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Original poster

To ground my dd and not let her go to her bf bd party???

164 replies

LoveMyRs · 30/09/2016 23:03

My dd always talk back to me and she always complaining about something it's driving me mad I tried everything.
Was trying to do some homework today and she didn't think its fair and i ask her to behave otherwise and as usual she is like otherwise what? I hate when she does that.
I said do u want to do homework yes or no she said i am not sure
I was so angry and said i am not finishing ur dress for the party tomorrow and u are not going.
Sent her to bed she was sad then she said sorry and she wanted to do her homework but i said thats too late now and i make up my mind.
I feel bad and not sure what to do
If i let her go she will feel that what ever she does i will always put her happiness first and she can go away with anything because i love her so much. On the other hand not letting her go making me feel like a horrible mum.

OP posts:
Mrswinkler · 01/10/2016 08:10

OP just to let you know exactly how frustrated you feel with the backchat and the not doing as you ask. I have the same with my DS. The words 'that's not acceptable' constantly flow from my mouth! One thing which seems to check it is me asking him would he talk to his teacher like that. He's seems to realise then that's he's being out of order and things improve.

With regards to back pedalling on the party ban you've had some good advice. Good luck.

Dozer · 01/10/2016 08:16

Agree with Reality.

Why were you making a friend's party a reward in the first place?

hopetobehappy · 01/10/2016 08:22

Sorry to be blunt but you sound very intense in your parenting. Chill out a bit and don't be always on her case. It sounds like she has to be very careful with her words around you and you pick up on everything she says.

Don't all kids have a moan about their homework, she might be finding it a bit difficult. Kids get tired after a long day at school, give her a bit of slack, she sounds like a normal 9 year old, she's a child not an army recruit.

Chopstick17 · 01/10/2016 09:14

Sounds familiar. Get used to being 'the worst parent EVER!', it means you are doing your job. Do think about making the punishments fit the crime though. Not letting her go to the party seems a bit harsh, maybe no iPad for a day would be better.

Original poster
LoveMyRs · 01/10/2016 09:20

Sparkle sounds exactly like my dd.
Btw to all others she love doing homework and she gets upset if she didn't have the time to and it turn out to be my fault as I didn't tell her to do it. I am always to blame no matter what.
Do your homework.
Will do after x.
30mn later did u do your homework?
No will do in a bit
An hour or so later: Bedtime you need to sleep.
But i need to do my homework Sad
Too late now its time for bed
That's important and its your fault you didn't let me
Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
LoveMyRs · 01/10/2016 09:32

Thanks everyone for the advice.
We had a chat this morning and she did understand why i said what i said we did homework which only took 5mn and she was like that was easy Confused
I gave her a pass to go to the party and exchange it for no screen time and she accepted that.
After half an hour she ask if she can play in the phone for a bit and i said remember to go to the party you need to have no screen time for today and she said ok was so happy I achieved something.
Went to get dressed cone back to find her on stupid phone. AngryAngry
What part of no screen time she didn't get?
I said clearly if you want your screen time you will have to go back to the first punishment and not go to the party
So she knew no screen = party
Screen means no party
She waited that i turned my back and did what she wanted anyway her argument was you should've hide it away.
I didn't want to make another big argument so just said no I shouldn't and you are old enough to control your behaviour.
She is at school now going to the party
I am the miserable one

OP posts:
Chopstick17 · 01/10/2016 09:33

You have to take the phone away, the temptation is too great!

BlancheBlue · 01/10/2016 09:46

How is she at school on Saturday? Does she go to a private school?

Original poster
LoveMyRs · 01/10/2016 09:53

No it's another language school a private one but only Saturday so she goes to English school on weekdays

OP posts:
Frusso · 01/10/2016 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

corythatwas · 01/10/2016 10:31

What all this boils down to, imo, is the need to plan your discipline carefully when dealing with preteens. Think through in advance how you are going to deal with scenarios that are likely to arise. Make sure any punishments do not involve an innocent third party (the birthday girl) or make life too inconvenient for yourself. Think about when you need to punish and when you might be able to manage things in other ways. The more considered you are in your approach, the less likely it is that you will have to climb down and lose authority in her eyes.

hopetobehappy · 01/10/2016 10:31

I gave her a pass to go to the party that sounds very military. I don't think she'd done anything wrong in the first place. Child moans about homework(don't they all) mum aske if she wants to do it, pointless question) child says not sure. Why send her to room and threaten to be not allowed to party. Very unfair and controlling imo.

YelloDraw · 01/10/2016 10:33

Well done OP! You sound like you are about 13. Fantastic example you're setting to your DD.

WinchesterWoman · 01/10/2016 10:36

At your stage I would say to her , I love you sweetie and I don't want you to be unhappy, somethings going wrong between us and it's probably both of us getting on each other s nerves, let's have a good talk about it tomorrow, but go to the party and have a good time, and work it out when we're both feeling a bit better

converseandjeans · 01/10/2016 10:42

I'm not at all surprised she doesn't want to do homework on a Friday - who would??? It sounds hard work if she knows she then has school on a Saturday morning. Probably some relaxing on a Friday would be better for everyone. As others have said it's her homework, so let her take the consequences in school if it's not done & don't get too involved in it. I think homework at that age is a bit ridiculous anyway. They are better off spending time with their friends.

converseandjeans · 01/10/2016 10:44

Try positive rewards - so if she does her h/w she gets some pennies/buttons/marbles in a jar & when she has so many she can get a treat/reward.
It's really harsh to threaten she can't go to her best friends party.

hopetobehappy · 01/10/2016 10:48

Why was she even getting punished in the first place, for having a moan about homework? The whole drama seems to have been caused by the Op.When her DD first said "it's not fair" about the homework, all the Op had to say was something like "yes well it won't take long, everyone has to do it" and walked away. Instead she made a huge issue out of it and backed her dd into a corner. A huge drama was created which could so easily have been avoided.

