Was this my fault, his or both?

[IDontBowlOnShabbos]

OK this might be long and a bit jumbled as I'm really not in a good place right now...

I'm 38 weeks pregnant and have been cramping for a few days. H had agreed earlier on in the pregnancy that he wouldn't drink once I had gone past 37 weeks as I've had sickness on and off throughout the pregnancy and beer is one of the things that sets me off and I didn't want to smell it in labour. Also he doesn't usually have just one or two when he does go out and neither of us wanted him to be drunk when I was in labour.

So today I have been feeling really shit, lots of cramps, haven't been sleeping, really hormonal etc H knows this. H has recently got a new job and arranged to go out for leaving drinks tonight with old work people. He said he wouldn't drink which then changed to wouldnt get drunk and I did trust him when he said this. It got to about 11 and the cramps were getting stronger so I called him to see if he was on his way back and let him know what was going on but his phone was off. I then logged into my Facebook to see if I could message him there or someone he was with to see if he was coming back but he had deleted it. At this point I must admit I felt really let down and upset which might have been hormones. Kept trying to ring and his phone was still off. It got to around 1 in the morning and I did something really petty and put my key in the door so he would have trouble getting in. The main reason was that I didn't want him to just sneak in and pretend that he hadn't got drunk but I also wanted to scare him maybe and have a confrontation which was shit of me.

10 mins later I hear his key in the door so I got up to let him in and he was obviously drunk (red bleary eyes and stunk). I was really pissed off at this point and basically said he was drunk and he'd let me down. He got really angry and said he wasn't . This carried on while I was standing in the doorway then he started to kick the door and pushed me out of the way.

At this point I did feel a bit scared as I hadn't seen him like this before, he was shouting about how his phone had died and he fell asleep on the train home that's why he was so late then kept saying he was drunk then that he wasn't. I said why when he realised his phone had died did he not try to contact me as he knew I was cramping and he kept waving it in my face saying it was dead then kind of threw it at me. I then put the phone in my pocket and said just go to bed then.

At this point he completely freaked out and started screaming at me to give his phone back, how I was an idiot and crazy then he grabbed my legs and started to shake them , got in my face and called me a fucking cunt.

After this I felt like he really had something to hide so I said to go upstairs and sleep it off then in the morning I would take dd to my mums and stay there. At this point he started saying it was he property and he would call the police!! I said fine call the police and tell them that you've come home drunk and had an argument with your heavily pregnant wife I'm sure they'll care so he did but then hung up before he spoke to an operator. He turned his back on me at this point so I quickly went upstairs and said I was going to bed. He followed me up to threaten me with the police again then call me names but I just ignored it at this point.

After a little while I switched his phone on but put it on flight mode and read his texts. I know this was a really crap thing to do but I really felt like he was hiding something as he'd never acted like that before. Anyway there was a WhatsApp message from a really pretty women of a photo. The photo wasn't downloaded but you could kind of see it was just a picture of them in a pub, this was the only message. I looked in his other message folder and there was another message from her but it was just a smiley face. At this point I did feel really jealous and assumed that he had deleted all the previous conversations from her.

I went downstairs, which I shouldn't have done and asked who she was and he started saying well what was in the messages. I lied (again stupid) and said that I would give him a chance to tell me what was going on he just kept asking what I had seen. I ended up telling him that I thought he had deleted all the messages so he said so you don't know anything then. Then said that she had come to his drinks and given him her number and asked him to stay in touch. Looking back this is entirely possible, if it was a guy or a a woman who wasn't as attractive I'm sure I wouldn't have jumped to the same conclusion.

Now I'm sitting downstairs thinking that this is such a mess we've obviously both been stupid tonight but I don't think I can forget or forgive the aggressiveness and complete look of disgust and contempt he had on his face when talking to me. I know that I acted like a complete idiot but I don't think I deserved the reaction I got.

Now I'm having more regular contractions and just waiting till a reasonable time to ring my mum and ask if I can stay there and also if she'll be my birth partner now. I feel so embarrassed and really don't know what to say to anyone.

The obvious difference here being that she is entitled to be slightly more emotional or irrational in her responses to conflict/stress and cannot help it, whereas he clearly could help getting drunk and being an unreliable arse.

