To question whether this child should be in mainstream school?

[Goldenhandshake]

There is a child in my DC's year 3 class, I do not know the extent of his learning difficulties or conditions, I have spoken to his mum on a few occasions and she has stated he has ADHD, however there may be more she hasn't divulged, always assumed it was none of my business tbh. She was very open in saying he had set his siblings coat on fire previously (whilst the sibling was wearing it!).

However I am becoming increasingly worried, he has had several very violent outburst in class and the playground, he has been pulled off another child after wrapping his hands round his throat and choking the lad, has thrown a chair at the teacher and broken a window. It sounds very much like he has difficulty controlling his anger and I am now concerned for my DC's safety.

I don't want to be one of those parents who pushes out children for being different or having complex needs, but I equally do not want the worry that he will attack or harm my child.

So WIBU to request a meeting or call with the school to find out what they are doing to either limit the risk or manage this child's needs appropriately and keep the rest of the class safe?

enter I turned down ADHD assessment too because I felt that it would detract from the ASD diagnosis and twenty years ago ADHD was more attributed to poor parenting than it is even now. There is no doubt in my mind that ds never had ADHD but his behaviours were down to communication and anxiety difficulties.

I agree with the teacher upthread. How is the school failing him? How are they meant to know when he's about to throttle another child? Staff in mainstream school are not trained to deal with special and complex needs like this.

There was a girl similar to this in my DDs year in primary school. She was autistic. She also threw a hair at another child, but she would behave this way if aggravated She couldn't control her temper and kids knew this and some of them would wind her up, she responded by lashing out and she would in trouble. I saw it when I was helping out in the school myself.

I wasn't really concerned about my DD, because she's not the type to cause trouble and aggravate anyone that way, but I worried she may get caught in the cross fire when he girl threw something. I didn't think she should have been in mainstream with her kicking, scratching, slapping and the chair throwing incident and she would cry at the drop of a hat.

It was difficult, but she's in high school now and a lot better. Same high school as DD too.

I've paid for an assessment for my younger son. It was not cheap, but we were getting nowhere for support or assessment or anything. As we're home educating, the assessment was more for me to get recommendations to aid in his home ed. We were told previously the only way to get the assessment without paying for it was to put him back in school. He nearly had a mental breakdown when he was in school previously, so that simply wasn't an option.

she would behave this way if aggravated She couldn't control her temper and kids knew this and some of them would wind her up, she responded by lashing out and she would in trouble

And you don't think the school failed her?

victim blaming.

Sandy no child gets to chair throwing stage without there being a build up. The staff would have had plenty of opportunities to intervene before it ever got to that stage not least sorting out the little sods who were provoking her. My own ds had extreme challenging behaviour, if he ever hurt anyone it was because of the school's failure to recognise and intervene in good time. Thankfully because I had secured good support it was extremely rare without the support it would have happened repeatedly.

Thankfully though ds had a reputation that ensured no other child would have dared to wind him up

That's exactly it Ginger, after friends ds was permanently excluded into a PRU, they helped him get an EHCP, he was also referred to the community Paeditrician and took 9 months to get a dx, after which friend looked at Mainstream schools with units, and Mainstreams that could meet his needs. They chose one without a unit, as the mainstreams with units were totally not suitable for ds needs. They started the transitioning process in the Summer term, was a bit rocky, then the holidays started. On his first Morning at mainstream, he was excluded for biting a teacher and throwing furniture. So they have told my friend they cannot meet her ds needs and it has now gone back to the LEA, and the Special schools panel. The LEA are veering towards a special school for Emotional behavioural disorders, which my friend tells me does not meet her ds ASD needs, and he will have to move in a couple of years time as it only goes up to age 11. They can also exclude, so if ds exhibits beahviours, then the SS can exclude him too.

So they are beginning the fight for this ASD independent school that is the right fit for their ds.

insan1ty, detract was the word I was looking for. Even with the AS dx the school only wanted to control the behaviour and not manage the anxiety.

enter ds's diagnosis is moderate to severe autism, moderate learning difficulties and severe challenging behaviour. However he does have GCSEs and A level equivalents so the the learning difficulties was wrong and the challenging behaviour went when he was able to talk aged seven. At reassessment they felt that the autism was more towards the severe end and his speech and communication ability had scores between the first and 50th centile at sixteen but he was cognitively able and no challenging behaviour so very different to what was initially believed to be the case.

enter we came up against this too. Older son has high anxiety (is on statement, on IEPs, and so on), yet special school's reports on him are littered with words like "must try harder" in everything, and "deliberate behaviour" and "attention seeking" on one hand, while going on about his high levels of anxiety on the other. I say "So what's causing the anxiety?" Nothing, they say. He's fine in school. He loves it. He just needs to try harder not to display this behaviour. You know, the behaviour that is triggered by his severe anxiety. That they say he has, but doesn't have and is fine. It was unbelievable.

Yes it is always so bloody difficult with schools even with a diagnosis and a statement in place. What used to frustrate me was the school used to demand that he had 1 to 1 support at all times and 2 to 1 if outside of school. But ds was the youngest of four (within seven years) and they thought if I put in more input at home he'd be better in school even though I managed him far better at home alongside the other three and supported the school alongside.

And the continuation of the terrible experiences of DC with ASD dx and their families continues (I was ranty/venty/sweary pp from last night). DS and I have been through and are coming out the other side of the SEND system after 8 years of it, he is now Y10, nearly 15. He was labelled that 'violent' kid from a 'bad family' (labelling me too) but I knew neither was true. DS from the age of 6 went through more rejection, isolation and 'fuck-you-up' events than many adults do in a lifetime.

I have had to fight tooth and nail with my one arm tied behind my back, hopping on one leg, move hundreds of miles more than once, sacrifice any part of my life to devote everything to ensure ds an indie SS place to sort him out after the damage caused.

After 4 years there he is now in a non-SS free school academy who are extremely supportive. It's not perfect, the LEA are still messing around
but I take it in my stride now mostly.

DS hasn't been 'violent' for years now, it was only a reaction to how he was treated, he was only a little boy. Shame on you people who ever thought he was.

you know october is ADHD awareness month?

Unfortunately you cant slap the stupid out of anyone any more than you can discipline the ADHD (or the Autism) out of my son.

Anyone who's been through the process of getting an ADHD diagnosis knows its NOT a placeholder.

You know what petit? I wish you and parents like you would put your energies into lobbying the school/LEA/government to get our children the help they need. But you never do. In fact, generally you couldn't give a toss until they affect your kids and then all you want is to get our children out of your face.

I am not interested in gossiping. But the first concern of any parent is their child.

Yes brasty of course your child's safety is your greatest concern, but how do you find out about the other child's 'acts of violence', which btw can be not nearly as extreme as chair-throwing to be classed as 'violent'? How are they explained to you? How do you explain it to others? Do you link the child with a parent or parent and make assumptions about them? Do you discuss any of these and other aspects with other people? That is Gossip.