To ask you what you think of age gap relationships.

[BingbastardBunny]

I saw a thread on here about a mother asking if she should be worried about her child fancying an older actor.
I was just wondering is it a big worry if your child begins a relationship with someone significantly older or younger than themselves.

There is an age gap of 28 years between my husband and I and we are perfectly happy.

DH is nearly 12 years older than me which did put me off a bit before we got together, but it hasn't been an issue since. I don't think I could have had a relationship with anyone easily old enough to be my dad. But then you can have happy marriages with big age gaps and unhappy ones with small gaps.

The biggest age gap I know is DH's uncle, who is about 33 years older than his now ex-wife and was 60 when his youngest child was born.

Well, it's not my place to judge anyone else's relationship. If you're happy, then I'm happy for you.

But since you asked the question, then yes, I would be concerned -and sad- if my dd got into a relationship with someone so much older than herself. Those concerns would be mitigated somewhat if she got together with someone older at an older age herself - say, at 30 when he was 58. Nevertheless, I'd still worry about how things would pan out for her as he moved from middle age to old age. Having watched my parents gradually decline in recent years, I really would not want to experience that at the age I am now with a much older partner, and I wouldn't want that for my daughter either.

If dd got together with a much older man when she was very young - say, before the age of 25 - then, yes I would be very upset, and I'd feel that she had made a mistake. I'd say nothing, of course, and I would ensure that I didn't show my disapproval, but secretly, I'd be very sad for her.

I had a relationship with an 11 year gap and would be vary wary to do it again. We were lacking in cultural overlap and shared memories which was a surprising dampner (you just can't explain the emotional heartache of the Care Bears Movie II to someone, you had to Be There).

She was also much, much further along in her career than I was and it was therefore me who was expected to make compromises on that front.

depends how old the youngest partner is. And it depends upon the good sense, life experience, maturity of the youngest partner.

I'm inclined to agree with this. Personally a big age gap I would find difficult but I know some people with 15 year plus gaps who are very happy.

I am always wary though when the youngest partner is still in their teens and the gap is 15 years+ as there's huge scope for bad things if the youngest partner lacks maturity.

Some one I know marriage broke down she was 29 he was 56 very big age gaps don't work well imo

A big age gap can be a difficulty to overcome, but so can lots of other things. It isn't something I think about on a daily basis, like most people I'm too busy just getting on with my life. My husband is 64 and I'm 43, when we met I was 20 and he was 41. We also come from vastly different cultures, had different faiths and didn't speak the same first language.

Where one partner is looking for either a parental figure, ready supply of cash or a partner they can manipulate easily then obviously the relationship will be in trouble at some point. I'm not going to say my marriage has been all sunshine and roses (except in the sense that I'm very sensitive to heat and allergic to roses!) but we have been together for 23 years and nobody has been stabbed, strangled or buried under the patio. Yet.

The biggest age gap amongst our friends is around 20 years (she's the older). They seem very well suited, but I have a niggling anxiety that he's going to find he does, after all, want children when he hits his mid thirties - and it won't be an option.
But they are hardly likely to have forgotten about that, so I assume they've discussed it and have made their peace with it.

Age is more than a number and people shouldn't really be encouraged to stick within a particular age group once they're working full time and paying bills (be it at 16 or 25). Some people can be younger at 50 than a 30 year old, and some 25 year olds can be boring stick in the mud types. You should be able to love whoever you want to love without judgement.

As long as everyone is a consenting adult, and the relationship is a happy and healthy one, the age gap shouldn't matter.

I don't think it's the numbers that are important. My DH is 16 years older than me. We got together when I was 23. A lot of people judged us based on the numbers and ignored how well we go on together. Especially once a few people worked out that he was closer in age to my parents than me, which lead to the inevitable train of thought that I was looking for a 'father figure'. No-one ever believes that we didn't actually realise the age gap until the fifth or sixth time we met (no-one ever thinks he looks his age for some reason).

