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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was my mum BU to say this to me?

90 replies

TheKrakenSmith · 02/10/2016 17:44

So, this is more of a query, because I'm curious.
I've always had a very superficial relationship with my mum, I know she likes my sister more. However, frequently growing up, from the age of about eight upwards, she would tell me that she would always love me, but she didn't really like me.
I recently recalled this to my DH in a jokey way and he was horrified, and to be fair, I don't think his mum would ever say that.
So, was my mum unreasonable to say this to me? Or is this normal?

OP posts:
Chocoholicmonster · 02/10/2016 17:47

Absolutely she was (is) unreasonable. What a horrible thing to say to anyone, let alone your own child.

wobblywonderwoman · 02/10/2016 17:47

No - its not normal. Mine is similarly unmotherly

I really struggle with it all. I wish I had a normal mum

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 02/10/2016 17:48

I don't think it's normal, as such, but there will be a range. My DPs mum sounds like your DPs mum, she'd never dream of vocalising that. My own mum didn't like or love me and told me regularly. There's a spectrum. I really hope the majority of people never hear anything like this though Sad

ThatStewie · 02/10/2016 17:48

It's a horrible cruel thing to say to a child. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that as a child.

ImYourMama · 02/10/2016 17:49

Wow I could have written your post OP. Seeing my DH interact with his mum made me realise mine is utterly batshit

Nanny0gg · 02/10/2016 17:50

Hideous.

It's telling you you're not a very nice person, but she has to love you as she's your mum.

Even if you thought it (which I don't understand) you should never say it.

Original poster
TheKrakenSmith · 02/10/2016 17:50

To be fair to her, she's very motherly to my big sister, I've always been pretty difficult apparently.
And I take after my dad, whom she divorced when I was young and again, I know she didn't like me because I'm so like him.
If it's not normal, I'm at least sort of half glad I'm not alone.

OP posts:
1potato2potato3potato4 · 02/10/2016 17:52

Yes I think it is unreasonable, but I'm not sure it's uncommon.
As much as you love your child, you don't always get on with them so well.

1potato2potato3potato4 · 02/10/2016 17:52

And I take after my dad, whom she divorced when I was young and again, I know she didn't like me because I'm so like him.
That's heartbreaking really.

Only1scoop · 02/10/2016 17:52

Op my DM used to say that

m0therofdragons · 02/10/2016 17:53

Gosh I know lots of people who say this - usually as in "I love you but I do not like you/your behaviour right now." It's not used frequently but as a teen I can understand why my dm didn't like me at times. I have a great relationship with my dm.

coughingbean · 02/10/2016 17:55

My mum said that too.
I have had an awful lot of therapy.

scaryteacher · 02/10/2016 17:55

My Mum used to say that to me, and I've said it to my ds. It means that she (and I) love our child, but we don't always like them. I love my dh but he pisses me off sometimes, same with my ds, and I expect I pissed my Mum off too. That's all it is. As I am 50 and talk to my Mum at least twice a day, and ds calls me regularly from uni, I don't think anyone has been scarred emotionally for life by the use of the phrase!

Only1scoop · 02/10/2016 17:56

We have a strangely distant relationship....thankfully my dd is the polar opposite.

Only1scoop · 02/10/2016 17:56

Yanbu

museumum · 02/10/2016 17:57

Only acceptable if you were being horrendous and it was clear it was the behaviour she didn't like and not your basic personality.
E.g. If my ds ever got out of control and ended up bullying or stealing or just really off the rails I would tell him I always love him but can't like him while he's doing x,y,z...

JellyBelli · 02/10/2016 17:57

Thats awful and not in the least normal or acceptable. Listening to the childhood some of us had, I htink we should celebrate the fact we reached adulthood without being totally broken. Flowers

rumpelstiltskin43 · 02/10/2016 17:58

Saying they don't like you, or they don't like you're behaviour right now are totally different things.

Saying they don't like you is just downright mean, nasty and spiteful.

GloveBug · 02/10/2016 17:59

I had that frequently from my mum when I was younger. Was horrible Sad

Original poster
TheKrakenSmith · 02/10/2016 17:59

scary it wasn't like 'I will always love you but I'm not liking your current behaviour' though, which I would understand, it was very much 'i love you but I don't like you', which is different, I think?
Also, I think she would tell you we have a great relationship, but I don't think so at all.

OP posts:
madgingermunchkin · 02/10/2016 18:03

I used to get "why can't you be more like [sister] I never had these problems with her" and "you're so like your father!"

She will flat out deny it if asked though. It's one of the reasons I'm NC.

ConvincingLiar · 02/10/2016 18:04

Sounds awful op, very different to I don't like your behaviour/what you're doing right now. Would need to be in the context of lots of love/like/praise not to be awful I think.

skyyequake · 02/10/2016 18:08

Sounds like something my mum would say. We don't talk anymore.

Patapouf · 02/10/2016 18:09

My DM used to say this to me on occasion, usually after I'd had a tantrum/behaved like a brat.

I don't think it's an okay thing to say to a child TBH.

KickAssAngel · 02/10/2016 18:10

I was always 'awkward' apparently. As an adult I've realized that by awkward my mum meant - not her first born preferred child, so my existence was awkward to her. I suspect that I was awkward, but probably caused more by her behavior to me, than because it was a natural trait I was born with.

Apparently, I'm so awkward that I gave the gene to my niece. Who knew that it could be inherited sideways like that?

It's her - not you.