To ground my dd and not let her go to her bf bd party???

[LoveMyRs]

My dd always talk back to me and she always complaining about something it's driving me mad I tried everything.
Was trying to do some homework today and she didn't think its fair and i ask her to behave otherwise and as usual she is like otherwise what? I hate when she does that.
I said do u want to do homework yes or no she said i am not sure
I was so angry and said i am not finishing ur dress for the party tomorrow and u are not going.
Sent her to bed she was sad then she said sorry and she wanted to do her homework but i said thats too late now and i make up my mind.
I feel bad and not sure what to do
If i let her go she will feel that what ever she does i will always put her happiness first and she can go away with anything because i love her so much. On the other hand not letting her go making me feel like a horrible mum.

I don't see the problem in her asking otherwise what?
Telling someone to do something or otherwise isn't clear. Anyone would ask for clarification.

Not wanting to do homework on a Friday isn't a big deal. She might have been tired.

Screen time. I am lenient because I would be truly fucked off if someone came along and switched it off mid program. And because of this we have mutual respect. I am aware what they watch on tv, and they know this so don't take the piss and quickly change it over 5 minutes before it's time. When on the iPad or a consol in the middle of the game, finish the level and off it goes.

I don't like when she say otherwise what as she think about the punishment and if she doesn't mind it she will continue what she is doing.
Ex: like what?
No tv for tomorrow.
So after tomorrow can I watch?
Yes, i said no for tomorrow.
Ok then

TBH I agree with RealityCheque's sentiments.
The OP has made a complete bodge of the situation.
I think the best way back would be to give her DD the chance to redeem herself tomorrow morning - e.g. Do you want to reconsider doing your homework now? Well, if you get it done properly and quickly, without complaint, then I might reconsider letting you go to the party.

And be prepared for the next time you feel the urge to threaten "otherwise".

OP, I don't think you're BU to want to lay down boundaries and rules. But it might have a more positive result in the long run if you pick your battles and consequences with more consideration.

Its the first time that the threat has anything to do with her friends and her play dates.
But i am being pushed over the edge here.
We argue every day and i feel so pissed off when i hear from her teachers and her friends mums how well behaved she is.
Always want to help always want to tidy up follow golden rules always being so gentle to everyone but me.
At home she is always too tiered to tidy up her own mess her own toys.
She even once told me that she is not cinderella and am not her step mum because i told her to tidy up her room after she had a play date
She complains to me about a teacher or something that happened at school but never complain to a teacher as she is apparently too shy or doesn't want to upset her

Well have clear consequences that are in proportion to the behavior.
Grounding and missing a party for asking otherwise what is a huge over reaction.
Children ask questions. They push to find out what the boundaries are. They want praise and encouragement not threats of do this otherwise.

It sounds mean and disproportionate to me.

Then you need to look at why that would be.
Do they praise her? Of course they do.
Do they encourage her? Probably.
Do they say do this, or otherwise? I very much doubt it.
She likes earning rewards. She likes following rules. So ask yourself what you are doing hats differently other than threats which will never work.

Have to agree with pp. Missing a party seems a really severe punishment for what she did. She was sent to her room. That seems reasonable. Missing the party as well seems very unfair

I think i understand the op. Her dd was being cheeky by saying "otherwise what" atleast that's how it sounds to me.
I certainly would have been punished if i had backchatted my parents.
I do understand that she doesn't want her dd to think that if she simply says sorry she can get away with it.
Yes the op may have overreacted a little, but i can understand why she is annoyed. She is certainly old enough to clear up her own toys and to know if you've told her she's has 5 minutes of screen times left that's it.
Can you let her earn her party back?
Or punish her with no screen time for few days after the party?
Then 5 minutes really means 5 minutes?

We argue every day and i feel so pissed off when i hear from her teachers and her friends mums how well behaved she is.

Welcome to the world of 99% of parents!

Children are often angels at school/friends' houses but little devils at home. I'd rather that than the opposite to be honest even though it drives us mad.

Do you behave the same at home as you do in public or at a friend's house? I know that I don't.

Things aren't going to get easier as she approaches teenage years. I could have smothered both my children when they were teenagers. Bloody horrible time.

You need to be realistic with (age appropriate) boundaries and consequences otherwise you are making a rod for your own back.

She's testing your boundaries and as your punishments get worse so will her behaviour. There's no one punishment to end all bad behaviour, you just need a system that if she does x she knows she'll get specific punishment and if she keeps doing it she knows that things could (potentially) get worse. You need to prepare her.

If you already told her that going to friend's party is dependant on good behaviour & you've clarified what you expect by good behavious and she's still misbehaving then yes. Pull her out. But ring her best friends mum afterwards and offer to pay for anything she might have booked for your daughter.

