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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset by SIL's behaviour

303 replies

RedRoosterLondon · 01/10/2016 23:58

I lost my dad six months ago. He wasn't wealthy but he did own a house. As we live in London he put in our (my sister and myself) names to minimise inheritance tax when he died.

Because he had used a good solicitor things and had a simple will went through quickly, so we were able to sell the house a few weeks ago.

My sister in law has asked for a loan for 300k - to rescue her failing business. I refused and have been called every name under the sun, because she knows I have iit.

My husband wants me to help her. AIBU to say no.

OP posts:
ToadsforJustice · 02/10/2016 00:25

I wouldn't be surprised if DH told SIL to ask for the loan.

DustyOfSkye · 02/10/2016 00:27

What are you saying toads?

Youarenotprepared · 02/10/2016 00:28

YADNBU It is life changing money. A decision to give it away (because lets face it that's likely what it is) should only be taken if BOTH parties agree.

If her business needs 300k to survive it's not likely to actually survive. Very few businesses can come back from a debt that large. It's not about her it's about your family, your kids.

If she's run her business legally and morally right she has no reason to fear it going under. I've had a business fail and it was horrific but if you set up and run correctly you should not be personally liable so it affects you mentally but not financially. (Although you will likely have to go back to work for someone else) 300k is a huge amount.

I got an inheritance last year. We jointly agreed how it would be spent. I would have been livid if DH suggested pissing it away into someone else's pot.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 02/10/2016 00:29

I'd go back to your fathers very good solicitor and make sure that money was totally safe. Shut them both down, tell them the decision is final and never to speak of it again. Cheeky feckers, both of them

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 02/10/2016 00:29

Fuck no. It'd be like using it as toilet paper.

BoopTheSnoot · 02/10/2016 00:30

No offence, but tell her to fuck off. What kind of person exploits a family member's grief by asking for £300k from their inheritance?
If her business is already floundering that badly, it could still likely sink anyway even after receiving that cash injection. If she is desperate she should contact her bank for a business loan.
YADNBU! Do not be guilted into handing over a penny of what your dad intended for YOU!

ToadsforJustice · 02/10/2016 00:31

My view is that SIL was moaning about her business needing a cash injection so DH said that OP has recently "come into money", so suggested to SIL that she should ask OP for the money.

Rockingaround · 02/10/2016 00:34

No way!!! Shock your Dad and sister wouldn't want you to do that, he worked hard for that money in order for you to have some security. He business is failing so I'm guessing the bank won't bail her out, their computer apps will deem her a lost cause. Tell your DH that SIL business is none of your business and you have a duty to your father to look after the legacy he left you; you could also tell her that she is being rude, cheeky, entitled and spoilt (I'm guessing she's his younger sister?) and you do not wish for the matter to be brought up again. A business that needs a bail out of £300k..... Would the Dragons or Alan Sugar give her it? Hmm

Tartyflette · 02/10/2016 00:36

In a way I see what your DH means -- my DH and I have agreed that any money coming to either of us by way of inheritance or other windfall is family money - BUT and it's a huge BUT, we both agree on how it is spent and if either one of us is not happy to spend said money on whatever the other one wanted then it wouldn't happen.
And you obviously do not have that kind of agreement anyway, so, ^^^ what everyone else says. YANBU.
(But I love the way people are queuing up to say it's your money, I have seen many occasions on here when a poster says DH has money and I don't, other posters are v.quick to say your DH's money should be family money. I agree, of course, but surely it works both ways? )
But anyway, apart from giving, yes giving, your SIL such a huge sum, if the money is for your kids' future how can he argue with that?

Tohaveandtohold · 02/10/2016 00:37

You are not a bank so how could you give her a loan. Never ever do that. I suggest you go and see a lawyer ASAP and find a way of securing the money for your children. Like you might put it in trust , etc because I smell something funny going on between your DH and SIL

VimFuego101 · 02/10/2016 00:41

YANBU - if she owes that much money, the business doesn't sound feasible anyway.

alltouchedout · 02/10/2016 00:44

'Our' money doesn't mean he gets to decide what to do with it. Surely even if you have joint ownership of an asset you still need both of you to agree to give it away? If the situation was reversed would he really think you were being reasonable in wanting to give the money to a relative?

lalalalyra · 02/10/2016 00:47

Did your husband mention his objection to the money being ring-fenced for your kids before SIL suddenly needed a loan?

