Was my mum BU to say this to me?

[TheKrakenSmith]

So, this is more of a query, because I'm curious.
I've always had a very superficial relationship with my mum, I know she likes my sister more. However, frequently growing up, from the age of about eight upwards, she would tell me that she would always love me, but she didn't really like me.
I recently recalled this to my DH in a jokey way and he was horrified, and to be fair, I don't think his mum would ever say that.
So, was my mum unreasonable to say this to me? Or is this normal?

She was being very unreasonable to say this to you! My mum would ever say anything like that but my DP mum was quiet nasty when she was alive just died in July there but my FIL was murdered and she became Ba'ath and said things to my DP like if someone said I could have your dad back I would let them kill you and stuff and that to me is beyond disgusting so I can see how your DP is horrified I was at my MIL.

I hope this doesn't bother you now.

I would never use it, even with the distinction of behaviour rather than the child. It's too close to 'it makes me sad when you do x/y/z'. Makes the child responsible for the parent's emotions, which is scary and damaging.

Or, sets up the parent's approval as the ultimate arbiter of the child's worth. They shouldn't do x/y/z because the parent doesn't like it, rather than they shouldn't do x/y/z because of solid, external reasons.

Only child here, more often than not best friends with my mum, yet in big argument she has said the same thing to me. Never forgotten it. Objectively, if we weren't related, we'd have very little in common and the people she likes best as friends I can't stand, so...
Maybe it's one of those things that a lot of parents feel but really shouldn't say.

My mother told me that when I was late teens and no its not normal. She also told me quite a lot she never wanted kids and would be happy if she hadn't then to add to the insult - because she liked to go out drinking. I actually had a dream last night where I screamed at her 'why didn't you get rid of me' We are nc btw.

My mum said the same to me, and a lot about not liking my dad and then saying I was just like him (which I'm happy about would rather be like him than her!).

I didn't realize how damaging it was until years later.

This thread has really made me stop and think: I have said "I will always love you, but I don't like how you are behaving right now" to my DC (usually after DD has told me she hates me - we are going through a real phase of that right now...). I need to find another way to express how I feel.

I think that is the thing, at least in the case of most mothers. We are feeling our way and sometimes blow it, without realising the devastating effect of our words.

Oddly enough, and this is not smugness just a curiousity, my dd came out the spitting image of her abusive father, but that never affected the love I have for her. Before I had her, I would have thought that such a thing would seriously damage a mother-daughter relationship. She has his character too but I think parents are responsible for bringing out the best in our children's innate characters.

Interesting question, Olenna. I don't know. I wouldn't say either but think the first is absolutely unacceptable and emotional abuse, to clarify.
Supernanny makes a big thing of saying 'That was naughty', not 'You are a naughty child', etc, might be similar?

That's a horrible thing for a mum to say to a child. Just awful.

I've used a similar phrase when the children's behavior was hard to handle. I don't have the imagination to come up with stuff like this on my own, it must have been something Dr. Phil or Oprah suggested when talking to misbehaving little ones.

TheKrakenSmith I do not think it is normal, but I guess it is human. All humans can make mistakes and it sounds like your mum was just not able to order her feelings and thoughts in a good way. By this I mean you said "To be fair to her, she's very motherly to my big sister, I've always been pretty difficult apparently. And I take after my dad, whom she divorced when I was young and again, I know she didn't like me because I'm so like him."

So your dad and mum were married and could not get along, you take after your dad (as I do) and your mum found it harder to separate her feelings for your dad from you. She did say she loved you but she also said, very hurtfully, that she did not like you. And I think that was largely, potentially because she was so hurt or upset by what happened with your dad (either that he left her or she felt she could not live with him).

I think the really important thing is for you to know that she did love you, and you are lovable and likable and great. And that what your mum said was not acceptable.

m0therofdragons re "... I know lots of people who say this - usually as in "I love you but I do not like you/your behaviour right now." Those are two different things, not liking someone's behaviour is about the action they are doing at that time, it is very different to saying you do not like them.

I think for some of us we do feel a distinct negative feeling when we encounter difficult behaviour from a child (or an adult) but the feeling is linked to the behaviour. And actually to some degree it can be because we love a child that we actually expect more of them, so when we see our child being rude or disrespectful or whatever we can feel it because we know they are able to be so well behaved etc.

TheKrakenSmith, you said that this was not linked to behaviour so could it just be linked to you reminding your mum of your dad?

I wonder TheKrakenSmith if you have ever talked to your mum about these words and what they mean to her. And how you have taken them? Whether you would feel able to do that.

To some degree I can see that when a parent has a number of children it may be easier to get along with one or the other better. My mum, I think, got along better with my sister because they are so alike. But when we were growing up mum never let this show, and I and my sister grew up feeling equals in her affections and her attentions, which I think we were.

As life went on and she became older and we became middle aged I did feel that she did find it easier to relate to my sister. But because these thoughts came in as an adult they had not damaged my sense of self worth at all. If I think about it now, I would find my dad easier to relate to than my mum (both are now deceased anyway, so am just musing on the past). But as a dutiful daughter (and mummies's girl) I loved my mum with a fierce passion and would have picked her over dad any day.

