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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was this my fault, his or both?

203 replies

IDontBowlOnShabbos · 01/10/2016 05:28

OK this might be long and a bit jumbled as I'm really not in a good place right now...

I'm 38 weeks pregnant and have been cramping for a few days. H had agreed earlier on in the pregnancy that he wouldn't drink once I had gone past 37 weeks as I've had sickness on and off throughout the pregnancy and beer is one of the things that sets me off and I didn't want to smell it in labour. Also he doesn't usually have just one or two when he does go out and neither of us wanted him to be drunk when I was in labour.

So today I have been feeling really shit, lots of cramps, haven't been sleeping, really hormonal etc H knows this. H has recently got a new job and arranged to go out for leaving drinks tonight with old work people. He said he wouldn't drink which then changed to wouldnt get drunk and I did trust him when he said this. It got to about 11 and the cramps were getting stronger so I called him to see if he was on his way back and let him know what was going on but his phone was off. I then logged into my Facebook to see if I could message him there or someone he was with to see if he was coming back but he had deleted it. At this point I must admit I felt really let down and upset which might have been hormones. Kept trying to ring and his phone was still off. It got to around 1 in the morning and I did something really petty and put my key in the door so he would have trouble getting in. The main reason was that I didn't want him to just sneak in and pretend that he hadn't got drunk but I also wanted to scare him maybe and have a confrontation which was shit of me.

10 mins later I hear his key in the door so I got up to let him in and he was obviously drunk (red bleary eyes and stunk). I was really pissed off at this point and basically said he was drunk and he'd let me down. He got really angry and said he wasn't Hmm. This carried on while I was standing in the doorway then he started to kick the door and pushed me out of the way.

At this point I did feel a bit scared as I hadn't seen him like this before, he was shouting about how his phone had died and he fell asleep on the train home that's why he was so late then kept saying he was drunk then that he wasn't. I said why when he realised his phone had died did he not try to contact me as he knew I was cramping and he kept waving it in my face saying it was dead then kind of threw it at me. I then put the phone in my pocket and said just go to bed then.

At this point he completely freaked out and started screaming at me to give his phone back, how I was an idiot and crazy then he grabbed my legs and started to shake them , got in my face and called me a fucking cunt.

After this I felt like he really had something to hide so I said to go upstairs and sleep it off then in the morning I would take dd to my mums and stay there. At this point he started saying it was he property and he would call the police!! I said fine call the police and tell them that you've come home drunk and had an argument with your heavily pregnant wife I'm sure they'll care so he did but then hung up before he spoke to an operator. He turned his back on me at this point so I quickly went upstairs and said I was going to bed. He followed me up to threaten me with the police again then call me names but I just ignored it at this point.

After a little while I switched his phone on but put it on flight mode and read his texts. I know this was a really crap thing to do but I really felt like he was hiding something as he'd never acted like that before. Anyway there was a WhatsApp message from a really pretty women of a photo. The photo wasn't downloaded but you could kind of see it was just a picture of them in a pub, this was the only message. I looked in his other message folder and there was another message from her but it was just a smiley face. At this point I did feel really jealous and assumed that he had deleted all the previous conversations from her.

I went downstairs, which I shouldn't have done and asked who she was and he started saying well what was in the messages. I lied (again stupid) and said that I would give him a chance to tell me what was going on he just kept asking what I had seen. I ended up telling him that I thought he had deleted all the messages so he said so you don't know anything then. Then said that she had come to his drinks and given him her number and asked him to stay in touch. Looking back this is entirely possible, if it was a guy or a a woman who wasn't as attractive I'm sure I wouldn't have jumped to the same conclusion.

Now I'm sitting downstairs thinking that this is such a mess we've obviously both been stupid tonight but I don't think I can forget or forgive the aggressiveness and complete look of disgust and contempt he had on his face when talking to me. I know that I acted like a complete idiot but I don't think I deserved the reaction I got.

Now I'm having more regular contractions and just waiting till a reasonable time to ring my mum and ask if I can stay there and also if she'll be my birth partner now. I feel so embarrassed and really don't know what to say to anyone.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 01/10/2016 08:58

I see a man who selfishly decided to go out on the piss, who couldn't give two fucks about the fact that he was uncontactable, and who was annoyed about being called out on it.

^This.

He was an absolute arse. It's bad enough that he went out drinking but would have been ok if he'd come home sober and at a decent time but to come home drunk and abusive is bang out of order.
I can't actually believe the posts who are saying OP antagonised him so what do you expect!
Er, I expect the father of my unborn child to manage to go out for a drink, manage a train home, come in at a suitable time and bloody be contactable!!!!

For what it's worth, I think there's more to it with the woman on his phone too.

I'm glad you're going to your mum's OP. You weren't in the wrong Flowers

hesterton · 01/10/2016 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSparrowhawk · 01/10/2016 09:00

That's a great get of jail free card isn't it? If your worried, heavily pregnant partner asks you specifically not to get drunk, you can go and do it anyway because when you come home hammered she'll have been trained by her fellow women to just quietly leave you be in case you get 'nasty and out of hand.' Fab news for our sons, not so great for our daughters. Oh well.

CoYoAddict · 01/10/2016 09:00

CoYo - when pregnant I could have any conversation I liked with dh, drunk or sober, confrontational or not. He isn't a violent abuser see, so I could be a normal flawed human being without running the risk of being assaulted.

Op is with an abuser, so she does run the risk of being assaulted, she was last night.

I imagine before last night the OP could have written that post herself. Now she might feel a little differently.

