Was this my fault, his or both?

[IDontBowlOnShabbos]

OK this might be long and a bit jumbled as I'm really not in a good place right now...

I'm 38 weeks pregnant and have been cramping for a few days. H had agreed earlier on in the pregnancy that he wouldn't drink once I had gone past 37 weeks as I've had sickness on and off throughout the pregnancy and beer is one of the things that sets me off and I didn't want to smell it in labour. Also he doesn't usually have just one or two when he does go out and neither of us wanted him to be drunk when I was in labour.

So today I have been feeling really shit, lots of cramps, haven't been sleeping, really hormonal etc H knows this. H has recently got a new job and arranged to go out for leaving drinks tonight with old work people. He said he wouldn't drink which then changed to wouldnt get drunk and I did trust him when he said this. It got to about 11 and the cramps were getting stronger so I called him to see if he was on his way back and let him know what was going on but his phone was off. I then logged into my Facebook to see if I could message him there or someone he was with to see if he was coming back but he had deleted it. At this point I must admit I felt really let down and upset which might have been hormones. Kept trying to ring and his phone was still off. It got to around 1 in the morning and I did something really petty and put my key in the door so he would have trouble getting in. The main reason was that I didn't want him to just sneak in and pretend that he hadn't got drunk but I also wanted to scare him maybe and have a confrontation which was shit of me.

10 mins later I hear his key in the door so I got up to let him in and he was obviously drunk (red bleary eyes and stunk). I was really pissed off at this point and basically said he was drunk and he'd let me down. He got really angry and said he wasn't . This carried on while I was standing in the doorway then he started to kick the door and pushed me out of the way.

At this point I did feel a bit scared as I hadn't seen him like this before, he was shouting about how his phone had died and he fell asleep on the train home that's why he was so late then kept saying he was drunk then that he wasn't. I said why when he realised his phone had died did he not try to contact me as he knew I was cramping and he kept waving it in my face saying it was dead then kind of threw it at me. I then put the phone in my pocket and said just go to bed then.

At this point he completely freaked out and started screaming at me to give his phone back, how I was an idiot and crazy then he grabbed my legs and started to shake them , got in my face and called me a fucking cunt.

After this I felt like he really had something to hide so I said to go upstairs and sleep it off then in the morning I would take dd to my mums and stay there. At this point he started saying it was he property and he would call the police!! I said fine call the police and tell them that you've come home drunk and had an argument with your heavily pregnant wife I'm sure they'll care so he did but then hung up before he spoke to an operator. He turned his back on me at this point so I quickly went upstairs and said I was going to bed. He followed me up to threaten me with the police again then call me names but I just ignored it at this point.

After a little while I switched his phone on but put it on flight mode and read his texts. I know this was a really crap thing to do but I really felt like he was hiding something as he'd never acted like that before. Anyway there was a WhatsApp message from a really pretty women of a photo. The photo wasn't downloaded but you could kind of see it was just a picture of them in a pub, this was the only message. I looked in his other message folder and there was another message from her but it was just a smiley face. At this point I did feel really jealous and assumed that he had deleted all the previous conversations from her.

I went downstairs, which I shouldn't have done and asked who she was and he started saying well what was in the messages. I lied (again stupid) and said that I would give him a chance to tell me what was going on he just kept asking what I had seen. I ended up telling him that I thought he had deleted all the messages so he said so you don't know anything then. Then said that she had come to his drinks and given him her number and asked him to stay in touch. Looking back this is entirely possible, if it was a guy or a a woman who wasn't as attractive I'm sure I wouldn't have jumped to the same conclusion.

Now I'm sitting downstairs thinking that this is such a mess we've obviously both been stupid tonight but I don't think I can forget or forgive the aggressiveness and complete look of disgust and contempt he had on his face when talking to me. I know that I acted like a complete idiot but I don't think I deserved the reaction I got.

Now I'm having more regular contractions and just waiting till a reasonable time to ring my mum and ask if I can stay there and also if she'll be my birth partner now. I feel so embarrassed and really don't know what to say to anyone.

He's a shit. There are so many indications of that I don't know where to start.

I hear you. My DH went through a phase of doing that a few years ago, it's pathetic. I have no issue with going out and having a good time occasionally but when grown adults can't seem to behave responsibly and mange to get themselves home still vertical and without having got lost/fallen asleep somewhere/lost something/hurt themselves/had an argument with someone it starts to wear very, very thin indeed.

I think only you can know whether this is something you can or want to come back from, based on exactly how out of character it is, but at the very least he needs to be made to feel that he's completely blown it; missed out on the birth of his child and thrown everything away - for what? For the right to behave like a selfish teenager with no off switch at a time when he knew you were vulnerable and needed to rely on him.

He has let you down massively, not to mention the fact that he got physically aggressive with you. Even if you do decide to continue your marriage he needs to be hauled well and truly over the coals for this, until after your child is born. He needs to be left in no doubt that he so massively crossed a line that he can't ever ever do it again. I'd tell his parents as well so they can read him the riot act too.

I am really disgusted to hear that he would go out and do this when you're in this condition.

And for him to be so selfish and cruel about it too. What an utter bastard.

Glad you have your mum OP.

