To ground my dd and not let her go to her bf bd party???

[LoveMyRs]

My dd always talk back to me and she always complaining about something it's driving me mad I tried everything.
Was trying to do some homework today and she didn't think its fair and i ask her to behave otherwise and as usual she is like otherwise what? I hate when she does that.
I said do u want to do homework yes or no she said i am not sure
I was so angry and said i am not finishing ur dress for the party tomorrow and u are not going.
Sent her to bed she was sad then she said sorry and she wanted to do her homework but i said thats too late now and i make up my mind.
I feel bad and not sure what to do
If i let her go she will feel that what ever she does i will always put her happiness first and she can go away with anything because i love her so much. On the other hand not letting her go making me feel like a horrible mum.

hey op has already sAid english is not her first language.
I don't think her posts are not hard to read.

Apringle agree! Didn't think the op was being too strict by not wanting her dd to backchat her or looking at her phone when she said no.
Yet She's only nagging her and putting her in front of the tv, have posters missed all the other things the op does for her daughter?

Achingallover lol no i didn't have a phone at 8 either i was old compared to my friends

I feel your pain OP because dc2 has been like this at times.

I found that you need to try loads of different techniques to see which ones is going to work best with your dd.
Talking and explaining is what has been the most efficient with dc2.
And leave him plenty of time to 'choose' when he is going to do stuff.
So I tend to ask, remind him to whatever is planned, so you won't be able to do it at xx time. Then when the last moment to do homework is there, he has no choice but to do it.

Re the phone, I just wouldn't leave the thing where she can get to it full stop. Not just an issue of this time and the party. But it will be a huge temptation and if she is 'very keen' (like dc1 for me), leaving the phone in full view or easy access just leads to excess and unwanted behaviours.
Of course, she is supposed to 'know' that she shouldn't touch it but I find that at that age, they still need loads of 'props' to help them behave iyswim.

It's about more than just the question about homework though isn't it. That was just one example.
I get frustrated with constantly being ignored and rules being bent all the time too, it does feel like a lack of respect and I wouldn't have acted that way with my parents.

That was aimed at PPs who said OP massively overreacted.

Hey apart from the fact that English isn't the OP's first language, she could also have had problems with dyslexia, her writting might be poor, whatever.
Telling her off because it's not easy enough to write is not on TBH.

Especially because the OP is not particularly hard to follow....

IFinished I found the only way is to have strict boundaries and to enforce them all the time.

But to have few boundaries and as much freedom as possible within these limits.

That was aimed at PPs who said OP massively overreacted
She did.

I imagine that it's not about her attitude on this single occasion? It's her attitude in general? My 14 yr old is hideous at the moment- dish out the punishment and follow through , shel learn x an empty threat is more damaging than no threat at all - you back down / she wins x good luck x

Kids do need boundaries- both to push against and to feel safe with knowing where you stand. Boundaries/rules that change with your mood/how busy you are/less convenient etc actually makes kids behaviour worse! I recommend that if you're stressed/cross etc you say "I'm not happy with your behaviour but I need to think about this a bit and suggest you (child) do the same and we'll talk about it in 5 minutes". Then you have time to be less cross/hurt/emotional etc and can formulate a plan without the knee jerk statements we all have made and then regretted. But once pronounced you then shouldn't change the decision. In this case maybe you can talk about the situation and see if there's a negotiation that satisfies you both and saves face too. Your daughter thinking she can behave as she wants without reprimand is cultivating problems for the future, but a "dictatorship" isn't easy to live in either.

I have a mature 8 yr old. She is very strong willed and likes things her way. She does what children do and pushes the boundaries a lot.

If I acted with her the way you seem to be acting with your dd, I think we would probably fight a lot more.

We negotiate, discuss and deal with issues. If she doesn't do what she is asked, I ask her if she wants to do x activity. If she says yes, then I tell her she needs to comply with y. I do this in a calm way and without putting her on the spot and if she gets stroppy about doing as I ask, I give her maybe 15 mins to process and don't expect her to immediately do something NOW.

Your punishments are confusing, the boundaries aren't clear. You are expecting way too much of your dd. If my dd back chats me, I give her "the look", say "oh dear, do you want to do x activity?" If yes, then she'd better change her attitude. That's usually enough. If not, I then warn her one more time and if nothing changes, take away the activity. She knows I follow through. And yes, the last time I took away an activity, I gave her the opportunity to earn it back and she behaved extremely well for a couple of days and her behaviour has been much better since. She knew how lucky she was.

Like a pp poster said, the rules and boundaries are clear. I don't have many of them. But my dd knows what is expected of her. If she isn't allowed something, it is confiscated. She may be mature but in many ways, she's still a little girl. I'm sure you love your dd to bits. It really would be great if you could take some time to see life from her point of view.

People I know at your dds age let their child go on his 2ds for 15 mins a day and he could earn extra time for good behaviour or helping out. I thought that was a great idea. And again a very clear boundary with positive results. Dd isn't into screens so not something I need to do.

Why did you need to get angry? You can just give her the choice calmly (homework and party of no homework and no party) and then calmly get in with other things. As long as you follow through, she will know you mean business. No need for being wound up.

Also do accept apologies and learn to move on. She said sorry which is great. Now as long as she's completed her homework she can still go.

If she doesn't complete her homework she has two natural consequences. No party and secondly getting into trouble at school. If she chooses this option, accept it calmly.

