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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset by SIL's behaviour

303 replies

RedRoosterLondon · 01/10/2016 23:58

I lost my dad six months ago. He wasn't wealthy but he did own a house. As we live in London he put in our (my sister and myself) names to minimise inheritance tax when he died.

Because he had used a good solicitor things and had a simple will went through quickly, so we were able to sell the house a few weeks ago.

My sister in law has asked for a loan for 300k - to rescue her failing business. I refused and have been called every name under the sun, because she knows I have iit.

My husband wants me to help her. AIBU to say no.

OP posts:
LiveLifeWithPassion · 03/10/2016 19:27

Your SIL sounds horrible. What kind of person asks for someone's inheritance then calls them names when they refuse to hand it over?

Definitely protect and hold on to your money.

Katakus · 03/10/2016 19:32

No. Your Dad left that money for you. He would be sad if your SIL lost it all. Absolutely no way. She's insensitive and rude to ask you for the money.

Sparklyglitter · 03/10/2016 19:32

He said what? It's not your money it's shared between you! I think not!! If your Dad had wanted to leave his money to your husband he would have done so! It is very scary your husband is saying this! Put your money somewhere safe where he cannot get his mitts on it! And stand your ground! Make sure he cannot take out a loan on your house to lend it to her or anything else like that, whereby pushing your hand! This is just so awful! I really feel for you!

JuddNelsoninTheBreakfastClub · 03/10/2016 19:34

YANBU. What an absolute nerve she has, I would be more offended that she asked in the first place. I think the words "failing business " is even more of a definite no. Haven't RTFT but just wanted to say do not mix business/money with family, have had issues in my family. Sorry about your dad but he wanted you and your sister to have the money, not your SIL and if she doesn't like it then tough.

supersop60 · 03/10/2016 19:37

YANBU. Do not give it to her. If necessary, let your sister look after the money so your dh can't get any of it.

PalaceResident · 03/10/2016 19:37

This is the first post in ages where I actually feel really angry thinking about your situation OP. Your SiL and sorry, DH are being assholes!!

You are still grieving a very, very recent bereavement and they're putting this extra pressure on you. £300k is a HUGE amount of money to have a cheek to ask for.

Do not give it to her!!

I'm really Angry for you

IWillTalkToYouLater · 03/10/2016 19:37

I'm so sorry about your dad.

Parts of my family have fallen out over a business and far far less money than this. Put a stop your DH thinking this is even an option op, it is NOT REASONABLE for either of them to even think this is up for discussion.

And definitely get advice and get this money bombproof for your DC. Good luck.

Daydream007 · 03/10/2016 19:37

YANBU. The bloody cheek of her calling you names for not lending her 300k! It's her responsibility to sort her failing business out, not yours. You would probably never see that money again. Bang out of order. That's your inheritance, keep hold of it. Let her have her tantrums and don't give in! I cannot stand people who expect wealthier relatives to bail them out of trouble as soon as they sniff the money.

Memoires · 03/10/2016 19:39

300KC????Shock What on earth has she done that her company needs that much to rescue it? It sounds me like you would be throwing good money after bad.

Definitely don't give her a penny.

I get that your dh sees it as 'belonging' to both of you but that means that you both agree on what it's used for, not that he dictates over something you feel strongly about.

Personally, I tend to see inheritance as belonging to the inheritor rather than inheritor+spouse. If the inheritor has a strong desire about how to use the inheritance, I think that if the spouse can't make a persuasive case against, then the inheritor does what they want.

JaniceBattersby · 03/10/2016 19:42

In our house it would be family money. All money is shared. However, a 300k outlay would obviously have to be agreed by both of us. Which it wouldn't. So SIL wouldn't be getting is penny.

Honestly though, how can someone have the actual brass neck to be upset that you've said no to a 300k 'loan'? Entitled much, SIL?

I'm guessing she knew you are in line for the cash, your husband had told her you'd help her and she's been relying on it. The cheeky cow.

Daydream007 · 03/10/2016 19:42

Keep your money somewhere safe where no one can get it. She is poison. Who on earth would put their inheritance into a sinking ship. Your dad left that money for YOU.

Pinklady1982 · 03/10/2016 19:45

No way on earth should you give/lend her the money!! And why on earth would you want to, especially if she has now started calling you nasty names over it. That would certainly make up my mind not too!! It's money your poor dear father worked hard for and left for you to have a good future, and that's all you should be thinking about. If your husband doesn't get that, then I'm sorry but he is being completely unreasonable! I am very sorry for your loss, what a horrible time and situation for you xx

galaxygirl45 · 03/10/2016 19:49

My DH recently inherited a substantial amount of money from his dad - we weren't expecting anything, so it was a total shock. It's been amazing that he's cleared our mortgage with it, we had a holiday and he's also doing some very very overdue home improvements, but it's very much his money not ours.........I've not asked for anything even in jest. Any business £300k in debt is well past saving no matter how well intentioned you'd be loaning it. Walk away and spend it on things your dad intended YOU to have. I'd be ashamed to ask anyone for that amount!!

bimbobaggins · 03/10/2016 20:05

Honestly there really is no end to some people's cheek. I am raging on you behalf. Get your money moved to your own account and FAST.

You don't have a sil problem here you have a do problem if he expects you to give it to her.

MissElizaBennettsBaubles · 03/10/2016 20:07

The old adage applies about never lending money to family that you couldn't afford to lose.
The business could still go tits up anyway, taking your money with it. Don't be guilted into this.

