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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ground my dd and not let her go to her bf bd party???

164 replies

LoveMyRs · 30/09/2016 23:03

My dd always talk back to me and she always complaining about something it's driving me mad I tried everything.
Was trying to do some homework today and she didn't think its fair and i ask her to behave otherwise and as usual she is like otherwise what? I hate when she does that.
I said do u want to do homework yes or no she said i am not sure
I was so angry and said i am not finishing ur dress for the party tomorrow and u are not going.
Sent her to bed she was sad then she said sorry and she wanted to do her homework but i said thats too late now and i make up my mind.
I feel bad and not sure what to do
If i let her go she will feel that what ever she does i will always put her happiness first and she can go away with anything because i love her so much. On the other hand not letting her go making me feel like a horrible mum.

OP posts:
kali110 · 02/10/2016 00:04

hopepossibly your child is not like the op's.
I think the op's simply at the end of her tether.
I don't think she's controlling either. She does loads for dd to enjoy clearly.
I don't think it's asking for much to tell her daughter no screen time and her dd not to go behind her back anyway, answer back and refuse to do homework.

kali110 · 02/10/2016 00:07

Op i don't think you're mean.
Same rules i had growing up( i'm now in my mid 30's).
I wasn't scared of them, just of the punishment.
I loved my tv Grin

hopetobehappy · 02/10/2016 00:44

I'm just wondering why she's at the end of her tether though. If you set the standard too high you'll be making work for yourself. I brought up 5, I could have so easily got to a point where I made myself at the end of my tether, but I didn't, I wasn't too intense and strict. The op sounds like she's making mountains out of molehills. In a nice way I don't think her daughters the problem, just an ordinary 9 year old.

Blueskyrain · 02/10/2016 15:43

It was that she was upset that she had to leave the party and wanted to live longer. It didn't come across that it had finished, and was home time, more that you wanted her to leave early.

Original poster
LoveMyRs · 02/10/2016 16:16

No party was over long before we left i am friends with the mum and we are always the last to leave when there is a party so even after being last she didn't want to leave

OP posts:
Carla13 · 02/10/2016 17:34

Dont take her to the party! Then next time she will do what you ask he to do! This is why kids don't listen any more because they know they can get all they what no matter what!

impossible · 02/10/2016 17:40

I think you are being too hard on her. If you dont let her go to the party the punishment will last longer than the party because she will miss all the conversations about the fun they had and her friends will also try to imagine why she didn't go - ie gossip!

The only time I've known a child not to be allowed to come to b'day party was when the child deliberately called out the fire brigade for fun! That seems a reasonable punishment but not allowing your 9 year old to go the party because she is a bit tricky seems excessive.

My dcs are teens now and I never liked punishing them so would always offer an alternative when things calmed down. I would tell your dd you were very frustrated and the punishment is probably too much - would she do a small job with you instead (eg wash up/fold clothes, lay table etc). If you do the job together you can chat about the party, dress etc and be kind to her, keep her on your side. It might sound soft but it worked with my dcs in that sort of situation and made us closer as we would talk things through and sort out our differences.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 02/10/2016 17:56

OP, I sympathise with you. I have two sons who are driving me nuts. I have noticed that they'll ask me to do things with the expectation that I'll do it instantly. Get them a drink, turn on the computer, take them to Tesco to buy Pokemon cards etc.
But if I ask them to do something they'll completely ignore me.
The younger one is a model student but constantly whinges, refuses to tidy up and dawdles at home.
I also end up pulling bigger and bigger threats out of the bag to get them to listen to me.
Agree with PP that some of it is about setting expectations. And following through. I have sat in the car and ate a Macdonalds while they cried in the back after not meeting the expected behaviour for their monthly Happy Meal. (Sounds cruel but I was really hungry and they had eaten.)

MrsMcMoo · 02/10/2016 18:01

Please don't stop her going OP. I know you're probably feeling pretty stressed out, but unless you're not describing the situation accurately, your response sounds pretty harsh and arbitrary. Moaning about homework is standard 9 year old behaviour. Be patient and kind instead.

bloodyteenagers · 02/10/2016 18:11

The last few posts are clear reasons why it's always a good idea to rtft. Bit late to say don't take her, yada yada, when the party was yesterday Grin

kali110 · 02/10/2016 18:23

i'm guessing op is at the end of her tether because her dd backchatting her and going behind her back after promising not too.
Think i'd be at the end of my tether, especially combining that with having to making a dress too Grin

Achingallover · 02/10/2016 18:35

Is it normal for an eight yr old to have a phone these days? Flipping heck I must be living on an ark !

