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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask, what would you feel about a mum who didn't have custody of her child?

164 replies

callycat1 · 30/09/2016 15:24

So this is what I am considering.

I just really haven't taken to parenting, I always sensed I wouldn't. I'm upset about it, but I feel kind of resigned now after several months.

I broached the subject with DH last night and he was obviously very upset and thinks we can try some other stuff but in my heart of hearts I think I know it's how I feel.

So - leaving DS means leaving DH. Obviously I'd pay for him. Get a full time job somewhere else in the country, start life again.

Is this possible? Will I/he just be left traumatised and upset? Or is it that we all really need a fresh start? Ultimately we all want different things.

I'm talking worst case scenario here but what comes to mind?

OP posts:
woowoowoo · 30/09/2016 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chopchopchop · 30/09/2016 17:16

PND sometimes isn't just a 'thing' that happens.

If you had a really difficult childhood, then having a baby yourself can bring up all kinds of memories, often from a time when you didn't even have words to express how awful you felt.

These can be massively traumatic and destabilising - I know because it happened to me - and it happened even though I'd had a lot of counselling before I had a baby. It felt far worse than depression to me, more like I was losing my mind.

If there is any way you can see a counsellor or even a therapist, please do try. Many have very cheap sessions for those on low incomes (again, have been there, have been very grateful for the help).

(FWIW I was also shit at playing with DD until she got a lot older; she seems to be OK now. Mostly babies just want you to be there.)

Groovee · 30/09/2016 17:17

I've known a few cases where dads have the resident custody with mum having contact. It works for them and I've never judged them for it. But I do urge you to seek help X

Charley50 · 30/09/2016 17:18

Cally - this is a stage and will pass. You need to get help. My dad was undiagnosed mentally ill and abusive and it had a big impact on me and my siblings and it has impacted on my parenting. Get help. You're not alone. As a child of someone with a mental illness, charities such as rethink might also offer Counselling. But go to GP or HV first and just ask for help. First step.

JinkxMonsoon · 30/09/2016 17:19

Ok, I'll be blunt.

If you abandon your son you will fuck him up for life.

You may feel like the situation you're in is insurmountable. That it can't be fixed. That YOU can't be fixed. You don't love your son and you never will and that's that. I get it. I had PND too and it completely altered me as a person. Depression poisons your thinking and that's what all your posts read like.

The fact that you're considering such an awful thing only proves exactly how depressed you are. I know you feel like you're being rational. You are not.

You need to trust the opinions of everyone on here and seek help.

paddypants13 · 30/09/2016 17:19

Cally, it sounds very much like you have pnd. This was one of the symptoms I showed. Thinking I was a useless mum, I couldn't do anything right and everyone would be better off without me.

Please visit your GP and be completely honest. Flowers

Gazelda · 30/09/2016 17:19

Cally there's a lot of us here who want to listen to you. To give you the space to rant, 'brain-dump' or just mull things over without reaching a decision. Talk here as much as you like. Please don't leave somewhere you've previously felt comfortable being honest and open.

gillybeanz · 30/09/2016 17:22

I don't think the OP is purposely not listening, I'm sure her feelings are that ingrained that she needs counselling.

OP, you can't see it but everyone is right. You owe it to both you and your child to sort this out.
As I said before, you need help.
Please at least try even if you are convinced it's a foregone conclusion.

BungoWomble · 30/09/2016 17:22

I second Gazelda

paddypants13 · 30/09/2016 17:24

Cally - The physical symptoms are probably another sign of pnd.

What you are describing is almost exactly what happened to me. Please go to your GP.

Tanith · 30/09/2016 17:26

Cally, please stay on this one and don't go. I replied to one of your earlier threads and I'm more convinced than ever that you're not well.
I think I read that you're a teacher? Did you know that your profession is high risk for PND? When I went for group counselling for PND, the first thing the counsellor asked was what we did if we worked. I was shocked to hear: Teacher, Teacher, Childminder, Nursery Teacher, Teacher... all of us worked with young children.

Baby steps, my lovely. Concentrate on one step at a time and just go to the GP or call your Health Visitor if you'd rather. Make an appointment to see them and go. Once you're on the road to being well, you'll be able to see so much more clearly.

My sister walked out and left her DD when she had severe PND. It took a lot of counselling and medical help but she did return to bring up her DD and the bond was made. Please don't let it get to that stage. Go to your GP: he's probably expecting you.

