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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was this my fault, his or both?

203 replies

IDontBowlOnShabbos · 01/10/2016 05:28

OK this might be long and a bit jumbled as I'm really not in a good place right now...

I'm 38 weeks pregnant and have been cramping for a few days. H had agreed earlier on in the pregnancy that he wouldn't drink once I had gone past 37 weeks as I've had sickness on and off throughout the pregnancy and beer is one of the things that sets me off and I didn't want to smell it in labour. Also he doesn't usually have just one or two when he does go out and neither of us wanted him to be drunk when I was in labour.

So today I have been feeling really shit, lots of cramps, haven't been sleeping, really hormonal etc H knows this. H has recently got a new job and arranged to go out for leaving drinks tonight with old work people. He said he wouldn't drink which then changed to wouldnt get drunk and I did trust him when he said this. It got to about 11 and the cramps were getting stronger so I called him to see if he was on his way back and let him know what was going on but his phone was off. I then logged into my Facebook to see if I could message him there or someone he was with to see if he was coming back but he had deleted it. At this point I must admit I felt really let down and upset which might have been hormones. Kept trying to ring and his phone was still off. It got to around 1 in the morning and I did something really petty and put my key in the door so he would have trouble getting in. The main reason was that I didn't want him to just sneak in and pretend that he hadn't got drunk but I also wanted to scare him maybe and have a confrontation which was shit of me.

10 mins later I hear his key in the door so I got up to let him in and he was obviously drunk (red bleary eyes and stunk). I was really pissed off at this point and basically said he was drunk and he'd let me down. He got really angry and said he wasn't Hmm. This carried on while I was standing in the doorway then he started to kick the door and pushed me out of the way.

At this point I did feel a bit scared as I hadn't seen him like this before, he was shouting about how his phone had died and he fell asleep on the train home that's why he was so late then kept saying he was drunk then that he wasn't. I said why when he realised his phone had died did he not try to contact me as he knew I was cramping and he kept waving it in my face saying it was dead then kind of threw it at me. I then put the phone in my pocket and said just go to bed then.

At this point he completely freaked out and started screaming at me to give his phone back, how I was an idiot and crazy then he grabbed my legs and started to shake them , got in my face and called me a fucking cunt.

After this I felt like he really had something to hide so I said to go upstairs and sleep it off then in the morning I would take dd to my mums and stay there. At this point he started saying it was he property and he would call the police!! I said fine call the police and tell them that you've come home drunk and had an argument with your heavily pregnant wife I'm sure they'll care so he did but then hung up before he spoke to an operator. He turned his back on me at this point so I quickly went upstairs and said I was going to bed. He followed me up to threaten me with the police again then call me names but I just ignored it at this point.

After a little while I switched his phone on but put it on flight mode and read his texts. I know this was a really crap thing to do but I really felt like he was hiding something as he'd never acted like that before. Anyway there was a WhatsApp message from a really pretty women of a photo. The photo wasn't downloaded but you could kind of see it was just a picture of them in a pub, this was the only message. I looked in his other message folder and there was another message from her but it was just a smiley face. At this point I did feel really jealous and assumed that he had deleted all the previous conversations from her.

I went downstairs, which I shouldn't have done and asked who she was and he started saying well what was in the messages. I lied (again stupid) and said that I would give him a chance to tell me what was going on he just kept asking what I had seen. I ended up telling him that I thought he had deleted all the messages so he said so you don't know anything then. Then said that she had come to his drinks and given him her number and asked him to stay in touch. Looking back this is entirely possible, if it was a guy or a a woman who wasn't as attractive I'm sure I wouldn't have jumped to the same conclusion.

Now I'm sitting downstairs thinking that this is such a mess we've obviously both been stupid tonight but I don't think I can forget or forgive the aggressiveness and complete look of disgust and contempt he had on his face when talking to me. I know that I acted like a complete idiot but I don't think I deserved the reaction I got.

Now I'm having more regular contractions and just waiting till a reasonable time to ring my mum and ask if I can stay there and also if she'll be my birth partner now. I feel so embarrassed and really don't know what to say to anyone.

