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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you what you think of age gap relationships.

260 replies

BingbastardBunny · 03/10/2016 12:56

I saw a thread on here about a mother asking if she should be worried about her child fancying an older actor.
I was just wondering is it a big worry if your child begins a relationship with someone significantly older or younger than themselves.

There is an age gap of 28 years between my husband and I and we are perfectly happy.

OP posts:
StrongerThanIThought76 · 03/10/2016 16:02

My only experience of this was with an ex 8 years younger. Amazing man, similar outlook on life etc, but I was divorced with 2 kids in my own home, he'd only ever lived with parents or rented with mates, no real responsibilities. It was that that finally broke us up, not the actual number.

Original poster
BingbastardBunny · 03/10/2016 16:04

I mentioned living abroad because people assumed I had not done anything with my life before DH. It is not what makes me mature.

OP posts:
Original poster
BingbastardBunny · 03/10/2016 16:08

Our friends (who are a mix of ages) often comment that I am the more dominant. But, ultimately we are an equal team.

OP posts:
Original poster
BingbastardBunny · 03/10/2016 16:14

I can't say what the future will hold for us. Who can?
All I know is it works for us and our children are happy.

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clumsyduck · 03/10/2016 16:21

And that's really all that matters and as much as anyone can hope for really absolutely no guarantees in relationships at whatever age

hpsaucy · 03/10/2016 16:25

I'm 22 years younger than DH. Even though most people think DH is 10 years younger than what he is.

We have been together 18 years, have 2 Dds

I always say to my dd1 nearly 16 that she can't have the age difference argument with me, as I was an adult and was able to make my own decisions

milkyface · 03/10/2016 16:27

There is 14 years between me and dp. It doesn't feel like it.

I don't think I could be with someone my own age right now - they all seem like babies to me.

I think girls/women mature much faster than men and that's why age gap relationships are usually older man and younger woman.

Our childhoods weren't much different weirdly.

However if in 15 years from now I went out with someone 15 years younger, their childhood would be completely different than mine. A lot more has happened and changed in the past 20 years, than in the 20 years before that IYSWIM.

It works for us and I wouldn't judge anyone on it

motherinferior · 03/10/2016 16:33

Hang on - there's a whole chunk of life you hadn't been doing. I'm your husband's age and while I'm sure many 25 year olds have done many things I hadn't by that age (though I wasn't particularly a recluse!) but the sheer passing of decades count for a fair bit too.

My mother was 28 years older than me. Looked younger, active up to her last few months, all that. But there was still a considerable gap between us!

Original poster
BingbastardBunny · 03/10/2016 16:43

motherinferior
What am I meant to be doing? I travel, I study, I go out with friends and I have hobbies.

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Bloodybridget · 03/10/2016 16:51

Has anyone mentioned Joan Collins on this thread (sorry haven't read it all)? She was asked in an interview about marrying a man 32 years younger, and replied "If he dies, he dies!".

milkyface · 03/10/2016 16:58

Why can't we do these things you speak of whilst in a relationship?

I'm lost!

Noting to stop me travelling or living abroad or doing a degree or whatever. (I'm talking pre baby for the travelling bit) but being in a relationship with someone older stops you doing none of those things.

Or do you mean if you haven't done any of these things ore relationship you'll have nothin in common / nothing to talk about?

Budgiebonbon · 03/10/2016 17:02

We have an 11yr age gap- and rarely even think about it, it has never been an issue. Other than a bit of piss taking about his childhood wardrobe (70's and brown!) & occasional pop culture references I don't get, it is not a problem.

Out of interest what is considered a significant age gap- is it 25yr plus?

motherinferior · 03/10/2016 17:08

I'm simply talking about the decades that do make a difference between people of one generation and another. Chunks of life that have been lived. It would make a difference to me, certainly.

I have older friends, some of my mother's generation. My life is enriched by those friendships. But that enriching is partly because of the age gap, not despite it. Not sure I'd want a partner - male or female - that much younger than me.

Original poster
BingbastardBunny · 03/10/2016 17:10

I was told there " was a huge chuck of life you hadn't been doing".
I was not saying I could not so the things I listed I was saying that is what we are currently doing. I am not missing out on life.

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MitzyLeFrouf · 03/10/2016 17:10

Relationships fail all the time, usually between people who are of a similar age. An age gap could certainly turn out to be a factor, but so could so many non age related things things. If it's not a problem to the couple well then it's not a problem.

