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Original poster

Was this my fault, his or both?

203 replies

IDontBowlOnShabbos · 01/10/2016 05:28

OK this might be long and a bit jumbled as I'm really not in a good place right now...

I'm 38 weeks pregnant and have been cramping for a few days. H had agreed earlier on in the pregnancy that he wouldn't drink once I had gone past 37 weeks as I've had sickness on and off throughout the pregnancy and beer is one of the things that sets me off and I didn't want to smell it in labour. Also he doesn't usually have just one or two when he does go out and neither of us wanted him to be drunk when I was in labour.

So today I have been feeling really shit, lots of cramps, haven't been sleeping, really hormonal etc H knows this. H has recently got a new job and arranged to go out for leaving drinks tonight with old work people. He said he wouldn't drink which then changed to wouldnt get drunk and I did trust him when he said this. It got to about 11 and the cramps were getting stronger so I called him to see if he was on his way back and let him know what was going on but his phone was off. I then logged into my Facebook to see if I could message him there or someone he was with to see if he was coming back but he had deleted it. At this point I must admit I felt really let down and upset which might have been hormones. Kept trying to ring and his phone was still off. It got to around 1 in the morning and I did something really petty and put my key in the door so he would have trouble getting in. The main reason was that I didn't want him to just sneak in and pretend that he hadn't got drunk but I also wanted to scare him maybe and have a confrontation which was shit of me.

10 mins later I hear his key in the door so I got up to let him in and he was obviously drunk (red bleary eyes and stunk). I was really pissed off at this point and basically said he was drunk and he'd let me down. He got really angry and said he wasn't Hmm. This carried on while I was standing in the doorway then he started to kick the door and pushed me out of the way.

At this point I did feel a bit scared as I hadn't seen him like this before, he was shouting about how his phone had died and he fell asleep on the train home that's why he was so late then kept saying he was drunk then that he wasn't. I said why when he realised his phone had died did he not try to contact me as he knew I was cramping and he kept waving it in my face saying it was dead then kind of threw it at me. I then put the phone in my pocket and said just go to bed then.

At this point he completely freaked out and started screaming at me to give his phone back, how I was an idiot and crazy then he grabbed my legs and started to shake them , got in my face and called me a fucking cunt.

After this I felt like he really had something to hide so I said to go upstairs and sleep it off then in the morning I would take dd to my mums and stay there. At this point he started saying it was he property and he would call the police!! I said fine call the police and tell them that you've come home drunk and had an argument with your heavily pregnant wife I'm sure they'll care so he did but then hung up before he spoke to an operator. He turned his back on me at this point so I quickly went upstairs and said I was going to bed. He followed me up to threaten me with the police again then call me names but I just ignored it at this point.

After a little while I switched his phone on but put it on flight mode and read his texts. I know this was a really crap thing to do but I really felt like he was hiding something as he'd never acted like that before. Anyway there was a WhatsApp message from a really pretty women of a photo. The photo wasn't downloaded but you could kind of see it was just a picture of them in a pub, this was the only message. I looked in his other message folder and there was another message from her but it was just a smiley face. At this point I did feel really jealous and assumed that he had deleted all the previous conversations from her.

I went downstairs, which I shouldn't have done and asked who she was and he started saying well what was in the messages. I lied (again stupid) and said that I would give him a chance to tell me what was going on he just kept asking what I had seen. I ended up telling him that I thought he had deleted all the messages so he said so you don't know anything then. Then said that she had come to his drinks and given him her number and asked him to stay in touch. Looking back this is entirely possible, if it was a guy or a a woman who wasn't as attractive I'm sure I wouldn't have jumped to the same conclusion.

Now I'm sitting downstairs thinking that this is such a mess we've obviously both been stupid tonight but I don't think I can forget or forgive the aggressiveness and complete look of disgust and contempt he had on his face when talking to me. I know that I acted like a complete idiot but I don't think I deserved the reaction I got.

Now I'm having more regular contractions and just waiting till a reasonable time to ring my mum and ask if I can stay there and also if she'll be my birth partner now. I feel so embarrassed and really don't know what to say to anyone.

OP posts:
TheSparrowhawk · 01/10/2016 08:30

FullTime, unless the alcohol accidentally fell down his throat he did not make a mistake, he actively chose not to support his heavily pregnant, contracting partner.

stitchglitched · 01/10/2016 08:30

It wasn't a 'rare night out' though was it? OP says he was out with his friend and two women clubbing last month and didn't come home til 3am.

The victim blaming on this thread is awful, as is trying to post from the point of view of a man who went out, got drunk and made himself uncontactable to his heavily pregnant wife who was having pains, then came home and assaulted her.

