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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you what you think of age gap relationships.

260 replies

BingbastardBunny · 03/10/2016 12:56

I saw a thread on here about a mother asking if she should be worried about her child fancying an older actor.
I was just wondering is it a big worry if your child begins a relationship with someone significantly older or younger than themselves.

There is an age gap of 28 years between my husband and I and we are perfectly happy.

OP posts:
clumsyduck · 03/10/2016 14:12

But it's not because a 20 year old with little life experience only 1 year out of his teens , possibly at uni , living at home etc isn't the Same as a 30 year old with plenty of life experience being with someone of 50

clumsyduck · 03/10/2016 14:14

In my opinion I should add !!

I would deffo go out with someone 20 years older than me but wouldn't look twice at someone age 19 who would only be 10 years younger than me for example

Original poster
BingbastardBunny · 03/10/2016 14:17

DH is happy running around after the children. When I have finished my degree and begin working he wants to take early retirement to be a house husband.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 03/10/2016 14:20

That is exactly my issue clumsy
This is a nearly 30 year age gap not 20.
If OP's OH is 53 that makes her 25 now.
Which would mean, if she already has 2 kids she probably got together with him about age 20!!! Just out of her teens etc......
So he would have been 48 (same as me) and it's like me going out with a 20 year old - yeuk!!!

GreatFuckability · 03/10/2016 14:21

I can't even summon up the energy to care what other people do. I really believe age is pretty irrelevant in relationships, there are far bigger things that make it work/not work.

I think my biggest age gap relationship was 22 years.

Helmetbymidnight · 03/10/2016 14:25

Well since you ask, op, 28 years gap, 'snot my thing at all. Can't really understand the appeal. There's many lovely men of my generation, I don't really want to go out with a member of my Dad's generation. - Or ds's generation.

clumsyduck · 03/10/2016 14:27

hells ah ok I was looking at a different posters age gap

I do try not to judge because Iv had age gap relationships myself and you can't just have a black and white view and number in your head of what's ok and what's not but yea I do feel as I said upthread when the younger partner is very young I worry that they will miss out on the normal part of growing up

MrsSchadenfreude · 03/10/2016 14:31

Clumsyduck - but if they were similar ages, the chances of this happening are much less. Of course people develop dementia in their 50s, but relatively few.

Original poster
BingbastardBunny · 03/10/2016 14:33

I was just out of my teens. However, I had been living on my own in Paris studying French since I left school.

OP posts:
clumsyduck · 03/10/2016 14:34

Well yeh I guess so and I do get what your saying but Generally I think life is to unpredictable and if you love someone and it works then people should just do what makes them happy

Alisvolatpropiis · 03/10/2016 14:38

They're not a big deal really, as long as both parties are adults. Just as likely to meet an older man who is an immature arsehole as a younger one, I have found.

Ragwort · 03/10/2016 14:38

I wouldn't want a huge gap, I think it is a bit 'odd' to have a relationship with someone from a completely different generation and I do wonder why men really want to be with younger women Hmm - apart from the obvious reason.

My friend was in long marriage with an older man (he left his first wife and 2 grown up children for her) - they had children of their own, a very nice life style but when she was a young and fit 60 year old he was in his mid 80s and getting even frailer ............. of course, I know that illness/disability can happen at any time but to be blunt you are far more likely to end up as a carer when threre is a big age gap. I do know she found it quite tough at the end. Now she's a widow and hopefully enjoying her life a bit more Grin.

Helmetbymidnight · 03/10/2016 14:46

I find it a bit...funny, when the young partner say things like how very mature she is, maybe because she doesn't like clubbing or something like that.

I wouldn't be thrilled if DD chose a man much older than her, because I find it hard to believe that a relationship with a massive age gap doesn't have massive inequalities at its core.

MewlingQuim · 03/10/2016 14:53

I think it depends on the individuals involved. Age doesn't have to be important, but people just blame the age gap for any problems.

I had a relationship with an older guy when I was a teen. No doubt people thought it didn't work out because if the age difference, but it wasn't anything to do with that really. He was a cunt at any age Grin

My aunt and her DP were together for 20+ years (she was 20 years older than him), when they did eventually split everyone said it was because if the age gap, while forgetting they had the same age gap for all the years the relationship was successful.