Original poster
BingbastardBunny · 03/10/2016 17:11

I would say anything over 20 years is a significant gap.

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CPtart · 03/10/2016 17:19

I think it's fine until the older person reaches a certain age, usually 70's. I know people can be young at heart, but you can't stop the physiological processes of ageing on the body. Have seen several times a younger woman become her partner's carer, or be left widowed in her 50's. Of course there are no guarantees in life, we can all have ill health and die at a younger age, but statistically, it's far far less likely.

motherinferior · 03/10/2016 17:22

Also forgive my hollow laugh at your 'helping hand later in life' - my 80 year old mother's last few weeks this spring were bloody awful. Just awful. And while of course this can happen at a younger age, and/ or if you are the same age, by 80 it's gone from 'possible' to 'probable' (oh and she was to all appearances in the peak of health and was certainly at the height of a renowned career 18 months earlier. Not a frail old lady declining in the corner, my mum. Many a 53 year old chap was happy to flirt decorously with her).

So yes, I would be wary if a friend my age started swanning around with a lithe young thing.

Vintagegirl1 · 03/10/2016 17:25

Dh is 10 years older than me. He lied about his age when we first met,I was 19,he was 29. We have recently seperated and I do think the age gap has started to show. I am 41 and still feel in my prime,dh has had a few health issues over the last few years and unless he makes some drastic life style changes I doubt he will make it to 60.

GetAHaircutCarl · 03/10/2016 17:28

mother my mate who is 42 has started A Thang with a very lithe young 'un (26).

But as I say, it really is just a sexual relationship. He is extremely easy on the eye and (I'm reliably informed) very enthusiastic in the bedroom department.

She's the fist to admit that it is going nowhere as the age gap is simply too great. As you say, she's simply been on this planet long enough to have done an awful lot and he hasn't. No disrespect to him or anything. It's just logical I guess.

Original poster
BingbastardBunny · 03/10/2016 17:33

motherinferior
Helping hand is a euphemism not a description. I am aware of the emotional and physical hardship of caring for a desperately ill individual.
Last year we said goodbye to my grandfather who died due to cancer. He was chronically ill for 6 years.

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rosecreams · 03/10/2016 17:40

When I was in my 20's I was in a relationship with a man who was 16 years older than me. Looking back I do think he was probably terrified of women and just wanted someone easy to control. A cliche but true. I'm not saying it wasn't nice but it wasn't and especially healthy relationship either and I was glad when it ended.

On the other hand a friend of mine is in a long term relationship with a women 20 years his senior for about 25 years now so she is in her late 60's and he is in his late 40's. They still seem solid but again is it a "healthy" relationship I don't know. He had a dreadful relationship with his mother and she is very much like a surrogate mother figure for him. He is a lovely guy but still like a boy in his 40's and he too has a deep subconscious fear / dislike of women. Still it appears to work for them so hey ho.

Upshot is I think they can work but I'm not sure they are the healtiest of relationships.

Helmetbymidnight · 03/10/2016 17:41

I think the best thing is to come back in 20 years and tell us how wonderful its going then - you'll be my age - 45 and he'll be 73 (eek).

CousinCharlotte · 03/10/2016 17:45

Each to their own and all that, but it's not my thing. I certainly wouldn't have had a relationship with someone aged 48 when I was 20. However it seems to be more socially acceptable for men than women (apart from Barbara Windsor and Joan Collins) for some reason.

motherinferior · 03/10/2016 17:46

And about the passing of the years: they just, you know, accrue. Unless you've done absolutely nothing for nearly three decades - and even so you've probably watched a bit of telly and gone to the pictures and maybe had the odd relationship or two. Friendships that go back to when money was in pre-decimal currency and Harold Wilson was in number 10 Downing Street. People who watched Morecambe and Wise. And Rising Damp. And went to Star Wars when it first came out. And life before mobile phones, and the daring rush of getting one's first email address. Let alone all the stuff that happens afterwards with kids and families and divorces and being convinced nobody else will ever go out with you again and venturing out into the dating scene again and being bewildered by This Thing Called Tinder.

My 50-something friends have kids of all ages - some are grandparents, some have toddlers - and we are all in pretty good nick, really, but there is an anxious awareness of balding and hot flushes and time running out.

Clearly, it's working for you. But this is why many other people might have reservations.