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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you what you think of age gap relationships.

260 replies

BingbastardBunny · 03/10/2016 12:56

I saw a thread on here about a mother asking if she should be worried about her child fancying an older actor.
I was just wondering is it a big worry if your child begins a relationship with someone significantly older or younger than themselves.

There is an age gap of 28 years between my husband and I and we are perfectly happy.

OP posts:
gincredible · 04/10/2016 21:10

My DH is 18 years older than me. We met when I was 21. Only my second serious relationship. Eleven years and two children later and we are extremely happy and I love him very much. We never notice the age difference and I can't imagine ever discounting someone as a potential partner purely on the grounds of their age.

Original poster
BingbastardBunny · 05/10/2016 14:41

I'm happy to see there are other like-minded individuals out there! I expected it to be mainly negative negative comments about how yucky it is.

OP posts:
MuseumOfCurry · 05/10/2016 14:45

Bluntly, I think you've got a shedload of issues to come with a 28 year gap and I also think eventually you will come to regret it.

Original poster
BingbastardBunny · 05/10/2016 14:51

Only time will tell, pp.

OP posts:
NobleKnickerNibbler · 05/10/2016 14:54

Plenty of people come to regret relationships with people who are the same age as them. Personally I'd rather 20 years of a great relationship than 40 years of a middling one.

TheVirginQueen · 05/10/2016 15:00

Id wonder if u had abandonmebt issues./ fears

MuseumOfCurry · 05/10/2016 15:08

Plenty of people come to regret relationships with people who are the same age as them. Personally I'd rather 20 years of a great relationship than 40 years of a middling one.

While this is true, couples entering into relationships with enormous generational mismatches don't have some special indicator that their relationship is particularly great. They've only added a layer of ultimately insurmountable complexity, and the marriage may turn out to be defective as well (as so many are).

I don't see a big upside.

Older men are very hot when you're an impressionable young lady. I know this from personal experience. Fast forward 25 years and they're elderly.

NobleKnickerNibbler · 05/10/2016 15:13

Well obviously I'm not saying age gap relationships have a special indicator that their relationships are particularly great. I'm saying if the person who really blows your socks off is older than you well then why write them off in order to wait (perhaps in vain) for someone of a similar age who has less socks blowing appeal.

A 25 year age gap would be too much for me but that doesn't mean I can't see it working for someone else.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/10/2016 15:18

Oh crickey MyWineTime that would mean in 2 years I could be with an 82 year old - hell no way! My dad won't even be that old then.
That sum makes sense when younger but not older.
Yeuk!

Realhousewivesofshit · 05/10/2016 15:22

Runs in our family. Grin

Ds 26 dil 36 and blissfully happy.

My sil 60 her dh 83

Other dil 54 her dh 70

All blissfully happy for years.

Don't judge

Heathen4Hire · 05/10/2016 15:25

My brother's partner is 11 years older. They have been together for 15years, have two great kids, been through all sorts, and seem very happy.

JeanGenie23 · 05/10/2016 15:26

I think don't judge is exactly right.
If it's not for you fine, but happiness comes in all forms.
I'm older than DP although not by much but when we first started seeing each other, we got comments like toy boy and cougar Hmm they were just in jest but nonetheless people shouldn't really comment. 10yrs, a child and mortgage later, we are as happy as can be.

ifyoulikepinacolada · 05/10/2016 15:28

I like to think that nobody can really gauge the 'success' of a relationship from the outside anyway and so long as both parties are happy it's not my place to pass comment.

If my hypothetical child did start a relationship with somebody a generation up or down from them I hope that so long as neither party was being manipulated or coerced in any way that would remain my stance.

If my hypothetical DC was so adamant that there were no issues in the relationship they started a thread about it on a popular forum, seemingly to prove that all was hunky dory... I'd be worried.

bert3400 · 05/10/2016 16:48

Me & hubby have been together 18 years He's 11 years younger than me . I think having children has been very important to us as a couple . I look younger than 48 and he looks about 40!

MiddleAgeMiddleEngland · 05/10/2016 17:32

I've seen plenty of bad marriages with partners of a similar age. That of my best friend lasted 6 months and five of those were abusive. Another friend was almost exactly the same age as his DW, but she unfortunately died very young.