Look, this guy was in the wrong way before he got to the front door, then it got a whole lot worse. Did he come home, find a locked door and a stressed emotional partner and think he needed to make amends ? No. He called her a cunt and became violent. I think he was the cunt the moment he decided his night out and need for alcohol trumped the person carrying his child who needed some support and reassurance. The op has even suggested she was to blame by behaving hormonally, even she is minimising his behavior, this guy really doesn't need any more back up. All these other arguments are just deflecting from the point.

Mummernot

You are rather smug in your assertion that the robbery analogy works here.

So my husband, wearing a big fat flashy Rolex is mugged in the street

The police are called. Do they say

a) We'll arrest the person who did this to you

or

b) Weeelllll, you did provoke this person who is hard up/on drugs by wearing an expensive watch so you are equally to blame for his criminal behaviour?

b) doesn't really work, so your analogy doesn't work in the way you suggest, despite your repeating yourself a few times

In fact, if the OP called the police about this assault, they'd do a metaphorical a) (they wouldn't say "Weeell, you did lock him out", so I think that's you being hoist by your own petard

Hi folks. Thanks for the reports of trolling on this thread. We've shown Mummernot the door as it looked as thought she had joined specifically to irritate (on this and other threads).

Idontbowlonshabbos Hope you're ok this morning and have the support you need. Do pop back and tell us when there's exciting baby news!

God this is depressing. The low expectations some posters have for their partners and the father's of their children is really sad. It's one thing going out with your friends when your wife is days away from giving birth, it's another to get paralytically drunk and uncontactable and then being verbally and physically agressive.
OP I hope you're okay today and that your mum is looking after you.

He was entirely to blame. He chose to get drunk in full knowledge of your condition. But he's happy to blame you for it. Nice.

I am also concerned about this "he said so you don't know anything then". That suggests to me that there is something to know and I would pursue that. He's clearly a liar. And a shit.

I think it's simplistic to treat this as a single event; it is actually a series of interelated events.

Should DH have got drunk, no

Should DH have been NC, no

Should the OP have locked him out, no

Should the OP have started shouting, no (well, maybe)

Should DH have pushed her, no

Should OP have demanded his phone, no

Should DH have thrown his phone, no

Etc. etc.

How anybody can hand-on-heart say that the OP was blameless in all of this is beyond me.

She has a very good reason for behaving the way she did, but she still behaved that way.

So like I said, 90% DH is a fucker, 10% OP IBU

idontbowlonshabbos You've had a terrible experience. Please be kind to yourself over the next few days and let your Mum step up with your DD.

This is the helpline number for domestic violence run by Women's Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247. They're available to talk whenever you need it. I know it's been a shock and it is difficult to process right now but your husband did assault you. there will always be support here but a chat with a professional can help enormously.

Hi thanks for the input everyone. Me and dd are both fine.
With regards to me blocking him leaving him no choice but to push past me it wasn't quite like that. I was blocking the door originally then he started kicking it so I stepped out of the way then he pushed me as he was walking past. I don't know if that makes it better or worse!

He doesn't go out every weekend but does a lot more than me, especially at the moment for obvious reasons. The leaving drinks were with a team he left 3 months ago who he is in regular contact with and meets up with when they can. His new team he'll be leaving at the end of the month.

With regards to him cheating I honestly don't really give a shit right now, I wanted to find something on his phone to explain his behaviour as I'd never seen him behave like that before or speak to me so coldly. It was a really crap thing to go down his phone and I wouldn't do it again as I think if I don't trust him it doesn't really matter if I find anything or not. It didn't really feel real at the time what with me being sleep deprived and hormonal and it being really out of character. In hind sight I should have just packed my bags as soon as it kicked off and not looked for an explanation.

I haven't really spoken to him about it as I don't care what he has to say now. I think I just need some time to process what's happened and make plans for what to do next. I love my family more than anything and unfortunately that includes him so it would be really easy to just pretend to forgive him but I don't think I can do that.

Thank you all (bar one) for your advice it has been helpful but I think I need to spend today at least not even thinking about all this shit and just concentrate on the baby and dd then think about what to do next when my head isn't so messed up.

I don't want to say what I'm about to say, because actually the implications of when this does happen are just so absolutely disgusting that it turns the stomach.

But.

Two things.

1. Women who defend men like this and say it's the fault of the woman, she triggered the behaviour have often times learned to recognise what will and won't trigger because they themselves have suffered DV and that it is to be expected to some extent (it's part and parcel) and therefore to these women having their first experience of the bloke going off half cocked, it's a case of 'man up', this is what relationships can often include, why are you surprised

1. That seems to extend to other things as well. These are the types of women who will also say when they find out that a 15 yr old was groped by a man she was in awe of "well, she got in his car" or when their DD says your partner's been abusing me when you're asleep "well you've been encouraging him you're a little slag".

