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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset by SIL's behaviour

303 replies

RedRoosterLondon · 01/10/2016 23:58

I lost my dad six months ago. He wasn't wealthy but he did own a house. As we live in London he put in our (my sister and myself) names to minimise inheritance tax when he died.

Because he had used a good solicitor things and had a simple will went through quickly, so we were able to sell the house a few weeks ago.

My sister in law has asked for a loan for 300k - to rescue her failing business. I refused and have been called every name under the sun, because she knows I have iit.

My husband wants me to help her. AIBU to say no.

OP posts:
EverySongbirdSays · 02/10/2016 01:30

All things being equal, all money is joint money. In this instance MNetters are often accused of having double standards for gender ie the mans money is "our", the womens money "hers"

In this specific scenario, this is so different. Yes, on one level it is "our" money, but ONLY if it was going to be used for you as a couple or your children, not so that your fathers money can be used to prop up his son in laws sisters nearly bankrupt business.

He can get to fuck, she can, and what a fucking liberty of both of them.

This would make me look twice at my marriage and send me running to a solicitor and safeguarding the money before I even told him we were over.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 02/10/2016 01:39

If her business is rescuable for 300k then she needs investors who have experience, not family.
Have you, DH and your dc previously shared profits from her business? If not then you don't need to see it as a family business deserving of family money.
Tie it up for dc and their interests. Do allow you to draw upon it to house you and dc should DH persist in such nonsense.

RedBullBlood · 02/10/2016 01:46

I do see that my questions are beside the point, by the way!

No, I would not lend her the money as there is no guarantee she can repay it, and I would be beyond upset with DH.
She really needs professional help with her business.

Amethyst81 · 02/10/2016 02:11

No do not lend it, this is your inheritance, your dad wanted you and your sister to have the proceeds from his property. What happens if sil loses all that money? I would also be questioning her business skills to need to be lending that amount from family, poor credit I'll bet. Your DH should not be supporting her either, the risks are too high

WetPaint4 · 02/10/2016 02:13

Your money, his money, joint money, however your husband chooses to see the money none of it matters if you say no and as you rightly have he needs to accept it and let it go. Jeez, I'd be reluctant to invest such a significant amount in a growing business, let alone one that's already failing.

LilQueenie · 02/10/2016 02:19

what kind of business does she run that need that kind of money?

I would say no and ask questions to find out how long her company has been failing and anything else that would catch her out as Im not even sure I would believe her. Is she usually like this with you?

Lynnm63 · 02/10/2016 02:20

Under no circumstances would I loan it to sil. I'd make sure that the money was ring fenced in your will for your DC and I'd consider not having your 'd'h as executor of that will or at least joint executor with someone else.
A few grand to tide her over cash flow situation I'd say maybe but 300k for a failing business wtaf.

BeauHeaux · 02/10/2016 02:25

It's this kind of shit that drives families apart. Fast forward 20 years when your kids don't recognise their cousins when they walk past them on the street because of a family loan situation gone tits up. Don't do it!

phillipp · 02/10/2016 07:44

Wow she is a twat and so is your dh.

Dh inherited money from his grandparents. I was quite happy for him to do what he wants with it. Which was start a business. If I inherit from my parents I will be doing what I want with it. However, I will be be looking at how to ring fence it. Dh is lovely. But who knows what will happen in a few years we could split and he could turn into an arse.

Your dh is already an arse and I don't think having the money in an account that's just in your name is enough to protect the money if he decides to split with you over this.

Do not give her or him any money. Get it protected. And leave the bastard. I never say that, but I would be seriously considering it if dh expected me to do this.

gruffaloshmuffalo · 02/10/2016 07:50

Wow! That's a hell of a lot of cheek

AyeAmarok · 02/10/2016 07:58

I'd actually be more concerned about your husband's motives here than your clearly inept SIL.

I think I'm semi quoting Donald Trump. But it takes someone to be worth a lot of money to be needing a 300k loan, in a way!

ToastDemon · 02/10/2016 07:59

I don't know if I could come back from that level of disloyalty from a spouse.