I guess as one ages one can step outside these relationships and see that they are actually very complex and maybe (JUST Maybe) personalities play apart in the way we express love to others, but that does not mean we love others less.

If your mum really was very callous with you I would get some counselling to help you move forward.

Do you feel strong enough to talk about this stuff with your mum? In your shoes I might give it a go. I might first speak to someone close to me (dh maybe) and see if they (knowing me and mum) thought that it would help or whether it would maybe not help.

Bless you, I am sure you are lovely.

Italian hi! I think part of it is that I'm ASD, but my mam has literally never acknowledged that. Never. I finally got her to about six months ago but she's back to banging on about how difficult I was as a child to anyone who would listen.
I have tried to broach this with my mum, as she does a hundred times more for my sister than me in every possible way, I've just been left to get on with things really. And to be fair to myself, I've done pretty fucking well.
But yeah, whenever I've tried to talk to her about it, she immediately starts crying, says she loves me so much, she doesn't understand why I think she doesn't and basically shuts any conversation down. I don't know why me being like my Dad bothers her so much, they were a whirlwind romance, married after 2 months and divorced after two years more or less. Neither of them were happy but they were always friends, so I don't know why it was demonised so much that I take after him.

OlennasWimple I hope children do understand the difference between behaviour and being, maybe the word 'like' as in 'I don't like...' is unhelpful. I think I will change to things like this behaviour is not nice or is not acceptable or appropriate or whatever! I'm also super conscious that children copy whatever we say .... but I digress....

Mercury, Kitkatandcake, and others, well done for moving forward from the situations you were in and becoming great people and great mums.

You mum was quite a negative person and I would say that in many ways I don;t parent at all like her, but one way she did do things well was always making sure she showed her love equally to me and my sister.

I wonder TheKrakenSmith if this has negatively affected your relationship to your sister? I do hope not. I also think at 21 you are young enough to find some help (counselling) to ensure this does not affect or define you for ever. Honestly as you age your mum's influence becomes so much less and less and you can become your own person. It is a revelation to me all the time that I can choose to respond to life as I wish to, that I can be positive, unlike my mum who was very negative, and that I can be in control of things.

Sorry... 'You mum was quite a negative person' should be 'My mum was quite a negative person...'

Italian I moved out at 15, so I have already put some significant distance between me and my childhood, but I am considering counselling yes, and I think my DH would encourage it.
Unfortunately, I don't have a relationship with my sister, but that's because I have discussed this with her in the past and she basically thinks I was a bad child, and she doesn't see why either parent would love me, and that I only think I'm special because I'm smart (actual quote).

I've said it ABOUT my Ds when he was going through a particularly trying stage, but I would never ever say it TO him.

Kraken I am so sorry about your sister and all you've been through, counselling may help. My dd has autistic tendencies. We sometimes wondered if my mum had them too.

I think you sound brilliantly well adjusted and hopefully your thread has shown you that you are not alone.

Good luck.

1. That's how old I was when I first remember my mum telling me she didn't like me, that and the fact I was an 'accident' and I shouldn't have been there.

Life was difficult, hard to understand how/why I was being treated that way at the time.

Cut her off years ago, no need to wonder why.

And do you know what? She's a fucking bitch (she's still alive). I'm nearly 60 years old and still to this day it makes me cry.

Sorry, so angry right now. Memories.

Just the sort of thing my Mum has said to me over the years.....which is why, when I'm feeling lost, lonely and sad, and I have the "I want my Mum" feeling, the next thought I have is "but not the one I've got".

for you op. People from loving backgrounds have no idea how much this sort of thing hurts. After all, it's human nature to think that if your own Mum doesn't like/love you, then you must be an awful person. Totally untrue in most cases, but a natural reaction.

Check out your DM's childhood. Did she have a thoughtless DM, did she have a bullying sister? - My DM preferred my DBs always and would say that she preferred boys. I realized, when I thought about it in later life, she had a v close relationship with her DF and Not with her DM. I don't know why. She also had a possibly favoured older DSis. Hence, I think, her favouring boys. So it wasn't me, it was her.

My mum gets on very well with her family. We aren't the touchy feeliest of families but she's close to my nan, who also has told me my sister is better than me. She doesn't have any sisters and I know she thinks I don't try hard enough with mine.
Flowers to all that have gone through similar stuff, I recognise the I want my mum, but not MY mum feelings. It's tough.

My mother has always said that she loves me but doesn't really like me. It's actually a relief to know that other people have this happen too, and that it isn't just me who thinks it's really awful.
My mother said the same to one of my children recently when he said something very mildly cheeky. I shut her down right away, but she still doesn't really get it. She seems to think it's just another example of how unreasonable I am.
I'm also relieved to hear that the "I want my mum" thing isn't just a sign that I'm nuts! I've screamed it out loud when I was very seriously ill, and poor MrZ was very confused but offered to phone her (she wouldn't have come, but he was willing to ask). When I told him I didn't mean her, I meant an actual mother I'm not sure he really understood, but then he had a fabulous mother, who I absolutely would have called if she had still been alive.

OP:
That was a horrible thing to say.