To be livid with DS?

[Ujjayi]

Sorry. This is ranty & long.

DS (16) has a GF (also 16). They have been on a total of 5 dates, the last 2 of which have been at my house. Two weeks ago, whilst supposedly babysitting for younger DS, the 2 of them locked themselves away in his room & had sex. Youngest DS left to his own devices doing lord knows what (he's 12). I was angry when I found out because whilst I appreciate they are both of age, there is a time & a place & DS was supposed to be responsible for younger brother. Also, I feel that at their age, 5 dates is way too few for them to behave as though they have the right to do whatever they like in my home.

We talked it through & I believed DS had understood how irresponsible & disrespectful he had been. We specifically talked about how it isn't ok to be getting on when youngest DS or DH & I are at home. I also said I felt they didn't really know each other yet either & he should think about that before being driven by his hormones.

This evening, GF comes over & DS repeatedly asks me if they can go upstairs. I say no, they can hang out in the den (old playroom now teen-space). DS keeps the door shut & we don't think too much of it as we are literally no more than 5 metres away from them in the kitchen (oh how fucking niaive am I??!!). Then GF appears in hallway, grins at us (we were in the kitchen), grabs handful of tissue from downstairs loo & retreats back to den. DH & I exchange looks of "WTAF" & are rendered speechless. We confront DS after she left & he 'fesses up...not before doing his best Bill Clinton denials.

I am livid. I feel they have both behaved disrespectfully & deliberately gone against my rules. It is my understanding that her parents are very strict & would also be furious to hear this. I actually don't know how to take this forward from here.

[BillSykesDog]

You're fighting against the tide I'm afraid. They're going to carry on doing it somewhere and personally I would prefer that it happened somewhere safe and would turn a bit of a blind eye.

The alternative is that they're going to have to start lying and sneaking around. And if they're not under your roof it's going to be much more likely that it's going to happen somewhere that other dangers like alcohol come into the mix and they might not be properly prepared which will make it much more likely you'd be welcoming a grandchild sooner than you'd like.

It's perfectly normal for 16 year olds to have sex lives. And 12 year olds don't need babysitting. It sounds like you treat them a bit younger than their years. Perhaps tolerating it occasionally when you're out might be a way forward.

[BoopTheSnoot]

If it was my DD, I'd want to know. The grabbing of tissues does make me wonder if they're being safe (eeww, I know but it had to be said). If she ends up pregnant, the shit will hit the fan for everyone in both immediate families.

[DustyOfSkye]

Tell her parents and say I dont appreciate your DD thinking it's a big joke to have sex in my home when we've asked them not to: can you check she is taking precautions, etc.

no no no please DO NOT tell her parents!!! It's definitely not your place to do that.

But, yanbu, they should not be flouting your rule about shagging under your roof. Eeew, at teenagers doing it 5 meters away from their parents!

The GF is being very disrespectful. I would make it clear that the consequences of not respecting your house and wishes is a ban on visits. Be firm.

[DustyOfSkye]

*The GF and you DS

[QueenLizIII]

The grabbing of tissues makes me think it was the end result of a hand job to clean up rather than sex. hence no condom.

Sorry for being graphic

[Ujjayi]

BillSykesDog I had told DS after first incident that if no one else is home then they could be a bit more relaxed about things. I am quite protective of him as he has autism & is quite young for his age.

As for youngest DS, we were out until 11.30pm. I personally think that's too late for a child that age to be left without someone looking out for them.

[Ujjayi]

I really don't have an issue with him being sexually active. It's about appropriate timing & living by my rules in my home.

[QueenLizIII]

The eldest DS is autistic or the youngest?

If eldest is young for his age should he be babysitting a 12 yo.

[midsummabreak]

I wouldn't feel it is fair to blame the girlfreind. It's a situation as old as Adam and Eve and needs two for the tango
Good idea to have a GP visit for the two of them for disussion & care for future sexual health, contraception, pregnancy
Pretending it will go away by banning the girfreind is naiive

[Ujjayi]

Eldest has autism (high functioning). He only started babysitting a few months ago - with a view to giving him more responsibility, at his request. He's young in the sense of being easily influenced by others.

[Ujjayi]

Midsummer I certainly don't blame the GF - they are both equally responsible. DS says they are using condoms but she isn't on the pill. Teen pregnancy scares me but DS just giving me the eye roll when I try & discuss that aspect of it.

