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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my PIL to pay for my DC private school fees?

515 replies

swimmerforlife · 04/10/2016 07:50

For context, I get along with DH's parents perfectly well, they are absolutely loaded though and DH (along with his siblings) were privately educated from reception onwards. I grew up on the breadline and was state educated for all my schooling.

It was always the plan for our dc to be state educated as we couldn't afford private fees, however the subject of schools came up in conversation over the weekend and PIL offered to pay for both DS1 and DS2 fees if we decided to go private (DS1 will be 4 early next year).

DH now desperately wants DS1 to be privately educated and is willing to accept PIL offer as he thrived in private school, whilst I am not totally against private schooling, I feel my DSs will learn and be educated just as well at state. After all I am University educated...

Also, I don't want to feel I / DH or the DSs 'owe' PIL anything because the paid for our DSs private education, I really don't want to have that hanging over our heads for the next 20+ years.

Besides, DH had no qualms with our DCs being state educated before PILs offer. Now DH has gone and changed his mind after everything was practically agreed.

AIBU?

OP posts:

mycatwantstokillme1 · 05/10/2016 12:57

Saw this and thought of this thread

www.kentishtowner.co.uk/2016/10/03/watch-kentish-towns-pushy-parents-losing-plot-school-places/

GreekGod · 05/10/2016 17:31

YANBU. Similar situation with us. FIL insisted upon paying for art lessons for eldest one as he is desperate to make her an artist. Er no. One of the reasons I said no was that i also did not want to feel as though i owed them anything.

I think you also need to consider is what will happen if FIL suddenly stopped paying for private school education ? Would you then be able to afford it or would a poor 4 year old/5/6/7 year old be pulled out of a school because your FIL/benefactor stopped paying ?

Dorosomethingbeautiful · 05/10/2016 17:40

Most people who run private education down are those who can't afford it

millymaid · 05/10/2016 17:40

No YANBU I agree with you, while it's a kindly meant offer, it's too much. In your shoes I would say thanks, but no thanks. It's imposing a lifestyle and choice that you couldn't have otherwise. Taking that much money will change your relationship, that's just how people are. Also, you'll be in for more expenses than you would at a state school. It's not just the fees, uniforms cost twice as much, the kids go on more expensive trips, etc.

Shona52 · 05/10/2016 17:43

What is best for the children here? Personal I would set aside what I feel about the situation and look at it from what would be best for my children's future. I would say that giving them a private education would give them the best possible start in life.

EweAreHere · 05/10/2016 17:51

Your husband went to a private school, and presumably you quite like him.

I would take this opportunity in heartbeat for my children if I could. You have no idea how seriously public schools are struggling with funding and behaviour in so many areas...

riceuten · 05/10/2016 17:58

No, you are not being unreasonable - if you accept this offer, you will forever be beholden unto the PILs. And they will remind you of this, and threaten to withdraw it if things cut up rough.

And frankly, private schools are a complete waste of money, but that's for another thread. I loathe and detest idiots who seem to intimate that not sending your child to private school is tantamount to child abuse or neglect. Incidentally, I was privately educated, before you think I have a chip on my shoulder...

clippityclop · 05/10/2016 18:02

I would go for it, on the understanding that they know the modern day costs involved of such a long term comittment. To be brutal if they are 'loaded' and your dh would be due to inherit in due why not allow them to be generous now and have the pleasure of seeing their grandchildren benefit from their savings? If it's the feeling of being beholden to them that's bugging you the most, or that it may lead them to interfere in the future I would carefully do the research, tell them which school you want them to go to and then make sure the money is paid direct to you on a monthly basis rather than the school, and then try to forget about it. Get it straight who would cover extras like trips and uniform right from the start to avoid any awkwardness.

Goingtobeawesome · 05/10/2016 18:04

My children went to a state school and two private and are all at grammars now. However the education at the private schools was diabolical at times and the state was much better. We would never have chosen to go privately but had no choice due to needing to move from state and no other school near by.

YANBU at all but you should all have an honest chat about worries, expectations, rules.

Benedikte2 · 05/10/2016 18:06

I would ask PIL to set up an endowment fund for the DC's university or other tertiary education. They could also assist if the DC have any special needs or interests.. I agree with what theirs have said about the huge commitment it would be for private fees for 2 for all their schooling though if the PILs are mega millionaires I wouldn't worry. The chief advantage of private education as I see it is choice getting into your chosen school within a reasonable distance of home and having both Ds1 and Ds2 at same school!

roundaboutthetown · 05/10/2016 18:07

It is not necessarily the best start in life to have angry, jealous siblings in law thinking their parents are unfairly benefiting one child and his offspring and in doing this, making them feel less loved and considered. It isn't necessarily the best start in life to have stressed parents who can't afford holidays or extra curricular activities for their children, because they don't want the pil to feel they have just sat back and raked all the cash in without contributing to the cause. It's not necessarily the best start in life to have parents who feel inadequate because they rely on pil for huge handouts to enable them to live in the style to which they would like to be accustomed. It is not necessarily the best start in life for parents not to dare disagree with pil choice of acceptable schools - especially, e.g., following divorce.

