To ask, what would you feel about a mum who didn't have custody of her child?

[callycat1]

So this is what I am considering.

I just really haven't taken to parenting, I always sensed I wouldn't. I'm upset about it, but I feel kind of resigned now after several months.

I broached the subject with DH last night and he was obviously very upset and thinks we can try some other stuff but in my heart of hearts I think I know it's how I feel.

So - leaving DS means leaving DH. Obviously I'd pay for him. Get a full time job somewhere else in the country, start life again.

Is this possible? Will I/he just be left traumatised and upset? Or is it that we all really need a fresh start? Ultimately we all want different things.

I'm talking worst case scenario here but what comes to mind?

If you feel like the "issue" is your DS / not being a good mum, would it be possible for you to get a full time nanny and go back to work?
Or could your DH stay home instead of you for a couple of months.
This will give you time, and is a bit less drastic than leaving your family altogether.

Poor OP. You sound very unhappy and probably also not very well. I haven't read the other threads referred to, so maybe my comments will miss the point, but my advice is to sit tight and do nothing precipitous. I second advice to see your GP. As others have suggested, both PND or systemic illness are a distinct possibility, and would be greatly contributing to the feelings you are having of not really being cut out for motherhood. I felt like this postnatally with DC1, but it did pass with time and treatment. I had a useless doctor and wasn't diagnosed very promptly (with a hormone problem), which lengthened my recovery time. I urge you not to put yourself in the same position by delaying asking for a medical opinion. YY to finding a new GP if necessary. Antidepressants are massively over-relied on and should never be prescribed without also doing blood tests to rule other causes out, and no one should make you feel you are attention seeking.

I also went through a similar phase, when the DCs were somewhat older, of feeling that I would like a different kind of life from that of partner and mother. I was on the cusp of a career change, and it would have gone more smoothly if I hadn't been juggling it with family life. I was under a lot of stress, both in my work and in my relationship, and with retrospect wasn't really thinking straight. When you don't feel naturally very maternal - and lots of mothers don't, or don't always - it's not a stretch to think that removing yourself from family life would be the ideal solution to everything else that's not really working. If you're struggling with career and/or relationship difficulties, as pp seem to imply, my advice is to unravel the different problems from each other and try to deal with all of the other ones before you do something irrevocable wrt your relationship with your DC. I stayed both times btw and am very glad I did. More to the point, I know it was the right thing for the DCs, however much I suspected at the time that it wasn't.

I can totally understand all of that.

I can relate to some of that too. I'd guess that a lot of people can relate to that.

Don't convince yourself that every other mother is calmly and happily spending her days singing nursery rhymes.

I would judge you,I'm sorry but I would!

I know a women who did just that,3 children on and she took them to they're Fathers,1 of the children wasn't his by birth,she just left them there and walked off,she didn't see them for 2 years and even now they're adults it has really screwed them up!

It didn't help that years later she got back in touch and then went on to have another child and then as soon as that child was born she told her partner that if they split he'd have to take care of they're child.

I think the fact that you sound so detached from your DH and your child is a huge sign of depression.For lots of people when they're depressed you become detached,you can seem quite cold towards anyone on the outside,it can make you feel quite robotic like your just going through the motions that every thing we do is for show for those around us.

Looking back I know that's how I felt and acted when I had depression all the while I was saying but I can't be depressed,I'm doing everything I need to do,I'm not crying at the drop of a hat.No I wasn't but I also wasn't feeling anything at all!It was like I was on the outside looking in.

If I were you OP I'd really reach out,talk to someone get the help and support that you need and deserve!

You mentioned counselling and having to pay,are you not in the UK?
Because if you are you are entitled to the help on the NHS.

Op I urge you to get some urgent advise before you end up making a decision you will regret for the rest of your life

I think it sounds like you have PND. I think you need to have a chat with the doctor and take it from there? I felt a bit like that in the past. I had a very difficult baby at the time. However it passed. Sounds like you need a little help. Sometimes you are the last to realise it. Please see a doctor before you make any decisions.

