To not want MIL to kiss my baby on the lips?

[Firsttimer82]

To be clear I have no problem with parents who kiss their babies/children on the lips, but we never did it in my family. We cuddle, there is a lot of formal and informal forehead kissing that goes on and plenty of cheek kissing. I have DS who is our only child so far and apart from when he launches himself open mouthed onto my face at random like babies do I have not gone in for lip kissing. I hadn't really thought about it until this week.

MIL has been to stay and has repeatedly grabbed the baby and kissed him on the lips. AAAArrrrrgh!!!! Ds clearly doesn't like it and I said to dh in the spirit of you control your parents i'll control mine, to get her to stop. He said "I'll tell her if she does it again." She did it again and no word from dh. It was all I could do to not push her onto the floor Miranda style! AIBU? Its flared up my instincts!!! How do I stop her?

[Firsttimer82]

it comes out in things that wouldn't normally be an issue

Good point... Thanks for all the good advice... I don't like it but i'll leave it unless ds looks upset... I don't think there is a way to say stop it without upsetting MIL...

[callycat1]

The thing is pagwatch what I'm trying to say, and maybe doing a really bad job of is, it's different for different people.

So the pagwatch mil kisses baby pagwatch on the mouth and you're fine with that, and that's okay.

But if my mil (don't have one! But if I did!) kissed my baby on the mouth I'd feel really really uncomfortable with that as to me it has sexual connotations. And maybe it's not rational but I can't help the way it would make me feel, which is, yuck.

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

callycat1 It doesn't make you a bad person my mum when I was growing up never kissed me on the lips I think she has that cleaning disorder where she don't like germs. When talking about it try not to use it in the same context as sex it don't sound right.

[CocktailQueen]

kissed me on the mouth I'd go mad. That's for sex and has no place around babies

Callycat, I have found your posts on their thread very odd and disturbing. You have some issues!

Kissing on the lips is not just for sex! I kiss my Dd and Ds on the mouth, my mum, dad, a couple of good friends and my dh. Never mind a baby! Ffs.

Op, cut your mil some slack. So she wants to show your DC some affection. Well, sue her

[callycat1]

It doesn't make me a bad person so feeling sorry for me is a bit pointless, I just don't like it and feel it's inappropriate.

I'm not telling you or anyone else you shouldn't do it but where my baby is concerned I would probably gently ask people not to.

[callycat1]

Carry on doing that if you want to.

I haven't said don't.

I've said to me it's a sexual act so I wouldn't want it doing to my baby.

[LardLizard]

Yanbu at all

[CodyKing]

I kiss my Dd and Ds on the mouth, my mum, dad, a couple of good friends and my dh. Never mind a baby! Ffs.

Have you asked them if they mind?

Your spreading germs all over the shop -

[Lilacpink40]

My DCs (10 and 6) both like very sealed lips quick puckered kisses when saying bye to me. Nothing sexual, just what they've done since young and I don't think it's wrong. They like cheek kisses from others in family and just show a cheek up if people lean in. I don't think your MIL is being mean, I'd just smile and say "oh he loves kisses on hus cheeks'.

[AnythingMcAnythingface]

I do wonder if you would feel differently if the tables were flipped. Would you tell your DM to stop doing something entirely innocent if it was outside of DH comfort zone?

You'd have to find your own example and consider that as I don't know you, but try to find a comparison.

If I was holding your feelings about lip kisses and in your situation:

If ds was visibly distressed I'd intervene, "oh whoops, I don't think he likes that, I think he's more used to cheek kisses..." I would expect mil to back off.

But if he just finds it a bit strange because he's not used to it I would question my motivation for stopping it.

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

CodyKing they are making their immune systems better their body learns about new germs.

[Pagwatch]

You are explaining it Cally and, as ive said, I'm not aiming my comments at you. The 'mouth kissing is sexual' is not an original idea.
But I don't think it's logical and I think saying 'but it seems sexual so I'm uncomfortable' leaves the idea that it is sexual unchallenged.
Do you see what I mean.

It's not sexual. So being icky about it because it feels sexual is something that should be challenged shouldn't it? Because otherwise the idea that this sexual conduct is going on in front of you is even stranger.

