To not want my PIL to pay for my DC private school fees?

[swimmerforlife]

For context, I get along with DH's parents perfectly well, they are absolutely loaded though and DH (along with his siblings) were privately educated from reception onwards. I grew up on the breadline and was state educated for all my schooling.

It was always the plan for our dc to be state educated as we couldn't afford private fees, however the subject of schools came up in conversation over the weekend and PIL offered to pay for both DS1 and DS2 fees if we decided to go private (DS1 will be 4 early next year).

DH now desperately wants DS1 to be privately educated and is willing to accept PIL offer as he thrived in private school, whilst I am not totally against private schooling, I feel my DSs will learn and be educated just as well at state. After all I am University educated...

Also, I don't want to feel I / DH or the DSs 'owe' PIL anything because the paid for our DSs private education, I really don't want to have that hanging over our heads for the next 20+ years.

Besides, DH had no qualms with our DCs being state educated before PILs offer. Now DH has gone and changed his mind after everything was practically agreed.

AIBU?

Your pil might feel they can be involved with every single education decision from 4 till 18 because they are paying could you and Dh cope with that ? Imagine when option time 9choosing subjects or a trip you might not be able to afford it or music lessons uniforms. I couldnt be doing with that I would say thanks but no thanks

I think it depends a great deal upon your PIL and your relationship with them.

There are a huge number of assumptions being made which may be true but may be bollocks.

The PIL may absoloutely be able to guarantee the fees for the duration of the child's schooling. You can pay fees in advance, you can ring fence money - I could do it theoretically. If I promised to pay my grand child's education there hell would freeze over before I renegaded on that. The money to cover fees could be put in a trust for example.

Equally if my grandchild wanted to be a surfer I wouldn't give a shit. I'm hoping my daughter follows her desire to be a swimmer or actress.

Private schools can be shit. Do the PIL care where the child is educated or did they just offer to provide options? I've had to move a child out of a school which was fine for most but where my child was really,nreally unhappy. Sometimes options are fucking brilliant.

It may be that the PIL are interfering and would use this as a control thing but is that a fair assumption?

I'd want a lot of info and an open conversation about the small detail before I either considered or rejected it. But assuming the PIL are controlling and unreliable is a bit of an assumption imho.

What I didn't say in my pp is that I would hate to be beholden to anyone and for that reason wouldn't want to accept. My ILs and parents couldn't afford it anyway but I know if they could I would then feel like we owed them more of our time or more influence in our lives than we feel comfortable with.

I truly don't want to turn this into a Private school V State school debate. I have nothing against Private Schools, I really want to give state schools a chance before turning to Private and ending up resentment / emotional blackmail from PIL...

Gilly thats what I want to suggest and hope DH sees what state schools offer, I really want to avoid PILs paying at all possible, because I just don't feel at all happy at accepting all that money, no matter how rich PIL are.

And like others say, there is all that extra stuff that comes with private schools (expensive exchanges, uniform, foreign holidays etc) whilst we are comfortable we don't jet off to St Lucia at half term.

YABU. My parents help with private school fees and I am incredibly grateful, however there is no "debt of obligation" involved, nor is there any controlling behaviour or anything behind it other than love.

It is happening because both my parents were pretty much ditched by their respective families with no support, and it was hard getting set up in life, and even then there was still carping and sniping "tis far from X you were reared..." going on. I am an only child, and it gives my father a lot of pleasure to be able to contribute to his grandchildren's education, and while the state schools around here are fine, the private schools are outstanding and our children are having a great time. Going from (the lovely, but overcrowded) state to private has been very positive for us.

Do some homework before you accept though, because as said upthread, the extras can add up, and secondary school costs more than primary, so £20k - £30k a year for 2 kids in primary can easily become £30k - £38k or even £40k a year and that's a BIG hike + school trips, 85 different sports kits etc. (We're in the SE - I know there are cheaper schools in other parts of the country - I'm just citing the worst case scenario for fees).

Also, I assume the grandparents have thought this through, but if they drop dead when your oldest is in year 9, will there be provision? Do they understand the increased cost of secondary school fees? "Oh yes, we'll pay for private..." could turn into "OMG - that's insane. So you will have to pay half." and then it all gets weird and disagreeable.

Of the private schools around here, some are v wealthy & showy, others are far leaner with parents who are making huge sacrifices to send their children, and it's worth finding out which mindset suits your family better.