Penfold007 · 02/10/2016 08:19

I'd see a solicitor as soon as possible and make sure your inheritance is ring fenced so neither your H or his Sis can get their hands on it. Her business is failing for a reason and she obviously can't get finance from a bank or similar.

Resideria · 02/10/2016 08:21

I can't believe the cheek of your SIL! Your husband may or may not be naïve and wanting to help out his sister, BUT if he still supports her request after she abused you verbally, I'd have to let him go.

MagikarpetRide · 02/10/2016 08:24

Just before DD was born my GM died. She didn't leave much but DH did not see that as our money. That was money my GPs had worked their life to save to help us have a future. I chose to invest it in our house as I'm pretty sure thats what my GF would have liked. If DH had asked if I could loan it to his family member's failing business I'd have actually metaphorically walloped him round the head.

sparechange · 02/10/2016 08:25

I wouldn't bother setting up a trust fund for the children because it would give dh more access in the long term to it.
I would say buy another property in your name alone and rent it out. Tell dh and sil that the money has gone.
I would be careful and not trust banks etc to make sure only you have access and dh doesn't plunder it.

This is absolutely terrible advice. Having it in a bank in your DCs name does not give your DH access, and there is no reason at all not to trust banks
Buying a secret buy to let us a terrible, terrible idea on so many levels

PirateCatOvenGloveOption · 02/10/2016 08:25

I have loaned money (nowhere near the amount you are being blagged for) to someone I never ever dreamed would let me down and they fucking well have let me down. I am so upset and angry. I reckon I will have to go the court route which will unleash a shit storm in the family. I wish I had just said no. YANBU. Keep your money, it was your fathers wish after all.

Helloitsme90 · 02/10/2016 08:26

Fuk no!
Sorry for your loss OP
I'm assuming the money is for you DH sister? I cannot believe she's actually asked. You must must must never part with that kind of money. It's yours. It's only been 6 months this, you're still grieving! I lost my dad last year and inherited some money. There is no way my DH would dream of expecting me to bail out his family members. That is life changing sum of money. He is being a twat and so is sil just for asking!

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/10/2016 08:28

How awful for you. To lose your father then be subjected to this. I agree, speak to your fathers solicitor. Get the money water tight for your dcs.

TheVirginQueen · 02/10/2016 08:29

I cant believe she'd ask!
Think about it OP, most people would feel awkward asking for a 50 they'd pay back for certain.

The sheer nerve of the request beggars belief. How strong is the marriage, i agree that it is fishy that your husband thinks giving away 300k is a good idea. Maybe she would take an agreed cut, hand the rest over to him, and then in their minds he wouldd have had his legal share - if you split up.

CousinCharlotte · 02/10/2016 08:30

No fucking way and what a fucking cheek even asking.

Inertia · 02/10/2016 08:31

My understanding of trusts suggests that two trustees are put in place, one of whom would usually be someone in a professional capacity e.g. your solicitor.

Stevefromstevenage · 02/10/2016 08:38

So sorry to read about your Dad. It sounds like you have been through s difficult time.

As to you situation with your DH and SIL, to me your DH is worse than SIL. She is desperate and completely barmy. He should see that and support you. Under no circumstances give her a penny. Get back to that solicitor your dad used and put the money into something secure for your children's future. See if you can get something that you can dip into in case you need money in the meantime.

ChuckBiscuits · 02/10/2016 08:39

Surely if the business is a going concern then a bank or a business investor would be a better option for investment?

Otherwise you would own half or perhaps more of her business surely? And in that instance you are automatically her boss. Which you are not qualified for [perhaps, you might be, I don't know?].

You would need an independent Due Diligence report on the business, and need to know all the ins and outs and what order book she has as well as future business plans.

Even the Dragons don't get asked for £300k in most instances.

AmberLynne · 02/10/2016 08:44

It's possible that the company is already in the process of bankruptcy and the 300k debt is actually existing loans.

In any case, run like the fucking wind from this money sucking vampire.

And Hmm at your DH. What's his agenda? It all sounds very dodgy.

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