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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you what you think of age gap relationships.

260 replies

BingbastardBunny · 03/10/2016 12:56

I saw a thread on here about a mother asking if she should be worried about her child fancying an older actor.
I was just wondering is it a big worry if your child begins a relationship with someone significantly older or younger than themselves.

There is an age gap of 28 years between my husband and I and we are perfectly happy.

OP posts:
MitzyLeFrouf · 03/10/2016 13:39

All the age gap relationships I know are older woman + younger man. Three of my friends are married to younger men. A 14 year age gap for one couple and the other two have husbands who are approx. 8 years younger.

myownprivateidaho · 03/10/2016 13:40

Shitty if you like, but you cannot apply the terms of discrimination to anyone's choice of who they are willing to form an intimate relationship with. It's not racist only to want to have a partner of your own race or religion; or homophobic only to want to do so with someone "straight" and of the opposite gender. You just cannot apply any duty not to discriminate into this field. Just as you can make a will leaving more - or everything - to the child who has entered into a traditional marriage with someone of the same race and religion and less - or nothing - to the one who has not.

There obviously isn't a duty to have a relationship with anyone. But that doesn't mean that not wanting a relationship with a woman your own age isn't sexist. Or that not wanting a relationship with a person of a different race isn't racist. It just means that you have the right to be sexist or racist. Sexism and racism aren't illegal - it's just acting on them in certain circumstances which is illegal, and who you go out with is obviously not one of those circumstances.

Pinkheart5915 · 03/10/2016 13:42

DH is 11 years older than me. When we met I was 18, he was 29. We have been together for years and are very happy.

I don't think 28 years is too large a gap OP if you are happy that really is all that matters. Sometimes you just connect with somebody regardless of age

SianiMoomin · 03/10/2016 13:42

My DH is 10 years older than me and it doesn't really register with us at all. We're extremely happy and been married for 10 years.

Like a pp, I wouldn't judge individual couples but more than 10-15 years just doesn't sit well with me. Live and let live, though.

My DH went out with a 16 year old when he was 32. It was very nearly a deal breaker for me because what grown man has anything in common with a schoolgirl? That to me is damn creepy. But 30 and 46, not so much. Guess it depends on the ages of the people involved.

clumsyduck · 03/10/2016 13:47

Have had a few age gap relationships not 28 years but still a decent gap 15+ mainly

As long as both partners are happy and equal I honestly don't see a problem at all. Love is not guaranteed even though some people seem to feel it is and that everyone will meet someone they love and settle down with them . Life isn't that straight forward and I think if two people love each other and want to together then not being together just because of an age gap is insane

However !!!
I think when the younger party is incredibly young it can be a bit odd say like a 17 year old with a 40 year old , In this case is be worried the 17 year old would try act more grown up and miss out on growing up having fun etc ( not quite as black and white as that but struggling to explain what I mean )

Also I think it can be wrong were a really older man specifically looks for a younger woman purely based on looks for example rather than just looking for a partner genrally and then finding it worked out with someone younger

user1471534185 · 03/10/2016 13:47

if you love that person and want to be with them it doesn't matter, my husband was 23 years older than me and I wouldn't have changed our life one bit.

MitzyLeFrouf · 03/10/2016 13:48

'Life isn't that straight forward and I think if two people love each other and want to together then not being together just because of an age gap is insane'

I agree.

number277 · 03/10/2016 13:49

There's 22 years between me and my oh. I'm 27 he's 49. It works for us!

MsRinky · 03/10/2016 13:53

In all honesty, once the age gap is generational, ie a gap big enough for them to be parent and child, then I do find it vaguely odd, and probably do assume that one or more likely both involved have Issues. Otherwise, I don't find a gap of up to about a decade strange, assuming both parties are out of their teens.

LeopardPrintFanny · 03/10/2016 13:55

I, personally, wouldn't date someone that much older or younger than me as I find it important to have a shared sense of history and culture with a partner. Perhaps that's because I'm a bit of a home-bird so I value things associated with home and most of my childhood memories are based at home.

I couldn't be in a relationship with some who didn't grow up at the same kind of time as me and so didn't have access to those same (similar) experiences.

I went out with someone who was 19 years older than me once. I remember one day talking with him and reminiscing about children's TV and he'd never heard of half of the stuff I was talking about. In another instance, I was talking about taking mobile phones into school but he'd been left school about 15 years before mobile phones came out. I just couldn't connect with him because of this lack of shared experience.

kirinm · 03/10/2016 13:55

My exH was 8 years older than me and we really felt it. We had very little in common, we were basically 2 generations apart - we didn't watch the same things or listen to the same music growing up. The age gap was obvious.

