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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you what you think of age gap relationships.

260 replies

BingbastardBunny · 03/10/2016 12:56

I saw a thread on here about a mother asking if she should be worried about her child fancying an older actor.
I was just wondering is it a big worry if your child begins a relationship with someone significantly older or younger than themselves.

There is an age gap of 28 years between my husband and I and we are perfectly happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
BingbastardBunny · 06/10/2016 20:04

I'm sure there are lots of relationships that start with an initial spark of lust rather than love.

OP posts:
TheSconeOfStone · 06/10/2016 20:13

I am 42 and find the idea of sleeping with a man in his 60s distasteful to say the least. My DH is 3 years older than me. We met at uni but we have grown up together which has been great. Every age gap marriage I know of (always older man) features a power in-balance in favour of the man. Some of the wives can accept this, others are less happy about it.

Each to there own and all that but people will have their own opinions. I would never share mine in public. It's not me having to share a bed with a wrinkly old man.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 06/10/2016 20:23

I think we can only really speak from our own experience. I'm the child of a large age gap relationship and wouldn't wish that on anyone, to the extent I've only dated and eventually married someone my own age and we had children fairly young.

Losing my father when I was young has changed me for ever and not in a good way Sad Even worse was witnessing the deterioration in my parents' relationship as they aged and my mother lost love and patience with her much older spouse. It was a very unhappy situation that saw him incredibly unhappy and her mean and bitter. Possibly she was a mean and bitter woman anyway, but there was an awful lot to do with the age gap.

I also saw a DD with an older partner, to the extent that he had much more in common with us, her parents and she sometimes felt left out of common points of reference. We tried to seem ok with it, so as not to alienate her, although we weren't at all happy really and were so pleased it didn't last. A couple of years later and one of his DSs came on to her and that was weird all round.

clumsyduck · 06/10/2016 21:19

thescone but you will one day have to share your bed with a wrinkly old man / man in his 60s How will you being also wrinkly change how you feel about that ??

I can say without exception every older person I k ow on the subject of "feeling their age" says they don't feel any different to they did 30 years ago though they are pysically older mentally they don't feel it . also older people still find younger "classically attractive " people attractive , do you think 60 year olds suddenly think other 60 year olds are the hottest people on earth??? No . But love is more than just shagging isn't it

My dp isn't old by the way! Just that I wouldn't be adverse to an age gap .

motherinferior · 06/10/2016 21:26

Actually I don't want to have sex with a 25 year old. I really don't. And I do fancy a fair number of blokes my age, 53, which I certainly wouldn't have done at 25.

SarcasmMode · 06/10/2016 21:28

I have no problem obviously with other people having large age gaps in their relationships - it only matters to those in the relationship.

I'm married (DH is just 2.5 years older) but if I wasn't, I couldn't go older than 10 years my senior. If I had 28 years difference it would make my partner 54 - just a year younger than my Dad. Which wouldn't sit right with me. Whereas someone around my sisters age (9 years older) would be fine.

It's hypothetical though - I could've met someone 15 year older and we would just click and that's it. Nobody really knows until they find themselves in that position.

spankhurst · 06/10/2016 21:48

I think it's a bit rich that many posters have expressed horror at the thought of sex with 'wrinkly old men'. If you love someone it's about much more than firm flesh. Personally, I think if the younger partner is not terribly young (i.e. teens or early 20s) and both people are happy, go for it.

Original poster
BingbastardBunny · 06/10/2016 21:52

It's not because he is older I love him. I love him because of the person he is. I would love him of he was my age.
I am sure it would not work for everyone, but it does work for us. We don't notice the gap. It just feels normal.
Maybe I am bizarre, all I know is I am happy and loved. It may change in the future, it may not. I will take my chances.

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Terramirabilis · 06/10/2016 21:52

I don't have any moralizing stance on this but I do worry sometimes about a friend of mine who's married to someone significantly (decades) older than her. He has children older than her although not by much.

I do think about the fact that she'll likely be a very young widow and may end up as a carer or at least limited in travel etc by being married to an old man when she's only middle-aged. In her case my main concern is whether she's made provision for the fact that she will need somewhere to live after he goes, probably many years before her, and currently they live in a house solely owned by him which his children would presumably also want/expect to inherit. I just don't want her ending up shafted at 50 or so when it's too late to start in on a mortgage etc.

