To not want my PIL to pay for my DC private school fees?

[swimmerforlife]

For context, I get along with DH's parents perfectly well, they are absolutely loaded though and DH (along with his siblings) were privately educated from reception onwards. I grew up on the breadline and was state educated for all my schooling.

It was always the plan for our dc to be state educated as we couldn't afford private fees, however the subject of schools came up in conversation over the weekend and PIL offered to pay for both DS1 and DS2 fees if we decided to go private (DS1 will be 4 early next year).

DH now desperately wants DS1 to be privately educated and is willing to accept PIL offer as he thrived in private school, whilst I am not totally against private schooling, I feel my DSs will learn and be educated just as well at state. After all I am University educated...

Also, I don't want to feel I / DH or the DSs 'owe' PIL anything because the paid for our DSs private education, I really don't want to have that hanging over our heads for the next 20+ years.

Besides, DH had no qualms with our DCs being state educated before PILs offer. Now DH has gone and changed his mind after everything was practically agreed.

AIBU?

I didn't read all 16 pages, just the first and last.

You have two children now, what if you went on to have twins? Would the ILs pay for all four? I know a pair of lovely grandparents who made the same offer for their beloved grandchild but didn't have the resources to fund subsequent siblings. It was awkward.

Id they can afford to pay for future siblings and happy to sign a document saying they will pay regardless of your relationship with them and your husband, let's face it things change, I would grab it with both hands, I really wish I had an offer like this for my children, state schools can barely afford a glue stick these days, I would snatch the offer and run with it

Could be a total waste of money. Eldest was privately educated and has done no better than the state educated siblings.

You select which school suits your children. I was privately educated, my sister wasn't, my parents picked the schools which they thought we would do well in and they were right. It is a very generous offer and I would not decline it if it will benefit your children.

Yabu to not look into it.

We are in a similar situation except we can afford fees. fil set up an educational trust because he believes it's the most important thing you can do for a child (a good education -it doesn't have to be private). We have known the parameters for a long time. The priority of the trust is to help any grandchildren who need extra help. E.g. If one was disabled and needed a house buying that would take priority. Next is school fees. We know they'd rather stop at 2 per sibling but there are funds for emergency twins! They have stated they have no wish to be involved - purely that they want to provide opportunities.

We were dead against it for years as we wanted to prove we could do it ourselves. However, looking at the tax implications this is probably the best way to fund it.

I went to private school and loved it. I studied subjects that are not taught in our county, went to trips my state school friends didn't and just had a thoroughly fabulous time. I want my kids to have that.

YANBU but my DD started at a state school last year and all of my reservations about private education have gone. If my PIL (or frankly anyone 😄) offered to pay for her to go to a private school I would bite their hand off.

We live in a very naice middle class small town and the school gets amazing results but there are 30 in DD's class and it's just too many. Now that she is in Y1 and the expectations and workload have ramped up considerably I am really concerned about the staff/pupil ratio. It is no criticism at all of her teachers or school but 30 in a class does not allow for enough supervision or support.

I was state educated and made it to Cambridge by sheer determination and my DH was privately educated so we are in a similar position but if I knew what I know now I would have budgeted differently to pay for a private school. I am now actively considering private secondary education and that was in no way in my mind a year ago.

YANBU, as I said, but perhaps PIL gesture comes from the right place and they will not expect anything of your sons though I can understand why you are worrying about by that

In an ideal world;.

The state sector would be matching the private sector but when piggy's start to fly eh;?.

I have paid for my 3 DD's to go through private and well, its been a huge millstone the expense. I know a couple both professionals and they need their parents help with two DD's at secondary level and they have a few more years to go yet.

Unless absolutely loaded how do parents afford private unless they are helped out by PIL's and grandparents etc these days?.

I'm sorry I haven't read all the thread, but similar to some posters are suggesting I would suggest you visit both state and private options locally and consider what the next steps for private are. I visited four local state schools and six private (these were the private within 15 minutes drive) I found all schools very different, and would suggest that some private are very similar to good state, whereas done private are a significant step up and if you had the money would certainly be worth investing in.
I do take your point about being reliant on your pils, but I would feel it's too generous an offer to your children to dismiss it without researching it more?

Both state and private education can be beneficial for different pupils dependent on them.

Some private schools have very small class sizes and aren't great for those with special interests or who struggle socially as classmates are limited.
Not always great for pupils who are academically 'average'. Some private schools push hard academically and we worry about children in state feeling like failures - it can be more predominant in private. (Eg in class of 30 4/5 struggling children have allies whereas in private class of 10 they maybe alone in struggling)
Also social/economic status can have an affect. Near me is a private school that was always ordinary hard working families, a lot of 2 parent working families, normal houses and holidays etc. The past few years it's changed. There are SAHM with time, money and energy to devote to the school, social life seems to evolve around school and many families have left as the family friendly feel has changed.