DP is 6.5 years younger than me but we have lots in common and don't seem so far apart in age.

HolyCrow · 03/10/2016 13:55

My DH is 22 years older than me and we have no issues at all. Our relationship is just as loving as any other and he is a fantastic father. Age is only a number, who really cares as long as you are happy with your life?

MitzyLeFrouf · 03/10/2016 13:56

My exH was 8 years older than me and we really felt it. We had very little in common, we were basically 2 generations apart

Because of 8 years??

Original poster
BingbastardBunny · 03/10/2016 13:56

I do get tired of the assumption I have 'daddy issues'.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 03/10/2016 13:57

28 year gao in effect means me dating someone of my mum's generation and whilst I think that can work it undoubtedly adds challenges: you will in the normal events of things be widowed by 60, you will most likely be economically responsible for you family alone for much longer and you are more likely to become a carer to your DH at a much younger age than other people might be.

But if thats who you fall in love with, what can you do? I've had a relationship when I was in my late 20's with a man 22 years my senior. He was a dashing handsome fit young 50 year old. He died last year and I would have been widowed with a 10 year old if we had stayed together. I'm glad it didn't work out for us - I really wouldn't have wanted a 72 year old ill husband now. But the only answer is to walk away before you fall in love - I doubt most people would do it once you already love the person.

I won;t do more than a 10 year age gap now in either direction.

And I do find the men online dating who will only consider women younger than them creepy. They're entitled to set their cap at a much younger woman if that's what they want of course. And I'm entitled to judge them for it.

Original poster
BingbastardBunny · 03/10/2016 13:57

Or that DH is somehow untoward.

OP posts:
clumsyduck · 03/10/2016 14:01

Really ms ?
Not been snidey just genuinely wondering what would make you think they had issues ? I fancy men of all ages , I think people get to a certain age and they are just "adults" I don't mean as soon as they turn 18 but like you get to a stage were you kind of grow up . Job , house, kids etc I'm generalising Massivley but you see what I mean so I think I have plenty in common with people at say 28 but also people at 48 because our lives are still very Similair so in terms of meeting men out of that age pool I could have just as much in common / life experiences to share with men at either end of that age range

Kewcumber · 03/10/2016 14:02

Age is only a number

No it isn;t it a lifetime of experiences and culture.

You candecide the gap isn;t important to you but to pretend it deosn;t exist is nuts.

I am not the same person at 51 that I was at 29.

In fact my OLD profile says "If you can;t remember the Sweeney, you're too young for me (and it doesn;t count if your mum has explained it to you)."

DiegeticMuch · 03/10/2016 14:03

10 years either way is nothing.

A generation difference could be problematic, especially when the older one starts to ail. However, I'd never dream of commenting on it IRL and it's certainly not disgusting, assuming the younger one is 20+ (I find the concept of teenagers with much older partners a bit seedy -let young people "be young" whilst they can).

Kewcumber · 03/10/2016 14:04

at 28 I was quite happy to date a man in their 50's.

Now in my 50's I wouldn't even consider a man in his 20's or one in his 70's - ime age gaps don't stay the same, they are more of less important at different times.

So for example 28/56 maybe
56/84 no chance.

MrsSchadenfreude · 03/10/2016 14:05

My cousin is married to a man who is nearly 30 years older than her (she's nearly 50, he's nearly 80). It was fine when they were 30 and 60, and even 40 and 70. But now he's got dementia and heart problems and doesn't even know who she and their son are.

AlphaBites · 03/10/2016 14:07

There is an age gap of 15+ yrs between my husband and I.

This is the amount of fucks I give about other peoples opinions on it, 0. It's nothing to do with them.

clumsyduck · 03/10/2016 14:08

That's sad mrs but do you think that would be any easier to cope with just because she was the same age as him ??

My mums best friends husband is in a home now because of his dementia that started in his very early 50s . They are the same age .

kirinm · 03/10/2016 14:08

Mitzty - should've been 1 generation. It certainly felt like it. Especially when measured against memories of our childhoods. It could've been that we were raised differently or just totally incompatible (we were) but as I said, we felt the age difference.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/10/2016 14:10

So instead of him chilling out and enjoying the latter years of his life he's going to be running around after kids.
Not for me but it might help keep him young.
Sorry but it's like me going out with a 20 year old.
VOM!!!!! and so so wrong on so many levels (for me anyway!)