Good you have told your mum
Stay safe OP

God I don't understand what it is with men. You need support now and your not going to get it from that twonk. Does he do this a lot or is it just a one off? I'd be weary about these pics and what's apps. What an arsehole. I'd go before he gets up, he will sleep late anyways I'd imagine. Your daughter will only see an argument if your emotional/hormonal and he's still pissed or hungover!!

This is not your fault. Not a bit.

But objectively, this may all look worse than it is.

I'm not minimising your feelings or his behaviour, just giving an optimistic viewpoint which may be very useful given the fact that you're about to have a lot in your plate!

My DH promised me he wouldn't drink, that he'd pack his overnight bag, that he'd check the parking and the route, that he'd cancel big meetings and stay close to home and be ready for me to go into labour.

Then he booked a 'crucial' meeting a day before my due date in a totally different part of the country, didn't pack a bag and got a bit too drunk to drive a few days before I was due.

He's a lovely husband and father and really stepped up when the time came. BUT I just don't think it's real for them, impending fatherhood. I think it's really common that they're in denial a bit and so they just won't do the prep you want them to do. It's some weird sort of stubborn coping strategy a lot of men do (my friends have had similar experiences) that helps no one and isn't logical and can make everything worse.

Doesn't mean they won't be great when the unreality turns into a living breathing baby. You know yourself what kind of man he is, you know if he'll sort himself out.

His phone and the police? We've all said things when we are drunk that makes us die with embarrassment. Not cool but normal.

The pretty woman could just be an ex colleague. Do you have any evidence it's more than that? More than just a feeling?

If I were you I'd concentrate on yourself and the baby first, give him chance to sober up and make amends and then if he's suitably contrite, give him another chance. If this is just some dumb pre fatherhood panic it would be such a shame for him to miss out on the birth. It's not like you can do it twice.

Good luck OP

Sorry you have had such a terrible experience OP. Not your fault at all.

He is an aggressive, abusive bully (what kind of person grabs and shakes the legs of a heavily pregnant woman FFS?).

You are doing absolutely the right thing in taking your dd and going to your mums. Please seriously consider your future with this man.

Ignore Mummernot. Clearly a troll.

That fucking bastard. What a piece of shit. You're his wife, the mother of his child and heavily pregnant and he is clearly envisaging cheating on you if he hasn't already, plus he's physically and verbally abusive with you and drunk. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Stay with your mother. You have to draw a line in the sand. Unfortunately - I think you can take this as an indicator of his future behaviour. Regardless of how much he grovels to you and says it won't happen again.

I predict that when he wakes up/comes to he'll claim he has no memory of all his offences...

I don't think it's your fault. If he had listened and taken your feelings into account he wouldn't of gone and got snottered. He is a selfish dickhead. Don't start thinking it's your fault you will back down and agree to be treated like a mug. That's not what you need.

Mummernot seems to have been trolling all night on the boards.

Ignore.

If you still have his phone, push up on the main page of Whatsapp chats and you can see 'Archived' messages. When you 'delete' them, they hide there unless you make the effort to delete them again, from there. Most people don't know this. Might be worth checking.

I'm sorry this happened to you. It's not your fault at all.

Please focus on the upcoming birth of your baby. It's up to your DH to apologise and make things right now. Good luck on your labour!

He threw something at you, and pushed you. While you are heavily pregnant. That is abusive. Let alone all the other bullshit. You should not be afraid of speaking to your husband while drunk for fear he might react this way. This was not your fault.

This is who he is. He won't ever change. If he can't be considerate of you now when you're at one of the most vulnerable times of your life them he won't ever be. Thank God you're escaping to your mum's. It will give you space to think.

Please ignore those posters suggesting you're in any way to blame for this by not treating him correctly when he was drunk.

This is 100% his fault, he shouldn't have gone out and got shit faced when you are heavily pregnant and it sounds like he has form for this kind of crappy behaviour.

I suggest you go to your Mum's where hopefully you can be looked after. Your anxiety must be sky high.

Why do so many women give men a free pass to act like absolute cunts, immature, selfish and stupid? Not you op, pp on here.

If you don't want him at the birth you don't have to. I wouldnt feel safe with him around.

No-one is responsible for someone else's behaviour when they are drunk. This is entirely his fault.

And in what world is the the pushing around of a heavily pregnant woman, throwing things at her, and threatening behaviour acceptable? (Applies to anyone, not just pregnant women)

Sod the texts, your husband was physically and verbally abusive. He sounds awful. I would be packing a bag and asking him to leave.

Everything happens for a reason. I think, OP, you reached the end of your tether and needed to confront your H about his shitty behaviour. Going to your mum's is exactly what you need right now, it will also be a breathing space where you can make decisions about your marriage.

Thanks everyone. We've spoken and he said he thinks we were both to blame but he is sorry for shouting/pushing me. I'm still going to my mums I need some space. I do accept that my behaviour escalated the situation and I did ask on AIBU not relationships so I appreciate the objective opinions. Apart from mummalot who is an obvious dick head so I'll just ignore him/her.
I don't think I can really get over this but I probably need some space now to just calm down and decide what to do. Thanks again for support, dd is up now so I'm going to concentrate on her now.