[DustyOfSkye]

I don't think it's naive to be firm that having sex under the OP's roof is not on.

She is perfectly entitled to not want to be in the next room whilst her son is having sex!

[itmustbemyage]

I'm sorry to say that banning them may not necessarily have the effect you want. After catching my 16 year old and his GF having sex in our house we asked them to respect our house rules, they had only been going out a couple of weeks, they ignored us and we caught them again. We then banned the girlfriend from coming over because of their lack of respect for our feelings. Her parent didn't mind, she's older, so they had sex at her house. Despite several frank talks about using contraception I am going to be a grandma early next year and they are having to live with us, otherwise they would be homeless as she was asked to leave home. The baby will be loved by us all when it comes but i was devastated when I first found out.

[MissMoo22]

No closed doors would be the option I'd go for. They're going to find somewhere to have sex though, but while you and your younger son are home I would insist on no closed doors.

[BillSykesDog]

I think you're being fair enough then if you've given them leeway when you're out and they've disrespected that.

I'd ban her from visiting while you're home though.

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

When everyone's out it's absolutely fair game! Thank goodness my first serious bf's parents went out regularly leaving the house empty! We used to get on with it and have the decency to be out by the time they got home sparing any awkward moments.

[Ujjayi]

ItMustBeMyAge what a nightmare for you. You are living my biggest fear. How are you coping with it now?

[SpareASquare]

I would have a huge problem with the girl and it has zero to do with the sex. I was a sexually active teenage girl but would never have dreamed of being so disrespectful to someone elses family.Of course, I'd be more upset at my child, thats a given, but the disrespect would bother me immensely

[LouisvilleLlama]

It depends how much the house is empty doesn't it? In my family there was literally someone in all the time due to disability etc. I do think your house your rules and it should be respected. I would imagine they will find elsewhere to have sex.

I wouldn't tell her family, it's not your place, it's not illegal and I would imagine you don't know too much about her parents. They could react any number of ways.

[Ujjayi]

Giddy - that's exactly how I see it. Of course they will experiment - it's perfectly natural. But I feel that if you are mature enough to be having sex then you're mature enough to abide by rules too.

[Newmanwannabe]

So he's physically mature and of age but you say he's mentally young for his age with high functioning autism. Is he capeable of being responsible enough for contraception then- especially if your getting lots of eye rolling ?

I think you need to have a chat with his girl friends parents to see if they need to talk to her about contraception too... 16 is very young still. Even if they are "legal". Otherwise he may shortly find himself with a lot more responsibility than just caring for his 12 year old brother

[Ujjayi]

Louisville there are "empty house" opportunities here so it's not like they wouldn't have any time alone together. However, I'm not about to start vacating the house to give my DS shag-time! For example, I got really annoyed with DS repeatedly asking me if we were going out tonight, are you sure you don't want to etc etc, followed by a big ole' toddler strop when I said no & put my pjs on!

[midsummabreak]

My apologies ujayii, I was mistaken. Great that you have discussed contraception with your son- not the easiest parenting conversation :) My 16 year old son eye rolls at me too and blocks me out by getting all gruff. He recently started going on dates with his girlfreind to the cinema,etc and they have been smooching on the couch at my place but our home is all open plan.
I guess you could discuss reliability of condoms as a contraception, and what your son and the girlfreind woud do if they were in that 2 % Unfortunately because she has strict parents this puts her at greater risk of pregnancy unless she can see a Dr and discuss suitable contraception
This is very difficult for you and you sound a lovely mum. Although your son may need time to get his head around respectul boundaries, he sounds like he will with support. A visit to GP to help him see that you are handling the issues responsibly and with respect for him and his girlfreind may help him start to see sense . What would likely happen if his girlfreind told her parents?

[NoFucksImAQueen]

DS just giving me the eye roll when I try & discuss that aspect of it


I would
Reply that If he's not mature enough to discuss it then he's not mature enough to be having sex.
He's taking the piss

[Ujjayi]

Midsummer I don't know her parents personally, but from DS has said they sound strict & not happy for them to be alone in her room, for example.

I'm feeling much more calm now but am still of the opinion that they have shown a total lack of respect for me, my rules & my home. And this is particularly galling given how open I am with DS about sex, contraception etc. eg telling him about Brook clinics, local GP teen surgery, even offering to buy bloody condoms - in the belief that I'd rather he was prepared. And in saying to him that it's natural to experiment etc & I'm cool with it. Just please not when I'm home.