My own marriage has a sizeable gap. We have always been aware of that, obviously. We are aware of what the future might bring, and have planned emotionally and financially for that. We are well into our third decade of happy marriage, which is better than a lot of people seem to have.

Nobody has ever commented at all as far as I remember.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 06/10/2016 09:27

I think the best thing is to come back in 20 years and tell us how wonderful its going then - you'll be my age - 45 and he'll be 73 (eek).

It's 19 years later in our case and we're happier now than we've ever been so it can work. Maybe I'll end up as his carer, maybe he'll end up as mine but I'll take the chance.

Original poster
BingbastardBunny · 06/10/2016 11:47

ifyoulikepinacolada
I didn't start the thread to prove anything. My life would have to be pretty miserable if I had to seek affirmation from random people on the internet.
I started the thread because I was genuinely interested in what people thought.

OP posts:
Agerbilatemycardigan · 06/10/2016 12:13

I think it totally depends on each individual couple - we're all different.

However, the line has to be drawn somewhere.

My ex BiL always gave me the creeps and I tried to avoid him whenever possible. When he was 30 he took a girl home and introduced her to his family. She looked quite young, we thought maybe 17-18. Turns out she was 15. I was bloody horrified. She was a lovely girl, very quiet and shy, and nobody would think that she was mature for her age.

Anyway, they got married and had a couple of children before she divorced him due to his controlling behaviour.

He's now in his 50s and still looking for much younger women Confused

bumblefeline · 06/10/2016 12:22

I was 18 when I met DH he was 28. I have always preferred older men.

16 years on we are still happy together.

Carlamomof3 · 06/10/2016 13:13

Well I'm 41 and my boyfriend is now 21, the same age as my oldest son. Neither of us were looking for an age gap relationship but we started out as friends and it turned into love. I'm not sure it will last forever but it's been a wonderful relationship so far and we are truly happy together. We do get some nasty comments from others but all that matters is that we are happy together. And all 3 of my kids are supportive which helps. It's not for everyone but it can work!

SlottedSpoon · 06/10/2016 13:36

I am struggling to imagine (as the mother of a 21 year old) how on earth a woman of your age becomes 'friends' with a man of his age. I have met many many young guys though my own kids and I can quite honestly say that as lovely as many of them have been I have absolutely nothing in common with them and no desire to get to know them better as friends, or to hang out with them. They are my kids' peers and friends, not mine. I'll be honest with you Carla there is something about your situation that seems a bit grubby and attention seeking to me. I am truly amazed that your 21 year old son is ok with it.

SlottedSpoon · 06/10/2016 13:43

I think that unless the youngest partner is still under 18 then gaps of up to 10 years are neither here nor there really. It's a gap of much, much more than that when one partner is still very young that makes me uncomfortable. I can't help but wonder about what kind of person the older partner must have to be to want to pursue that, and what kind of issues the younger partner might have to think that it's sexy to be with someone the same age as your parents.

TheCraicDealer · 06/10/2016 13:46

Another one that agrees with Pagwatch. If a friend aged 35 starting seeing someone 25+ years older then I'd think she was old enough and had seen enough to know what she was entering into. If it was someone aged 19 or 20, I wouldn't be so sure. There are a lot of people (and I'm not saying this about anyone on this thread's partner) who purposefully chose younger partners because they're more biddable, easier to manipulate, or simply because they're the only ones naive enough to put up with their shit. My own uncle for one. Ended up with a girl twenty years younger than him, had a child, then she saw the light and realised he was a waster and left him. Those are the ones you'd worry about.

Alisvolatpropiis · 06/10/2016 13:47

I'd imagine that the younger person doesn't view their older partner as being an awful lot like their parents, generally speaking. Though of course there will be the few who do and that is why it appeals.

motherinferior · 06/10/2016 14:00

I've been thinking about one other thing: I don't in fact think it's particularly 'mature' to want to settle down and stay in and have kids very early, or to be bored with blokes of your own age. Arguably the sensible thing to do in your 20s is to have an absolute whale of a time doing things which are utterly age-appropriate in that decade. Just a thought.

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