I second the Home start suggestion, they were a real lifeline for me. I felt exactly as you have described, also put on weight, struggled with minor health issues. I could not imagine loving an older child the way I did my baby.
I was convinced it wasn't PND as I wasn't sad, more angry that I was not a good mum so it was logical that I should leave. I too thought my GP would think I was attention seeking and got annoyed myself for always moaning. Thankfully I mentioned some of what I was feeling to my health visitor and she took time to discuss my feelings and suggested I go to GP. She also referred me to Homestart.
Your feelings are real but you probably feel that way due to PND, please ask for help before things get any worse. In my case I couldn't face the judgement for leaving or having to tell my children why I left so my thoughts became suicidal. Thankfully I got help in time and everything is going fine now. Good luck.

I don't judge you. I've had pnd with all three dcs. Was hospitalised in a mother and baby unit with dc3 for nearly two mths. Had severe pnd with severe anxiety and intrusive ocd thoughts of throwing my baby across the room. When I came out of hospital stay I begged the mental health team to put my kids into foster care. I didn't feel like I loved my children for the first yr in dc3's case and quite a few months with my other two.

The reason I tell you this is to demonstrate how PND can manifest in this way. My consultant told me that it was a symptom of extreme anxiety.

Op you will recover but now is a time to dig deep, and to reach out for all the help you can possibly get. Stay vocal.

Remember that this too shall pass. When people told me that, and I I didn't believe them. But here I am with three school age kids x

I'm another one from a difficult birth family (shouting was normal communication, hitting frequent and throwing stuff around not uncommon) and yep, depression and massive massive anxiety issues ensued after my second child. I think it's fairly normal for those from troubled backgrounds. But you do have some feelings for your child or you wouldn't want to run off so he can be happier. It is there under all the shit. It is exactly you trying to avoid rejection. And you don't need to fear that from your own baby, you are his world.

We are not bound to repeat the past. Sounds corny, but we are not our parents, and there is much more help for these things now. If your GP isn't helping you then try another, or an HV. Do NOT try to make any life decisions right now. You're in the pit, and it is not easy by any stretch of the imagination but you have to climb out.

Unfortunately people saying 'but they love their Mums' means nothing I didn't love mine.

Can I add, btw, that DP, who took to parenting very easily and naturally, and was fabulous with tiny ones in a way I never was and never could be, and is generally very mild mannered and calm, also admitted to sometimes feeling those flashes of anger when the DCs screamed. Having DCs of our own taught us both how close ALL parents sometimes come to that line we know we really must not cross. Which is why everyone here, I am sure, has had moments when they have put a tiny screaming baby down in a cot and gone into the next room to calm down. To feel that, and to recognise it as a danger zone, makes you a good parent, OP, not a bad one.

I didn't love my mum by the time she was through with me either. Takes a long time to get to that stage though. You're not there yet.

callycat I think feeling the rage when he pulled you hair is quite natural. It sounds like this baby has hurt you quite a bit. Maybe in pregnancy, maybe in childbirth too? And now the baby is hurting you by trapping you in an existence you don't like. Pulling your hair is just the last straw.

When my DD was that age I occasionally found myself desperate to hurt her even a fraction of a percent as much as she was hurting me....

So - I think the illness versus reality question is also key. When someone close to you dies, it feel fecking horrible. You are grieving, you hate the world and that doesn't mean you are depressed or ill. You may become so...or you may follow the 'normal' path through grief and recover.

I think you are in that kind of a place. Your reactions MAY be totally normal healthy reactions to losing a life you enjoyed and having this huge burden placed on you. On the flip side, maybe you are reacting in a somewhat abnormal way to the changes in your life. In either case it would be worth examining exactly why this change has caused you such pain....track back the problems...maybe they are things that can be resolved without dissolving your family.

The one thing that is absolutely true is that being the parent of a 10 month old is NOTHING like being the parent of a 20 month old....let alone a 10 year old. You hate the job now, but you may either find it better or worse in the future.

