Was this my fault, his or both?

[IDontBowlOnShabbos]

OK this might be long and a bit jumbled as I'm really not in a good place right now...

I'm 38 weeks pregnant and have been cramping for a few days. H had agreed earlier on in the pregnancy that he wouldn't drink once I had gone past 37 weeks as I've had sickness on and off throughout the pregnancy and beer is one of the things that sets me off and I didn't want to smell it in labour. Also he doesn't usually have just one or two when he does go out and neither of us wanted him to be drunk when I was in labour.

So today I have been feeling really shit, lots of cramps, haven't been sleeping, really hormonal etc H knows this. H has recently got a new job and arranged to go out for leaving drinks tonight with old work people. He said he wouldn't drink which then changed to wouldnt get drunk and I did trust him when he said this. It got to about 11 and the cramps were getting stronger so I called him to see if he was on his way back and let him know what was going on but his phone was off. I then logged into my Facebook to see if I could message him there or someone he was with to see if he was coming back but he had deleted it. At this point I must admit I felt really let down and upset which might have been hormones. Kept trying to ring and his phone was still off. It got to around 1 in the morning and I did something really petty and put my key in the door so he would have trouble getting in. The main reason was that I didn't want him to just sneak in and pretend that he hadn't got drunk but I also wanted to scare him maybe and have a confrontation which was shit of me.

10 mins later I hear his key in the door so I got up to let him in and he was obviously drunk (red bleary eyes and stunk). I was really pissed off at this point and basically said he was drunk and he'd let me down. He got really angry and said he wasn't . This carried on while I was standing in the doorway then he started to kick the door and pushed me out of the way.

At this point I did feel a bit scared as I hadn't seen him like this before, he was shouting about how his phone had died and he fell asleep on the train home that's why he was so late then kept saying he was drunk then that he wasn't. I said why when he realised his phone had died did he not try to contact me as he knew I was cramping and he kept waving it in my face saying it was dead then kind of threw it at me. I then put the phone in my pocket and said just go to bed then.

At this point he completely freaked out and started screaming at me to give his phone back, how I was an idiot and crazy then he grabbed my legs and started to shake them , got in my face and called me a fucking cunt.

After this I felt like he really had something to hide so I said to go upstairs and sleep it off then in the morning I would take dd to my mums and stay there. At this point he started saying it was he property and he would call the police!! I said fine call the police and tell them that you've come home drunk and had an argument with your heavily pregnant wife I'm sure they'll care so he did but then hung up before he spoke to an operator. He turned his back on me at this point so I quickly went upstairs and said I was going to bed. He followed me up to threaten me with the police again then call me names but I just ignored it at this point.

After a little while I switched his phone on but put it on flight mode and read his texts. I know this was a really crap thing to do but I really felt like he was hiding something as he'd never acted like that before. Anyway there was a WhatsApp message from a really pretty women of a photo. The photo wasn't downloaded but you could kind of see it was just a picture of them in a pub, this was the only message. I looked in his other message folder and there was another message from her but it was just a smiley face. At this point I did feel really jealous and assumed that he had deleted all the previous conversations from her.

I went downstairs, which I shouldn't have done and asked who she was and he started saying well what was in the messages. I lied (again stupid) and said that I would give him a chance to tell me what was going on he just kept asking what I had seen. I ended up telling him that I thought he had deleted all the messages so he said so you don't know anything then. Then said that she had come to his drinks and given him her number and asked him to stay in touch. Looking back this is entirely possible, if it was a guy or a a woman who wasn't as attractive I'm sure I wouldn't have jumped to the same conclusion.

Now I'm sitting downstairs thinking that this is such a mess we've obviously both been stupid tonight but I don't think I can forget or forgive the aggressiveness and complete look of disgust and contempt he had on his face when talking to me. I know that I acted like a complete idiot but I don't think I deserved the reaction I got.

Now I'm having more regular contractions and just waiting till a reasonable time to ring my mum and ask if I can stay there and also if she'll be my birth partner now. I feel so embarrassed and really don't know what to say to anyone.

His behaviour is 100% his responsibility. You didn't make him throw things or push you. He chose to do that. He chose to respond physically to your challenging questions.

Can't believe the low standard. I have been with my DH for 25 years. Not once been sworn at, or hit, or pushed.

I am not lucky. This is how I treat him and how I should be treated in return

Like if a woman in a short skirt gets raped, for example...

If he had just argued back you probably wouldn't be leaving him now

Totally agree with Waltermittythesequel

Also there's obviously some controlling going on here with him.
He's obviously forgiven now and they will live happily ever after....

Mummernot

Yes, and you'd call the police because someone stole from you and they'd treat it as a criminal offence, because it was

I don't think your analogy stands up here for what you are trying to argue

I don't think the OP needs to make any amends Mummer. She was completely justified in being angry and upset. He made a promise to her that he wouldn't be too late or get too drunk. He broke that promise. It's annoying when husbands frequently get pissed and fall asleep on trains and their always seem to die at around the same time they were due home, at the best of times, but when you fear you might be about to go into labour it's a particularly shitty and irresponsible thing to allow to happen.