Wdigin2this · 30/09/2016 17:27

Cally if you're still reading this post, please see a sympathetic female doctor.
I suffered from menopausal depression, that was crippling, but dismissed by male docs, I then saw a female locum GP, who prescribed a mild anti-depressant, which also has hormone balancing qualities, my life is back to normal!
I didn't want to be taking any tablets either, but omg, am I glad I did!

youarenotkiddingme · 30/09/2016 17:30

Oh cally please don't nc and disappear. You are obviously really struggling ATM and you can read the supportive posts for help.

I understand exactly what you mean by the physical pain and anger reactions to being hit and having hair pulled. I can also understand the reaction to noise.
Have you ever looked into sensory stuff? It's when your body processing inout to the senses differently. I find when I'm stressed I cannot process sensory stuff well. Things that can help are using weighted stuff on your body like a heavy lap tray etc.

I think home start was a great suggestion made up thread. Someone can come in and help and support you.

SpanishLady · 30/09/2016 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PacificDogwod · 30/09/2016 17:37

You are not annoying people.

You perceiving that you are annoying anybody is part of how distorted your thinking is just now.

Come back here or don't if it's not helpful to you.
But please seek RL help.
Thanks

Allfednonedead · 30/09/2016 17:40

When I am depressed, the hardest thing is that I don't really want to get better. The thought of being better is awful, because it would mean having to carry on and that would be too exhausting and awful.
Luckily I had an amazing peri-natal psychiatrist who has helped me get myself to a point where even if it were to get that bad again, I'll be able to hold onto the knowledge that actually that's not what being better is like.
Now, instead of focusing on what it would be like to feel better, I go through the motions.
For me, it helps that I have children and owe it to them not to kill myself.
But that's an abstract rule in my head when I'm depressed, not something I actually believe (at that point).
Like a pp, I'm now on venlafaxine, an SNRI - not SSRI - and it works. If I feel the edge has gone from my emotions, I cut the dose slightly, because that's a sign of over-medication.
I'm thinking of you and holding you in the light.

MammouthTask · 30/09/2016 17:45

You are not annoying anyone at all.
Please carrying on posting and forget people like SpanishLady who clearly haven't read the thread and don't seem to have one once of compassion in them.

Vandree · 30/09/2016 17:51

Cally, I don't post a lot but I have read a few of your threads and honestly pet I could cry for you. That sounds drippy but its because I can see me in all your posts and I could cry for me too, or well the old me. You cant see it right now but everyone on this thread has yours and your babies best interests at heart and they are right. I wanted out, I wanted to run away because I was a useless mum and a useless wife, sometimes a useless person. My whole world was through a foggy lens and there are more than a few dents in the walls upstairs and I still feel sick about the time I shook the cot so hard it was up on 2 legs with dd in it. I remember screaming at her "what do you want from me" I screamed "what do you want now". She was only 11 months old. I debated to myself very calmly that I could easily park the buggy on the path and walk under a bus. It actually took me 2 years to admit to anyone how bad my thinking was. I just couldn't make the words go past my throat. I felt detached and removed from everything and went through the motions. But my childhood was great and my mam started noticing that I wasn't coping. The thing is depression isn't just an illness, your thoughts and feelings are very very valid, depression just makes it less easy to deal with them.

For you, not your son or your dh, for yourself you need to go talk to someone. Whether its your public healthy nurse, your gp or a new one or a friend. If the other tablets didn't work try new ones. You are just trying to get yourself to a level where you can deal with the feelings you have. Bonding with your son will come, i promise. He is little and wont remember anything.

Regarding would I judge you? Knowing how you are feeling now, no. But I would feel sorry for all of you. My cousin walked out on her dd and dh when the child was 6 months old. After a year she came back, she had PND. They are very happy as a family now. My SIL is bipolar, she really struggled to get back on her medication after she had her dd. For years it was a dark time. She actually left my brother because he wasn't good for her mental health and just focused on her and her child. A more well adjusted pleasant child you couldn't meet. Another SIL has had depression for as long as I have known her and its taken until recently to get a hold on it and come off her medication. It turns out her thyroid was underactive. My cousin couldn't leave her bed or breathe for months after having her 2 children, my aunt brought her to the doctor and they found out her thyroid levels where through the floor, she was hospitalised to get her levels back to normal. I don't judge any of them. What you are feeling is a lot more common than you realise. Please go talk to someone, for you.

SarcasmMode · 30/09/2016 17:52

I think OPs issue is her son thinking of her the same way she felt about her mother.

But the difference is cally you are aware where things are going wrong so you can change them.

But yes if DS lived with his Dad is think that was OK but I would judge you for not visiting him and giving financial support.

Foldeemort · 30/09/2016 17:54

Hello Cally. I'm someone else who didn't get a good Mum and my god, it does mess you up doesn't it? I couldn't honestly say I love mine either now. Being a parent shows up all the extra ways ours didn't do well, and can dig up whole new worlds of pain because we'd never treat someone that way, so why did they?