NotYoda · 01/10/2016 08:31

FullTime

  1. He decided to get drunk at this time
  2. He's her husband, not a stranger on the street
  3. He not only assaulted her, he called her a cunt. He called his wife a cunt
  4. She is heavily pregnant
NotYoda · 01/10/2016 08:31

As I said, low expectations of behaviour of husbands

I'm out now, OP

I think you know what your instincts tell you.

Waltermittythesequel · 01/10/2016 08:33

Mummernot I'm going to save you some time:

I think you're a troll. If you're not, you're just a dickhead.

So, I'm not engaging with your posts.

You can keep addressing me if you wish, but I won't be responding.

neonrainbow · 01/10/2016 08:33

Waltermittythesequel is spot on.

If someone stole my diamonds id report them to the police. If someone pushed, shook me and threw things at me at 38 weeks pg id call the police. Stupid analogy.

Some women here have really low standards. (Not you op some of these victim blamers) I've seen my dh very drunk quite a few times and he has never ever sworn at me, drunk or sober, let alone gone on an abusive tirade. If you wouldn't accept that behaviour when sober why should you accept it when he's drunk?

Aside from anything else the useless twat shouldn't have even been drunk as he agreed he wouldn't.

AyeAmarok · 01/10/2016 08:35

Where are MNHQ this morning?

AyeAmarok · 01/10/2016 08:36

Actually I see they've picked up the alter-ego. Hopefully they are working through the report list now.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 01/10/2016 08:36

At best he is a shitty drunk
Worst abusive husband, calling you a cunt and leg shaking just gave me the chills, this is not ok.
pregnancy can bring out worst in partners
You need to be brave and strong and I personally would refuse to reconcile without relate counselling. If he really wants you he will agree to do it to get his family back
Xxxxxxxx

Pollyanna9 · 01/10/2016 08:37

I CANNOT believe the women on here siding with the husband because her asking him why hadn't he remained contactable and where had he been (all completely reasonable questions) was apparently the god awful trigger for him going completely and totally mental at her!

Fell asleep on a train - my ASS he fell asleep on the train!!!!! When people lie they make the 'reasons' bigger and more complicated than they need to be. Fact. He's lying.

But whether he was on the train, the bus or walked home, the core issue here is that he's behaving like a spoilt child with regard to having any responsibility for his behaviour and how that affects, negatively, his ability to support a pregnant woman who feels like she's about to pop at any minute. This highlights some very serious personality and responsibility issues which I am sure the OP would fervently wish had not come to light at this highly sensitive time in her life. It's revealing about this pillock that he chooses now to act in this violent and intimidating way - he's not coping with the concept of what's happening and he's taking it out on her. He's immature.

I feel SO sorry for you OP. I too have had stuff like this happen (not when preggers) but there was a lower level event that happened to me when I was pregnant with my first child.

At 17 weeks I had a gush of blood so called the midwife. Lie on the sofa she said, just chill out, get others to do the dinner etc and see how you get on. Obviously at this stage a full on miscarriage was very much the most likely ending. So I'm on the sofa and I say to DH please will you make me something to eat. Cue lots of sighing, huffing and puffing.

I divorced him 9 years ago.

That small event was incredibly revealing (although I didn't realise it at the time). The events you've just experienced OP are absolutely crossroads, relationship-changing events and whilst the timing is absolutely appalling, you really have to think very very very very very carefully how you proceed from this point.

You remember how with domestic violence there's always that first time before it carries on into a punch or a shove? This was the first time and I'm sorry, but there will be other times as well.

You need to sort this out when he's sober and think firstly of YOUR safety and your DD.

FullTimeYummy · 01/10/2016 08:38

Drinking and falling asleep and irresponsble , but hardly domestic abuse.

Locking your partner out is a form of domestic abuse

Shouting is a form of domestic abuse

Pushing is a form of domestic abuse

Controlling behaviour is a form of domestic abuse.

Save pushing, the OP played all of those cards first, she turned it up a notch several times, DH turned it up a notch with the physical abuse.

Neither party is smelling of roses here, but the pushing and shaking allows the OP to be the victim IMO.

DoinItFine · 01/10/2016 08:39

I love all these rules about how to treat an aggressive drunk.

Leave them alone to enjoy their bender and recover from their hang over and then sit them down a few days later, at their convenience, for a nice chat. Hmm

This guy was way in the wrong when he went for a drink while his wife was possibly going into labour. WTF?

He shouldn't have had a drop of drink, never mind get drunk.

No matter how "rare" a night out is, you can't have one when your wife is about to have a baby, unless you are a useless piece of shit.

His decision to organise leaving drinks and go and get drunk at this time is enough to leave him.

