To ask, what would you feel about a mum who didn't have custody of her child?

[callycat1]

So this is what I am considering.

I just really haven't taken to parenting, I always sensed I wouldn't. I'm upset about it, but I feel kind of resigned now after several months.

I broached the subject with DH last night and he was obviously very upset and thinks we can try some other stuff but in my heart of hearts I think I know it's how I feel.

So - leaving DS means leaving DH. Obviously I'd pay for him. Get a full time job somewhere else in the country, start life again.

Is this possible? Will I/he just be left traumatised and upset? Or is it that we all really need a fresh start? Ultimately we all want different things.

I'm talking worst case scenario here but what comes to mind?

Cally, come back and change your name later.

What you describe is exactly what PND does. It makes you believe everything in your life is one neverending dark tunnel. I used to hope against hope to have an accident so I could be hospitalised for a long period of time. That was my idea of escape.

Effexor (a SNRI) fixed me within about 6 weeks, and when the new me emerged, the life I had seemed wonderful. The exact same life i had when suffering.

I haven't read yourthreads started by you, but I have seen you posting on others threads. You seem very sad and confused. Medication would be the fastest way to feel some relief.

cally I think you need to have a word with your GP. Thinking of leaving your DH, that you love, becuse you feel so out of syn with being a mum is REALLY BIG thing.

I appreciate that you are finding it hard. Having had PND and having struggled to deal with dcs and struggled to bound with dc and having spent a hell of a lot of time being convinced I was the worst mum in the world, I know exactely what you mean.
But I think you will make yourself VERY miserable if you are leaving your DH, the man you love and have build a life with.

I also think that you took a big responsibility by bringing a new human being into the world. And yes it is hard but they deserve to have a life as good as they can get and that means you first trying to do anything possible to make it work. For them. because it's your responsibility to do so.

have a word with your GP/HV. Ask for some counselling or even better find someone near you.
remember that love is verb not a noun. It's something you create everyday by doing nice things for each other. By caring for each other. And in that case by caring for that child. That, in itself, is enough to create the love you need (And having done that myself, I can tell you it's working too).

I hope you will take the time to ask for some help (unlike me ). I hope you will find the strength somehow to carry on for a bit more so you can get better.

Do you not think that the pills you are on are not the right ones for you?

Try something else

I haven't read your other thread so I don;t know your background but leaving your DS is not the easy option.

My sister left her marriage and (as far as she thought) left the family home temporarily leaving her 3 children with her husband as she couldn't stand being with him anymore and he wouldn't let her take the children. They split up and have fought for the last six years over everything from he house , the children, maintenance etc, he won custody of the children and they have been so affected by it all.

Leaving your DS really should be your last option only after you've tried everything else.

Seriously, I know I'm just echoing what everyone else has said, but it sounds like textbook PND, I know because I had it. Everything felt grey and hopeless, I felt like I was a terrible mother, I couldn't sleep even when baby slept, I had awful, crippling panic and anxiety. Fortunately I realized fairly early on that this wasn't normal, and wasn't "how I was", and I got some very good counselling and antidepressants (Sertraline as I was breastfeeding, worked very well). When the meds kicked in it was like someone took a horrible grey filter off my entire life and I began to actually like being a parent. DS1 is nearly 7 now and I love him to bits (and yes, I went on to have another child, with no PND).

Please, please go and get some help. If you've been or are on meds that didn't work, get different ones. Talk to someone. Please.

xpost.

Sorry if what I said might have said that what you felt isn't real. It's just the illness.

I personally do think it's real. Not being ill made it easier but it didn't recreate feelings that weren't there.
However, as I said, you can recreate feelings of love for your child. And I, personally strongly believe in responsibility as a parent. That's what kept me going for a few years, until actually all the ffort I had out in, made a huge difference and I could see myself as mum, and love my dc as a mum.

It must be a really hard place for you to be in if you are thinking that not being a mum anymore is worth loosing your Dh and your relationship :(:(

You don't have to pay for counselling your gp can refer you. Many cant afford it but the can still have access to it if they ask. They can refer you to cognitive behavioural therapy too. Please seek this help. It you leave your child you will probably feel a million times worse and will be plagued with guilt.

I think that you maybe don't realise how heavily depression can affect your whole life, weight gain (and loss) and insomnia are normal symptoms. Please seek help for PND before you do anything drastic, of course it would leave you all traumatised if you left and didn't at least try to work it out first.

Get the help you need from your GP, both meds and therapy if possible, the support from your husband and family and then if all else fails look at your other options. I really hope you get the help you need.

The thing is I am a bit reluctant to see my GP. I've had a clear health history until the last twenty months or so obviously some of that was pregnancy but I just seem to have had So much wrong with me. Nothing major massive or life threatening but things like a really painful knee now and painful shoulder I am like a moaning old woman I feel I could write a book on minor ailments.

So I think my GP feels I am attention seeking. Last time I went he was a bit weird.

Cally, your son is only a baby, you can't say you haven't taken to parenting and decide to opt out of it without getting medical help and exploring why you feel this way.
I don't particularly like the baby years, I've always known that I'd find them tedious and hard work but I knew that in the long run they were short lived and the rewards later would be immense.
I think in many ways it's easier to fake it with a baby and so that's what I did I never let on I found a baby boring or tedious and so long as a baby is warm and fed and clean and cuddled and talked to then they are pretty sorted.
So I faked the baby years and fell in love with the demanding, inquisitive, funny toddler they soon became.
Can you fake it? Can you bear with it and see how you feel when your baby is more of a person? Toddlers are great to be around and your baby will be one before you know it.