I would thank PIL and say that you feel state edicts toon would be a good place to start as local schools are good. However you would like to keep their offer open in case it doesn't work out or when they hit secondary age it's the better option for your DC.

Also mention you don't plan for your DC to have a one size fits both education so will do what's best for each one individually.

I have taught in four private schools and three state schools. I have been a teacher for nearly twenty years. I would stick with state education. So much depends on the individual teacher's style and I would hate to feel indebted to anyone.

I would visit the local schools both state and independent with an open mind before making a final decision.

I have two DS's one went to state one private. Both had state primary education. They are now both adults and equally successful. DSL1 did not want to sit the state grammar exam ( we both regretted that one until he found his niche and I still believe I was wrong not to at least get him to sit the exam) The second was v bright and got into a highly selective fee paying school, as well as a "free" grammar. He chose the fee paying one. We dug deep to pay. It was totally worth it. He is a well rounded adult. So is DS1 but they are have very different personalities and I don't believe DS2 would be as he is had he gone to a similar school to DS1.
It's about the right school for the child.
My parents were not in a position to help throughout but have offered help at crucial times. There have been no strings. I love them for it. Both me and DP went to state grammars in the days when every one had an opportunity to sit the exam. Again it helped us to achieve things the children's GP could only dream of. Educational elitism is not Nivarna but nor is a race to the bottom.
Please OP do what is best for your DCs, whatever that is. Different people thrive in different circumstances.

I have two at state and two in private, for various reasons. If you choose a good private school the opportunities for learning - class sizes, resources, staff ratio and expectations are so very very much better in the private system. Having said that, our state schools locally are pretty poor so it's not that fair to compare. If your state schools are good just visit the schools pushing out of your mi d if they are private or not and choose the one you like best. If it's a state - go for it. If it's a private that is the best school and you still have reservations then it's not about the kids education it's about PIL having 'power' over you and you need to look at that. Maybe it's not about power - maybe they just live their grandkids?
I would say a big yes please but my MIL is an old witch so I'd never get the offer!

DH and I were both privately (boarding school) educated. However we couldn't afford it for our DCs, not a problem when we lived in place A near a lovely small primary school which DS1 went to until the end of yr 1 and we were very happy with. We then moved to place B in the summer, getting into a good school near where we lived would have been incredibly difficult as they were all full. P-i-L offered to pay private, we went around some schools chose one and now both DC go private, funded by the PiL.

You will not be the only people there that GPs help out with the fees (I also lump people with trust funds or inherited family money into this bracket, coz all that is is older dead relations money). There will be people there who do pay their own fees but because of that they don't go on expensive holidays, have new cars etc. There will be people who are beyond rich, some of them will be nice, some of them will be up their own arses and won't talk to you unless you also ski in XXXXX and sun in XXXX.

I don't feel obliged to my PiL, I am grateful but not "beholden", "in debt", "obliged" or "under their control". We invited them to sports days and grandparents days and assemblies whilst DS1 was at state school and we continue to do that now they are at private because they are nice people who like to see their grandchildren. We tell them about the childrens report cards, and their successes and their bad times because we know they rejoice and commiserate just as much as we do. We do the same to my non-paying parents for the same reasons...

I'm glad the P-i-L are getting to spend their money on something they want to spend it on rather than it coming to us in inheritance (post-tax anyway)

If the P-i-L lose all their money then we would just move the children to a state school, children move school all the time, the children would survive and then we would do everything we could to support our P-i-L because that's what our family does, it helps each other.

I think this thread says more about some people's relationship with their parents/P-i-L than it does about private schools vs state school.

However only you can tell what kind of relationship this will cause with your PiLs, and until you go and look around ALL schools in your area you will not be able to tell which will be best for YOUR child.

I would bite their hands off. It's a fantastic opportunity and you wouldn't owe them anything, it's their grandkids! My brothers went to private schools (and at the time our mother was a single parent and money was tight), they both got good jobs paid their mortgages off in 5 years and have great lives. There was no money to send my sisters and I (my mother remarried and more money into the household income meant no assistance with fees was possible), we're all doing fine, but I truly believe the girls (including me) would have done better , if we'd had the same opportunities as the boys! That said you'd obviously still have to choose the school they went to their finacial input shouldn't stop you choosing the school.

Get them to set up an educational trust to pay the fees out of. Will relieve any interference you may be worried about.

London's private schools can off the best education in the world! There are only a few state schools on par - don't deprive your children the opportunity!

i would not want to be 'indebted' to my pil for 20+ years.

It gives them a certain amount of control which i wouldn't feel comfortable with.
You know what will happen, any time you and dh row this will be hanging over your head.
Anytime you don't stay 'in your place' it will be brought up.
Any future dc would also need to be treated the same
If your relationship breaks down - how will this affect the 'arrangement'?