And he did allow it to happen, it wasn't something that inexplicably happened to him that was beyond his control.

Just because she didn't handle it as well as she might in terms of how things then escalated doesn't mean she is equally to blame. She isn't.

I don't think it is victim blaming to acknowledge that inflaming a potentially bad situation with a provocative act isn't always the best course. It's a matter of personal responsibility not victim blaming. I think the OP acknowledges this even if things then escalated far beyond what she expected.

In the OPs situation with a child asleep in the house I'd have left the confrontation til morning but my hormones aren't at 38 week level and if they were I might have just locked him out or greeted him with a frying pan to the head instead !!

You escalated a volatile situation and he was an aggressive bully. I don't care whose f**king fault it was but this behaviour is unacceptable in a house with children.

What would have happened if you were injured? What would have happened if your daughter was awake? What would have happened if your daughter had relayed what was going on between her parents to a third party? If being woken in the night would have scared her, how the hell do you think watching her father grapple with her pregnant mother would have affected her?

You have children OP and the old shit that may have gone on in your relationship before them, doesn't fly anymore. In the heat of the moment neither of you prioritised your children.

You need to accept that this is who he is and the promises he makes about alcohol, are made to end or change the conversation and aren't anything he intends to honour.

If he can't handle his drink and throws/pushes when issues arise, he should take responsibility and choose not drink.

Who goes out drinking to the point of being drunk when wife is having contractions and close to labour?!!!

Hi op. Just wanted to say, for me, this relationship would be over. I know it sounds dramatic, but once your partner lays hands on you in an aggressive way, regardless of the circumstance, you can never be 100% sure he won't do it again.

My dh can be a twat sometimes, he's not perfect and neither is our relationship. He has NEVER called me a name or laid his hands on me in anger. We argue of course, and it can get heated, but there is always a line that we don't cross, because once you do, the trust is gone.

If the person who is supposed to love you the most can hurt you, then it's time to leave.

I think the posters who are siding completely with the OP should try to see it from the other side.

On a rare night out, you made a fairly human error of falling asleep on the train, and then you arrived to having been purposely locked out, shouted at, having your route to bed physically blocked while your partner shouts and wrongfully accuses you of things, you are treated like a child and have your things confiscated (who the fuck does that?) and then are wrongfully accused of cheating.

What exactly was the OP hoping for? Having made the mistakes he made what could he have done that wouldn't have resulted in the ensuing argument. It does sound like the OP was spoiling for a fight and got one.

Let's face it, it he hadn't shouted back at the OP and pushed her out of the way, she'd be apologising to him

He was pissed, her hormones were everywhere neither were acting entirely rationally. There's lots of should haves (starting with he shouldn't have got pissed obviously)

Neither is an excuse but a reason why things escalated so badly.

Confronting anyone - man or woman - about their drinking when they're drunk is very unwise. It ends well. They don't take any of it in, for a start, and they usually get ridiculously angry and defensive. It can even be dangerous.

What experts advise you do in that situation is let the drunk person go to bed and sober up. They'll feel like death the next day, so not a good time for discussion. No. What you do is wait until the day after, when he's had time to really sober up and worry about the vague memories he has of his drunken rampage. Then you sit him down and give it to him with both barrels.

Should say "It never ends well."

He didn't have anything confiscated.

He threw it at her.

He threw something at a heavily pregnant woman.

And, let's not forget while you're busy championing him, she tried to get past him too, but he grabbed her and shook her.

He then followed her to scream yet more abuse at her.

I do see it from the other side.

I see a man who selfishly decided to go out on the piss, who couldn't give two fucks about the fact that he was uncontactable, and who was annoyed about being called out on it.

When you tell someone that her behaviour led to her assault, that is victim blaming. It really is that simple.

This argument became physical and abusive and that was ALL HIM. She didn't put her hands on him once.

I will say again: would you tell a woman who'd been raped that she should have adjusted her behaviour, acted differently, dressed differently, would you tell her she'd done something wrong which led to her being attacked?

If so, I'm done with you. If not, you're a hypocrite.

Oh, and the added bonus of him waking up this morning and saying she was equally to blame!

A decent human being, if we are to believe the drink was to blame, would have been beyond horrified at his actions. But no, his priority was to make sure she knew she was at fault.

So, OP will now know that this could potentially happen every time he goes out. And she'll be scared for herself and most likely her children. And they will adjust their behaviour to suit his drinking.

Later on I'm going to block somebody's path and start shouting at them. If eventually they push me then they're totally in wrong and i did nothing whatsoever to provoke it.

Just make sure that you're pregnant and cramping, and that this person has made himself unavailable, uncontactable and pissed, won't you?