Alisvolatpropiis · 06/10/2016 21:54

My husband is 19 years older than me. The relationship hasn't worked, ultimately. Not because of his age, rather a variety of other issues. It is sad, as it always is when a relationship fails. But I didn't fall in love with him because of or despite his age, but because of who he was, when I met him. Also probably because of who I was when I met him.

clumsyduck · 06/10/2016 21:55

Your not bizarre Bing I think that's why Iv been so defensive despite not actually being in this situation that I find it baffling how people automatically assume people must be weird to love someone older or that they must automatically be a creep or have issues . Adults fancy other adults , shocker !!!!

bakedappleflavour · 06/10/2016 22:09

I don't find it bizarre.

I find it disconcerting.

It really isn't as simple as "you love who you love" now, is it.

Or you would say that about incest.

TwentyCups · 06/10/2016 22:11

Nearly every relationship I've had has had a substantial age gap.
My ex was nearly 16 years older than me, I was 18 when we got together, living at home with my mum. None of my friends found it odd, but all of his did.
I do feel I missed out a bit by being with him, but I doubt I would think that if he had been a good man in the end!! We all have regrets over failed relationships, and I had many friends stick with their teenage boyfriends throughout uni who also feel they had their time wasted.
My DP is older than me, but less than 6 years. I like that we have more in common and can socialise easier.
I don't judge those in age gap relationships, but am glad it wasn't something I had to consider with my DP, we feel very right together, and I'm sure age plays its part in that.

Original poster
BingbastardBunny · 06/10/2016 22:13

The general consensus that caring for a loved one is a negative burden is one I find difficult to understand.
I appreciate that statically the older partner is more likely to develop health issues, but it does not mean because they are older that they will need round the clock care, as some of you are implying.

OP posts:
MymbleClement · 06/10/2016 22:19

I think shared interests are more important. In my 20s I had really strong feelings for a man who was 30 years older than me. We had chemistry, a shared interest, and just 'got' each other. DH is a bit younger than me though not significantly. Equally I have work colleagues my age who seem like they are from another planet! It's never been a deciding factor.

Original poster
BingbastardBunny · 06/10/2016 22:21

No, you wouldn't say the same thing about incest because it is illegal...
And generally it is not between consenting adults.

OP posts:
Brokenbiscuit · 06/10/2016 22:29

See, I think I'd have found it hard to understand in my 20s how caring for a loved one could be such a burden, despite having helped my mum care for my grandfather through cancer.

Now, in my 40s, I have seen my own parents ageing and I am surrounded by friends who are experiencing the same thing, and I totally get why people find it so tough.

I think it's the psychological burden as much as anything. Maybe when we're younger and see grandparents needing care, it just seems like the natural order of things. However, watching your parents age makes you realise how very cruel life can be. Perhaps it just feels a bit too close to home. I can't imagine what it would be like going through it with a partner when you're only young yourself.

TheSconeOfStone · 06/10/2016 22:36

But my DH is growing older with me so I've got a few years to get used to it. Can't help the way I feel and I couldn't be attracted to someone of another generation In either direction.

clumsyduck · 06/10/2016 22:38

I get that but I don't see how it would be any easier just because your the Same age ? I'm not being argumentative I just genuinely don't understand ? It wasn't easy for my grandma when my grandad was ill and she was 2 years older and still ended up a widow living alone for 11 years until she died

clumsyduck · 06/10/2016 22:38

That's was to broken

ImogenTubbs · 06/10/2016 22:41

I don't think anything about them. I might have an opinion about a specific age gap in a specific relationship if I thought it was in some way exploitative, but generally? Nah.

SauvignonPlonker · 06/10/2016 22:46

I'm mid-40's & my dad is late 70's. He has dementia & my mum (7 years younger) is his carer. It is God-awful for her; her life is so limited, it is like having a slow, frail toddler. She can hardly leave the house & has sole domestic responsibility. It is very hard for her. Nothing to do with age difference though.

However, I can only imagine how hard it would be for me to care for someone who is in poor health & 25+ older years than me now, in my mid-40's, bringing up young DC, work to pay the bills & stay sane. I truly don't think I could do it.

That's why caring for someone much older when you are younger is a burden.

TheSconeOfStone · 06/10/2016 22:47

Well we'll have hopefully had decades together without illness and infirmity. Cultural references really important to us too. but as I said, each to their own.

Alisvolatpropiis · 06/10/2016 22:50

I think conflating incest and age gap relationships is beyond weird.

Alisvolatpropiis · 06/10/2016 22:53

If the rule of life plays fair, then yes the older partner will become infirm/die first.

I think it was Bill Roach (Ken from Coronation Street) whose wife was some 20+ years younger than him and pre-deceased him.

Life throws curve balls.