Btw, you are asking in your op if your/your dc will be left traumatised.

I suspect you will. Your posst show that you are not a heartless person that can just turn her back on her DH and her child. I susopect that your ds will very much in your minbd again and again. That over the years, you might find yourself torn apart that you can't help the child you brought yup in the world.
And you might struggle a lot with seeing the consequences on your child of you leaving them.
Because that child will struggle with it all.
You might do that with the best intentions in the world but on their pov, what they will see is that they weren't worth/important enough for you to stay. That's huge.

So no I'm not sure it will be that easy. You won't be just turning the page and starting from scratch again. You will be going away with all your memories and the guilt(?) and seing what the consequences of what you did had on the child.

When I had PND I was so lucky that my HV was a great listener, and she visited once a week to just listen to me talk. Would something like this help you?

Would you like to build a bond with your son?

I remember you, cally, and it's obvious you are suffering hugely and probably have PND. Please please please go see your doctor and a counsellor. You need a safe and confidential space to talk, just you. And don't give up your job.

See someone else if you aren't happy with your GP.
Go and see him/her and show them the OP you have written. That in itself will be enough to trigger something.

When my DS was little I never bonded. I really felt indifferent. Sure, I didn't want anything bad to happen to him, but I didn't feel connected to him. I passed him to my mum whenever she would have him, I didn't enjoy spending time with him.

I had bloody awful PND. I'm only now coming out the other side of it, and he's 3. I love him so so much now. BUT I was never cut out to be an ultra maternal stay at home mum. I work full time, he's in nursery. I'm happy, he's happy. I'm getting better.

Please listen to me. There are ways of managing this that don't involve leaving your baby. It's bloody shit and trust me I get it but please get some help.

"So I think my GP feels I am attention seeking. Last time I went he was a bit weird."

I'm sure he won't if you present with this level of distress. Or is there another GP or does your maternity hospital have a psych team you can talk to?

Also I know that a)depression and stress can make you less able to cope with pain, and b)physical conditions can make you depressed. They might want to do a thyroid workup, as I know of a few people who've had postpartum thyroiditis which did all kinds of things to their mood/weight/sleep. Possibly if you've a history of depression it might make you even more prone to the mood effects? Or it could be plain old hormone crash/life crash PND, but you won't know until you get it checked out.

I kind of know what you mean by "it being real, not the illness", btw - becoming a parent is incredibly stressful, and an enormous upheaval, and the fact that it's meant to be "the happiest time of your life" can make you feel even worse when you're not happy. But viewing it through a PND-lens just makes it seem entirely hopeless and disastrous, IYKWIM? It's not like you're imagining things, but you're looking at them in the worst possible light.

OP, your original question was 'would you judge ...' Some MNers have replied that they would while at the same time sympathising with whatever has gone on for you to reach that decision. Others haven't said they'd judge you. Almost all have tried to offer words of advice to help you.

You've mentioned it to your DH. You've broached the subject on MN. I think you really need to speak to someone I partial face to face. It's a huge decision, and illness or not, there obviously a reason behind your feelings. By leaving without exploring what has led up to the decision will likely leave you feeling just as lost as you seem to be feeling right now.

Please speak frankly with your GP, or HV or a NCT helpline or whatever other agencies there might be out there. They will help you get clarity on what is best for your family.

Oh! And do you belong to a teaching union? I think NUT have therapy for their members?

OP, hello my love. Please go and see your gp and get a referral. I know this is what my family member would tell you to do.
Reading your post is just like listening to her, she so wishes she had got the help now and not taken the option of leaving her family.
Her daughter is grown up now and will never understand, she can't.
My family member had psychosis and went on to have another child many years later.
She's a great mum to her second child, she even went back to her dh, so the children a full biological siblings.
The older child and family member have no contact and to talk to either is to hear bitterness and there is no love or affection between them. They choose to pretend each other don't exist.
Please don't let it ruin your life like it did my family member, you need help.
It isn't your fault and you aren't a bad person. Your chemistry perhaps needs to be assessed.

Can someone remember the name of that charity that is going to see mothers with children unbder 5yo who are struggling??
They would be able to come and talk to you for a while

Thanks mammoth I appreciate you saying I'm not a heartless person as honestly I'm not. I am worried there may be something hereditary; my mum was to be totally frank barking mad.

Insanity I find it easier as he's a baby. The older he gets its harder in many ways I can't imagine loving a little boy or ten year old boy. I just can't. I hope I'm wrong.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but it's simply not good enough to say 'I haven't taken to parenting' and cop out.

The thing is, you chose to make a baby and he's now here, in need of his mother. You have a duty to him!

Like most of the other posters i would strongly suggest you see a GP/ring a charity who can give you advice/talk to your partner.

I really strongly feel that if you leave it will be a massive regret.

What things in particular are you finding difficult cally? Might it help for you to talk about what you're specifically finding hard?

It doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks but I think you leaving would be very traumatic for you and your baby.

Homestart- where volunteers visit & provide emotional & practical support.

Just saw your latest post....OP, either see a different doctor or tell everything you've told MN to the original one. Your opening post here isn't the full story and no doctor can help you if you don't unload everything that is troubling you. You are carrying too heavy a load and it wouldn't surprise me if your mental suffering is causing the actual physical pain.

PND, which you likely have, is taken extremely seriously by doctors and for good reason. You are unhappy enough to unload to a bunch of Internet strangers....please gather your courage and say it all to a doctor or counsellor. You have options and alternatives and solutions but you must speak to someone who can properly help you.