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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my PIL to pay for my DC private school fees?

515 replies

swimmerforlife · 04/10/2016 07:50

For context, I get along with DH's parents perfectly well, they are absolutely loaded though and DH (along with his siblings) were privately educated from reception onwards. I grew up on the breadline and was state educated for all my schooling.

It was always the plan for our dc to be state educated as we couldn't afford private fees, however the subject of schools came up in conversation over the weekend and PIL offered to pay for both DS1 and DS2 fees if we decided to go private (DS1 will be 4 early next year).

DH now desperately wants DS1 to be privately educated and is willing to accept PIL offer as he thrived in private school, whilst I am not totally against private schooling, I feel my DSs will learn and be educated just as well at state. After all I am University educated...

Also, I don't want to feel I / DH or the DSs 'owe' PIL anything because the paid for our DSs private education, I really don't want to have that hanging over our heads for the next 20+ years.

Besides, DH had no qualms with our DCs being state educated before PILs offer. Now DH has gone and changed his mind after everything was practically agreed.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Sara107 · 05/10/2016 20:36

Haven't read full thread, but agree with OP, I also would hate to be beholden to PIL in this way. And it is a long term commitment - 14 years or more. If their circumstances changed or you fell out with them and they stopped paying you would be stuck.Also, it gives them a lot of influence over the school choice which personally I wouldn't be happy with. If you have reasonable local schools why not stick with that, and maybe the PIL could pay into a university fund for the kids instead.

MsJudgemental · 05/10/2016 20:45

Babybythesea- what you said. DH is a University senior lecturer at a Russell Group university and state school students manage far better- better study skills, fewer mental health issues and less substance abuse. Private school students expect spoon-feeding and hand-holding and have an overwhelming sense of entitlement which leads them to challenge tutors over poor marks.

Ds went to the local outstanding primary and secondary schools. We are lucky because of where we live, but friends still chose to spend 12-25k pa on various private schools which have resulted in no better / worse GCSE grades than his. He also knows how to mix with different types of people.

All that money could buy a lot of experiences, technology and extra tuition should they need it. Think carefully about what is right for you as a family.

Glitterbug76 · 05/10/2016 20:49

My freind whose got quite a bit of Money has bought her son a house with the money she said she would have paid for a private education she said he's more practical than academic any way !!! Our catholic high school has had better results than the local private school £3000 plus a term xx

Iggi999 · 05/10/2016 20:55

Good lord. My marriage is perfectly strong with just the odd date night, I don't think sending them away to board with that intention is at all normal.

Maireadplastic · 05/10/2016 21:03

If you don't agree with the private system, you don't want to fund it. Simple.

Daydream007 · 05/10/2016 21:07

YABU. They just want the best for their grandchildren and they can clearly afford it, so let them give them the best start in life.

Daydream007 · 05/10/2016 21:12

Fact. Privately educated children typically do better than state educated children. Think long and hard about denying them of this amazing opportunity.

newmumwithquestions · 05/10/2016 21:18

So haven't rtft but:
YANBU to feel the way you do. Totally understand not wanting to support the private school system / not being beholden to PILs.
YABU to dismiss your DHs view as it's also valid. It's possible that private school would give your children a better start in life, and it's fair enough that he changed his mind as something that he never thought was an option suddenly became one.

Why don't you go together to view local schools (both private and state) to try to agree.

PRMum2012 · 05/10/2016 21:47

Yes you are ... How about suggesting to your husband you state educate for primary... I would love to be in a position to afford private education for my kids from 11+ ... I think the secondary system in the uk is broken if I could afford to educate privately from 11+ I would ALWAYS do it ... I did both state and private throughout my life and the private was more caring, instilled more ambition/ independence and gave me huge confidence:... The state bit was all about being bullied and being average and being ignored but I am disabled so if your kids are able bodied perhaps they will be fine but I would grasp it with both hands from 11+ assuming it's what your kids want too.

Naicehamshop · 05/10/2016 21:52

state school students manage far better- better study skills, fewer mental health issues and less substance abuse. Private school students expect spoon-feeding and hand-holding and have an overwhelming sense of entitlement which leads them to challenge tutors over poor marks.
This was certainly my experience when I was at university, although things may have changed since then.

Also, be very careful with costs; a friend of mine was in a similar situation where her DPs paid about 75% of the fees for her DDs to attend a private school. Friend and her DH could just about manage the other 25%, but found after a while that the additional costs of trips, uniform, sports kits etc were so massive that they couldn't manage, and the DDs were taken out after a while and sent back to a state school. Gutting for them.

DontMindMe1 · 05/10/2016 21:54

maybe the PIL could pay into a university fund for the kids instead

that's a much better idea.

I know someone who spent two years at private school and then came to our state comp. It's one thing to afford the fees, another to afford the school trips, extra curricular activities and all other school related costs. Not easy for a teenager to fit in when their friends are living a much wealthier life - clothes,holidays, presents, activities etc. They say all that doesn't really matter but to children/teens it does.

Have gp's thought about paying for private tuition outside of school? Some of the kids at my school did and they got A* in their gcse's.

Having the best education money can buy doesn't automatically mean you are set for life. How you apply yourself to your education is more important.