I can't imagine parenting a 10 year old...because I have a 5 yo now....5 years ago, I wouldn't have had the faintest idea how to talk to a 5 yo. Now it is easy peasy.

I'm still a crap parent, but it doesn't hurt me like it used to. In fact I now find I get through a day at work with the reassurance in the back of my head that I have this other role that is also a part of me now.

Op I think you could possibly have PND, please go to your GP for help. Yes it is so hard looking after babies and toddlers. My first child who is 9, now ASD, cried from 9am-9pm every day as a baby, it was relentless, and she continued right up until she was 4, meltdowns. Then professionals started getting involved, and she was dx and the weight was lifted. I feel so much more positive now, I have a 4 year old ds who is also wonderful. Yes even with him, and he is nt, it was still tough, the endless no sleep, nappies, feeding.

I think everyone else has talked about pnd so I won't go over it again. Could you look into bonding strategies? Specifically ones for adoptive parents might be helpful as they talk about bonding with older babies and children. Also have you considered that maybe you will find it easier rather than harder as your baby gets older? I much prefer the toddler to baby bit as they are so much more interactive.

Some people just don't take to parenting, and I think it would be wrong to judge anyone who feels that way and chooses to be a non-resident parent rather than struggle on. I knew someone (a mother) both of whose young children lived with their respective fathers. She was involved with their lives and had them on weekends and obviously loved them but being a full-time parent just wasn't her.

That said, it may well be galloping PND and you really really should get that investigated because, if it is, and you walk away and eventually get over it you can never go back and have that time over again.

If you feel your GP isn't taking you seriously - change GPs.

cally, I would be prepared to guarantee you that you did love your mother when you were a baby - that love may well have been destroyed by subsequent events but it was there.
I agree what PP said, you are not your mother, you are not condemned to make the same mistakes.

Seek help.

Yes that was Homestart I was thinking about. They are doing a really good work in my area.

All you are describing re your DC is what I felt toward dc1. The wanting to scream (and screaming at him for things that babies do). Feeling THE rage. Not knowing what to do. Not feeling anything special towards him (At some point, I really wondered if I would be that affected if they were to die - An awful thought but I really wasn't sure I would be upset...) etc etc.

If I may say
1- this idea that you will naturally know what to do as a mum is bollocks. At best you are just repeating what your parents have done with you as a child (or what you have seen relatives do around you maybe too). If you are rejecting what your parents have done because you know it wasn't right, you have little to go with and it IS hard to learn how to parent a child. And they are changing all the time which means you have to keep learning all the time too... And you will make mistkes and NT get things right either.
2- love isn't immediate. And I'm getting the feeling that you thought you would automatically LOVE your dc. Well it doesn't happen immediately to everyone and sometimes you need to learn to love that child. A bit like someone who is adopting a child needs to learn to love them.
3- being angry at small thing is a sign of depression. That I think you need to have a look at, regardless of what you are deciding to do. But felling more relaxed around him, not jumping into fight or fly potion at the slightest thing will make it much easier for you to do all the things you thnk yu should be doing and feel all the things you think you should be feeling.

Oh, and the rage at the hair pulling thing?
Normal.
People get touched out, they just cannot stand another bit of physical contact.

The rage is ok - it's what you do with it.
You must learn to step away from the baby when you feel like that - I know I had to put various DSs down somewhere safe more than once and walk away, taking deep breaths.

It's cool woowoo I won't be back.

Thanks everyone you really have helped me see things a lot more clearly. I obviously don't want to annoy anyone but I am grateful.

Oh and I won't be starting more threads. It's fine. Thanks.

You aren't annoying people, please feel free to pm me if you want to talk xx

Someone I met when we had both had a miscarriage - she went on to have a little boy. She did so desperately want a baby.

But she felt the same way at this age.

She went to see her health visitor, who said PND, went on holiday with her DH whilst her mother looked after DS, then went back to work.