To not want my PIL to pay for my DC private school fees?

[swimmerforlife]

For context, I get along with DH's parents perfectly well, they are absolutely loaded though and DH (along with his siblings) were privately educated from reception onwards. I grew up on the breadline and was state educated for all my schooling.

It was always the plan for our dc to be state educated as we couldn't afford private fees, however the subject of schools came up in conversation over the weekend and PIL offered to pay for both DS1 and DS2 fees if we decided to go private (DS1 will be 4 early next year).

DH now desperately wants DS1 to be privately educated and is willing to accept PIL offer as he thrived in private school, whilst I am not totally against private schooling, I feel my DSs will learn and be educated just as well at state. After all I am University educated...

Also, I don't want to feel I / DH or the DSs 'owe' PIL anything because the paid for our DSs private education, I really don't want to have that hanging over our heads for the next 20+ years.

Besides, DH had no qualms with our DCs being state educated before PILs offer. Now DH has gone and changed his mind after everything was practically agreed.

AIBU?

merry that's pretty cynical.

Lots of GPs help with school fees, house deposits, child care etc. Out of little more than love.

Senua
Yes, I agree.
Two of my sons are adults and the idea that, if they approached me about school fees for a child one day, I would want to use that as an oppertunity to get involved in music lessons or angsting about whether the child goes to uni or what job they get is hilarious to me.
That's stuff was enough of a nightmare with my own chikdren - why would I want to go through that crap again.

If they do ever ask I'm going to def have the chat
They might not do music - don't give a shit
They might become a surfer - don't give a shit
They want to drop out of their a levels - please stop talking.

It seems like you don't have a very positive opinion of, or trust in, your PIL if you think they'll have a hold over you for 20+ years because of funding their DGCs education.

Hopefully you'll have a good answer to your DCs if ever they find out they could have been privately educated but you turned down their DGPs kind offer, against the wishes of their DF.

at 'will they want to see school reports'

I would feel uncomfortable accepting because the stability of your DCs education would be dependent on finances you have no control over. Also, what happens if you have another DC?
But you are doing absolutely the right thing looking into both options.

Also for these GOs it's not a huge deal.

The investment returns on 2mil would adequately pay school fees for one child without anyone lifting a finger.

YABU. I was state educated but break my back to ensure I have savings enough so future kids won't have to be. I've seen how well connected and confident kids emerge from private school- it really is another world.

pag .

Grandma do you want to attend parents evening?

Or no, love, I'll be in St Lucia that week.

my PIL will expect our DSs to go University etc and I don't want my DSs to feel like they have to attend University. And they won't feel like that, if you pick a great, supportive school. It's about choice. They will be able to CHOOSE between an Oxbridge place and a software startup in China - that they are starting with three other girls from their class because their private school has such an incredible IT department, teaching the latest coding languages, offers advanced Mandarin, and they did an exchange in Shanghai in year 11*. :P

Choice.

It could also be that when you visit the schools, you will realise that the privates are all weird as hell in your area, and the state school is absolutely rocking out. So you may then choose the state school, rather than having that choice made for you passively by your financial circumstances.

There's a brilliant state school in our area that I would absolutely choose to send the children to, but we're out of catchment, and the fees for private are cheaper than moving to that catchment.

*Mumsnet-required disclaimer: all state schools also have great IT, Mandarin and exchanges

" at 'will they want to see school reports'"

My IL's would have wanted to if they were paying school fees.

They thought that they should when they weren't!

Yep

Senua, I totally agree with your statement about the baby boomer bathers on MN, they love any old excuse to have a pop

I just think what an amazing opportunity, and yes I would be eternally indebted to someone who would do that for my DC, especially blood relatives like GPs. Equally I recognise you do have to have a strong relationship with the benefactor but it sounds like the OP is on good - but not great terms - with her's.

YANBU

I am getting the same pressure and DD is only 2.

I like to point out that out of all of their offspring and partners I am the most qualified. And the only one state educated.

For me state school is more preferable as we live in a very affluent area and its the extras that come with it. The holidays, the cars the ponies that we wont be able to afford. We have several highly rated state primaries and two extremely good state secondaries very near. Fortunately DH is on board as he was horrendously bullied at school. and he was the only one sent to boarding school which he hated.

You do know, don't you OP, that you are coming across as a bit of a comedy from the sixties. "I went down the pits at 14 and it never did me any harm."

Never try to base education on how schools were when you were a youngster. Things always move on. I went private-ish (direct grant) but DC went to State, but that was when Tony education, education, education Blair was throwing money around. If I was doing it again in a few years time I might make a different decision.

How about a third way. Accept a long-term loan from the GP and buy your way into a naice catchment.

Baby boomer "bashers" that should say

Grandparents funding private education is really common, and it sounds like they will barely miss the money if they are as wealthy as you think.

I wouldn't see it as you taking that level of money from them, when it isn't saving you anything and is directly for the DC.

If you had moral objections to private education that's one thing, but you say you don't. If you have genuine reason to believe they would hold it over you/interfere, then I would agree with you. But only you know whether they are like that.

For me it would be the fact that it is a 20 year commitment from them that they could withdraw at any time and I wouldnt want to risk that.

What about suggesting a compromise that they create trusts for each of the children that can be used to cover their school fees? That way if you decide to go private at any point then the money is there in the bank, but if not then they have a nest egg to either help them through uni or to start adult life with?

It would be worry of the financial assistance being withdrawn that would make it a No for me.

I agree with your concerns however I would take my in laws up on this if I was in your shoes, however how about a compromise? Say no for now but accept it for private secondary education?

Also, a trust can avoid certain taxes on death so its an astute financial move on their part if they had always planned to leave something to their GC.

I barely managed to read my own children's school reports.
Im not reading any I don't have to sign off.

Yes. Of course there will be people out there who would want some control and that's a really good reason to say no. No question.

But assuming that every grandparent would be like that is pretty depressing. It's also wrong.

getahaircutcarl, and some people are controlling. Financial obligation does set up a dynamic that many people would wish to avoid and school fees are a major long term commitment - it's not like paying for a new coat or even a school trip. You can't just duck out of it if relationships become strained.

That doesn't mean that there aren't other families where this wouldn't be a problem.

LOL at 'grandma do you want to attend parent's evening' I hadn't even considered reports etc, it just such a minefield. Exactly, where do you draw the line?

And whilst we're not planning to have another child, never say never (or contraception failure!)

MIL is not controlling, but I will feel a lot of pressure on our DC to do well academically if they put in a 20 year commitment. That brings us to about 2036 I am just struggling to deal with that... I have no idea how she will react if DS1 does become a professional surfer in 15 years down the line.

I am absolutely not ruling out private secondary schooling, for me state primary education is very important. At least then we will have a fair idea on our DSs personalities and where they are headed in life (creative, academic, sporty etc).

Why is it 20 years?

I'm in exactly this situation my PIL pay for both my DD's school fees. You have to do what you think is best for your kids - but things to note.

The quality of teaching in private school is no better than at a state school. What you get is smaller classes and generally (but not always) significantly better behaviour.

What you do get it access to a greater range of experiences and resouces that make learning more interesting and accessible - as well as freedom from pointless testing like SATs.

What you also get is access to opporunities for your kids that they won't come close to at a state school. If your kid wants to be a laywer - well - Tarquin's Daddy is a High Court Judge. Perfect work experience. You get the idea......