It's not sexual. Viewing it as sexual is a bit of a slur on the people innocently kidding their kids/relatives.
Just saying 'but I'm uncomfortable so euwww' isn't that productive imho.

I'm not telling anyone how to feel but 'it's not sexual but I will silently judge as if it is' is the tone of some of the comments

[CodyKing]

Lovely sick bug going round schools at the mo - do keep passing it on in the name of building immune systems

Add a few cold sores and flu

Lovely - we all need germs

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

When they get to 11 that all stops my dd was not ill once.

[AnythingMcAnythingface]

Lovely - we all need germs

Absolutely spread that shit around!

Sincerely yours,
The anecdotal evidence for germs are good!

[callycat1]

I see what you mean but I also think sometimes how things feel can be so powerful that even though it bears little resemblance to how things are, the feeling is so uncomfortable that you just can't ignore it.

I went through a stage of needing a light on when I went to sleep. I knew it was ridiculous but I was really terrified in the dark, the light let me sleep even though I was hardly any safer for a 40watt bulb!

I guess this I s the same and people have different reasons why that's the case. But you can't just turn off those feelings you Have.

[Pagwatch]

Sure Cally

It quite interesting getting other views. I hope you realise I wasn't picking at you - I appreciate your comments even if we don't agree

[callycat1]

:) no worries, it's a prickly one for me

[Wayfarersonbaby]

There is nothing wrong with germs it makes their immune system stronger and they are less likely to be ill.

This isn't actually the case. Some germ exposure helps the immune system. Some damages it or can even cause permanent problems. It's not a case of all "germs" being the same.

The herpes coldsore virus is one bad thing you can pass on with mouth kissing - even if there are no visible coldsores people can shed the virus and pass it on and is probably how most people acquire coldsores in early life. The first infection can be really nasty in young children, with flu-like symptoms and a mount full of bleeding blisters, toddler/child unable to eat and in a lot of pain for several days. In neonates it can be fatal.

On another hand - dentists now think that the bacteria responsible for making some people prone to severe tooth decay are passed on to children from adults' mouths in early life - so it's now not recommended by dentists to kiss on the mouth, share cutlery or lick spoons (eg. "one spoon for baby, one for me" - or chewing/licking/eating any food before giving it to a baby or small child). Once colonised in the mouth those strains of bacteria are impossible to get rid of and can cause early tooth decay and loss.

Two good reasons amongst others for not kissing babies on the mouth. OP, I would feel the same - not just because I grew up in a cheek kissing family, but because my MIL (who has lost most of her teeth and always has bad breath!) was forever wanting to kiss DD on the mouth despite me asking her not to - yuck! The thought of her passing on her mouth bacteria to my baby was really vile!

Plus once the child is older than baby stage you really don't want anything back from what your toddler has been eating either ... just thinking of the number of times I catch my DD licking the bus windows/picking her nose and eating it after scratching her bottom etc.

[Marmelised]

I have concerns with this too. My grandfather kissed me on the lips. It was pure expression of grandparent affections so no issues. Nothing sexual.

Except there were issues and it was sexual and because of all the blinkered, blind emphasis on it being pure expression etc etc ad nauseum I had no where to go and no one to tell so over 40 years later still struggling with the repercussions.

But go ahead. Pour scorn on the people who are uncomfortable with their scaremongering. We're clearly all out of step. It's pure. Lovely and could never be anything else.
Yup
Like Cally I clearly have issues.

[glueandstick]

You only ever kiss my baby once on the nose or lips. She goes in for the kill when she reciprocates-sucks your nose and sticks her tongue up it!

[callycat1]

Don't worry Marmelised, I just think people who say stuff like that are the same people who insist sexual abuse of children doesn't happen.

You could say I have a few issues, being abused does tend to leave you with them. But they are my issues so I should just put up with people doing things that make me feel ill because I have ISSUES.

[Costacoffeeplease]

*Call 101 get this logged.

Deffo

[AnythingMcAnythingface]

Marmelised Noone will scorn you I hope. But you could say the same about many innocent behaviours... but I'm not going to go into that because i sense this is a very hard topic for you, understandably. I'm sorry that happened you.

But I won't surrender my right to show pure affection to my dd and allow it to be labelled as sexual, just because of the behaviour of perverted wronguns in the world.