Kali thank you. Thats what i have in mind will have a chat with her after breakfast.

Crazyname sorry but feel better someone have same issue.
I agree its better at home than outside.
But i was starting to think i am a horrible mum and thats probably why she misbehave.
Talking back mean disrespect in my books
Just finding it hard to teach her that

Thx runninglulu party is at home. Will let her earn it back and will work out something else for her talkback.
It just feel that she tend to be a drama queen about everything.
Even if i told her she is being mean to me she would cry and said i Am upsetting her by saying that and she doesn't like to be mean. "Well don't act mean then arghhhh"
I do remember her doing these things before dd2 1yr but it's getting worse now.

My mother was controlling and always overreacted over stupid stuff like this. OP, she's 9. If you make her miss the party over something so unimportant she will never forget and it will be a constant reminder what a jerk you were. Do you want her to remember having a nice childhood? Or remember having a crazy mother? I think you can tell which I remember. Back off a bit.

Jeez, pick your battles! Your child's homework is just that, your child's. If she doesn't do it she is the one who gets in trouble, not you. And she sounds like she hates to be seen as 'bad' at school... I never help with homework unless asked. I remind and re remind regularly, and leave it. Back chat is met with 'I'm sorry are you talking to me?'

Sorry, OP, but you are way too confrontational.
Nobody "likes" to do homework, but it is something that has to be done, so you need to rephrase your questions/statements in a more positive way and expecting a positive answer.
Taking your example above:
"Shall we try on your party dress so that I can get it finished before/or after you do your homework?"
Or even better, "Let's try on your party dress now, so that I can finish it while you are doing your homework:"
Obviously I do not know your daughter, but my guess is that you would have a) got the result you were aiming for and b) avoided all the stropping (from both parties) if you had engaged your brain a bit.
Your daughter is 9, you need to manage her, not ask her if she would like to do something, which actually isn't negotiable.

Your punishment is unrelated to and out of proportion with the 'crime'. It's a bit of a schoolboy error to ask a child if they want to do something that clearly the real answer is 'no'.
Agree an amount of screen time she is allowed, let her choose how to spend it, give a 5 min warning and turn off the device. If she makes a fuss, she loses some of her time the next day.
Stuff not tidied away in our house goes in a 'Saturday box'. Every Saturday the box is opened for people to reclaim their stuff and put it away, or it gets thrown out. No drama.

OP I have 2 DD and can still remember when they were that age DD1 would have reacted fine if I had said finish your homework now if you want to go to the party tomorrow or now your friend has gone please pick up the toys then we can watch TV before bed. Action and reward with an understanding of what wouldn't happen if she didn't do it was all she needed.

DD2 was completely different and sounds much more like your DD, I'll call her challenging, her reaction to many a request was 'no why should I' and she was never bothered about punishments that much. I didn't want to be the parent who was always shouting and threatening but it was a real test as she could press all the right buttons.

On occasion I have to admit I did lose it completely with her but even that didn't really make a difference. Mostly I just let her get on with it, I provided a time and space for her to do homework with support if she needed it, but if she chose not to do it that wa her choice, if she wanted friends over that was fine but the playroom/bedroom had to be tidy before. Parties were fine and never part of the deal.

She was better when DH was at home and was more cooperative with him, but still had her moments. She was worse when he was working away. The thing that helped was space, I am fortunate to have family nearby so if we were particularly at odds I would break the pattern by sending her to her GP or letting her go out for the day.

She is now nearly 18 and can still be a challenge, but she is an excellent student very capable of studying by herself, with many friends and will help around the house, although still not as much or as willingly as her big sister.

I think you need to chill out.
All kids will try and get more time on the iPad. It doesn't mean she doesn't respect you it's just what kids do! Don't let it stress you out.
She's only 8 I think you seem a bit harsh with your punishments. Same with 'talking back' it doesn't even sound like she's trying to be rude. You asked if she wants to do homework, what answer did you expect? No one wants to do homework.
Maybe instead of threats say if you do your homework now by yourself then you get an extra amount of time on the iPad.
Try to relax. When she says sorry accept the apology. Yeah she'll do it again but that's because she's a child without much sense of life yet. They think emotionally. But you need to keep cool and teach her how to control emotions and get along with people not lose them yourself.

You sound a bit harsh.

Kids no matter their ages, get on our nerves. There is no rule book to parenting .I say you let her go , You've made your point and she is sad.I would go to her and explain why I acted that way, give her a kiss and help her get ready if she needs me. Parents and kids fight, it's nothing to blame yourself over .