Benedikte2 · 02/10/2016 18:39

OP I think you've been given quite a hard time here by some posters. Every family has its own culture re expectations and manners etc and it is no hardship for your DD to abide by these. I can hear your frustration re your DD's disrespect and stubbornness and agree that you need to choose your battles and consequences so you don't get backed into a corner with punishments you feel you don't want to enforce. So maybe sit down with DD and agree on consequences. Every time she says it isn't fair you just parrot that Life isn't Fair and don't get into an argument.
If she asks for 5 minutes more after she's been told she shouldn't ask for more time, then that's 5 minutes off tomorrow's session.
Tell her if she can't be trusted to be grown up enough to not disobey you then the phone etc will be locked away.
Talk about what trust means -- how she trusts you to care for her and keep her safe and you need to be able to trust her to keep her word/not disobey.
Although she's very young she's clearly intelligent enough to talk to sensibly and this may lead to her co-operating with you regarding house rules.
If she's reluctant to do Saturday School homework ask the teacher to talk to DD when it is completed.
I feel people are quick to criticise when parents have few standards and whose children run riot, yet are also highly critical when parents try to appropriately parent under difficult circumstances, as you are.
Good Luck

Cat1984 · 02/10/2016 18:49

I think you're being too hard on her to be honest and you need to learn to pick your battles, she's only a kid and no kid's gonna be perfect and yes they are gonna keep making the same mistakes over and over and it can get frustrating but I wouldn't class not wanting to do homework and wanting longer on the computer as bad behaviour

sarahlouise03 · 02/10/2016 18:54

Your choice of words gave her an option to say no, you asked her if she wanted to do homework, she chose no and you punished her for choosing the wrong option?

GizmoFrisby · 02/10/2016 18:56

Do you do things with her other than nagging at her?? HmmOr do u just sit her infront of the tv/iPad.
Your daughter sounds unhappy. And it sounds like you are way to strict and naggy for a 9yo.
If you are negative towards your child she will only behave negatively towards you. Give her a break.

Lymmmummy · 02/10/2016 19:00

Do agree she should be punished - but would echo other posters who say that the birthday girl will also be punished by this - which isn't fair to her and could cause bad feeling

Can you take something else away from her -,pocket money/use of a tablet/outcud school activity etc

HeyOverHere · 02/10/2016 19:04

OP, with respect, your typing and formatting make it very hard to easily process your posts. Spell out words (mn, u, ur) and insert punctuation, and it'll be much easier for us to advise and support you.

That said, if you do decide to stick to the punishment, consider picking another way to do it. You're punishing her best friend, too, by not letting her go to the party. If it was a big matter like being caught smoking it'd be one thing, but it's just homework. Don't make the other girl miss out on having her best friend there on her birthday.

hopetobehappy · 02/10/2016 19:13

I really can't see what the child did wrong. She's a child, she's had a hard day at school and is probably tired. She's had a little moan about homework, as most kids do for goodness sake.Massive over reaction from the mother, followed by threat of no party.Shock. Are kids not allowed to have a little moan. I'd never have been like that with my kids. Poor child.

Minaktinga · 02/10/2016 19:20

We all get angry and overreact sometimes. Kids drive us nuts. In an ideal world it would t have panned out that way. Maybe if you think she's saying sorry just to get out of trouble you could ask her if she knows why her actions were hurtful. Talk about how her behaviour made you feel and maybe apologise as well if you feel you overreacted. You should probably let her go to the party.

xmb53 · 02/10/2016 19:24

No, YANBU. Some of the comments here are silly - you aren't punishing anyone else except your daughter. But I suggest a compromise of sorts; your daughter has to agree to stick to something related to her behaviour and demonstrate it before the party.

hopetobehappy · 02/10/2016 19:39

Am I missing something here, hasn't the party been and gone?

silky1985 · 02/10/2016 20:34

welcome to the world of having a nine year old lol mine just turned ten and she is still a monster. I am not going to tell you how to raise your child and I don't think anyone really has the right too unless they have a nine year old screaming in there face and being dam awful !
I would recommend you talk to her and explain why you want to take the party away from her and have a more mature conversation with her as they can surprise you. I don't really time my daughters on the computer and tablets I just drag them out to the park when I have a few mins in the day its gets them out and about, chill out a little they are fun at that age

apringle · 02/10/2016 20:45

If it's because she's constantly being rude to you - then I think this is fair and will teach her if there is no respect there will not be social privileges!

Beeziekn33ze · 02/10/2016 20:50

OP I felt disappointed for you when you found DD on her phone. I
Someone said Friday was not the right time for homework - the earlier in the weekend the better, IMHO

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