People always say I'm setting myself up to be widowed young, but that's not a reason to miss out on 30/40 years (hopefully) before then.

My relative is 42, her husband is 69 and they've been together for 20 years. She was diagnosed with terminal cancer at the beginning of the year. No-one ever knows what life has in store.

Sianimoomin

Why did you marry the pervert!! Please dont say you have daughters!!

I'm 11 years older than DH. We met when he was 19 and he proposed five days later. We're still very, very happy 15 years on.

It's not about the age difference, it's about how suited you are. DH wasn't into clubbing and sowing his wild oats. We had - and still have - so much in common.

Many of our friends who were in closer-aged relationships have split up in the time we've been together, which proves my point I think.

depends on the age group

but when men in their late 30's 40's ect have shown interest in me I must say it made my skin cruel

I tend to think that half one age plus 7 is a good rule of thumb for a reasonable age difference that reduces the risk of a power imbalance in a relationship.

So 20 & 17
30 & 22
40 & 27
50 & 32
etc

Two friends are 46 and 70. He's May, she's September. Blissfully happy, albeit somewhat noisy.

I've just been dating a great guy 28 years my junior! I had to end it due to issues nothing to do with the age gap, but we have remained good friends.

I would do it all again.

Sorry that was a typo - he was 18 years younger,

Hmm, I'm 34 and if my situation changed I'd date a 53 year old. Would probably have at 25, too.

Also, when you have kids you change as a couple : sounds like OP and her fella have grown together.

I think age becomes less relevant the older you get.

It depends. I am 8 years younger than my DH at 21, but I'm a bit older than my years, and the thought of being with a lad my age makes me feel a little bit squirmy and uncomfortable. One of my sisters is 10 years younger than her partner, she's a pretty average 24 year old and he's quite young for boys age, and neither want kids, so that works. My little brothers boyfriend is 15 years older than him and they seem really happy, although I don't see much of him, and my step mum is only 2 years older than me. A lot of people take issue with the latter, but honestly, if you see them together, you see how in love they are. Unfortunately, because of how ill my dad is, she's likely to be widowed before 40, but she knew that going into this, and she's infertile, as is he, so children were never in the picture either.
The only age gap relationship in my family I worry about is my oldest sister. She's with a man nearly in his 60s, there's a thirty year difference, and although she's had her first child with him and it's pregnant with their second, I worry about his ethics (he's very gender role-y, doesn't believe girls should be educated and the such) and my nephews losing their dad far too young. That combined with the fact that they met when she was 17 makes me wonder if she had opened herself up for abuse, but she seems happy, so maybe I'm worried about nothing.
So most age gaps I don't bat an eye, I don't think you can judge them more than any other relationship, with a few obvious exceptions.

I agree with Pagwatch.

The younger the youngest partner, the more of a problem it is.

Thank you for posting this thread and for all your comments. I'm following with much interest.

I met my DH when I was 24, him 49. 9 years on and we're still blissfully happy. Age never an issue but perhaps it helps us to make the most of our time with each other, knowing our happy years could be limited(?), therefore never take each other for granted and the marriage really works. Nothing 'odd'.

I must admit that I do sometimes worry about the future and at what age I could turn into 'carer' but by then we would have had many many happy years together which, for me, is totally worth it.

No one has commented negatively on our relationship- I wonder if a lot of people don't realise the extent of our age gap as he still looks young for his age.

Thank you for posting this thread and for all your comments. I'm following with much interest.

I met my DH when I was 24, him 49. 9 years on and we're still blissfully happy. Age never an issue but perhaps it helps us to make the most of our time with each other, knowing our happy years could be limited(?), therefore never take each other for granted and the marriage really works. Nothing 'odd'.

I must admit that I do sometimes worry about the future and at what age I could turn into 'carer' but by then we would have had many many happy years together which, for me, is totally worth it.

No one has commented negatively on our relationship- I wonder if a lot of people don't realise the extent of our age gap as he still looks young for his age.

(Sorry for double post)