There is a lot to consider before you decide to accept such a colossal cash and time commitment from anyone, especially when you are not the one in control of the money. It could one day be required for something else, or lost in a bad investment. You will have no control over that, because it is not your money.

tazo5153 · 05/10/2016 18:07

I think some people are being a bit mean. In my marriage we are the reverse. I was privately educated and my husband went through state schools. We have decided that unless our children really were falling behind their potential in state school we would not be sending them to private as we can't really afford it. However if his parents offered us the money to pay for it I still don't think I would want to accept it, even though I am for private schools in the right circumstances. I agree with you even though in my case the shoe would be on the other foot!

Sparklyglitter · 05/10/2016 18:08

I have attended both and sent to both. There are good and bad teachers and schools in both sectors. I agree it is worth looking at all of the options available but personally if the state is good enough I would go with that. However I would maybe say to in-laws that you want to try the local school but would they mind if you reconsidered at secondary level or if a special need arises?
However be careful a lot of private schools have entrance exams so you may need to keep an eye on your children's levels and maybe get them tutored - I don't mean hot housed here I mean a tutor to make sure they have captured everything in class! Good luck! X

roundaboutthetown · 05/10/2016 18:12

Pil could have their will redrafted to make sure it is clear the money spent on your children's education is to be taken off your share of any eventual inheritance, or if more than the eventual share of the other siblings, counts as a loan, to be repaid? It might not appeal quite so much then, though?...

user1474652148 · 05/10/2016 18:14

I would take a look at the private schools (perhaps on your own if you do not want to feel pressurised with dh) and visit your local state schools as well. As you have been state school educated you perhaps haven't seen the different options available to your dc privately, or may have formed opinions or stereotypes that are not completely correct.

I think we all want the best for our dc, if you have brilliant state schools available where you live may be they be better off going there, or maybe you have an amazing private school nearby that is now an option for you. Perhaps ask your PIL to contribute to university fees if they wish to help instead, if you are completely fixed on state schools and prefer that option.

Do your research, look at the results carefully, sports, class sizes, weigh up the options in a neutral way and make your own decision on this before talking to your dh in more detail, remember this is not really about you, this is your dc future, and whatever your personal preferences are, they need to be put to one side. I think it is a hugely generous offer either way, and they must love your dc very much to be making such a kind offer, you are actually very lucky to have them. They could have booked a penthouse suite on the cunard for a year and forgotten all about you!! :)

Craigie · 05/10/2016 18:15

YABU. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face. Accept their generous offer graciously.

BengalGal · 05/10/2016 18:17

Smaller classes, more activities, often better teachers, and subjects not always taught in state schools...I would take the offer in a heartbeat. Most private schools have bursaries and scholarships to make for a diverse student body, and I promise you won't be the only ones who have grandparents funding it. Feeling obliged is a small price to pay for a top notch education. And if your kids end up having special needs or talents they are more likely to be supported easily. Though your experience was positive state schools are a lot more crowded and not as well funded as they used to be. And you have many more choices of school if you go the private route. Don't pass up such a wonderful opportunity for them!!!

Manumission · 05/10/2016 18:18

Also, I don't want to feel I / DH or the DSs 'owe' PIL anything because the paid for our DSs private education, I really don't want to have that hanging over our heads for the next 20+ years.

Very wise.

Manumission · 05/10/2016 18:20

Also, I don't want to feel I / DH or the DSs 'owe' PIL anything because the paid for our DSs private education, I really don't want to have that hanging over our heads for the next 20+ years.

Very wise.

Cubtrouble · 05/10/2016 18:21

Erm, you are crazy to decline this very nice offer. Bite their hand off or alternatively give me their number. I would dearly love my children to go to private school- it's not about being posh etc it's about it being better.

Don't cut your nose off to spite your face.

mummyof3kids · 05/10/2016 18:29

I would not reject the offer outright. Look into what is available both state and public schools and what would best suit your children. I rejected an offer from my MIL to fund primary education for my 2 youngest for various reasons. I did however leave option open for secondary education open. It very much depends on school choices available at the time. My husband hated his school and wished he could have attended the state school. The state school was vey good and in very nice area, whereas his school ended up being shut down. Only you and your husband can decide what is right for your family.

3awesomestars · 05/10/2016 18:29

YANBU
I would hate that

LookingforMaryPoppins · 05/10/2016 18:32

Yes, YABU, what a fantastic opportunity for your children. You really can't deny them that.

I was state educated and did well too, it's a tough world out there though, undoubtedly your children will have a better chance with a good private education.

Wannabehermit · 05/10/2016 18:34

I think state schools are struggling a lot more these days. I work at a secondary school, and I'm a governor at the primary school that my two kids attend and which has many problems.

The new textbooks at the school where I work, are cast offs from the private school which decided to change exam boards. Just as well because we couldn't afford to buy any more this year...

If I had a relative offering to pay for private school I would consider it, there are many kids at private school who are kept grounded by their families.

We live in an unequal society, which isn't right but isn't going to change anytime soon.

PalaceResident · 05/10/2016 18:36

I wonder would your DC resent it if they found out you'd turned down this offer. Especially if any cousins availed of the opportunity....

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