OP has already proved that state education does not prevent one from succeeding in life and being a person of value - their son chose her afterall.
OP does not need to 'bite' any hand that offers her a 'free lunch'...because in the real world there is no such thing.

OP, you are the parent. I'd be pretty pissed off that dh and pil thought that money can buy everything - even my children.

My cousin went private. Got much better A Level results than anyone predicted. Flunked out of uni after failing her first year. Because she was so used to hand holding that she had no concept of how to work independently. (It was a boarding school). She said she didn't need to go to lectures because no-one took a register, and because she wasn't expected to be in her room for two hours every evening completing her 'prep' she didn't bother. So amazing A Levels but a lack of ability to function outside that world. Five years later and another go (and well of parents to bankroll it) and she has a degree. It's not as good as mine (2:2 vs 2:1) and I was state educated. Where, as she told me, all the poor people send their kids.
(Chip on shoulder about her attitude to me because I went to state not private school - me??😀)
And as she has since revealed, she tried more drugs than I did because her friends had more money to buy them. So that's nice.

So, I would say that the assumption that private is always better is not true. Sometimes it is. You need to go and see. But just because you pay for it doesn't automatically make it better.

QUeenofBiscuits - great post!

Yes, clearly some people don't have the kind of relationship with their parents of inlaws that could cope with this - feeling beholden isn't good - but for many people, the acceptance of the generous offer wouldn't result in this and really would be no-strings attached.

We don't know the OPs relationship with the inlaws, nor how strong her feelings against private primary are, nor how strong her DH feels about private, nor whether the inlaws have fully considered the long term financial costs of this or other practical issues. The OP just needs to get looking into all these issues and maintain open and honest communication with DH especially and also with inlaws.

Just because some people on the thread couldn't conceive of doing this because of their relationship with their inlaws, or their attitudes towards independent education, doesn't mean the OP won't be able to. Every year parents receive generous offers like this from the grandparents. Sometimes they never come off, because the GP haven't considered the full costs,mor because the parents don't want to go private or don't want to accept the money or for whatever reason. But people seem to forget that lots of people do accept these generous offers and loads of kids in independent schools are fully or part funded by GP......and it often works really well for them. It's just knowing what the key things to look into, to consider and to communicate about which is key to reaching a decision.....but there isn't a one size fits all answer for everyone.

It all comes down to the quality of the education your DC will receive. If the private school would be a better fit for them then YABU and putting some perceived "indebtedness" before your DC's best interests.

YABU to not explore the schools themselves, state sand private, to choose the best school for your children. We did and actually found our local private schools to be totally lacking academically so that option was removed. If we were elsewhere it could have been different.

So once you've considered the schools, from that point onwards if you believed the private was a better option you could then address the family issues that may arise from your PILs contribution.

I do understand your reservations but I also think that it is a sincere and genuine offer which may be of huge benefit to your boys.

Accept this amazing offer.

I was lucky to be sent to Eton. It was an amazing experience, met some terrific friends, with many of whom I am still in touch.

An independent education focuses on the whole child, not just getting them through exams, plus if they board, it gives you space to be with your partner and strengthen your marriage.

Get it all in writing, however!

I have read several pages so apologies if this repeats another poster; I am a financial adviser and I specialise in investment and inheritance tax planning and have a "professional view" on this. I regularly advise clients to pay for schooling / nursery / activities / holidays etc for their children / grandchildren to a) reduce their Estate via lifetime gifting and b) gifting from income can be unlimited and therefore encouraged to prevent spare income building up c) some Trust Funds generate a fixed income for life that needs to spent.
I have never considered how my advice impacts the daughter / son-in-laws and feeling beholden. In fact as a parent I feel I am doing the children a favour! Dying with an Estate in excess of £650k (married couple rising to £1m by April 2020) means the rest is taxed at 40% so being able to gift/ spend in lifetime helps reduce the tax owed and ensures more of the inheritance is received by the family at a time when they "need" it. If your in-laws have £2m in the bank and a property they have a potentially huge IHT liability and someone like me has probably told them to up their spending now to help address the tax issue. I appreciate I am not addressing your concerns about being beholden however you could be inadvertently costing yourselves / your children hundreds of thousands in extra tax which ultimately reduces your / their inheritance...

I would investigate all local options, then if you think your dc would get the best education (think broad and deep, opportunity to take up anything of their interest and be encouraged with this) in the independent sector, consider the offer carefully.

My PIL help with school fees, about 1/3 cost. I feel fine about this - but we would be able to pay without, just coming from other areas. At our school, the extras are mainly uniform ( i have got all sports kit second hand ) and about one trip per term. Will go up for secondary though.

pil say they feel the contribution is a bit of my husband's inheritance early!