Hello - you have my total sympathy here and the thing that changed my household and my discipline strategy was the parenting course - Strengthening Families, Strengthening Cimmunities. It gave me a support group of friends who wanted the same thing as me without judgement on my parenting or rude comments on what they thought I was doing wrong. Arm yourself now my love because the teenage years are coming 😍🍷

YANBU. You've already said she talks back to you at 9!! If you make a threat of a punishment then you must carry it through. If you backtrack on this she is going to carry on talking to you like that and it's going to get worse. You're the parent. She's not going to be scarred by missing a party. Stick to your guns.

Another one here who thinks you are overreacting and possibly overwhelmed😣sorry, I just think you are way too sweating the small stuff and all over every bit of her behaviour, it must be like living under a microscope for her it all sounds so regimented. I have two DD 19 and 14 and have learned to pick my battles, leave them to face consequences of non homework(this works) She is going to forget/ slip up sometime but the sky won't fall in will it, I feel you need to detach when bad behaviour occurs, day what you need to say once then calmly walk away(taking devices with you😁) DON'T rehash, go on, over think,catastraphize,bring up days later,be firm,fair then let it go,bit like dog training imo x good luck

Agree with everything babycow says. It's all too intense, the child will be always walking on eggshells around the mother. No doubt the op loves her child (most of us do) and wants what's best for her. I always found a more relaxed non confrontational manner will get the best out of kids.

It's all about psychology. A tired child struggling to do homework will respond better to "do your homework, won't take long, then we'll have a nice cosy night watching a film" than "don't you want to do your homework" in an accusatory all set for a fight kind of way.

Don't set the scene for confrontation and then you won't get the back chat if that makes sense.

If i let her go she will feel that what ever she does i will always put her happiness first and she can go away with anything because i love her so much.

You are so over thinking this. And making her feel her BEHAVIOUR good or bad or just plain nine year old being a child will determine your love for her.Its a SEPARATE thing. You SHOULD put her happiness first that is an entirely different thing to discipline and day to day parenting.
Set a few well chosen boundaries,follow through with firm but not hysterical consequences that are clear,concise,doable and you both can come back from , ignore/detach when the whining starts just say "Mums rules sweetie" then draw a line under and forget about it and do something nice/fun together.

If you make a threat of a punishment then you must carry it through
Yes but keep it in proportion to the crime. Sending a child to her room and threatening her that she can't go to a party is ridiculously over the top and out of proportion to what's happened. The Op created the scene by going about things in the wrong way. A child has a voice and what The Op calls backchat would probably be seen by others for what it really is, a tired child having a moan about her homework. I bet there's hardly a child across a the land who doesn't do this.

If the child regularly back chats maybe the op should think of different ways to stop this, rather than threats and punishments. If she parented differently maybe her dd wouldn't back chat.

I hope I don't seem too blunt, I really am trying to help.

I think it's really hard on the heat of the moment not to threaten heavy handed punishments. It sounds like it's all to do with her attitude towards you, and you feeling disrespected. I did a REALLY good patenting course called Hand in Hand Parenting, which really helped with stuff like this. You could look it up.
It's tough, and you sound like you are trying to untangle it and do the right thing. Hope it goes well.

Girls and their mums......

Optimist3,
She got angry because she's being triggered by her daughters behaviour, and she's posting here because she feels as unhappy with her reactions as with her DDS attitude.
It can't be that hard for you to understand, it happens to us all.

She's too young for such a harsh punishment. She can go IF she finishes the homework. But she might be struggling with it. Homework shouldn't take more than twenty minutes per subject at that age. If she's genuinely done that, write as such on it rather than punishing her.

She got angry because she's being triggered by her daughters behaviour
Of course none of us know how things really are but it could be quite possible that her daughters behaviour is caused by the OP. There are a few pointers that tell us this might be so.

Gosh if I let my daughter's behaviour "trigger" me to lose it, feel shit, take it personally etc I wouldn't be able to function😲 DETACH the child from the behaviour, then DETACH yourself from overreacting and see it for what it is, everyday parenting that shouldn't be getting this hard. Nobody , not even your child can trigger you(and I assume this means wind you up) if you choose not to be triggered(wound up)

Thank you for the advice.
Sorry I didn't know my English was that bad.
It has been a lot better these past days as i am trying as much as possible to walk out of the argument instead of feeding it.
We did a chart with some rules and rewards when rules are followed and it seams to work, although we did that few years back and after a week she didn't care anymore, but trying.
As most did get that i was upset about set of things not just the homework but it all builds up at the end of the day

I wouldn't say that she is an unhappy child, but she is definitely grumpy when she doesn't get what she wants.
Let me give you en example.
Last few weeks she was so upset the she didn't get the chance of being a school councillor nor a play ground friend.
She didn't complain at school but was crying and complaining for days at home how miserable she feels.
I set up a meeting with head teacher to let her know that she feels left out. Head teacher took the time to arrange a job for her to help the councillors.
Everyone was happy.
Yesterday because i told her she can't watch tv straight away she need to change her clothes first (the horrible strict mum again) she was complaining that she had a long day at school, maths, english, helping councillors. She is doing too much ....
Before someone jumps on me and say why not let her have a bit of tv to relax then do what ever? Once the tv is on its A battle to put it off and when its on she is jumping about not relaxing. So its not that she is really tired she wants the tv and that is that.
Not to my surprise after she did change and had a snack i told her that she can have her tv time and she was full of energy doing gymnastics while watching.
Thats why i feel that her actions is more drama.

By the way i did ask her if she want to stop helping out the councillors and she said no she loves doing it.
She feels she is entitled to everything she wants and she doesn't like to hear no.