OP posts:
Bumptittybump · 01/10/2016 07:44

He has clearly been an irresponsible twat. The explanation about girl sounds plausible but in your stressed hormonal state you are allowed to be sensitive about this. Hopefully in sober light of day he will realise how unacceptable his behaviour was and come grovelling, but it's completely your prerogative whether you want him around you at the moment - concentrate on yourself and trying to relax for the birth. If you'd rather have your mum as birth partner now that's completely up to you. However if you do this response will be very telling. He should stil try to redeem himself and stay sober and contactable in case you change your mind or need him. If he strops and disappears off to go out and get drunk again that would be unforgivable in my book. Now is not the time to be making big decisions about your future together, but he needs a big kick up the bum and to realise that it's down to him to prove he is a responsible adult.

FullTimeYummy · 01/10/2016 07:44

If he really did fall asleep on train, and isn't cheating, then you locking him out when he arrived home probably already pissed off, was never going to go down well.

Maybe he is a massive shit, maybe he just had a couple too many and fell asleep on the train.

You are emotionally off-centre at the moment and perhaps he is finding this difficult, and maybe let his hair down too much. If he isn't normally aggressive, and prone to irrational behaviour (like threatening to call the police on his wife!) then his behaviour points to being stressed, tired, drunk and faced with an hormonal and angry wife and getting it all terribly wrong.

What I'm saying is, you are probably both feeling the pressure a bit, and now is not a good time to make life changing decisions. So you should at least entertain the possibility that he isn't cheating, didn't mean to get so drunk and didn't mean to be late.

He owes you a monumental apology in any case.

I vote 10% your fault for goading /escalating, 90% his fault for being aggressive /an idiot.

Mummernot · 01/10/2016 07:45

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ConvincingLiar · 01/10/2016 07:47

YWBU to seek out an argument with a drunk, abusive man. That was unwise and potentially dangerous. Everything else is on him. There's not enough to say he's cheating on you but the abusive behaviour is not up for debate. I'm not sure there are any apologies/explanations that would make this ok for me.

neonrainbow · 01/10/2016 07:48

I can't believe he is trying to blame you for what happened last night. Basically he is saying it's your fault he assaulted you because you confronted him. What a cock.

trafalgargal · 01/10/2016 07:49

Whilst he was completely out of order I do wonder about your stunt with the front door key, what you hoped to achieve? It clearly wasn't to keep him out as you let him in so was quite provocative and a trigger.

You know he's an arse when he's drunk .

Neither of you come out of this well, you had the moral high ground but it gets a bit shakey if you locked the door to deliberately confront him rather than wait til morning to read him the riot act. You clearly both know how to push each other's buttons and booze and hormones were an explosive combination.

ConvincingLiar · 01/10/2016 07:49

The apology from him very much sounds like sorrynotsorry. Not good enough. Unless you were physically attacking him so he needed to defend himself, there was no excuse for his abusive behaviour.

FullTimeYummy · 01/10/2016 07:53

Trafalgargal, I agree with you exactly.

NotYoda · 01/10/2016 07:53

He is to blame. I don't think he's really sorry. Nothing you did justified what he did. It's worrying that you are wary of him when he's drunk and he continues to drink.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 01/10/2016 07:54

Bloody, bloody hell, some of the victim blaming going on on this thread. He assaulted her, this will not be the last time.

You need to get him out of your life, he is abusive, physically and verbally. Personally I would be reporting him to the police.

Waltermittythesequel · 01/10/2016 07:55

Even if your behaviour escalated the situation, his own behaviour was utterly revolting.

You shouting at him doesn't automatically lead to him pushing you, grabbing and shaking you, and throwing a phone at you.

The fact that he's slept it off now, and hasn't been crushed by his own behaviour is hugely telling, IMO.

Because, even if he was going to blame the alcohol, which is shoddy in itself, he still isn't devastated by what he's done to his heavily pregnant wife?

Prick.

Phalenopsisgirl · 01/10/2016 07:56

You were quite right to put key in the door, if he has form I'd not want him coming into the house either. It just really shit behavior from him. Nothing wrong with going for a few drinks but if he can't go out without getting shit faced he has a problem

trafalgargal · 01/10/2016 07:57

I don't think anyone needs to grovel. In an equal relationship neither should grovel but be able to speak directly and be heard. Acknowledge what could have been done differently and apologise but this MN insistence on grovelling is not healthy.

I agree you need space OP and a chance to talk about where you go from here once you've both had time to reflect and what needs to change for your marriage to move forward rather than fail.

CoYoAddict · 01/10/2016 07:59

Please ignore those posters suggesting you're in any way to blame for this by not treating him correctly when he was drunk.

