To not want my PIL to pay for my DC private school fees?

[swimmerforlife]

For context, I get along with DH's parents perfectly well, they are absolutely loaded though and DH (along with his siblings) were privately educated from reception onwards. I grew up on the breadline and was state educated for all my schooling.

It was always the plan for our dc to be state educated as we couldn't afford private fees, however the subject of schools came up in conversation over the weekend and PIL offered to pay for both DS1 and DS2 fees if we decided to go private (DS1 will be 4 early next year).

DH now desperately wants DS1 to be privately educated and is willing to accept PIL offer as he thrived in private school, whilst I am not totally against private schooling, I feel my DSs will learn and be educated just as well at state. After all I am University educated...

Also, I don't want to feel I / DH or the DSs 'owe' PIL anything because the paid for our DSs private education, I really don't want to have that hanging over our heads for the next 20+ years.

Besides, DH had no qualms with our DCs being state educated before PILs offer. Now DH has gone and changed his mind after everything was practically agreed.

AIBU?

Rhonda , I think you will find its factually correct.

No, I don't think YABU. I'm a teacher and opposed to private education on almost every level. I think it creates divisions in society and I know for a fact someone privately educated will get advantages in life that someone from a state school won't, even if the privately educated person has worse grades.

That said, it depends on the schools in your area and you should go see them both. I certainly wouldn't have thrived in private school and I don't think many kids do.

I do think it could be an issue of control with your PILs. If they pay the fees, they might feel like they're entitled to dictate what options he picks at GCSE or A-Level, for example.

I'd be wary. My aunt gave me money to pay for DD's birthday party and then tried to tell me what to buy, what entertainment to have, not to make it a joint party with grown up DS, even though his birthday was the day before the party. It turned out that he was too ill to come to his own party anyway.

There's no way on Earth that I'd let her pay for DD's education, she'd try to control everything.

YABVvU your DC are in laws grandkids and they want to do something nice for them, grab it with both hands. They will receive a fantastic education and opportunities, that in the state school they woukd never recieve. I was educated primary level at a crumbling stAte school, poor opportunities, bullying and bad teachers; as dad was a Freemason and dying, the Masonic Trust paid for me to go to their school at senior level, I am so pleased. I don't be,I eve I would have achieved so much, had I not gone to the private school.

I am not saying teachers are bad at state schools, there are loads of fantastic teachers and Ta, but resources are limited, classes are very large and the facilities are not as good than private.

Yabu, your children wouldn't even exist without your PIL.

So on the basis of human reproduction we should all accept anything and everything from our parents and PIL to our children, no matter what the cost to ourselves?

What a fucking ridiculous thing to say!

Andnow

Yes it is factually correct.

What exactly has the fact got to do with the OPs issue?

Bogey you should accept that others have a relationship with your dc apart from you.

"I know for a fact someone privately educated will get advantages in life that someone from a state school won't"

"I certainly wouldn't have thrived in private school and I don't think many kids do."

There is contradiction in those two statements. Although i suppose it depends how one defines "thrive".

I don't disagree with your views on private education (although I'm perfectly prepared to admit that I wouldn't sacrifice my own DC's education to those principles and am considering both state and private options for secondary education for DS1 who is in year 5), but the OP doesn't share those views.

AeroFlotGirl

Don't tar all state schools with the same brush. There are excellent state schools and poor private schools. As for the "facilities not as good" point - so what? We have less money to spend, yes, but I think teachers are actually better at state schools. We don't have money to just throw at problems, so we actually bother to try and do things with intelligence and energy. If you don't fit into the incredibly narrow range of private schools, you won't be educated well. If you have different needs, you aren't looked after as well privately.

The fact you think every state school is crumbling and failing is offensive. The school I work at has just received an Outstanding for 3 years in a row. 10 years ago we were at "Acceptable." Good teachers can turn things around but if you just throw money at the problem, you won't.

I personally think private education should be banned. Pump all those fees into taxes instead and give our state schools the money. Nobody should be given advantages purely because their daddy had a few quid.

At the least thank them for the offer and look around the schools on offer. We have opted for an independent primary for DD, with PiLs paying part of the fees. They insisted - something to do with inheritance tax :)

Having researched schools pretty thoroughly, it was genuinely the best option for DD, and she has settled there really well. There's no academic expectation attached, but a desire for her to reach her potential and to enjoy doing that.

I was state educated (in a very rough secondary). I did fine, went to university, have a few degrees...but I hated school. I was bullied for being smart, for trying hard. I know more about drugs and witnessed more violence than I would like DD to be exposed to. It made me quite an anxious teen. DH was state educated (faith school) and did fine - his cohort were bright, smart and well-behaved. It's not about 'what was good for me will be good for the kids', because personalities and opportunities differ. It's about wanting the best for that particular child.

They will receive a fantastic education and opportunities, that in the state school they woukd never receive

That just isn't true. It always depends on the child and the school. There is huge variation in both state and private schools.

YABU to dismiss it out of hand.

You need to:

(1) go and visit the various schools and see which you think is best for DC. Bear in mind you may be too late already for some private schools. Private schools have some obvious benefits, in particular smaller classes and higher staff ratios.

