To be livid with DS?

[Ujjayi]

Sorry. This is ranty & long.

DS (16) has a GF (also 16). They have been on a total of 5 dates, the last 2 of which have been at my house. Two weeks ago, whilst supposedly babysitting for younger DS, the 2 of them locked themselves away in his room & had sex. Youngest DS left to his own devices doing lord knows what (he's 12). I was angry when I found out because whilst I appreciate they are both of age, there is a time & a place & DS was supposed to be responsible for younger brother. Also, I feel that at their age, 5 dates is way too few for them to behave as though they have the right to do whatever they like in my home.

We talked it through & I believed DS had understood how irresponsible & disrespectful he had been. We specifically talked about how it isn't ok to be getting on when youngest DS or DH & I are at home. I also said I felt they didn't really know each other yet either & he should think about that before being driven by his hormones.

This evening, GF comes over & DS repeatedly asks me if they can go upstairs. I say no, they can hang out in the den (old playroom now teen-space). DS keeps the door shut & we don't think too much of it as we are literally no more than 5 metres away from them in the kitchen (oh how fucking niaive am I??!!). Then GF appears in hallway, grins at us (we were in the kitchen), grabs handful of tissue from downstairs loo & retreats back to den. DH & I exchange looks of "WTAF" & are rendered speechless. We confront DS after she left & he 'fesses up...not before doing his best Bill Clinton denials.

I am livid. I feel they have both behaved disrespectfully & deliberately gone against my rules. It is my understanding that her parents are very strict & would also be furious to hear this. I actually don't know how to take this forward from here.

He's sixteen.

With the best will in the world, a lot of sixteen year olds are very capable of being absolute arseholes. Just because your lad is being an arsehole about it right now doesn't mean you haven't done the right thing.

It sounds like he's a toddler who's got a new toy and has just been told he can't play with it all the time.

Fwiw you sound totally and utterly reasonable. And his friends sound like they know far too much about his sex life.

I'm pretty sure all teens have a rant about their parents now and again. You can normally expect reasonableness to resume by about nineteen or twenty.

Ban her from your home. If she does end up getting pregnant, you don't want the deed to have happened under your roof, and her parents going crackers at you for letting the pair of them go at it like bunnies.

Schokolade Thank you. I need some solidarity right now. They have been snapchatting but he saved the images as photos (no idea why).

I like your suggestion that I should go on strike & let him sort out his own crap.

I have worked my arse off for this boy & fought a ton of battles on his behalf. And suddenly he discovers his dick & I can just fuck off with my parenting.

Amelie10 yes I was rather at the "put a lock on their door" attitude. If DS was older, in long term relationship, I wouldn't have an issue. As I keep saying, I know they will have sex but they can bloody well go about it respectfully ie not when anyone else is home. To coin a much-loved MNism: Their sense of entitlement is giving me the rage!

I'd ban her from the house, it won't stop them...but at least you won't have to put with their shenanigans under your roof!
Oh, and buy the boy some condoms!

Why on earth would you not tell her parents? You're no longer breaking your DS's confidence because she herself has made it quite unsubtly clear to you they were shagging. They can try to blame you all they like, they're in the same boat you are, they just don't know it...

I'm going against the grain sex is ok if your out of the house is that right? Surely you don't follow by the same rules. End of the day they will do it regardless where they are and there isn't anything wrong or dirty about aslong as they are safe. He could be with this girl for the next three years or three weeks. They are legally able to do it and your issue isn't because they are doing it more when your there.

I'm also a very open mum regarding sex and boyfriends but reading this what concerns me is that she's using him. It sounds far too close to sexual abuse for my liking, which while he can't see it now could have major emotional repercussions for him in the future. I'd be having a word with her parents and her.

Not just about disrespectful behaviour but also consent and coercion. There's very much still the opinion that pressure to have sex doesn't happen Female to male but it does and has the same effects as a boy pressuring a girl.

Do her parents know about the relationship? Do they know of your sons condition and how it means he is less mature, more easily led?

Try not to be too upset about what he's said to his mates, you'd be hard pressed to find a teen that hasn't said similar things either to impress or just because they're pissed off. None of us wants to think ours would & we like to that we have a better relationship with them than that, but actually, none of us immune to it 💐

Given that you think she's using your DS to get experience whilst flirting with his mate & that your DS's is being coerced into going against what he's told her he thinks is right (about what his Dad said about loving someone) and him being more vulnerable to pressure and very possibly not using using condoms if she doesn't want him to, I'd definitely tell her parents. Hopefully they'll keep her home & ban DS. I'd be all for keeping them apart before you find you're about to become a grandmother! They will end up living with you because her parents won't have them & you will give into DS's pleading...

