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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want MIL to kiss my baby on the lips?

153 replies

Firsttimer82 · 29/09/2016 20:40

To be clear I have no problem with parents who kiss their babies/children on the lips, but we never did it in my family. We cuddle, there is a lot of formal and informal forehead kissing that goes on and plenty of cheek kissing. I have DS who is our only child so far and apart from when he launches himself open mouthed onto my face at random like babies do I have not gone in for lip kissing. I hadn't really thought about it until this week.

MIL has been to stay and has repeatedly grabbed the baby and kissed him on the lips. AAAArrrrrgh!!!! Ds clearly doesn't like it and I said to dh in the spirit of you control your parents i'll control mine, to get her to stop. He said "I'll tell her if she does it again." She did it again and no word from dh. It was all I could do to not push her onto the floor Miranda style! AIBU? Its flared up my instincts!!! How do I stop her?

OP posts:

Marmelised · 29/09/2016 23:45

Suffice to say kissing my children on the lips was not encouraged. Really too much chance of blurred lines. Don't care if that's seen as my issues. So long as my children don't have to live through the same.

Wayfarersonbaby · 29/09/2016 23:45

Worth reading (you can find lots more information on this online; the bacteria in question are Streptococcus mutans, which cause tooth decay. Babies are born without this in their mouths and acquire it during infancy). Might make many people think again before encouraging grandparents or anyone else to mouth kiss! (Especially given that that generation tend to have much poorer oral health):

www.dentistrytoday.com/clinical-update/6158-passing-along-harmful-bacteria-from-parent-to-child

unicornthong · 29/09/2016 23:50

Can I just point out that your DH appears to be alive despite probably being smothered in kisses as a baby by the same woman...

Also people comparing kissing A BABY (especially one you're closely related to!) to kissing a sexual partner are fucked in the head, to put it delicately. Some serious issues there if that's the first thing that comes to mind.

AnythingMcAnythingface · 29/09/2016 23:51

Marmelised of course they were your issues but that's ok. I'd say that's a natural response.

I just hope you don't mean to imply that mouth kissing and child abuse go hand in hand because that is very offensive.

unicornthong · 30/09/2016 00:05

Marmelised I posted that before I saw your comment. I didn't mean you, and I'm so sorry that happened to you. My comment was aimed at people who irrationally apply sexual connotations to innocently kissing a baby.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 30/09/2016 00:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 30/09/2016 00:38

But I won't surrender my right to show pure affection to my dd and allow it to be labelled as sexual, just because of the behaviour of perverted wronguns in the world.

So true.

Mamatallica · 30/09/2016 00:53

YANBU, I'd hate that, it's weird and creepy. Tbh, I can't stand my MIL and I secretly cringe when she visits and coos over the baby, it is the sort of thing she would do though (with her awful bright pink lipstick, shudder). I would be pretty horrified if anyone started kissing my baby on the lips though, I wouldn't do it and I'm his mum. I don't kiss the cat on the lips either, I'd consider it just as odd.

avamiah · 30/09/2016 01:09

My daughter is 6 nearly 7 and me and my husband never kissed her on the lips as a baby.Don't get me wrong we were always hugging and cuddling her and kissing her on her little face but never on her lips and neither did any members of our family.

Marmelised · 30/09/2016 05:31

My point is that, of course, it isn't necessarily sexual BUT too much emphasis on how pure and natural it is makes it very difficult for the rare child for whom it is an issue to speak up.

I tried flagging up my concern at the time but was reassured by everyone about how lovely and normal it all was and so there was no where to go with my worries.

I was churned up with worry but was met with this bright, happy wall of how completely natural it all was.

Which is why it all makes me a bit cross. Of course this doesn't apply to your children. Your friends and family have no sinister motives..

. I have two points

my parents would have said exactly the same. My grandfather was the loveliest, innocently caring person. They didn't know and never knew what was happening to me.
are you sure if something similar happened to yr child (not by you but someone they trusted) they would have the confidence to speak up given that the kissing behaviour was so normalised in the rest of their relationships?

By all means enjoy the innocent love and trust that abounds in your family relationships. Just be very sure that your celebration of this trust doesn't reduce your child's ability to speak out if something isn't right.

You know that your actions are pure. You CANNOT know that about anyone else.

malificent7 · 30/09/2016 05:52

Awwww... your mil sounds lovely! Yabu.

malificent7 · 30/09/2016 05:53

to above post with re to THIS case.

AnythingMcAnythingface · 30/09/2016 06:09

The only thing that will reduce my child's ability to speak out is fear of not being believed. We've got that's covered, so I won't live my life worrying about something that could happen.