As an aside, why do your pil and dh think that your upbringing is not 'good enough'? Your dh was perfectly fine with dc going to state school until pil waved money in his face.....doesn't say much for his integrity.

Asuitablemum · 05/10/2016 22:07

I think it's at least worth having a look at the private schools. It is very common for grandparents to pay school fees, many are not paid by the parents but by relatives or sometimes work. It's actually a very efficient way to give you the money that they would probably leave to your family eventually on their deaths but without the hefty tax bill. If they don't need the money I doubt it's a control thing, but obviously you know them better than me! Maybe you need a good open chat about it and your concerns. If you are not able to talk to them about money then it may make it a bit difficult but if you can then great.

Daddymcdadface · 05/10/2016 22:25

YANBU

Humidseptember · 05/10/2016 22:32

state school students manage far better- better study skills, fewer mental health issues and less substance abuse. Private school students expect spoon-feeding and hand-holding and have an overwhelming sense of entitlement which leads them to challenge tutors over poor marks.

^^ struggling to believe one word of that, How ridiculous. Thats your DH experience, but mine and many others peoples will blow that out the water!

Its almost worrying someone who is a teacher at a top uni has come out with it, if its true. Confused

cheval · 05/10/2016 22:33

I would prefer to be in the driving seat of my children's education, rather than being in the thrall of in-laws. But if your local schools are crap, then you may want to investigate the offer.

Humidseptember · 05/10/2016 22:35

Not easy for a teenager to fit in when their friends are living a much wealthier life - clothes,holidays, presents, activities etc. They say all that doesn't really matter but to children/teens it does

Hmm yes it might matter but to what degree?

"sorry best friend Jane whom I adore and chat to every single waking moment I have but I cant be friends with you anymore as your parents can afford to take to you Barbados for xmas, and mine can only afford a stay cation at blackpool" Sad friendship over Confused

Humidseptember · 05/10/2016 22:36

I would prefer to be in the driving seat of my children's education, rather than being in the thrall of in-laws

^^depends how they all get on and whether they are on the same page

kazlau · 05/10/2016 22:49

YABU. What an amazing opportunity for your children. Why would you feel that you would feel you owed your PIL if they make this offer? It's better than leaving vast sums of money on their will to your children that would attract inheritance tax. I was private educated for primary schooling then, due to a change in circumstances, state educated for secondary school. Both systems have their own merit but I definitely preferred my time at private school. Neither you or your DH have experience of both systems so I'd compare the available schools and be grateful for the fact you can opt for the best one. I'll put money on it being the private school that comes out tops in the league tables. It's a wonderful offer for your DC.

pollymere · 05/10/2016 22:51

My PIL paid my daughter's eleven plus tuition. I decided I didn't care. We used to turn down offers towards things but I made my DH understand it was on the basis that we could not be bought. Don't feel guilt just enjoy it. Whenever anyone asked me, I made it clear my in laws paid and not us.

ParadiseCity · 05/10/2016 22:58

YANBU. I wouldn't touch private school with a bargepole. I don't believe it is better in the slightest.

corythatwas · 05/10/2016 23:06

Hasn't there been some kind of study showing that if you compare university students with the same A-level grades, the state educated students tend to do better at university?

GetAHaircutCarl · 06/10/2016 06:35

No cory.

That study is often cited by those that wish to 'prove' that state education is preferable.

But actually the stats of that study have been shown to be incorrect. And even if they were correct, they didn't show what some people wanted them to; at least not on a deeper and nuanced reading.

The fact is that those in independent schools are over represented in the most competitive undergraduate courses at university ( it is even worse at post graduate level).

A poster ( titchy I think, apologies if this is incorrect) made a point about comparative success rates vis offers. And whilst this is true for some courses ( though there are exceptions) it does not answer the basic fact of over representation.

He question is not what happens to applicants with the same grade set. The more question is why do young people with the same ability levels not come to the table with the same grade set, or with different subject sets, or not come to the table at all.

The answer 'wealth and nepotism' is unhelpful here. There are some mote uncomfortable truths to swallow about the state system.

GetAHaircutCarl · 06/10/2016 06:37

The more important question.

MaryTheCanary · 06/10/2016 07:29

My advice?

Work out how much money they would be prepared to shell out each year for a private primary....

And then ask them if they would be prepared to use that money to a) cover the cost of some tutoring and educational enrichment stuff (maths, English, social sciences, summer holiday tutoring) over the primary school years while your kids attend a decent local state primary, and b) put the rest of the money away each year in a designated bank account.

...and then just see how it goes.

If you decide a few years in that the state primary is crap--well, you can just move your kids to the private one, and you will have a couple of years of fees already in the bank.

If you decide towards the end of state primary that you are not happy with the state secondary options...then discuss shifting to a private secondary. Again, you will have several years of fees already in the bank. Because your kids will have been tutored over the years, it should not be too hard to get them ready for any entrance exams they may have to face.

If you decide that state secondary is fine--send them there. The extra tutoring they have had over the years will give them a solida base and ensure that they are likely to do well at any decent school, state or private. The surplus money can go to university fees and there will be some left over for a house down payment, starting up a business or whatever.