Researchingamove · 01/10/2016 11:07

My DD's 9th birthday party was a few weeks ago. An hour before it started I got a phone call from a parent to say that her DD wasn't coming due to her poor behaviour and asked for my understanding. However when I told DD one of her friends wasn't coming her face just drained of her smiled she had been wearing all morning. She just said "ok then" but I could tell she was upset. DD took her friend's items that had been set aside for her from the party into school the next day with birthday cake for her so that she could still enjoy some element of it but to be honest I felt like DD had been punished too.

There are lots of other things that can be removed or used for discipline but things like parties and events are very important to children so I think parents believe it will have the most impact with the quickest results. Unfortunately it impacts others too, not just the child in question.

I don't use those kinds of things in discipline, I use chores around the house, reduction of allowance or removal of favourite technology and that's after a calm chat about the offending behaviour. Not forgetting the golden rule that if you remove something you HAVE to give the opportunity for it to be earned back too or else the learning doesn't happen.

DropZoneOne · 01/10/2016 11:22

I have 8.5 year old DD and similar encounters! On the screen time though, if she's watching a vid on YouTube, giving 5 minutes when there's 10 minutes left is why she's asking for more. You wouldn't like a TV programme switched off before the end. We check how long her video has to run before agreeing a stop time, and the buzz around so I can make sure she doesn't start another one!

We get the attitude too, rather than punishment for that though, we explain how she has spoken is unpleasant. DD did point out that we spoke the same way to her - demanding not asking - and we've all had to calm down and think about how we speak to each other.

ScarlettSahara · 01/10/2016 11:40

Hi OP - Firstly most of us get something wrong most of the time. Much of parenting is trial and error. Sometimes when you are caught in the middle it is hard to take a step back.

I found that putting things as a choice seemed to help eg are you planning to do your homework before the party or when you get home? If we are not careful it can sound as though we are constantly on at them.

I used removal of a device for a day or 2 if I had to. I would not threaten with parties or not meeting friends because it punishes the other child & I think socialising is very important. My DD was gutted when her BF's mum used to do this. She would have been looking forward to something for days/weeks to do with this girl only for it to be cancelled at the last minute.

Anyway don't beat yourself up & rest assured it is completely normal- just try and think of ways of coaxing your daughter without locking horns. Reward systems were mentioned above & those can work well - carrot preferable to stick I guess! Grin Flowers

Starlight234 · 01/10/2016 11:53

When I read through your post it seems like nothing is done without a threat. I have a 9 year old DS..About a 18 months ago I realised my DS was not wanting to do anything without a reward. So I had to change my whole parenting technique.He does things because it is expected not because there is some reward at the end of it.

Look for natural consequences... Do you want to do your homework ( pointless question to most children as answer is usually no I would rather.....) Let her know this is the time we have set aside for homework , and you will be explaining to teacher if she isn't getting on with it.

I don't know why your 9 year old has a phone..However it would simply of been removed at that point.

Also the negotiation is bizarre. I would in your position said. I don't think it is fair on your friend what I threatened last night so you are going..

pointythings · 01/10/2016 12:58

If you're going to enforce no screen time, the phone and any other devices need to be removed to somewhere she can't get them.

I think on the backchat you really need to pick your battles. It's annoying when your kids go through a stage when it's constant, but on the other hand if they don't learn to stand up for themselves against authority, they will end up as sheeple, to be walked all over by everyone. It's a very fine line to walk, but sometimes the best thing to do with backchat is to go selectively deaf. If your DD doesn't get a reaction, there's nothing in it for her. As it is, she's pushing your buttons and you are letting her.

Work out in your head what the absolute red lines are and then stand firm on those. Meanwhile also praise her and thank her when she does something nicely - right now it sounds as if all the feedback she is getting from you is negative, so she has learned that do something bad = get a reaction, do something good = nothing happens. That isn't a healthy dynamic.

kali110 · 01/10/2016 13:43

I don't think you should have hidden the phone away!
At that age if my parents told me no tv for a week then i wouldn't have waited for them to leave the room and turn it on.
My parents def would have said no party.
It's the lack of respect.
Half the time if my dad had said no tv for a week he'd still tape my favourite show so i didn't miss it and let me watch tv after 2 days if i'd been good but if i'd turned it on i'd have to go the full week. It's just the respect.
Same with homework.
All being well saying it's her who will be trouble for not doing it, till the op gets a call asking why she's not doing it Hmm
If she can't do the homework then no tv.

SquinkiesRule · 01/10/2016 14:23

Your Dd sounds like my 11 year old. It's a constant battle. Do something nice for them and they still don't do as you ask.
I've tried being nice, tried being ultra strict, tried making deals/bargains. Screens seem to be all she cares about.
So I remove them completely, and she can earn some time with good behavior. She spends time on the phone while standing with her friends at the bus stop, all doing the same thing, and once she's home she tries to carry it on, so I remove it all till all homework is done. Then she can have an hour. I've never had a child with such lack of personal control over themselves, my older kids would put things away when asked, and do work before going on the computer (no smart phones at that time) She's pretty bull headed, I feel for you OP, it's like banging your head on a brick wall, it doesn't work. She needs constant monitoring like a bloody toddler.

AlecTrevelyan006 · 01/10/2016 14:56

This is why 9 year olds shouldn't be given homework - it's a complete waste of time and has a negative impact on children and their parents.

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