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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was my mum BU to say this to me?

90 replies

TheKrakenSmith · 02/10/2016 17:44

So, this is more of a query, because I'm curious.
I've always had a very superficial relationship with my mum, I know she likes my sister more. However, frequently growing up, from the age of about eight upwards, she would tell me that she would always love me, but she didn't really like me.
I recently recalled this to my DH in a jokey way and he was horrified, and to be fair, I don't think his mum would ever say that.
So, was my mum unreasonable to say this to me? Or is this normal?

OP posts:

hungryhippo90 · 03/10/2016 11:37

Gosh that's an awful thing for a mother to say.

Smrendell · 03/10/2016 11:43

That's what my ex said to me when he broke up with me and it hurt to hear from him, I can't even imagine hearing that from my mum.

MyPatronusIsABadger · 03/10/2016 12:17

My mum still says this, but when I was little she'd practically spit that whatever naughty thing I did was like my (violent, drunk, cheating) dad.
I tried to tell her it upset me recently but she just said i did things to annoy her and she can't pretend to like me when she doesn't.
Not sure how to explain it again really.

MarianneSolong · 03/10/2016 12:23

I actually feel envious. Which is bizarre I know. Because my mother has never ever said that she loved me. So I'd like to have known she did - even if I also knew that she disliked me.

I can see that that the being disliked would be difficult. But to know that someone nevertheless cared and felt connected would be good.

Maybe it's one of those questions about whether the glass is half-empty or half-full.

And I do know it's hard when you see a parent having an easier, more affectionate relationship with siblings.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/10/2016 12:31

Mine never ever talked about loving me either. And she still goes on about how difficult I was and I'm 45. I hid most of my childhood and was as quiet and silent as possible. I found my voice as a teenager. I have minor sensory issues so loud noise is difficult and my brother used to blast the same one piece of music out for hours. The noise was unbearable. Apparently that was fine. My going ballistic was the issue. That I couldn't cope, sleep, read or study was irrelevant. Apparently I should have just got on with it and let golden boy do what he wanted. .

notfromstepford · 03/10/2016 13:18

At least, OP, this thread has shown you that you are definitely not alone!

It wasn't until I had my first child 4 years ago and came across the Stately Homes thread that I began to realise that my childhood was pretty fucked up.

Also talking through things with my elder sister has both made us realise things that we've never admitted to ourselves before such as our mother never said she loved us, never showed any affection either physical or otherwise, never told us she was proud, always dashed our dreams, physically abused us etc etc.

She's a narc, she will never change and at 41 years old I have finally stopped giving a shit about her - mostly. My sister is finding it harder to let go.

My boys on the other hand are told how loved and cherished they are every single day. If I achieve nothing else in my lifetime, I will go to my grave knowing that my boys knew that I adored them, loved them, thought the world of them and would die for them.

WankingMonkey · 03/10/2016 15:10

My mum says this, and has done since I was a teenager. She also very obviously prefers my sister. No real advice but I empathize with you completely. Its very hurtful.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 03/10/2016 15:58

"I don't like you" is actually quite an aggressive thing to say to someone. I would never normally say that to anyone, unless I really wanted to make sure they never spoke to me again. I don't understand how it could ever be a loving thing, or something it could be acceptable to say to your child.

I used to try to make excuses for her, but there aren't any. There is a reason, but that reason is that she's a cunt, unfortunately. Without the usual warmth and depth.

fldsmdfr · 04/10/2016 02:51

I actually feel envious. Which is bizarre I know. Because my mother has never ever said that she loved me. So I'd like to have known she did - even if I also knew that she disliked me.

I can't speak for anyone else on the thread, but for me, telling me she loved me but didn't like me was the only time my mother ever said she loved me, so it rang pretty hollow. Like she only said it because she knew she was supposed to.

I don't really believe you can love someone without liking them. It gets said a lot, particularly on threads by women with arsehole husbands - but I love him! - but I can't imagine loving someone where the fundamental of liking them isn't there.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 04/10/2016 08:13

I can't speak for anyone else on the thread, but for me, telling me she loved me but didn't like me was the only time my mother ever said she loved me, so it rang pretty hollow

Mine also said it when she was hitting me, so like you it doesn't exactly give me the warm and fuzzies! I do understand why someone would feel this way though- sometimes it feels like any crumb would be better than nothing.

RazWaz · 04/10/2016 08:38

My parents say me down and told me the same thing when I was around 10 years old. "We love you, but we don't like you".

I had been acting up a bit as I had mental health problems and had suddenly lost 2 people I was very close too (my step-dad went from no symptoms to dead from cancer in under 3 weeks, and my best friend had an asthma attack at her own birthday party and died).

I needed their support so much right then and I never really felt I had it once they said that to me. It's a devistating thing for a child to hear and leaves deep scars. I would never dream of saying it.

PeppermintInfusion · 05/10/2016 11:57

My DM frequently said this to me growing up, in hindsight I know she meant she loved me but didn't like my behaviour. However I was a child and my behaviour was probably child like (I was an only child who was always expected to behave like an adult when I clearly wasn't), but she has always never distinguished between the behaviour and the person. It has had a profound effect on me and relationships with people, DH and my own child.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/10/2016 12:12

Raz that's crap and the same thing happened to my father. I was just turned 16 and in the middle of exams. No symptoms to dead in 3.5 weeks. Dumped by the love of my life a few months before that - pain still hurts (I thought he was going to rescue me from my family).

I was never ever cuddled, supported or helped through this by mother. She never told me she loved me. Just awful stuff about me. Terrible names. I had major depression and finally sought help at 21.

scaryteacher · 05/10/2016 12:24

I love my Mum but at times I don't like her...same with dh and ds. It can be anything from an action, to an attitude, to a sense of entitlement, to the cats bum mouth my Mum does when dinner isn't what she expected when she stays with us. I can dislike ds when he bangs on about how he is hard done by, which isn't true, and dh when he sods off yet again at the weekend for his hobby.

I always interpreted the phrase as having to alter my behaviour or attitude.

Elbekind · 05/10/2016 13:33

My mum said this to be and my siblings a lot when we were growing up.
I think she'a a fantastic mum and never once felt unloved or upset by it.
It's true- you will always love your children but you don't necxessarily always have to like them when they're behaving badly!
I always understood it as she didn't like my behaviour rather than me personally

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