To ask, what would you feel about a mum who didn't have custody of her child?

[callycat1]

So this is what I am considering.

I just really haven't taken to parenting, I always sensed I wouldn't. I'm upset about it, but I feel kind of resigned now after several months.

I broached the subject with DH last night and he was obviously very upset and thinks we can try some other stuff but in my heart of hearts I think I know it's how I feel.

So - leaving DS means leaving DH. Obviously I'd pay for him. Get a full time job somewhere else in the country, start life again.

Is this possible? Will I/he just be left traumatised and upset? Or is it that we all really need a fresh start? Ultimately we all want different things.

I'm talking worst case scenario here but what comes to mind?

Op ive been on medication for over 15 years.
If your medication stopped you feeling anything then it was the wrong one for you.
Took me a while to work out the right medication.
You do sound like you are depressed ( the anger, the lack of attachment are all the things i had without even being a mom!)
Add in your pain that can make depression worse, the depression can actually make pain worse ( something i also have experience with).
Go to your gp.
If you're not honest then they can't help.
They can't help your pain and they can't help you.
I don't think you're heartless or a bad mom.
I've had days through the past years when i've wanted to run away ( and i have a fantastic dh!) but that wouldn't chAnge anything.
You can change your location but the problems are still there.
Don't namechange, people really do just want to help x

What age are you remembering this from though, Cally?

My mother (by her own admission) wasn't the most maternal and wasn't great at times, but I was so young I can't remember any of that. I can remember feeling loved and being well cared for, it turns out that wasn't always the case, but I only know that since I've been told, by her.

You have lots of time to get this sorted; start meds, have therapy, hopefully learn to play and bond in some way, so that the things you are/aren't feeling now will have changed by the time he can remember.

I know it's very difficult but please don't focus on the negative responses, concentrate on the positives and know you have shed loads of support here at least. Start the ball rolling asap and you'll probably feel better instantly just by taking that first step. Good luck.

op
Maybe try looking at things differently.

If you want to leave. Then first you need to make sure you have done everything in your power to see if it could work first. So your conscience is clear.
That means going to the doctors and making sure you are not severely depressed.

You can start as many threads and name change as much as you like but I'm telling you the advice will be the same.

You sound exactly like you have PND which for alot of people really rears its ugly head around month six.
Your ds is month eight.
You stated several months you felt worse
It makes sense.
Hundreds of posters are telling you the same thing.

I have been where you are.
My only options were to run away and start again or suicide.

I put on bang on exactly 7 fucking stone in a couple years

I never saw a light.

Fast forward to today and I've had two more babies since then and am very happy.

It took a long time to get here.

My point being if you really believe you want to go, At least give everything a try first so you know in yourself you really did everything you could.

Like lots of things. Making the first initial call is the hardest.

Making the call is the hard part. Once it's booked you just turn up. Please listen to us.

Cally, go to the GP, tell him how you feel on your very worst days, get the help you need and try that life for a while. If it doesn't work and you've HAD all the help you can get and you still want to leave your son then at least you can say you tried everything you could.

Right now you haven't tried everything you can. You owe it to your son and your husband and YOURSELF to at least seek the help and see if it IS PND and maybe you will look back at this stage and just thank God that you posted here and listened to many of the people who have been there too.

I really do wish you the very best x

I've only gotten as far as the first page, but I could cry for you reading just your first post. Your daily life must feel terrible if you feel you are living a life that you don't want.

I did read and the first thing that came to mind was the possibility of PND, so please do go to the Drs, seek help, seek some support, and now, let's think about ways that you may feel you are living the life that you should be, whilst still being in your sons life, these are avenues to at least go down, because if you don't, you may never forgive yourself.

This will take great thought into the dynamics of your situation. Are you now mostly at home, having given up many of the things that made your life what it was before your son was born? - if so, maybe your partner needs to make provisions that you return to work,and he gets stuck in, helping that to happen. The same as friendships and hobbies you still need these. Try and keep these things on track.

It might even be worthwhile saying to your partner, I need you to take over the lions share of care for the moment. I feel I may have lost myself in becoming a mother. I need to see how I can still be myself and a mother at the same time
I'd also like you to know, that people, their lives and circumstances all fit into different categories. So please don't worry about people judging you, but the overall health you and your family...try, try,try. You'll end up as you should.
I hope in ten years time you'll. Look back and remember the way you felt, and cannot believe that you ever felt this way, because motherhood is the greatest gift I've been given. I've not always felt that way, sometimes the tasks that come with motherhood are overwhelming, and I will also say, many mums hate the baby stage and are utterly miserable of what their "mummy' life is, until their child gets to an age where they are, walking/talking/potty trained finished with teething. You name it!! Good luck to your family

I don't think depression is your main issue.

I think you have an attachment disorder from the relationship with your own mother which is affecting your ability to attach to your child.

Talk to your health visitor about your experiences and feelings and find out from them if your local social services have supports available that could help you. Their job is to keep families together, it will be emotionally harmful to your DC if you abandon him so they owe him a duty of care to prevent this.

Please see someone about this Cally you can't see it but you really do need some proper help to understand your own feelings. Please, please, please see someone as soon as possible. Even if it means going overdrawn, borrowing the money, selling everything- see a mental health professional as soon as physically possible. You'll know you tried then, and you can know that you've tried before saying it won't work... please see someone and try. You don't deserve to feel like this, and neither does your son.

If you are still about OP, listen to Beeb I too don't think PND because you sound exactly like my family member and her diagnosis wasn't PND
Strangely enough attachment disorder was mentioned and looked at with her too, she is adopted.

Reading your posts I'm seeing so many comments that I remember her saying to me. Please don't throw so many lives away when you can do one last thing. Open up and take the help you and your family so desperately need.

As a child my mum left me and my brother with our dad. We didn't see her for almost 10 years and we were ok because we knew no different.

BUT ... she came back, we got on for a while, she made my life miserable. I built up a huge resentment towards her and it took years of arguing, not talking for six years and making up for me to realise that I actually hated her. I'm a mother who has had postnatal depression and thought about leaving loads of times. My experience of being the left child stops me, being a mum is hard. My mum wasn't maternal, maybe you aren't but you can try and find a way to make it work.

Please please don't leave your child without serious consideration and exploring all other avenues of help. My mum has left again, this time leaving her 11 year old son and 6 grandchildren. I hate her, they hate her. The pain doesn't go away though and sometimes I miss her but I can't let her hurt me or my kids again.

I hope you work this out, I'm not judging you at all, I just wanted to give you a different perspective. I really feel for you Hun xx

Have you reported this OP, SpanishLady?

None of us here can make a diagnosis - seek RL help

I have joint custody of my Son and the comments I get are crazy! My ex on the other hand is told how wonderful he is for having his son three days a week.

I'd say for sure you are depressed , the coldness and apathy in your post screams depression to me . Most of us would have to have our 8 month old babies prised from our cold dead hands before we let them go . You are considering just leaving your son and dh...please get some help .

If you've been here for YEARS, SpanishLady, then you'll know to keep your mouth shut and report, especially on this kind of thread