Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you what you think of age gap relationships.

260 replies

BingbastardBunny · 03/10/2016 12:56

I saw a thread on here about a mother asking if she should be worried about her child fancying an older actor.
I was just wondering is it a big worry if your child begins a relationship with someone significantly older or younger than themselves.

There is an age gap of 28 years between my husband and I and we are perfectly happy.

OP posts:
MuseumOfCurry · 08/10/2016 09:03

Women can't compete with much younger women aeseticay

If you mean aesthetically, well, possibly yes. But I know (as much as I know anything) that my husband would be bored out of his mind with a 22-year old. When you get to 40, people in their early 20s seem almost like a different species.

I'm 43 and I get indicators every now and again that men my own age still find me attractive.

KERALA1 · 08/10/2016 09:33

The other thing is (as has happened to friend of a friend and men Dh has met through his sport) the Dh dumps his 40 something wife for a sexy 20 something. Who then likely wants Dc of her own. So the Dh has to start again with nappies and toddlers...

MuseumOfCurry · 08/10/2016 09:41

The other thing is (as has happened to friend of a friend and men Dh has met through his sport) the Dh dumps his 40 something wife for a sexy 20 something. Who then likely wants Dc of her own. So the Dh has to start again with nappies and toddlers...

And, the ex-wife laughs - no doubt he left her to do all the night feeds etc and he's sold himself as a modern man to wife number 2, so he's knee-deep.

KERALA1 · 08/10/2016 09:45

Exactly museum! Dh came back horrified at the prospect - our youngest is a mature 8 and we can do all sorts of fun things as a family and he is free to pursue his sport - trips abroad etc. The prospect of turning back the clock 10 years and hanging out at soft play / baby led weaning etc is not appealing..

sparklefarts · 08/10/2016 10:34

I'm 28 my OH is 43. He has a teenager from previous marriage and now our 11 month old. We are on the same page that there are no more children.

If we didn't agree on kids it wouldn't work, other than that te age makes no difference, you kinda just forget about it.

However, I couldn't go older because I'm aware that I'm likely to be living the last part of my life alone

SpareASquare · 08/10/2016 11:23

I have a twenty year old daughter and yes, it would be a huge worry if a 40+ was sniffing around her. It's not so much the age gap, it's more the age of the youngest party. Its all well and good to say "oh, but I'm so mature" at 20 but without life experience there are things you just DON'T know and won't necessarily be able to recognise. I'd wonder at a 40+ year old with a 20 year old because sometimes it isn't just about physically coveting a younger model but that a 20 yr old is likely to be way more pliant and they don't even realise it.

AgainPlease · 08/10/2016 11:26

sparklefarts I'm 28 and my OH is 43 too!

Our age gap is barley noticeable between us and I love him so much although I've been accused of being a gold digger many times Sad

whattheseithakasmean · 08/10/2016 13:00

Its all well and good to say "oh, but I'm so mature" at 20 but without life experience there are things you just DON'T know and won't necessarily be able to recognise. I'd wonder at a 40+ year old with a 20 year old because sometimes it isn't just about physically coveting a younger model but that a 20 yr old is likely to be way more pliant and they don't even realise it

I agree with this, I think it is less about young women being more aesthetically pleasing and more about their ability to be moulded. Plus, due to their age, they inevitably earn less than the older man, so there is a built in power imbalance that is very soothing to the male ego.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 08/10/2016 15:20

I think the power imbalance thing is why some people are comparing it to incest. It wouldn't be for me but it seems to work for some people.

I was recently reminiscing with some old friends about our student days and a lovely older (40+) man I spent many evenings arguing and debating and generally putting the world to rights with. They pointed out he appeared to be madly in love with me and I was absolutely incredulous (although a few things suddenly made sense, like his wife really disliking me). At 20, a 40+ man wasn't even on my radar as a romantic partner. Even though I loved to talk to him all night, it was the more empty headed, less eloquent, 20 something pretty boys I wanted to shag.

