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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask, what would you feel about a mum who didn't have custody of her child?

164 replies

callycat1 · 30/09/2016 15:24

So this is what I am considering.

I just really haven't taken to parenting, I always sensed I wouldn't. I'm upset about it, but I feel kind of resigned now after several months.

I broached the subject with DH last night and he was obviously very upset and thinks we can try some other stuff but in my heart of hearts I think I know it's how I feel.

So - leaving DS means leaving DH. Obviously I'd pay for him. Get a full time job somewhere else in the country, start life again.

Is this possible? Will I/he just be left traumatised and upset? Or is it that we all really need a fresh start? Ultimately we all want different things.

I'm talking worst case scenario here but what comes to mind?

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 30/09/2016 15:48

Prehaps it isn't fair but it was supposed to be a shock thing in the hope that you would realise that medication is not the Devils pills

Sometimes they are genuinely needed and I honestly believe you need them

You wouldn't walk around with a broken leg and refuse medical help would you? So why does depression get written off?

Please please please seek help

Lonecatwithkitten · 30/09/2016 15:49

Please go and see your GP you have put on weight and are depressed these are markers of illness and it maybe that with treatment you will feel different.

1potato2potato3potato4 · 30/09/2016 15:49

Bloody hell Cally I've just read your other thread, how could you not be depressed?
No wonder you want to run away, but I wouldn't give up yet. Not on your son anyway.
You need to seek help. Call woman's aid and talk through with them what's been going on? They could offer you advice and help you work out if your relationship is abusive.
See your GP or there is an NHS help line for depression etc you could try. I'll see if I can find the link.

gingerbreadmanm · 30/09/2016 15:50

i think you need to speak to a professional about the way you are feeling.

sometimes when there is a cloud over you it is hard to see the wood for the trees and the thing that you may think is causing you to feel this way isn't.

i really think you need some support and professional advicem

PenguindreamsofDraco · 30/09/2016 15:50

I would judge the shit out of you. Not for feeling like you do, but for not seeking help or looking for another alternative other than running away (to a life that won't be like your pre-child life anyway).

TMInamechangedprotectinnocent · 30/09/2016 15:50

Definitely sounds like textbook PND and I haven't read your other threads. Talk to your GP as a matter of urgency.

I didn't feel bonded with my daughter at all for the first year or so. I'd been very ill postnatally - mania and a one month stay in a mother and baby psychiatric unit - and after that I just felt shell-shocked and anxious. I went through the motions and just got on with it until it started coming naturally. We're incredibly close now and have been since she was about 2.

Don't abandon your son unless you get fully better and still feel the same a year or two later. It is unlikely to be the right choice for either of you.

Chippednailvarnishing · 30/09/2016 15:51

Maybe it's time you actually start listening to the advice on your other thread and go and get some counseling. Your posts generally come across as extremely cold and detached.

Original poster
callycat1 · 30/09/2016 15:52

Ok I'm going to name change and I won't mention it again.

If you recognise me please don't out me.

OP posts:
TMInamechangedprotectinnocent · 30/09/2016 15:52

And apologies for the name change, but I've talked to a lot of acquaintances in real life about my experience (as I feel strongly that mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of) so it's very identifying given my well-known love of Mumsnet!

TMInamechangedprotectinnocent · 30/09/2016 15:54

Cally, do seek medical help rather than just hide how you're feeling. Please.

FATEdestiny · 30/09/2016 15:54

A mum at my DOcs school upped and left 3 children while they were at school. With no discussion with anyone, including DP, and no contact throughout.

Get DH really struggled, got lots of support from others and managed. She arrived home 2 months later with an explaination she was stressed, needed space (and she also had a short affair in that time).

I walk home the same way as them, I'm often just in front or behind them. Several times I have heard the children say "will Mummy still be there when we get home?". Breaks my heart. The children are constantly assuming she will vanish with no notice while they are at school.

Yes, I judge.

Maybe she had untreated mental health problems. Maybe she was in an unhappy marriage. Maybe an abusive marriage. Or maybe she was just incrediy selfish. Whatever the reason, she should never have abandoned her children like that.