Normally I'm very much of the 'family money' thought, but no way would I want to see 300k going away from the family ever. I don't think I'd even sink that kind of money into a business of DH's (if he had one). That's the kind of money banks are for imo.

NotTodayDoris · 02/10/2016 00:57

Inheritance is the only money never considered as family money by divorce courts.

If you use the inheritance as family money then it does become part of the family pot and can be shared equally however if it hasn't been used as family money then the person whose inheritance it is gets to keep it separate from the family finances.

As the OP has already indicated it is not family money as it is solely for her DC's future then her DH has no right to say hoe it is spent and shouldn't be putting pressure on her to give it to SIL.

TBH, you'd have to be pretty hard faced to ask for £300,000K from any individual person (not a financial institution) and the name calling would not help their case either. SIL is probably panicking due to her poor financial position but it is not the responsibility of the OP to resolve the situation.

NotTodayDoris · 02/10/2016 00:59

*how

kerryob · 02/10/2016 01:00

You wouldn't see a penny of it back, 300k loan? That business is already dead & buried.

LadyB49 · 02/10/2016 01:01

I've had an awful thought.... And sorry in advance. It crossed my mind that dh might have suggested to sil that she borrow some of your money for her failing company but that not all of it would go to her. Sil might share it with dh. And failing company perhaps later not in a position to repay.

I feel bad even writing down that thought.

WatchingFromTheWings · 02/10/2016 01:04

Hell no (to the loan!!). Make sure you tie it up well in the kids names so he can't touch it. In the event of divorce it would be joint assets if you kept it in your name.

Though if it were me I'd be tempted to keep a tiny bit for myself for a treat.

I'd also be going NC with SIL in regards to the name calling. And I'd be seriously pissed at 'D'H if he didn't step in and set her straight and put a stop to it.

IceTippedMountains · 02/10/2016 01:09

YANBU, if she needs 300k to save a business then it's a business not worth saving. I may have considered if it was a few grand for some minor cashflow problems but not a chance in hell for 300k.

I've recently inherited a substantial amount of money from my childless aunty and whilst I am happy for it to be used for the whole family (DH included) and have inputs from DH what it should be used for, ultimately I will have the final say. Vice versa if DH inherits.

And yes she has more front than Blackpool asking her SIL for 300k...

bibbetybobbetybooo · 02/10/2016 01:10

Absolutely no way. Do NOT loan her the money. Your DH's comment and attitude are worrying and if I was you, I'd go and see a solicitor ASAP and get that money mainly put into secure, ring fenced, untouchable trust funds for your children. Make sure that if you and DH ever split that he cannot get half of it. It's not 'our' money. It's yours. Your Dad worked bloody hard and it shouldn't go to someone else.

Bogeyface · 02/10/2016 01:14

Lady dont feel bad, that crossed my mind too. Or that the SIL is doing this on her own to try and get cash out of the OP.

A company that owes £300k that hasnt had any input from creditors or the bank? Bullshit.

Oliversmumsarmy · 02/10/2016 01:16

I thought exactly the same ladyb49

I would say buy another property in your name alone and rent it out. Tell dh and sil that the money has gone.

I would be careful and not trust banks etc to make sure only you have access and dh doesn't plunder it.

Whole thing sounds ever so fishy.

Oliversmumsarmy · 02/10/2016 01:18

I wouldn't bother setting up a trust fund for the children because it would give dh more access in the long term to it.

bibbetybobbetybooo · 02/10/2016 01:28

They're not his children though, right? So if you cleverly set up funds for them then he can't have any access or legal right to the money? Obviously I'm not sure but id be making certain that money gets permanently out of their reach.

RedBullBlood · 02/10/2016 01:29

How big and what kind of business does your SIL have? £300k is a hefty amount for even a big company to be owing. I would point SIL in the direction of a good accountancy firm and suggest she discusses the business being put into administration.

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