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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask, what would you feel about a mum who didn't have custody of her child?

164 replies

callycat1 · 30/09/2016 15:24

So this is what I am considering.

I just really haven't taken to parenting, I always sensed I wouldn't. I'm upset about it, but I feel kind of resigned now after several months.

I broached the subject with DH last night and he was obviously very upset and thinks we can try some other stuff but in my heart of hearts I think I know it's how I feel.

So - leaving DS means leaving DH. Obviously I'd pay for him. Get a full time job somewhere else in the country, start life again.

Is this possible? Will I/he just be left traumatised and upset? Or is it that we all really need a fresh start? Ultimately we all want different things.

I'm talking worst case scenario here but what comes to mind?

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 30/09/2016 15:26

Oh gosh

This is such a hard thing to read. Im sorry to hear that

Why do you think it isn't working?

StarlingMurmuration · 30/09/2016 15:26

I occasionally fantasised about this in the first few months - turns out I had postnatal depression. Is there any chance this could be the case for you? Do you WANT to leave your partner?

Bountybarsyuk · 30/09/2016 15:27

Um, even if you didn't have custody, you would still be a mum and a parent, and that will never stop, even if you move away.

I don't think you are thinking straight, you are thinking of running away which is a very common feeling for new mums, sometimes linked with depression.

phillipp · 30/09/2016 15:27

You are asking if your son and husband will be traumatised if you up and disappear?

Never seeing them again?

Yes they probably will. Your son especially.

There is so much to parenting apart from money.

I don't really know what to say. How old is your child?

DesignedForLife · 30/09/2016 15:28

I think it's worth trying to work things through. My mum recently disclosed to me she nearly left when we were little. My parents had to work through some stuff, and personally I'm glad they did.

How old is your child? I'm guessing pretty young. Could you return to work and put them in childcare and try that?

Goldenhandshake · 30/09/2016 15:28

How old is your DC? My initial thoughts would be you must be under immense stress/pressure or be depressed (or both) and it's probably skewing your thinking. I could be wrong of course, would need a bit more background from you to be honest.

I wouldn't rush into this decision, it will likely be something you will massively regret.

NotTodayDoris · 30/09/2016 15:28

Is your DS a baby/toddler? If so a trip that the GP is a must as it sounds like it could be PND. Often parents can struggle to bond with their child due to the insurmountable amount of changes that take place once a baby is born.

Definitely speak to the GP before making any real plans to leave.

Fourormore · 30/09/2016 15:29

What do you mean by "haven't taken to parenting"? And "several months"?

It took me almost a year to bond with my first child. Until then, I wouldn't have minded if someone had just taken him away. I just felt like a babysitter.

Leaving your DH because you want to leave your son doesn't sound right at all and I'd probably suggest considering some counselling with someone accredited by the BACP or UKCP.

Mamabear14 · 30/09/2016 15:29

Honestly? My mum left me with me stepdad when i was 5, just upped and left. I went to live with her again when I was 12, but we weren't and still aren't close (I'm 30 now) I was pretty much brought up by my Nan who I adore and I have never and will never forgive my mum properly for turning her back for a life which suited her better.
I think as long as you have thought it through be are prepared for that in the worst case, then you need to do what's best for all of you. Would you have contact in the school holidays, or none at all?

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 30/09/2016 15:29

Hi OP. I lurked on your other thread but didn't post. I also felt like this, albeit not as strongly as you do. I also like a PP had PND. I no longer have these feelings now (DD is nearly 2) and I shudder at the thought of what would have happened if I'd acted on them.

I strongly urge you to get assessed for potential PND/ attachment disorders before making any decisions.

Ultimately, I couldn't leave my child. Even if I didn't want them. I do not know if you are pro-choice or not, but for me, the time for a woman to decide she doesn't want the child is pre-birth. Once you've had a baby, I'm not sure it's okay to leave them, esp with an abuser like your H.

Lunar1 · 30/09/2016 15:31

How old is your ds?

Scarydinosaurs · 30/09/2016 15:31

cally I posted on your last thread and in relationships.

Your DP's objection to you returning to work must surely now be overcome? What was his reaction to you saying you wanted to leave? Have you discussed the situation surrounding your DS's conception and why this has contributed to your struggle with motherhood?

Most importantly, have you spoken to your GP about PND?

Montalf · 30/09/2016 15:32

I am wondering how old your DS is? Could it be possible that maybe you are suffering with a post natal depression that is contributing to how you feel and have been feeling?
My daughter was 3 before I was diagnosed with depression that had stemmed from untreated PND because I felt I should just cope and all mum's felt like that and it was 'normal'.
Just a thought because depression does mess with your thoughts and feelings and you don't even realise it sometimes.
Hope everything works out for you.

manyathingyouknow · 30/09/2016 15:33

Oh OP this is awful to read and I really feel for you.