Soubriquet · 30/09/2016 15:54

See you're doing it again

Running away and avoiding the situation instead of dealing with it

Taking the easy road instead of putting in the work and actually doing something

Fourormore · 30/09/2016 15:56

Penguins makes a good point - you can't go back to your pre-child life. You'd always know in the back of your mind that you'd abandoned your child. That kind of guilt would cripple most people eventually.

The thing with depression is that it can sometimes make you feel like you're seeing things with absolute clarity.

I hope you can access the support you need. I don't and wouldn't judge you for how you feel but the reality is that you do have a child now and you absolutely have a responsibility to him. How traumatising would it be for him to have his mummy disappear?

You don't have to feel like this and it can get better. If parenting really isn't for you and you end up separating from your husband and become a "weekend mum" then that's one thing, but running off to another country is another thing entirely.

missbishi · 30/09/2016 15:57

OP, does it feel as though people are telling you to go and get tablets in order to make you cope with a situation you didn't want to be in in the first place?

Honestly, that isn't the case at all. We're only advising you to get some help so YOU feel better in yourself. Once the fog has lifted, I promise that you will be able to think more rationally. And if you still feel as though you want out then fine. You gave it your best shot.

purplefox · 30/09/2016 15:57

Are you still on maternity leave?

TMInamechangedprotectinnocent · 30/09/2016 15:57

Also please note that feeling as though your feelings about your child are unrelated to any depression you may be feeling is also very common. Your mind is very likely to be playing tricks on you.

Thinkingblonde · 30/09/2016 15:57

Please, please go and see your GP and soon. You seem very detached from your DS and I think you need help.

Like it or not you are a parent now, ds's needs come first and he needs you to be his mum.

Scarydinosaurs · 30/09/2016 15:58

It sounds like classic PND. Absolutely thousands of women have felt just like you do, and have felt better after a course of counselling/or medication.

You are not a bad person. You deserve to be happy.

1potato2potato3potato4 · 30/09/2016 16:00

Cally I don't think this is something you can run away from.

Laineymc7 · 30/09/2016 16:00

Oh my gosh. Please try and see your gp or talk to someone about your feelings. Have you talked to your husband and try and get a balance where you do more stuff for yourself. Gym, see friends etc so it's isn't all about being a mum and you get some of your old self back. Set aside a night a week if you can or a weekend morning. This is a massive decision and will have a huge effect on your son if you went through with it. Please try and look at other options because your son needs you. X

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 30/09/2016 16:01

Cally
Please get some medical advice on possible PND before making any life changing decisions. People aren't referring to your other thread for the fun of it, it is relevant. You are clearly struggling and need to get some help for yourself before you can make any choices.

Pettywoman · 30/09/2016 16:02

Running away will not help, it might make it worse. You have a partner who loves you and a child who needs you. Don't leave until you have sought help from the doctor. If you've been treated for PND and still feel that way then you can think again. Don't run away from what could be the best thing in your life without even trying.

Flowers
APlaceOnTheCouch · 30/09/2016 16:03

There are reasons why you feel overwhelmed. Running away won't solve those problems. It won't be a magical fix that makes you feel better.

What it will do, is put your DH in a stronger position if you change your mind and decide you do want to be resident parent to your DS. It will also leave your DS with your DH, and taking into account how your relationship with your DH has impacted your MH, I don't think it would be fair, loving or wise to leave your DS with him.

Speak to your GP, get RL support. Once you have taken those steps, you can think again about whether you want to leave your child.

Original poster
callycat1 · 30/09/2016 16:04

Miss it does feel a bit like that to be honest - as if people are saying what I feel isn't real, it only exists because I am ill, and it is real, I don't think I'm ill.

That doesn't mean it isn't nice of people to post just that I don't think they've quite understood.

Realistically the options are tablets which since I'm gonna name change after this thread anyway I've been on since I was 16 on and off. And they work as they stop you feeling anything. But that's already my problem. Or counselling which we can't afford and I don't want to do six sessions pour my heart out then have to stop due to finances. (6 sessions are the max you get here.)

I'm not in an abusive relationship DH does more than anyone could ever know.

OP posts:
FayKorgasm · 30/09/2016 16:05

One of my aunts upped and left a year after her youngest was born. She had suffered silently with pnd. When she left the pnd came with her. Leaving will not make anything better. Please talk to your gp.