Was my mum BU to say this to me?

[TheKrakenSmith]

So, this is more of a query, because I'm curious.
I've always had a very superficial relationship with my mum, I know she likes my sister more. However, frequently growing up, from the age of about eight upwards, she would tell me that she would always love me, but she didn't really like me.
I recently recalled this to my DH in a jokey way and he was horrified, and to be fair, I don't think his mum would ever say that.
So, was my mum unreasonable to say this to me? Or is this normal?

The way you portray this, I would think emotional abuse. It is horrible that she favours her child, who is most like her. I know all about this being the scapegoat in the family.

Had you done something really bad or hurt her feelings and she said "I love you but I don't like you very much right now". Perhaps excusable but definitely not something I would say to dd.

My mother didn't say this to me, didn't need to. I never felt liked or loved. We have a very strained relationship. Completely different with dd. She knows she is so loved and very much wanted.

The more messages that pop up the angrier I'm getting.

I never felt unloved, just that I made my older sisters life worse for being in it, and between trying to make up for that and my being so like my dad, my mum ended up just never really liking me.
It's funny, because I reckon she'd tell you we have a fab relationship, but honestly I feel like she barely knows me.

I was just going to ask kracken, if you are more like your dad.
I'm like my dad, and my mum just couldn't get on with me as she couldn't get along with him.

Yes, my mum reluctantly and perfunctorily fed me and clothed me when I was a baby, and I'm glad she didn't give me to the gypsies as she always threatened, but she didn't nourish me or give me the warm fuzzies in any way when I was a child. If anything, she was dependant on me, like a vampire. If ever I came near her she'd pinch me just to let me know how she really felt about me! I was dressed in old raggy secondhand hand me downs and actually was underweight as a child, so she didn't even do a very good job at the things we consider basic care.

My mum should have spread her bets a bit better when she had the chance..... as it is, I'm the only one left to look after her in her old age and she was very shortsighted in being cruel and nasty to me.

I feel under no obligation to like her at all, and have no inclination to look after her when she's old and dependent. She'll go to a home if she needs care. It's karmic I think.

I have dcs and I learned from aunties and friends' mothers how to be a mother. I learned nothing from my own mother, except what not to do!

I agree kickass, awkward to her has nothing to do with you. Some of the comments have rung so true on this thread, thanks everyone.

and to everyone who had a shit mum, and extra to those who've chosen another, more courageous path than cruelty to a little child.

Mercury, you poor thing,! My mum was never that bad, but I'm only 21 so I'm sort of just realising this shit isn't normal.
I look like my dad, I have his intelligence, and arrogance, and his manner of speaking. I've been recognised as this daughter without me introducing myself as such. Luckily they had 50/50 custody from the off so I had one parent who liked me, and I'm still very close to my father.

I would reply- i love you but you have been a terrible mother to me all my life

Mercury. Respect. . You sound as if you've made an awesome job of bringing yourself up. You sound like one of the children I've read about in autobiographical books.

Good that you're a good relationship with your dad. Someone told me not so long ago to look for substitute mothers. I.e. Women to give me advice and value and care about me. I wish I'd heard this when I was younger. The advice was spot on.

wow i can so relate

your mum was cruel and cold op saying that to you

my mum has never told me she loves me,cant remember her hugging me and i was always jealous,still am of women that have a close relationship with their mum

mum and dad still together,should of divorced years ago but my dad is very ill and she treats him terrible,always been cold to me as im so like my dad and im so much like my dads family,she dislikes me for that and has told me i have a personality disorder

she lives ten minutes walk at most and drives away and never bothered to see her three grandchildren for four months till i said something to my dad

i really dont make any effort with her now but see my dad weekly,he comes to me, but he will die before her probably and the day of his funeral i will have nothing more to do with her

she is close to my sister as they are similar but i will only feel relief when i dont have to have any contact with her

gosh got carried away there

Have you read They f**k you up, by Oliver James? Quite an interesting read. My grandmother used to say to me what your mum did OP, it's horrible and certainly doesnt help you bond with them.

My mum was also very cold and could be quite nasty, she died a year ago and I certainly didn't feel the grief that a lot of people close to their mums feel.

My mother said the same to me, I'm an only child but was a disappointment to her. I wasn't what she wanted, she never told me she loved me and she stop talking to me for years as a teenager, she done the same when I was late 20s and I had enough so I've chosen to cut her off. I wished I had been in trouble to have a reason she disliked me so much but the first time she cut me off was the fact I wanted to go to university! I will never talk to her again, it's been nearly 6 years. I don't see her as a mum. Not all women are cut out to be mothers, I still feel judged when people find out I have no relationship with her as if there is something wrong with me

Unfortunately there seems to be a lot of mothers similar to yours op and mine now that I've started talking to people about my ' relationship' with my mother. It is an absolutely cruel thing to say to a child, I have also been at great pains to make sure both my boys know they are loved no matter what, much to their embaressment at times I'm sure! We have had the conversation that their behaviour is not very likeable at certain times, but they will always know that I love them, and am grateful and blessed to have them in my life.
My mother always said I had ruined her life, got in the way of what she wanted to do and held her back, from what I never did understand. Needless to say we have a very strained relationship now, I'm 46.
As mummyoflittledragon said, I have been lucky to find some substitute mothers along the way, that not only have enriched my life but also given me lots of support and guidance when needed.

My mother is exactly the same. She doesn't like me because I'm very like my father in both looks and character and she loathes him. It's very sad but short of drastic plastic surgery and a personality transplant I can't change it. She doesn't like me and I'm not good enough. It is what it is. I haven't seen her for years, I don't even know where she lives. I feel desperately sorry for my sister though as she is under such tremendous pressure to meet all my mother's never ending bottomless pit of needs. Neither of us is the winning sibling.

