they make the same offer if they had children? What may seem like something they can afford for two grandchildren could end up being a pot to be split between 8 or so grandchildren with parents expected to make up the shortfall.

What if you and your DH split up? Would they still pay for the DC's education or would it be used as leverage over residence/contact arrangements?

I personally would have moral objections (as you do) but I would also be concerned that it could leave the children having to move schools if the ILs need the money or are no longer willing to provide it.

You didn't consider private previously because it wasn't an option. Now it is. You should look at the options. If you still feel that the local state school is the best option, go for that.

I wonder if PILs could be persuaded to open a savings account with the equivalent in it? So if you decided state was right now, the savings account could pay for private later? And if private never became a good option, the account could be used to fund university?

I understand not wanting to feel beholden, but this isn't about you.

The associated costs are not always that high.

DC's prep fees included all meals, trips etc. And though the uniform was expensive there was a second hand shop and lots of giving stuff away ( I didn't buy a blazer after the first one - got given them).