I don't blame you for being worried about repeating her mistakes - but here's the thing, you are not her. Your son is not you. He has an amazing chance you never got - a Mum who knows she's got issues, but she can get help and can love him. But you're the one who has to fight past this stage.

Don't you think you'd love your mum more if she'd admitted she had a problem and sought help? I think that about mine sometimes.

"I think my GP feels I am attention seeking. Last time I went he was a bit weird."

The thing is, GPs aren't perfect, they have "off" days where they're ill or bad tempered or they've just had a vicious fight with their own mum or something. You never know what kind of appointment they've just been through before yours. And of course some of them are just arseholes (like you get in any other kind of job). But I bet if you told them what you've told us, they'd want to help, and have ways to do so. Flowers

Lighthouseturquoise · 30/09/2016 17:56

Callycat I wanted to post more earlier but had to go out.

If it helps I can relate to a lot of what you say.

Difficult childhood and non existent relationship with parents

Not knowing what normal is

Getting rage when the kids hurt you, mine have a habit of head butting me

Finding playing with them boring and not really knowing what to do

Being super sensitive to noise

I'm not going to try and diagnose you but I think it's worth at least considering you may have pnd.

I've found that parenting has ups and downs and different stages. You may find parenting a school age child completely different.

MrsLupo · 30/09/2016 17:58

Your reactions MAY be totally normal healthy reactions to losing a life you enjoyed and having this huge burden placed on you. On the flip side, maybe you are reacting in a somewhat abnormal way to the changes in your life.

I agree with this. There are lots of respects in which our culture's way of 'doing' childbirth and parenthood fails to support new parents, especially mothers, very badly. You spend 9 months going through what is for many a complete physical ordeal, and - the first time, at least - you talk glibly about 'getting your old body back', and others, who often should know better, talk in terms of 'getting back to normal'. And the whole time, you're being checked out regularly by a midwife, plus/minus other HCPs, who make you feel special and cared for, and people are congratulating you and offering you their seat on the bus, etc etc. And then, finally, this baby is born, and following a brief period of home visits, the door closes on the midwife and the health visitor, your DH goes back to work after a few days off to help, and you're left with a baby you may or may not have got to grips with caring for and a body that will never be the same again. In lots of respects, I think PND is a completely sane response to an utterly mad way of inducting new mums into parenthood. Other cultures do much better.

I remember this happening to me so well. After DS1 was born, I remember sitting in the bath one Saturday afternoon, and suddenly realising my old body, the one I had so been looking forward to getting back, was gone for good. What was also gone for good was the baby I had imagined I was carrying. That 'dream' baby I had spent 9 months imagining and looking forward to meeting was gone for good, and what had replaced him was a real-life version that was a hell of a lot noisier, less inclined to sleep and putting me through hell in my determination to breastfeed. He looked wrong, felt wrong in my arms, and also had apparently brought my life as I knew or imagined it to a screeching halt. I can look back now and tell you that that is what I sat in the bath and cried about, but at the time all I could think of was running away. When DP asked me to explain, I begged him to consider putting the baby up for adoption, so we could 'get back to normal' (as if we ever would have). Normal, in my mind, manifested as being able to drink coffee in an unhurried way in a European city (!?). All of this is not such abnormal 'help, I've had a baby' stuff, but actually was not entirely normal either, and thanks to the lack of help I received, culminated nearly a year later in DP having to stop me from walking out into traffic 'because everybody would be better off without me'.

So please, OP, get some help. What you are feeling is partly valid feelings of unhappiness that need working through, but almost certainly partly illness too. Please don't let things get to the stage where your DH and DS are having to cope without you.

insan1tyscartching · 30/09/2016 18:16

Cally my own mum died when I was a child, me, my brothers and sisters have all suffered as a result even though we had a dad who loved us dearly and dm had no choice in leaving us. I can see the difference in my own children and my nieces and nephews that having a mum in their lives has made. You can get help, your child doesn't need to lose his mum, reach out and let somebody help you get better.

Sallystyle · 30/09/2016 18:25

Op lots of Thanks

You owe it your son to seek help, and you owe it to yourself.

I don't think you are heartless or mad. You need to talk this through with a professional.

Much love to you Thanks

Sallystyle · 30/09/2016 18:30

Oh and please post as much as you feel you need to.

Those who have had enough can just leave the thread.

The thing with depression is that it always sounds so easy to just take the advice, however, for the depressed person it isn't always as straight forward in their minds.

Swipe left for the next trending thread