(2) Ask lots of questions (via your DH) of your PILs.

• Does the offer cover primary and secondary?
• Does it cover a third child, if you had one?
• Does it cover extras like school uniform, trips, lunches?
• Do they expect to have a say in the choice of school?
• Do they expect to see school reports? Attend school events? Have a say in subjects chosen?
• What happens if one or both DC isn't academically inclined - will this make them resentful of paying the fees?
• What happens if their financial circumstances change (eg need for costly medical care) - will they stop paying the fees?

If you prefer one of the private schools, if it has space and if PILs give the right answer to all the above - then I think you would be cutting off your nose to spite your face if you refused. But you need to work out the answers to these ifs first.

By the way, my parents are well off and have been financially generous to me and DH and the DC in various ways. There have never been any strings attached. It isn't always about control: sometimes parents and PILs are just nice people!

flowery

What I meant is there are a lot of privately educated kids who find it really tough because the range of people there is incredibly narrow and it is very academic focused. At a state, you will find some sort of group to fit in and I do feel there is better treatment for SEN at state schools.

But also, even if you hate private school, the fact you went at all seems to give you a step up in a lot of ways when it comes to jobs or university applications, even if your grades were not as good as someone who went to a state school.

And there are most certainly drugs in private schools. The possible difference is that the parents are more able to pay for rehab.

YANBU. We could have afforded private school but chose state schools. DCs did fine.

Nakatomi

You totally misread my post and the point I am trying to make. I was talking about my own 1970's crumbling school, with the very negative attitudes of some teachers towards me. I was being bullied, nothing being done about it, I know that if I went to the senior school, the bullying would continue. For me, it was a very positive experience. Beautiful facilities, opportunities that I would never have at the local comprehensive, there was an incident of bullying in my private school, it was stamped out quickly. No not all private schools are good, just as not all state schools are good either. But it is a fantastic opportunity to have if its offered to you.,

People always claim pastoral care is superior at private schools, but the one I went to had a shockingly high rate of attempted suicide, eating disorders and bullying; I think private schools just handle the propaganda better in that respect and are better at "handling" parents whilst also having a free hand to just expel anyone awkward...

Op - the children however are also your DH dc and its also his birth right to want them by virtue of his parents to go to private school. Do you have a right to stand in his way?

also Ragwort Tue 04-Oct-16 08:09:49 was excellent.

I was also in this position - to a very similar degree. However I was saved because - my local primary is excellent. It truly is and more importantly my DD is thriving there. The quality of the teaching and education is excellent, I simply cannot see her having better in a private school, however we have had some niggles, which I dont have time to go into.

On the private bubble its simply not true. People go to private for all sorts of reasons, and they are not shielded from divorce, broken families, cancer, death, loss of parent, abuse and so on. Often like you GP do pay the fees so the parents are not well off at all.

will write more later.

I think the only issue is what each school has to offer. Whether the private one is boarding. Looking at having friends in the local community and not ones that are scattered in the school holidays.

Also discuss with the PILS if they have expectations from this gift? If yes or you feel uncomfortable with their answers then reject their offer.

Lots of other things to consider I'm sure, but the decision should be in the interest of the children.

For me it gave me the opportunities that I know my state educated peers did not have, as I was boarding I was that bit more independent, so found it easier to leave home and set up on my own.

Bogey you should accept that others have a relationship with your dc apart from you.

I do, I wouldnt have it any other way.

And I ask again, what has this got to do with the OP's issue?

I think that you are asking the wrong question btw because the GP have offered the money for education.
Start from scratch: if you won half a million on the lottery tonight, what would you spend it on, what would be your priority - education for the DC, new house, business start-up or something else?
Then have the conversation with the GP.

"What I meant is there are a lot of privately educated kids who find it really tough because the range of people there is incredibly narrow and it is very academic focused. At a state, you will find some sort of group to fit in and I do feel there is better treatment for SEN at state schools."

See what you mean, and yes I agree with that.

I think for most children an excellent state school is the best option, and I think people who assume private must be better just because you pay for it couldn't be more wrong.

My two go to an excellent state primary which I'm very happy with, however secondary provision locally isn't nearly as good, and for DS1 in particular, I'm not convinced the default local behemoth secondary school would be best for him at all.

Fortunately we have the option of private school so we are looking at those locally, but I certainly won't be swayed by posh facilities etc. Teachers are the single most important factor in a child's education- everything else is peripheral- so we will base our decision primarily on our views on teaching and what we can find out about it both 'officially' and through local parents with children at the schools we are looking at.

That's the only way to make the best decision, and looking at the schools in question before deciding whether to accept the offer is the only way to go imo.

"Birthright?"

As parents you both have a responsibility to ensure that your children receive a suitable education.

Whether that is private or state or home ed or boarding or whatever is open to debate.

Aeroflotgirl

But why is it an excellent opportunity? Nobody knows how the child will handle it and it's not a one size fits all approach.

As for the "independent" thing. Well good for you. My mum's dad died when she was 7 and she helped raise her siblings who were younger than her. I think she's fairly independent and she left school at 15...

The only advantages private education gives you is nepotism. You will get interviews for jobs purely because they saw the name of the school on your CV. That is not a good thing.