YABVVVVVU to refuse such a generous gift out of hand because it is grossly unfair to deny your children such a potentially fantastic opportunity that may well impact them positively for their whole lives, just because your family was poor when you were small, but you YWNBU to pin down exactly what this means, the escalation of fees, who pays for extras.

As for being in hock, you're not buying a tv from the local moneylender, it's a very generous gift from a loving grandparent. Don't let people on this thread make it seem tawdry or controlling.

I'd say, look into it all a bit more before deciding.

Say to the inlaws that you really appreciate their offer and are going to do some research and will get back to them.

Look at the local state and independent schools to see what each has to offer. Remember that Private in itself isn't necessarily good or better. There are great schools in both sectors.....you need to know what is available to YOU in both sectors. Make sure your DH understands this and isn't carried away with a fantasy.

Also, do look into the price increases and don't be fooled by the starting low prices in Reception. Prices rise on average 5% and there are big jumps at Yr3 and Yr7 which you must factor in, as must the inlaws, as it is a HUGE commitment and you don't want to start and have to pull them out.

After all of that is answered, there is the issue of whether you can cope with them paying.....feeling beholden, feeling in control etc etc.....only you can know that based on your relationship with them.

There are a lot of questions to answer before you should decide and you all need to realise the complexity of the issue. Stay calm, don't say anything rash or definite in either direction and get researching with your husband and making sure you two are moving in the same direction.

Yanbu at all. I went to a good public school, and would not ever accept this level on input.

Why don't you send the DC to state schools for primary and ask the PILs to put the money aside, as a PP suggested, for a private education from age 11.
That way you will have a better idea what your DC need and are capable of etc.
I wouldn't say no outright.

I agree you need to look into it more, and talk with your PILs more. Why do they want to do this? For many people it is a mean of passing on money to later generations in a way that will benefit them. What level of input would they want to have in the choices you make about education? Would they want a say over the school? Boarding vs day? If they are just setting up a trust for the education and you and your DH have free rein then that is one thing. If they are micormanaging that is another. Can you hold off the decision until your DCs are through their primary years at least?

In other words- are there any strings.

My DS is thriving in a private school and I am thrilled to bits with how he is going. If my parents wanted to pay?... Um.... I would feel beholden and a bit resentful. So it 100% depends on their motivations and how you feel about that I think.

Thats my thoughts exactly rhonda, I mean say, DS1 wanted to become a professional surfer (or whatever), there could be a lot of resentment from PIL after paying £££ on private school fees.

you mention in your first post that you get on with them well - I would sit down with them and have a chat - try and split the various emotional / non-emotional stuff...

• appreciate how kind an offer it is
• not 100% sure my feelings on state v. private
• key aim is to match school and child as well as we can - regardless of school type
• how would you feel if your grandson after that opportunity decided to become a professional surfer - would you still be proud of him or would you feel that he had wasted his time

this kind of discussion will help you get a feel for why they are offering / how genuine it is / how they might react - it will give you a better understanding of any strings that might or might not come with it...

as a society we are so used to buying things for cash that there is an expectation that paying money brings rights / privileges, so equally there is always a worry that accepting money brings expectations and responsibilities etc... and to a certain extent you can never remove any of that - but money given in love can be a genuine gift...

there is someone locally here who pays fees for grandchildren (all of them!) but there is no agenda other than his having three daughters who twist him around their little fingers (in a nice way!) and just loving them and their sproglets - he loves being involved in their lives and regularly goes to school to see them in sport / concerts / plays / etc.

it is the increasing norm for grandparents to be involved in paying private education fees for lots of obvious reasons...

have a chat with them - if nothing else it will help you understand the offer more... and don't be put off by some of the 'chip-on-the-shoulder' comments above - private education now is a vast world away from building privileged entitled snobs - it is very focused on understanding how privileged they are, and how that fits into society and how they can transform society to make it more equal etc. etc. - you can't deny that society is not equal, and there are those with money and privilege, so it is good to have a system that opens their eyes and educates them to a bit of reality...

YANBU. Whilst I think you should explore ALL the school options and discuss the "terms of the deal" with the PIL, for me there would have to be a huge reason to be able to accept this level of financial input from someone else. I've talked about this with my parents who have always been incredibly generous to me, and whilst I know that they would always be there for me financially if I needed it, even for school fees if we wanted it, my mum has said she would never make this offer because it's none of their business and it would be a level of pressure and involvement in our family lives that would be too much.