Please don't leave your family. Have you discussed the possibility of depression?

Hugs FlowersSad

BarbarianMum · 30/09/2016 15:35

I would (and do) judge any parent that abandons their child harshly. Abandoning is totally not the same as not being the resident parent though. You can still be a very good non-resident parent.

But if your child is still a baby then please, please go and talk to your GP as it sounds very much like you have post natal depression and are not in a good place to make decisions of such magnitude.

Soubriquet · 30/09/2016 15:36

Ok I've just read some of your other threads and you do sound horribly depressed

I think you need to make that appoitment with your GP

IhatchedaSnorlax · 30/09/2016 15:37

Oh Op, I really feel for you. As other posters have said, please check re PND as my friend felt exactly like you & it was PND & she's much better now & they have had a 2nd child.

Another friend's PND wasn't diagnosed until her twins were nearly 3 years old so even if your son is older, don't rule it out. Good luck. Flowers

Lovewineandchocs · 30/09/2016 15:37

Hi callycat1, I've been following your other threads. You had mentioned on one of them that you couldn't leave your DH as this would mean bringing up your DS alone and you couldn't cope with this. You have also mentioned your DHs behaviour towards you and his response to you returning to work. I think you also said that you have PND? You have such a lot going on at the moment and you are feeling that you haven't bonded with your DS and think he would be better off with your DH. I really think you need to talk to your GP and/or organise counselling. I know you refused counselling before as your DH wouldn't like it. He's bound to see now that it would be a positive step isn't he? Please please reconsider. Until you can treat your PND effectively you won't be able to see things clearly and could end up with huge regrets. What suggestions did your DH make when you spoke to him? Flowers

VenusRising · 30/09/2016 15:37

Have you been to see your GP OP.
It sounds to me like you have post natal depression.

If you supplement your oestrogen levels with bioidentical hormones it might help lift your mood. Have you had a blood test?

Did you feel well when you were pregnant? If you felt well, and now don't it could be that you're very sensitive to progesterone. Your oestrogen levels will be very low after having a baby, and this can trigger a very low mood.

Are you breastfeeding?

Have you anyone to talk with?

Please see your GP as soon as you can. Today if possible.

Wishing you well. Flowers

Soubriquet · 30/09/2016 15:39

I've finished reading that bonding thread

I would judge you actually. I would feel sorry for you, but I would judge too because you are refusing to seek help.

You seem to want to take the easy option of walking away

Mrsemcgregor · 30/09/2016 15:39

You poor thing, what a heart breaking thing you are feeling. I would agree that if your child is still very young it could be PND or regular depression.

Was the baby planned? Were you ever excited about becoming a parent?

RealityCheque · 30/09/2016 15:42

Agree with others re a trip to the GPs and / or a counsellor in the first instance.

You say that your husband talked about trying other things. Would he be able to take a sabbatical at work for say a year (or be willing / able to quit) to be a SAHP to do the lions share of the parenting while you go back to work FT? If possible, this may give you some time to properly evaluate and maybe defer the decision for a year?

Just a thought.

Original poster
callycat1 · 30/09/2016 15:44

Thanks for your answers and for not being harsh.

I think it's possible I am depressed but I don't think it's PND exactly. I think it's more how anyone would feel if they found themselves in a life they don't want.

DS is eight months.

I've put on a shocking amount of weight. I can't sleep (can't blame him he is a good sleeper).

OP posts:
Original poster
callycat1 · 30/09/2016 15:46

I don't think that's fair Sou as I've said we will try other stuff. It's not about walking away more about trying to ensure everyone is ok. That being said I can live with a bit of judgement. I don't know why everyone seems so interested in my threads maybe I should change my name but then people think you're a troll. Can't win.

OP posts:
ladylanky · 30/09/2016 15:46

My (half) sister's mum had no (well once a year) contact with her when she was growing up. And my sister now is not the resident parent of her daughter. I do judge her mum a bit, although I'm sure she had lots of problems and reasons for what she did but she lived close by and didn't see her children at all. That said they (brother and sister) had a mum and dad that loved them - my mum, their step mum, was their mum in all but biology.
I don't judge my sister at all, she's been through a lot and has regular contact with her daughter.
There are lots of reasons mothers aren't with their children , generally it's a dad situation for all concerned. I think as pp say talking to someone about how you feel before doing anything drastic is a really good idea. I hope you find your way soon x