With someone drunk, I've had experiences where I've just tried to ignore. Doesn't always work. If they want an argument with you they will rouse you and have that argument no matter what. How she dealt with him is a side issue. Quite frankly, locking him out completely wouldn't have been a bad idea as it turned out but she didn't do that, she let him in the moment he tried the door. Aside from the influence of the alcohol, he reacted like he did because he knew he was busted, he knew he'd been up to no good, he knew he was being called on being a totally shitty partner to his pregnant wife and he reacted, like a dangerous life size toddler, and thought kicking the door and then manually handling his pregnant wife would act to deflect from all the very very wrong things that he did.

Let's hope that OP who must be in a proper state, is able to step back and see all of this and how very badly it bodes for the future because it's very very difficult to not be drawn back in when there's promises to change and so on. As some others have said, an apology and a promise to change isn't acceptable. He needs to be away from her and DD and if he genuinely wants to mend things, it's Relate and no further action to bring the two parties back together until such times as they've been at that for a good 6 months.

I would also so to OP, bear this in mind. Incidents like this, if they happen again and you end up having to call the police, you will come under the radar of both women's aid (which is clearly great) and the police (which is helpful as they will put you on an immediately respond category), but it could also bring you into contact with social services as well and I'm afraid there view is COMPLETELY black and white - they will not tolerate him around your existing DD or coming child so you would be really on the ball if you were able to deal decisively with this now.

Don't end up looking back, like me, to a relationship which on the whole was great for 3 years then should have ended but went on for another two, and you're 45 and single again wondering what went wrong. Having been through that experience I can tell you, please don't believe any promises he makes and do something about it NOW. You deserve it.

I hope you are OK OP, and at your Mums being looked after!

I'm sorry to say from your OP I don't think things can be innocent with that woman. The extreme reaction to having his phone taken, and the fact that he repeatedly checked what you knew, then said "you don't know anything then" before giving a story, that fit. It all sounds like there is something going on. To be honest though, regardless of that, his behaviour was unforgivable. Whatever you did there really is no excuse for the name calling and physical assaults.

Sometimes as the thread progresses I think people forget the details of the OP.

The OP shouldn't have locked the door, but she got up immediately to let him in. There is absolutely nothing that justifies his behaviour.

I hope you're ok today OP. Do not blame yourself. What level of bad behaviour can be justified in response to someone who has done something wrong? Where does it stop? If he'd been annoyed I would understand, but getting violent and sbusive with someone you love is unacceptable. He needs to stop drinking if it makes him behave the way he did.

Getting violent and abusive with anybody is unacceptable!

FullTime Yummy

So where does any of that get the OP? What should she do?

This is a relationship - one in which the OP now has deep mistrust

Regardless of your philosophical position (and if I were you I'd be feeling a bit stupid by agreeing with a troll), where does that leave this woman?

NotYoda

The OP asked who was in the wrong

As she well knows and a was mentioned by many (other than the troll) they were both in the wrong, although him massively more so

I'm glad to hear she is coping and wish her all the best.

What was your point again?

My point was that nothing you have told her or anyone who has experienced the kind of treatment she's had is remotely helpful and may , in fact, be damaging in a society where some are abused daily for expressing their opinions

It's a bit obtuse to think this OP was a Yes, no question. I know it's in AIBU but...

I would still be calling the police

Fuck this, really

FullTime

I haven't got any more time to argue about this

None of it helps the OP

You are right.

Your using of the OP's life events as a vehicle to allow you to bang a DV drum are not helpful to her right now.

Why not start your own thread?

Op are you having contractions?

I really don't know if they are contractions, with dd my waters went before I had any pain then it was really full on until she was delivered. This time it's more like strong period cramps that come in waves if that makes sense. I've spoken to the midwife to let her know I'm having pains and she's advised me to come in if they get worse/more frequent or if my waters break. I have a routine midwife appointment this afternoon anyway so she said they could check then if I'm dilating.

It sounds like it might be!! :)

Good luck Shabbo regardless of your husbands shitty behaviour last night and this morning, exciting times to come.
Focus on your health and your DD right now. I'm glad you have a supportive mum with you, take your time with your husband and trust your instincts, they're rarely wrong.