To be livid with DS?

[Ujjayi]

Sorry. This is ranty & long.

DS (16) has a GF (also 16). They have been on a total of 5 dates, the last 2 of which have been at my house. Two weeks ago, whilst supposedly babysitting for younger DS, the 2 of them locked themselves away in his room & had sex. Youngest DS left to his own devices doing lord knows what (he's 12). I was angry when I found out because whilst I appreciate they are both of age, there is a time & a place & DS was supposed to be responsible for younger brother. Also, I feel that at their age, 5 dates is way too few for them to behave as though they have the right to do whatever they like in my home.

We talked it through & I believed DS had understood how irresponsible & disrespectful he had been. We specifically talked about how it isn't ok to be getting on when youngest DS or DH & I are at home. I also said I felt they didn't really know each other yet either & he should think about that before being driven by his hormones.

This evening, GF comes over & DS repeatedly asks me if they can go upstairs. I say no, they can hang out in the den (old playroom now teen-space). DS keeps the door shut & we don't think too much of it as we are literally no more than 5 metres away from them in the kitchen (oh how fucking niaive am I??!!). Then GF appears in hallway, grins at us (we were in the kitchen), grabs handful of tissue from downstairs loo & retreats back to den. DH & I exchange looks of "WTAF" & are rendered speechless. We confront DS after she left & he 'fesses up...not before doing his best Bill Clinton denials.

I am livid. I feel they have both behaved disrespectfully & deliberately gone against my rules. It is my understanding that her parents are very strict & would also be furious to hear this. I actually don't know how to take this forward from here.

Thanks for all the comments this morning. DH & I are still going round in circles on the issue of telling her parents. I don't want to come right out & accuse her of anything because I don't know for sure. DH suggested something along the lines of "these kids barely know each other - perhaps we should be encouraging them to go out more rather than be at home where they are more likely to be alone...". Might give us a good indication of where they stand too. I also wanted to explain to her DM about DS's ASD & how we don't feel he is mature enough for such an intense relationship just yet. They are constantly snapchatting - which I expressly forbid DS to use with her a month ago because of impulse control/sexting issues etc & only discovered he had gone behind my back on this yesterday. They actually "met" via social media & not via school so they literally have only spent around 20 hrs together in total. DS only turned 16 a few months ago & whilst the question of being of age is relevant, as his parents we feel the vulnerability of his condition overrides that.

An aside, but it doesn't seem to have been mentioned.....when the gf passed to get tissue and "grinned" at you, was she definitely triumphing in getting one over on you, or was she grinning due to it being awkward/embarrassing/trying to brazen out that she was just innocently going to get some tissue to blow her nose on?

I would sit them both down and say how you have been very open with them and their relationship, and one thing you asked them not to do, they have done and that you and dh feel they are being disrespectful. Depending on the gf's answer, would then determine whether you go to her parents or not. I imagine she would be very much of a yeah whatever kinda gal, in which case I would contact them about the relationship.
Sadly the person who is going to hurt in all this is your ds; either by being dumped for his best friend, or by her ending up pregnant and then having to deal with her parents etc. He is also sounding a bit overwhelmed by it all really, and almost playing along with da ladz about their sex life. Some of it might just be bravado and not actually happening.
Does he have his phone in his room at night? Maybe take it off him at a certain time, so he is not tempted to snapchat her during the night.
Good luck and I hope things work out. Who knows, you might be lucky and their relationship might just fizzle out!

I agree with your husband, accusation and confrontation would just cause upset and conflict. Approach her parents along lines of it being too serious too soon for both of them, not wanting them to have to deal with anything they're not ready for. But also pointing out your concerns for your son.