And of course it could happen, but I won't live in irrational fear, suspecting everyone and trusting no one.

Not daring to kiss my child's mouth, something so pure and natural in my situation, for fear of normalising sexual abuse... If I do that I allow child abusers to affect my child without doing anything.

I decided to be a survivor of my early life experiences, instead of a victim of them. I won't second guess my values or neurotically try to control every possible outcome of my child's life based on fear of what could be. That way it stays where it belongs, in the past.

srslylikeomg · 30/09/2016 07:02

This thread is just a hate on grandma. It's common on here to try to justify nastiness towards mil's. Basically, and you're not alone in this op, you don't like her since the baby has been born. You cringe when she holds them/kisses them/makes a suggestion. You hate her, when previously she was ok, but after he baby you have a visceral hatred of her that colours everything.
To muddy that up with being vigilant about germs is disingenuous. For others to obfuscate further about sexual abuse adds weight and dialogue to an issue that is actually very simple: you don't like her and you're gonna have to grow up about that.
for anyone who had survived childhood abuse. And for you op. My mil is a nightmare.

CodyKing · 30/09/2016 07:46

The OP doesn't like it - the baby doesn't like it

That is enough for it to stop

For everyone saying its innocent and normal - so is the right to say NO!

blueturtle6 · 30/09/2016 07:50

To me its not the kissing on lips, its that she's doing something he doesn't like. Tell her he doesn't like it and repeat. My dd hates sitting still on peoples knee, and have to say to GPs she doesn't like it, pop her down. If they do it timely they are rewarded with big grin before she runs off again.

DollyBarton · 30/09/2016 07:59

I tend not to do it at all but that's because there is often a streaming nose above their lips yuck yuck yuck! Also my ds's first year I let him put his hands in my mouth and would share spoons etc and got sick so often I'm now not keen on getting too close to their mouths, noses or anything they've licked. I've barely been sick in the years since. My DH lip kisses. Nothing wrong with the it at all. Kissing kids on the lips is no indication at all of anything inappropriate.

seven201 · 30/09/2016 08:01

I wouldn't like it either. Your husband needs to step up and tell her not to. Each to their own and all that but you and your dh can decide what you do and don't want and people should respect that.

Pagwatch · 30/09/2016 09:27

At the risk of fanning the flames, I was abused.
It's pretty offensive to extrapolate that because I don't see kissing on the mouth as sexual I'm some kind of innocent.

My primary abuser was someone who tried to control relationships and endlessly implied that all sorts of innocent interactions with my brothers were repulsive and sexual.

For me the experience of his 'dirtying' normal affection was far more damaging. The damage still has echos decades later but I fight it - fuck him if he thinks he's going to control how the people I love show affection. I refuse to let that happen.

Please don't imply all abused people have the same experience or that your experience invalidates mine. my childhood was far from pretty. I'm more than aware that abuse happens thanks.

Pagwatch · 30/09/2016 09:30

That was a pretty massive X post with everyone ..

AnythingMcAnythingface · 30/09/2016 09:46

Pagwatch I agree with your point entirely. I think that what you are mentioning is the largest distinction between being a victim of abuse and the survivor of abuse.

ClopySow · 30/09/2016 10:21

Maybe time to talk to granny about consent

Don't be fucking rediculous.

I struggle to understand because we are a kissy family. I still kiss my parents, brother and some friends on the lips. My teenage sons kiss me on the lips. I let them lead that though because i'm aware it's something i felt uncomfortable with as a teenager, but they always go for the lips. There is nothing even remotely sexual about these interactions, it's a way of expressing affection.

But, if you aren't comfortable with it and that's your normal. You shouldn't be criticised for it.

There are theories that kissing comes from mothers passing chewed food to their infants mouth back in the day.

So anyway, if your husband isn't going to say something, just say it yourself. Maybe he is comfortable with lip kissing and wants your child to learn it is a way of showing love.

callycat1 · 30/09/2016 11:16

I canNOT believe that because I still feel uncomfortable about lip kissing after years of abuse I am a victim and if I was to stop feeling this way I'd be a survivor! There's a new one.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 30/09/2016 12:56

My dad did nothing to sort himself out if you want Cally I can send you a list of books. You're children don't understand what happened to you I didn't understand my fathers behaviour. They have not lived you're life children are innocent from when they are born it's what you teach them after that.

I tell my children if a man or woman touch you then you tell someone right away. I don't want my children to fear the world around them I want them to embrace it. At the same time understand the dangers. My kids see nothing wrong with me kissing them. My children are innoccent and I wish to keep it that way.

JellyBelli · 30/09/2016 12:59

Eewww. If your baby doesnt like it why would hse do it again?

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