My best friend and her DH are 20 years apart and have been together for 26 years. When they got together people said he was a dirty old man exploiting her, but in reality she is the dominant partner and he does as he is told Grin

I find it odd that people only seem to want to have relationships (sexual or not) with people of about the same age, as if they think they have nothing in common with older or younger people. My friendship group has always included both sexes and an age range of about 40 years, we all have a great laugh and plenty in common. I cant imagine only having people my own age as friends, like being at school Confused

5BlueHydrangea · 03/10/2016 14:53

My dh is 27 years older than me. He was in his 50's when we met, now 70. Have had 15 years together and only recently he has developed some health problems (non - age related ones) which slow him up a bit. We have a 6 yo dd and both have an adult dc too. Not necessarily always the easiest situation but I fell in love with him, age was fairly irrelevant, although did take me a while to get my head around early on.
Not had much resistance from elsewhere although admittedly both our dc found it rather odd in the beginning. My parents are both older than him luckily! Sadly his parents are deceased but I knew his Mum for a few years and she was very happy for us.
I wouldn't necessarily choose someone his age if I was looking but when we met we just clicked. Can't say I fancy many of his friends though!

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 03/10/2016 14:54

It's got nothing to do with other people. DH is 20 years older than me, I was 22 and he was 43 when we started going out. Neither of us have any issues and I didn't 'give up' the chance to have children as I didn't want them in the first place. I don't give a toss what other people think - if there's a problem it's theirs, not ours.

MitzyLeFrouf · 03/10/2016 14:55

I find it hard to believe that a relationship with a massive age gap doesn't have massive inequalities at its core.

I'd only suspect a power imbalance if one of the couple was very young e.g 20 and the other was 40. But a 40 year old and 60 year old? Nah.

RazWaz · 03/10/2016 14:59

I think as long as the couple are suited to each other and are happy together then their ages don't matter (as long as both are over the age of consent). I've been with my OH for 8 years now and there is a 27 year age gap between us.

We started dating when I was 18 and while my parents had concerns at first, once they got to know him they understood why we liked each other and that we make each other insanely happy (even though we're both dirt poor). Him and my dad are now really close friends and my whole family accept him and us.

DudeWheresMyVulva · 03/10/2016 15:03

I know of two significant age gap relationships.

One, the wife was 26 when they got married and the husband had his 70th the year after they got married. (he looked seriously 20 years younger, and the fact he was 70 made my jaw drop). They are a fantastic couple, adore each other completely. Been together for a good 10 years now.

Other is my closest friend. She is 43. Her DH is 63. He had had a marriage before, she has not. They have been together 15 years,one DS, and they are totally totally madly in love.

Both the wives in this have discussed very openly about what the age gap means, and how it will most likely mean that they will be widows for a fair amount of time. But both agree that there are no guarantees in any relationship, so to think that the relationship should be shelved because of something like age is just mad.

I wish them all luck. Two fab couples.

TheNaze73 · 03/10/2016 15:03

I think if you're realistic with your expectations, it's not a problem at all. It's only that go in blind to it or choose not to see the inevitable risks that get bitten. Think there are considerations around compatability & sex drives however, if they're not deal breakers, I don't see the issue

ToastDemon · 03/10/2016 15:16

I've never been very attracted to people much older or younger than me.
My ex was 8 years older which felt quite out of my comfort zone but he looks very very much younger than his age and we felt from the same generation.
My DH and I have a difference of a few months only which I really like for some reason.
But that's me... totally up to consenting adults who they form relationships with.
Although I must admit to being a bit freaked out thinking of a 28 year age gap as that's DHs dad!

myownprivateidaho · 03/10/2016 15:17

I am also suspicious when young people say they are attracted to older partners because they are very mature. Because that kind of maturity isn't really related to age. I also don't think living abroad means you're mature - I lived in Italy and the States in my early-mid 20s but I still changed a lot over those years and after.

amusedbush · 03/10/2016 15:20

Neither of us have any issues and I didn't 'give up' the chance to have children as I didn't want them in the first place.

I get that, I don't want kids either. I only mentioned the "giving up" of having kids in my story because the woman involved really did want them.

Gallopingthundercunt · 03/10/2016 15:57

I am 26 years younger than DH
If I'm brutally honest I would change his age in a heartbeat if I could (just his age, not him!) and I'm well aware of the likelihood I will be widowed early. OTOH I know plenty of people in "conventional" relationships who are not happy and envy what DH and I have.

If DS were to meet a significantly older partner then yes, I would worry. So long as he is happy I wouldn't comment or disapprove, but I would worry for his future.

BuggerMyOldBoots · 03/10/2016 16:01

He's 53 and you are 25?

I do think that's a bit much personally, and I prefer older men myself. If you have children together, then you must have been barely in your twenties when you met, and he pushing fifty. I would worry about the power balance there, plus though he may be fit, healthy and youthful now, I think it's when the younger party hits a certain age themselves that problems can arise.