THIS....

YANBU

As other posters have said, make sure your money is in a safe place - ie NOT a joint account. And change your passwords.

Mycraneisfixed · 03/10/2016 20:11

Agree with PP you need to put the money in your sole name immediately.

SabineUndine · 03/10/2016 20:14

I would tie it up tight eg so your OH can't get at it. 300k to save a failing business? Sounds like it's dead in the water already. If it were viable she could borrow elsewhere.

Janus · 03/10/2016 20:18

NO.
I read your opening post and actually gasped. How bloody dare she put you in this position and even if she did have the cheek to ask she should have respected your decision, not gone to your husband and called you every name under the sun. And your husband should absolutely have had your back and respected your decision. It's your money to probably share with your family but only on things you all agree on.
I/we have lent money 3 times in my life. One was a large amount to a neighbour/friend who had a massive cash flow problem with his business but insisted it would be sorted in 2-3 months. But (at the time!) we could afford to lose it if it all went badly, he re-paid in 2 months and bought us wonderful gifts to say thank you too.
The other 2 times was when I was younger and I lent money to friends. One never re-paid me and just disappeared, I really needed the money. The other tried very hard to not repay but I had to keep asking her for it and eventually she found it. Both friendships were lost.
Please, please look after your money and don't be pressed into doing this against your better judgement. She should be utterly ashamed of herself.
I'm so sorry about your loss too Flowers

Isitjustmeorisiteveryoneelse · 03/10/2016 20:20

Why can't she get the 300k loan from a bank? Oh, because her business plan is shit, she's completely no idea how to run a business and no one with an iota of sense would sign the promissory note? Er, no, YANBU.

tempester28 · 03/10/2016 20:30

Dont lend the money you will regret it forever! A business that needs 300k is probably beyond help and if the business goes bankrupt you would never see your money again. I would also go back to your father's solicitor and get the money safeguarded. I would tell you sil that it is tied up/you cannot access it for x number of years - so that it doesn't cause family problems.
Unfortunately now that she has asked it could spell disaster for your mariage unless you deal with it in a sensible way. I think it is always best not to let people what you actually have (or do not have) in the bank.

Good luck!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 03/10/2016 20:32

I work with start up businesses quite often. 300k is a huge amount. Normally they are begging the bank for like 10-50k. I also suspect she has racked up debts.

I would get that money in trust for your children and then tell the vultures that it isn't available any more.

If you feel it desperately necessary to expose her as a fraudster to DH, I would say that I might possibly consider matching what the bank invests. This would be dependent on you attending the business loan meeting at the bank with her. Obviously you would need to see the last 3 years accounts, her business plan and her loan application before you would attend the meeting.

But I'd just lock the money away for DC asap.

I'd also have a good hard think about DH trying to taking his step DCs inheritance from them.

Munchingmummy · 03/10/2016 20:33

Firstly OP - I'm really sorry for your loss.

I was hoping £300k was a typo, but apparently not.

I would never lend that amount of money to a business that was failing. It doesn't sound that you intend to do that, and please don't give any other amount just to keep the peace.

Speaking from personal experience - we lent money to a family member. No where near that much, but I would never do it again!
It seems some people have no issue asking to borrow money, but when it comes to time to repay - that's a different matter!

Now, several years on we did get some money back, but it caused so much grief getting back the little that we did. It caused so much stress for my DH and this extended into the entire family.

I wouldn't get into what the money was for, you just need to say no. If pushed say it's for your children, and suggest she makes an appointment at a bank. Perhaps point out that you would charge X amount interest and a bank may charge lower!

P.S your DH is being a dick! Perhaps suggest if he's so concerned for his sisters business he help her in a more practical way (reviewing accounts, druming up business etc). Lending her money won't actually help her anyway, as she will still have to pay it back. If her business is viable there are more appropriate avenues for her to get the money.

What business is it?

willowcatkin111 · 03/10/2016 20:34

YANBU
Both dh and I have inherited money and altho it went into the joint account it was very much a joint decision or the inheritor on what it was spent on. I disagree with some of what dh used his for but it is his money and it was not massively frivolous just a bit ott so not my place to say anything.
Absolutely agree that 300k on a failing business is money down the drain - does she have any personal assets? Say you'll lend her an amount up to 85% of the equity in her house in return for a charge on the house - bet she pretty soon refuses to put up any of her assets as collateral but hopefully it would show the family who is being unreasonable.
And can I suggest you take her to a business advisor / insolvency expert before she throws any more money into a 'failing' business - you could preface it as 'looking into' the loan so again you can show 'clean hands' to your dh and let an expert tell her not to waste your money.

HormonalHeap · 03/10/2016 20:36

So much good advice on here, but I would simply say "Sorry, that money's for my children and I'm not gambling with it". End of.

Rainbunny · 03/10/2016 20:37

OP I know others have said this but I want to reiterate this because it's very important - this money is your SEPARATE income legally, as an inheritance or from property gifted by a family member is is never considered joint income. If you want to share it with your DH that's your choice but it isn't his right to share in it. If you want it to go to your children etc.. I would speak to a solicitor asap and look into creating trusts etc...

As for your SIL - well I think your bigger problem here is your DH! Your SIL is clearly in trouble and desperate, your DH on the other hand is an idiot for considering it and out of line for pressuring you and even more out of line for assuming that he automatically shares in this money.