Phalenopsisgirl · 01/10/2016 09:01

Pollyanna and doinitfine - I think you are pretty spot on, the more I think about this the more it makes me uncomfortable and reminds me of past situations that too were just the tip of an iceberg. The Facebook thing is troubling me a bit, he has deleted his account, is that what you meant op? Deleted or blocked you? If my dh blocked me on Facebook i'd take it as a huge red flag. Ime, awol is connected to playing away, I don't think my dh would ever be uncontactable even if I wasn't pregnant, if his phone is dying he'll normally fire me text or call to warn me and let me know who he is with just in case. That's what you do when you love someone and don't want them to worry, the fact he is happy to add to this already stressful time for you speaks volumes. The fact you reacted under this stress and hormone build up is completely excusable, he shouldn't have bitten even if you did 'start'. At 38 weeks your body is prepping for something huge, the chemicals you are producing are going to make you more emotional, therefore you get a complete free pass on this one.

CoYoAddict · 01/10/2016 09:02

Sparrow You are so spectacularly missing the point.

Mummernot · 01/10/2016 09:04

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neonrainbow · 01/10/2016 09:04

So mummernot has spoken shall we all leave the thread? Even though op is a vulnerable woman who had the misfortune of being with an abusive cock of a man?

Feel free to piss off mummernot. All you're trying to do is convince the aforementioned vulnerable woman that she brought this on herself anyway.

Missrubyring · 01/10/2016 09:04

Hope you're doing OK OP.

Shakey15000 · 01/10/2016 09:05

Ye Gads. I'm appalled at those minimising what he did.

OP, hope you're feeling ok and are able to concentrate on your labour. Your DD will be fine with your Mum. Take care Flowers

trafalgargal · 01/10/2016 09:06

So if a pregnant woman stabbed your family member you'd expect the courts to give her a free pass as it was entirely justifiable ? What a ridiculous thing to say.

dalmatianmad · 01/10/2016 09:07

What an awful night you've had, I haven't managed to read right tilll the very end, hope you got to your mums ok.
He sounds truly awful and hopefully he will be really ashamed of his shitty behaviour...

TheSparrowhawk · 01/10/2016 09:08

Do you equate getting angry with someone who has totally let you down with stabbing Trafalgar?

rookiemere · 01/10/2016 09:08

Look even if OP did the wrong thing last night - I'm not saying she did, I'm saying if - any decent man would have been full of remorse for his behaviour the night before. Not looking to split the blame 50/50 with his heavily pregnant DW.

neonrainbow · 01/10/2016 09:10

That's not what happened here though is it trafalgargal? Why don't we all stick to what did happen instead of stupid analogies like being mugged for diamonds, leaving your front door open and pregnant women stabbing people.

Incidentally, would you accept your partner treating you this way then? Just curious. That is to say, throwing things, pushing you, shaking you and swearing at you? You seem very keen to minimise what ops partner did.

Phalenopsisgirl · 01/10/2016 09:10

Who has been stabbed?

SquinkiesRule · 01/10/2016 09:11

Well I hope by now you and your Dd are at your Mums getting a little pampering. He's a dick and he's trying to make it partly your fault by saying you were both at fault. He's at fault he came in drunk and was shoving a heavily pregnant woman. This could have ended very badly for you and the baby. If you had called the Police chances are they would have hauled him off for it, it's down right dangerous.

BlueKarou · 01/10/2016 09:11

There is no way to know whether ignoring her husband'a behaviour would have ended any differently for the OP. He could just as easily have come in drunk and demanded she wake up and pay attention to him whilst he trotted out his cock and ball story about falling asleep on the train. Drunk people are unpredictable and illogical; sometimes confronting them is as bad as ignoring them.

OP, if you're still reading, you must be feeling so overwhelmed right now. I hope you're with your mum, and that all is well with your daughter and your baby. Please do not let this incident slide; if your husband can act like this whilst you're pregnant, you have no guarantee he won't be similarly aggressive after you've had your baby.

For me this would be a very big red flag and enough to make me reconsider my marriage.

Phalenopsisgirl · 01/10/2016 09:13

Pregnant woman becomes emotional and confrontational =same as stabbing? Is that the argument ? Really?

Lilacpink40 · 01/10/2016 09:14

There are some debates going on here to suggest OPs actions were wrong, but all I can see is a heavily pregnant women with a young DD being let down and justly trying to work out what is going on.

My ex would say things were ok, but then regularly make snide comments and pull disgusted faces. After years of manipulation he went on to have affair and left me. I'm very relieved to not be with him now!

OP I agree with those saying trust your instincts - put yourself and DCs first Flowers

Mummernot · 01/10/2016 09:18

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Phalenopsisgirl · 01/10/2016 09:21

I think there is a lot of 'he was drunk so you should have/there is no point trying to argue with/ leave him be until he sobers up, going on which to me misses the point that, he shouldn't have been drunk in the first place, especially if he doesn't handle drink well. I'd question if someone who can't go for a couple of drinks but has to get wasted should drink, ever.

Phalenopsisgirl · 01/10/2016 09:24

I'm wondering also if some of the people here have ever been pregnant? The lack of understanding of the effects of hormones especially right before labour seems to suggest not.

FullTimeYummy · 01/10/2016 09:29

Phaleno, by the same logic you could discredit a lot of reponses by saying that posters must not have had a heavily pregnant partner to deal with, so have no idea of how stressful and upsetting it could be

CoYoAddict · 01/10/2016 09:36

Well actually you could say that heavily PG women might best be left alone and dealt with once they've calmed down, in exactly the same way as the drunk!

Everyone knows that heavily PG and hormonal women are more inclined to emotional outbursts and are temporarily less rational than their non heavily pregnant female counterparts. Grin

I think when dealing with anyone who is not quite in their right mind for whatever reason, it's always sensible to make some allowances for that and either pick your battles, or at least pick the time for your battles.