Also agree with PPs - FEE PAYING SCHOOLS ARE NOT NECESSARILY BETTER THAN STATE SCHOOLS! Sorry to shout!

YABU to dismiss it and to worry it will mean your DCs don't appreciate they have to make their own way in the world. Your PILs are wealthy. You can't stick your head in the sand and pretend that has no impact on the opportunities that are now open to your family.
They could easily establish a trust that meant the fees were secure regardless of what happened in the future.
You need to talk to your DH with an open mind. Your values are tied up with your perception of yourself as someone who went to a state school and then on to university. That's not who your DH is. Your family (you;DH;DCs) values have to be true to both of you.

dude that is very true.

For a certain type of family it is perfectly common to pay for the grandchildren's education. They certainly do not expect or want a controlling vote in the proceedings; they tend to turn up on founders day saying everything is 'lovely'

Death, you raise good points which I am concerned about, DS2 has turned one so basically 20 years of financial reliance from my PIL which I would struggle with because I have always paid my own way. I would also feel guilty accepting that amount of money from PIL.

DH has two siblings, one has no dc and isn't in a long term relationship so I can't see kids on the horizon anytime soon and the other has a baby but lives abroad so currently.

I am not sure how rich PIL are, but I know they have at least £2million in the bank (probably more) and a range of assets (4 houses, fancy cars etc).

Yes, I have agreed to go round a local Private school and DH is going to come round a couple of state schools and if I see that they offer what could hugely benefit DS1 then I will consider.

Icanteven, I understand your points, it's great that your parent's have said no strings attached but I feel concerned that my PIL will expect our DSs to go University etc and I don't want my DSs to feel like they have to attend University.

whilst we are comfortable we don't jet off to St Lucia at half term.

Nor do everyone that is privately educated

how old are the gparents and would you be happy to continue paying out of inheritance/would they set up an educational trust? if they start at primary you are looking at 15 years of funds. if you do go ahead, try for a bursary on your own income first perhaps, at least at secondary. we said no, and I am thankful as my dad died three years later age 70, unexpectedly. it would have been hard to have to pull them out of school

I'd bite their hand off IF I thought my child would benefit from it.

I want to state schools and my children are at state schools. However DS1 is one year into secondary and HATES it. I so wish someone would make us an offer to pay! What I am saying is, even if you decide against it for the moment - don't burn your bridges!!

MN is a funny old place. There are a lot of posters who complain about the baby boomers with their big houses and six foreign holidays a year. And yet, when some wealthy GP make a generous offer, it suddenly turns into them 'trying to get control'.
You can't win.

I hope you and your DH are able to make the decision based on what's right for your DCs, free from interference from your PIL and the suggestion that you'd be foolish to turn down their offer because it has a high monetary value.

What your PILs are offering you is choice. Choice that most people will never have. Please don't underestimate the value of this. Go and look at all your options with an open mind.

I'd be really torn by an offer like this. I would hate this level of finiancual dependence on either my parents or PILs, but I live in an area with excellent state schools and I am confident that DDs will thrive in the state sector (as I did and so did my peers).

But when you think about it, it is slightly hypocritical in that I am sure I won't turn down any inheritance coming my way.

And yet, when some wealthy GP make a generous offer, it suddenly turns into them 'trying to get control'.

Because often large monetary gifts do come with obligations attached.

Piglet, that was tongue in cheek. I just mean we couldn't afford what a lot of privately educated children have access too (fancy holidays, flash cars etc) and I don't want my DSs to feel like an outcast.

akkakk, yes I need to have a long talk with PIL on if there are any strings attached, I have just remember something that DH mentioned years ago, he did say MIL was disappointed in BIL (DH brother's) decision not to go to University, this is my biggest concern / fear. I need to explain my feelings on why I want my children to attend state.

Secondary schools are a good point, I would consider private education for Secondary schools if the offer was still there, I just think until we see how they go in state so that there is no need to fork out £££ in expensive fees. I think state Primary offers a lot of that private primary does not, because I fear Private state focuses too much on the academic side and I want my children to have a mixture of both learning and fun / social side of school. If thats not true on Private, feel free to correct me.

What happens if ye have even minor disagreement with them? Will you always be tip toeing around them?What happens ifyour dc don't achieve well especially at secondary? Will they want to see school reports? Will ye as a family be able to keep with school trips parties etc or will you always be under pressure? Is there other siblings who will expect the same for their dc? I wouldn't do this for Primary. I would seriously think about it for Secondary.