Then we get to the fact that he was deliberately uncontactable for hours when his wife was at home thinking her labour might be starting. WTF?

A decent, actual proper father would never have allowed his phone to run out of batteries and stay flat for hours. Getting home, phoning his wife, recharging his phone from a borrowed charger - all things a man worth being married to would hsve done.

Going out and getting drunk and being uncontactable for hours when your wife is about to have a baby and there is another child at home. Who the fuck (other than a shithead with a drink problem) does that?

Before he even got to the door there was plenty to leave him for.

Before he got home and verbally abused and physically assaulted his heavily pregnant wife.

It blows my mind that anyone would think this dangerous, violent, uncaring, irresponsible fucker should be getting kid gloves treatment and time to nurse his hangover because his wife had tge temerity to expect normal trestment from him.

Mummernot · 01/10/2016 08:40

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CoYoAddict · 01/10/2016 08:42

Yes I agree CoYo, women should tiptoe around drunken abusive men in their own home.

Do you think it's perfectly sensible for a heavily pregnant woman to confront and provoke someone drunken and abusive then? Whoever said anything about tiptoeing? I just meant she should have ignored him, fumed quietly to herself and dealt with it later, not she should be meek and cowed about it.

Look, if you are living in a constant state of fear and high tension due to repeated episodes of abuse and violence then there is only ever one sensible thing to do, and that is to leave. Not to tipoe in fear, but neither to goad. And in the meantime, in the moment, do the thing that keeps you safest.

This isn't about women needing to tiptoe around their whole lives for fear of angering abusive men. I don't think it's helpful to anyone to make it sound like it is. Up until last night the OP has said he was not abusive or aggressive. This is a first. Now she knows he has the potential to be physically aggressive and abusive when he's drunk and confronted, it's up to her how she proceeds.

Mummernot · 01/10/2016 08:43

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TheSparrowhawk · 01/10/2016 08:45

So if this was the first time, how was she supposed to know she should have ignored him?

LumpySpacedPrincess · 01/10/2016 08:45

Please call the police op, dv often starts when women are pregnant.

ReggaeShark · 01/10/2016 08:46

He grabbed my legs and started to shake them. Jesus Christ.

Mummernot · 01/10/2016 08:46

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CoYoAddict · 01/10/2016 08:48

I think the posters who are siding completely with the OP should try to see it from the other side.

On a rare night out, you made a fairly human error of falling asleep on the train, and then you arrived to having been purposely locked out, shouted at, having your route to bed physically blocked while your partner shouts and wrongfully accuses you of things, you are treated like a child and have your things confiscated (who the fuck does that?) and then are wrongfully accused of cheating.

Hmm...yes on paper he's been done down a bit there, but let's not forget it's not especially rare for him to go out and get drunk and in view of that and the fact that his wife could give birth any day, he was asked nicely to moderate his drinking, be home at a sensible time and most importantly STAY CONTACTABLE and on all those points he failed. Because he couldn't be bothered to see her situation as more important than his, once the booze started to work its magic. Hmm

LumpySpacedPrincess · 01/10/2016 08:48

CoYo - when pregnant I could have any conversation I liked with dh, drunk or sober, confrontational or not. He isn't a violent abuser see, so I could be a normal flawed human being without running the risk of being assaulted.

Op is with an abuser, so she does run the risk of being assaulted, she was last night.

Jules8432 · 01/10/2016 08:50

it sounds to me like the fact you had to ask him not to drink near the birth of your baby, that there's a problem with alcohol here. plus the fact you feel uneasy being around him drunk isn't a good sign.

Trust your instincts. If you feel something wasn't quite right about the photo with that woman then listen to that.
You know him better then we do so that's for you to keep an eye on x

Sadly sometimes the chances of domestic abuse rise during pregnancy :( no idea why but there's lots of writing on it if you have a google.

I think it's great you have a supportive mum x just look after yourself and your daughter and chat to us on here as it sounds like you need a lot of support right now Smile Flowers xxx

Mummernot · 01/10/2016 08:55

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CoYoAddict · 01/10/2016 08:56

So if this was the first time, how was she supposed to know she should have ignored him?

Because even if she had no previous clue that he might become aggressive, there is zero point in arguing with someone when they are very drunk and you are very sober. They don't listen, they don't understand, they get defensive and talk shit and they don't even remember it clearly in the morning. It's fruitless, frustrating and well known to have the potential to get nasty and out of hand.

As indeed it did.

trafalgargal · 01/10/2016 08:57

I don't think anyone suggested letting a drunk person off the hook and having a cosy chat days later but personal safety aside there is a certain logic to waiting until they are mentally capable of understanding and remembering the richly deserved bollocking they get.