My mother used to say this to me on a fairly regular basis and tell me she wanted nothing to do with me (generally over school work). I understand that sometimes people say things in anger but they should apologise and the fact it was repeated regularly is not good.
I have a cordial relationship with my mother now. I have seen her maybe once or twice a year for the last 20 years and speak on the phone maybe 3 times.
I dread her funeral because people will say she was a good mother and she wasn't to me but at least one of my siblings will be upset if I correct this and I will find it hard to not say anything. I am quite curious about how I will feel when she dies. Somehow I managed to move on and just cut myself off emotionally about 10 years ago after another comment.
I would be so sad if my daughters felt as ambivalent to me as I do to my mother and hopefully do nothing to mean that I would cause this.

My Dm used to say "I may not always like you,but I'll always love you" to Me and my sisters when we were kids,I think the "not always" is a big distinction.

I remember my mother saying this to me and my sibling when we were young I.e preteens. To be fair the feeling is pretty mutual

Up until my 40's my Mum said that she never wanted me, she wanted a boy, my younger sister and brother are her favourites, I got used to it and don't really have much of a relationship with her, neither do my children, it's really horrible and I never thought how wrong it was until I had my own children.

My mum said this to me once, it was meant as 'nothing could change the fact that I love you but I don't like your behaviour right now' but she phrased it poorly and the distinction between like and love suddenly seemed huge.

My mum is a wonderful mum, kind, warm and loving and we have always had a really close relationship. But that one poorly phrased thing, said when she was exasperated with me really really upset me and has stuck with me. I even once double checked with my husband that he actually liked me as well as loving me he looked very confused. I'd never mention it to her though, it would devastate her to know how it bothered me.

Huge hugs for those of you who have had this, mums are in a fairly unique position with their ability to screw us up. It is not a normal or an acceptable thing to say to your child though, in fact I've purposefully decided to never say anything like it to my kids ever.

I think it's important to look at other mums and learn from them.
Take mental notes of what they do and how they cherish their kids. How they make a happy family.

It's important too to have older women in your life who can mother you.
My aunties have said to me not to mind my mum as "she's always been weird" and that little comment meant to world to me as they saw her as the oddity too.

It's difficult to explain to others how you'd really rather not have a relationship with someone as fundamental as your own mother, and there's a huge amount of guilt and risk involved with saying: "we don't have a good relationship". There's an unasked question about what you did to have a bad relationship.

Without that essential trusting relationship, I've had to learn to trust and to accept that I'm not going to be betrayed as she betrayed me. I've had to be my own mother, and look for lots of help, by watching and learning, to be a good mother to my dcs.

My MIL is superb, and she's been there for me too. I know I'm lucky. My dad's qualities of being engaged, curious and friendly have stood me in good stead.

According to my mother, I'm a total failure and she's furiously jealous and super critical if I have anything she does not have or couldn't get. She's bitter and twisted, but you'd think she was the best mum in the world by the way she crows to her acquaintances. She has an all consuming eating disorder which she projects onto everyone and always tries to get everyone to eat puddings etc, so she's 'the best' by denying herself. It's textbook stuff really. I think she has some kind of munchusens' syndrome.

My dcs have no time for her interestingly enough. They smell a rat.
I encourage them to listen to what she says and watch what she does, and they've made up their own minds that she's bad news. I don't try and make them have a relationship with her.

Thanks for your kind words they mean a lot actually. It's nice to know we're not alone, and that we are all just doing our best.

I thank the heavens that my dad was kind and gentle and that he loved me and told me he was proud of me. It taught me I was loveable and competent and to concentrate on the good in my life and not to spend too much time on the vampires because it's a waste of time

I'm much much happier when I'm very very LC with my mum. My DH supports me tremendously.
I wouldn't feel right in myself going NC, so LC it is. We'll see.

I wonder if all my self loathing issues stem from my Mother saying this repeatedly growing up. She still says it. 'I love you but I really don't like you right now.' I guess the right now meant I'm likeable some of the time, so that's a plus. She also always says 'you're so much like your father', whom she hates, but also loves in her own way. I said to my young daughter in my mothers presence that I loved her but didn't like her right now and immediately felt sick. My Mother joked that she'd told me I'd understand one day but it was like a horrible flashback of how I felt every time she said it. Your Mother sounds frighteningly similar to mine, right down to the eating disorder. Mine has delighted in making me fat growing up. She'll pick out clothes in huge sizes and say she bought them for herself but they're massive so maybe I might like them. Mine was raised in a very abusive family so I think she's just projecting all she knows. She may well just be a bitch, just like her mother. We are very close now but there is so much I can't forgive her for, and so much I dislike about her. My SO hates her with a passion. Won't even be in the same room as her but he's the one I've always run crying to after every bitter argument.
Sorry to have rambled about my own experiences, but just wanted you to know you're not alone and we are so much better than our parents. I just pray I don't morph into her as the years pass,just as she's morphing into her mother.

This thread has really made me stop and think: I have said "I will always love you, but I don't like how you are behaving right now" to my DC (usually after DD has told me she hates me - we are going through a real phase of that right now...). I need to find another way to express how I feel.

There's a huge difference between 'I don't like YOU', as a person, and 'I don't like your behaviour'.

Do small children hear / understand that difference, though, Broken? I had thought - to myself - that they would, but I'm not so sure now, having read the thread

I had this a lot from my mother. Most recently when I went NC with her a few years ago. Her use of it then just highlighted how she used it as emotional manipulation - her assumption that I'd do anything to make her like me again. And it used to work, but that last time she said it, it just made me think - you know what? I don't like you either, so how about you just fuck off and leave me alone. It was very freeing to think that I didn't have to care whether she liked me or not.

What a horrid mother