FlameGrower · 08/10/2016 16:10

Anyone who compares an age gap relationship to incest is seriously weird as fuck. What a sick little mind you must inhabit bakedapple.

FlameGrower · 08/10/2016 16:24

But If you go for a significantly older man you are doing a disservice to your sex.

What a load of baloney. Flaunting your nubile wares at a married men, not a very sisterly thing to do. But an age gap relationship is not evidence that there's a discarded spouse somewhere!

QueenLizIII · 08/10/2016 16:26

Tom Daley is 22. His partner is 42.

KERALA1 · 08/10/2016 16:54

So what? Same issues apply surely. Also Stephen fry has a much younger partner - to me looks like a man out with his son.

QueenLizIII · 08/10/2016 16:55

Pull your knickers out from up your arsehole Kerala. I meant it is common regardless.

KERALA1 · 08/10/2016 17:05

You sound delightful!

QueenLizIII · 08/10/2016 17:11

So do you......not

Pombearsrunaway · 08/10/2016 17:49

Flame

Sorry but I think age gaps of 20 years plus are pretty incestuous

10 years is really not on the same level IMO

FlameGrower · 08/10/2016 17:58

Er, but how can they be incestuous when it's not incest?!

That's like saying you find age gaps of 20 years plus pretty metallic or pretty horticultural. It makes no sense.

Pombearsrunaway · 08/10/2016 18:07

Ok well semantically maybe it doesn't make sense

I find it fucking creepy and predatory, does that make sense?

FlameGrower · 08/10/2016 18:09

Well done. You got there in the end.

Conflictedoncemore · 08/10/2016 18:22

Some very polarised views on this subject. Some age gap relationships work, some do not, much like all other relationships.

I had a significant age gap with my ex partner 20+ years (I am early thirties) which was wonderful for many years. He made me the happiest I've ever been. Unfortunately he was always concerned I would leave him for someone younger and more successful (to me he was beautiful and very successful) but despite my protestations he felt too insecure in our relationship. There was no real power imbalance, we are both successful professionals and I in fact earned a little more than him (bucking the trend it seems).

Drawbacks for me;

Perpetually being viewed as a gold digger (wrongly)
Being mistake as his daughter
Constantly shocking people at our age gap
Facing the reality that at 60 I might be alone
Urgency to have children asap

Pro's;

A level of maturity that I just didn't find with guys my own age
Life experience, bringing up children (I am clueless), being a professional in the same field as me and knew how to please a woman!
I felt more stable and secure

I absolutely think it can work and am certainly not put off by it for my next relationship.

ocelot41 · 08/10/2016 19:27

I was seeing someone who was 40 when I was 25. I still think there wasn't anything morally wring with it, but looking back now, I think he must have been pretty immature not to want to date women closer to his own age.

MuseumOfCurry · 08/10/2016 21:08

To the woman upthread a bit who is in her 40s dating a 21 year old, the same age as her son - you're putting your son in a miserable position with his friends. Can you imagine the comments he endures daily?

Batteriesallgone · 09/10/2016 03:23

The two age gap relationships I know where the difference is 20+ years, he is older and she was his affair. Which kind of colours my view because those men were bored in their existing marriages and predatory.

I would be very concerned if my 20 year old dd bought home a 48 year old. If she then went on to fairly quickly have two children with him I'd be fairly convinced that he was predatory tbh. Id expect any decent older partner to be worried about the gap, about too readily manipulating the younger partner, and to be worried about the impact on them and the relationship of having children when the younger partner is so young and the relationship quite new.

PageStillNotFound404 · 09/10/2016 13:44

I find it interesting that the naysayers on this thread (or the more persistent/vociferous ones anyway) are those who have no personal experience of being in an age gap relationship but are convinced that it's "creepy" or only happens because of a power imbalance or when the older man has dumped" his wife, despite much evidence to the contrary from those who are/have been in such relationships.

It's fine to say about anything "not for me thanks" but I'm not sure why some people feel such an urge to go beyond that and to try to convince others that something is fundamentally wrong when it patently isn't.

Swipe left for the next trending thread