Take the den door off and stash it in the garage!

Your Rules , your house.

• and because she brought it on herself openly flaunting your rules, and with a smirk, little madam. I'd call her parents & have the smile wiped off her face.

If say something to her mother. And give him a bollocking too. Disrespect little shits

I'd put a lock on his bedroom door. Ask them to lock the door and perhaps put some music on (incase of noise) and let them get on with it

Seriously?!

OP I feel for you here I do.

You ban her from the house and they will have sex somewhere else.

I think the best way forward is probably a very good safe sex talk, buy him condoms for when he does go out and dip his wick, but have a complete open door policy for when she comes round

They are not allowed to go off on their own. They are to be within eye view at all times until they can earn their trust back. Once they can be on their own, they then have to leave the door open at all times until they can be trusted

Her parents need to be told and you need to bollock your son, they both sound very disrespectful.

Ah, to be a teenager again and know everything...

Has your dh tried talking to him? Would it be better coming from him man to man? (That made my teeth itch typing that?) Or maybe another adult who's close to him?

Without excusing your ds' behaviour it doesn't sound like his gf is a good influence on him at all.

I can only imagine your frustrations at being the best parent you can be and having it thrown back in your face.

Open doors. If they aren't open, knock loudly and then open after 30 seconds. Repeat until he gets it. There aren't really any other places teens can have sex. They might try to go out doors but the weather is on the turn so this isn't likely to happen often. Also the tissues suggest they aren't using condoms.

And don't worry about him slagging you off to his mates. In reality he's just telling everyone you're being a caring parent rather than turning a blind eye.

Given her disrespectful attitude, I'd speak to her parents. My hands would be itching to smack her over that grin.

In the end, your son's life will change forever if she gets pregnant. If they're only using condoms and seem to enjoy risk-taking, I would assume she'll get pregnant sooner rather than later. Even if her parents disapprove of her having sex they can help her to limit the consequences.

Regarding her parents, if that was my daughter I would want to know so I can sort out birth control on my end and make sure she fully knows what she is doing and the consequences of her actions

I wouldn't be happy about her having sex but like I said, you can't always stop them.

I'd sit them both down, invite her parents over and do a whole Clare Rayneresque demonstration of condoms and contraceptives and embarrass the hell out of them. I don’t think not saying anything directly to her or her parents will ultimately solve this problem, she clearly doesn’t care so now is the time to make her care.

I think you need to go for the it's grim approach as well. Ask him to imagine how he would feel if you were having sex in the next room. No parent or child should ever have to hear the other having sex. Just no.

I am going to be a grandma early next year and they are having to live with us, otherwise they would be homeless as she was asked to leave home.

Well done for stepping up. It really fucks me off if (as it sounds like) her parents were all cool about them having sex until she fell pregnant then they washed their hands of her and kicked her out. That's a disgusting attitude.

I really think the question of whether to tell her parents is difficult. My first thought was 'tell them, they kids aren't showing you any respect so why should you treat them respectfully'....but, if you don't know the parents, who knows what their reaction could be? Is there a chance they could kick her out? I think at this stage I'd be going with the open-door policy when the kids are at yours and anyone else is home.

I'm kind of shocked they're not embarrassed. I was having sex at 17 but very discretely. The idea of my boyfriend's parents overhearing would have sent me screaming from the house tbh.

The point is she's not embarassed in front of you, because she doesn't care what you think. I bet she'll soon change her tune when you involve her parents, which will hopefully be a lesson to your DS too, that you aren't going to be disrespected.

I'm really confused. You don't mind him being sexually active but you are unhappy with him doing it in your house?
Where would you prefer?
Also, perhaps he hasn't told his girlfriend you don't want them shagging in your house.

OP you are doing NOTHING wrong by refusing to agree to allow your 16 year old son to have sex with a girl he barely knows, in your home when there is every chance that your younger child will become aware of what is going on.

I would absolutely contact her parents and tell them that this is the decision you and your DH have made and that you would be grateful if they could encourage her to respect your house rules.

And from now on, open doors at all times.
If they don't like it they can hang out somewhere else..
Disrespectful brats.

If you don't tell her parents now, be prepared for them to come to your door very angry, when they eventually find out that you have been facilitating your son to have casual sex with their 'innocent young daughter'.