No-one is responsible for someone else's behaviour when they are drunk. This is entirely his fault.

Of course she is not responsible for his behaviour but she is responsible for her own and while she is not in any way to blame for what he did, there is no doubt that she did things that caused the situation to escalate. She was perfectly entitled to make a fuss, it just wasn't especially sensible to make a fuss there and then, versus leaving it until he was sober.

This is 100% his fault, he shouldn't have gone out and got shit faced when you are heavily pregnant and it sounds like he has form for this kind of crappy behaviour.

Of course it is and no-one is suggesting otherwise.

But having already said she felt scared by his behaviour when he first came home and he pushed past her and kicked the door as she (presumably) blocked it, it wasn't especially sensible to make it known that she was taking his phone and walking off with it, then to confront him about the Whatsapp messages. It could have waited. She could have taken it when he was asleep and confronted him in the morning.

If someone is behaving erratically or aggressively or is in no fit state to have a lucid and rational argument then for your own safety (and frankly just so you don't waste your breath on pointlessly arguing with someone who is too shit faced to give your POV any sensible consideration) it's better to wait until they've calmed down and/or sobered up. It's not victim blaming to suggest that she might have handled it better. Just common sense.

NotYoda · 01/10/2016 07:59

I think it's very dodgy to be talking about the moral high ground in relation to putting the key in the door

I think she might heave been wise for her own protection to not anger him, BUT it does not justify , explain or equal in any way what he did to in the beginning and what he chose to do after he'd got in the house.

What some of you are saying is dangerously close to victim-blaming

Mummernot · 01/10/2016 08:00

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NotYoda · 01/10/2016 08:01

.. and it's beside the point. It's what women hear a lot about provoking. The OP even doubts herself. I don't think it's helpful on this thread

trafalgargal · 01/10/2016 08:01

Had the OP put the key in the door to stop him coming in at all she'd have being entirely justified but she made it clear her motive wasn't to stop him coming in but so he couldn't sneak in and avoiding her confronting him........which is a very different matter. She herself admits it was petty.

SkafaceClaw · 01/10/2016 08:01

Your husbands behaviour is indefensible, but I agree with other posters that have said to see how it goes Today.

My dp is as placid as they come usually but had a track record for getting horrendously drunk - predictably around periods of change or pressure (especially change of job). He would want to let off steam with friends. My issue was similar - if I confronted him when he got home when still drunk (4ish) I would get a torrent of verbal abuse. I would go out in the morning and leave him to it, wondering if this is what I really wanted.

Without fail the embarrassment and shame of his behaviour would be enough for me to see that he really was a little bit lost. I don't think men always have an outlet for explaining how they feel - getting smashed with friends allows them to talk/open up more?

You say you have had 10 good years together. It is difficult but don't write him off completely.

Again I am not condoning any of his prickish behaviour in anyway. He needs to be doing everything in his power to prove that this was a huge mistake. It sounds like he backed himself into a corner and didn't know how to get out - with regard to the police calls.

Hope things improve and all goes smoothly with your new arrival.

NotYoda · 01/10/2016 08:02

I can't believe he is trying to blame you for what happened last night. Basically he is saying it's your fault he assaulted you because you confronted him. What a cock.

I agree with this

TheSparrowhawk · 01/10/2016 08:02

Yes I agree CoYo, women should tiptoe around drunken abusive men in their own home.

NotYoda · 01/10/2016 08:04

trafargal

So what? Really, so what? Petty behaviour = assault?

But it's OK because he was drunk

Optimist3 · 01/10/2016 08:04

It's really awful that he would do this to you when you are at your most vulnerable. Can you ever really trust him again?

Waltermittythesequel · 01/10/2016 08:05

If he had pushed her hard enough to make her fall, she could have been hurt. The baby could have been hurt.

If, when he was leaning over her calling her a cunt, he had stumbled and fallen on her, she could have been hurt. The baby could have been hurt.

You can't live your life on what ifs. But the fact is, this man physically assaulted her last night and that is not ok, whether she left a fucking key in the door or not.

Of course, some posters would have you tiptoe around, never upsetting him again when he's had a drink just in case you antagonise him, OP. And if you choose to do that, that's your business. Just make sure the little ones don't accidentally piss him off, too.

NotYoda · 01/10/2016 08:05

OP

Good luck. I would be thinking about whether I could trust him again, regardless of whether I wanted to.