To not want MIL to kiss my baby on the lips?

[Firsttimer82]

To be clear I have no problem with parents who kiss their babies/children on the lips, but we never did it in my family. We cuddle, there is a lot of formal and informal forehead kissing that goes on and plenty of cheek kissing. I have DS who is our only child so far and apart from when he launches himself open mouthed onto my face at random like babies do I have not gone in for lip kissing. I hadn't really thought about it until this week.

MIL has been to stay and has repeatedly grabbed the baby and kissed him on the lips. AAAArrrrrgh!!!! Ds clearly doesn't like it and I said to dh in the spirit of you control your parents i'll control mine, to get her to stop. He said "I'll tell her if she does it again." She did it again and no word from dh. It was all I could do to not push her onto the floor Miranda style! AIBU? Its flared up my instincts!!! How do I stop her?

[Wayfarersonbaby]

justgivemeamo you're welcome, I wish more people knew about it! The longer you can keep from transferring adult mouth bacteria to babies, the better the chances of preventing early tooth decay. There is lots about it all over the internet, eg.

www.aapd.org/assets/2/7/Education_-_Caries.pdf

www.parents.com/baby/health/baby-teeth/cavities/

US dentists are a bit more on the case about it than here in the UK.

[PickAChew]

YANBU. They have lovely soft cheeks and heads to nuzzle. No need to kiss on the lips.

I bloody hated it as a child.

[whathavewedonenow99]

My mil insisted on doing this to my DS. I asked her not to and she told me she was this grandmother and would continue to do it. I realised then I should pick my battles. Went on for a while until he started to turn his head away. Now he won't even hug her which is a bit sad but as he's now a teenager he's taking no chances in case she goes in for the lips :)

[CodyKing]

I don't know why some people don't go and live in an isolation tent and have their in parents in law shot the minute they get married.

Everyone is raised differently normal for OP is no mouth kissing - normal for MIL is mouth kissing -

You are allowed to have differences - and you are allowed to raise your child as you wish -

She's not shooting MIL she's asking is MIL is overstepping OP line of acceptable

[AnythingMcAnythingface]

Well, yes and no. I treat myself compassionately enough to see it was something I was doing wrong/had to do as part of her personal care and I addressed it. It wasn't intentional and no lasting harm was done, so I'll not beat myself up over a mistake from the past. I realised quite quickly.

If being told you are a victim makes you feel shit then right now you are still in a victim style of thinking. I am no one to you, if I'm wrong then just don't feel like shit, simple... if I'm right but it's painful do something about it.

If your idea of 'self' to you includes these experiences then that means to overcome them you have to change your very core 'self', which can be daunting.

[Gottagetmoving]

I don't know why some people don't go and live in an isolation tent and have their in parents in law shot the minute they get married.
The world is far too dangerous for them and their offspring....

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

Have you spoken to anyone about what happened to you. It will help to talk to someone about how you feel and what you went through. They are the monsters not you you owe it to yourself to heal.

[callycat1]

Bit different though as not cleaning a baby is a form of neglect whereas plenty of happy well adjusted people come from homes where they weren't kissed on the mouth.

Telling me I'm a victim by the way is making me feel fucking shit.

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

There is a book you can read called Rescuing the Inner Child: Therapy for Adults Sexually Abused as Children. I think you owe to yourself to start working on you and begin to heal. Don't be a victim kick arse and fight back.

[AnythingMcAnythingface]

callycat1 I get it I think, but you can get to a point where it doesn't anymore but it's all on you. No one can rescue you from your own head accept you.

I'll share a painful example. I had to work through serious hang up when dd was born as I was not cleaning her properly when I changed her nappy. I had hang ups that it made feel like I was like them to interfere with her in that way, even though my motive was good and I had a responsibility to tend to her (in this case physical) needs. Happily I got passed that, (although that did smart bringing it back into the present just there) but I do understand. But me understanding doesn't help, you understanding and changing a mindset does. You are keeping yourself a victim if you impose harsh rules on your life, based on what you experienced as a child.

You are not pathetic. You have so much control and you just need to reclaim it.

[callycat1]

I have plenty of empathy :)

I don't think it's playing the victim to still be a bit troubled by sexual abuse I experienced but maybe it is and I'm just pathetic. All I know is I don't like it.

[OlennasWimple]

SIBU not to take the opportunity of a good head sniff when she goes in for a kiss (foreheads are the best spot, I find, for this)

[IckleWicklePumperNickle]

God damit Their!!!

[IckleWicklePumperNickle]

Each to there own. My 8y still loves cuddles and kisses. My 4monthbold lived his kisses.

But little pecks = sexuality only I have no words

[justgivemeamo]

sorry op! touches a nerve with me!

[mollie123]

OP - I am with you - come from a hugging, kiss on cheek family which was the way we expressed our love and support for each other. But then I am an 'old gimmer'
my son was brought up with lots of hugs and kisses but never on the mouth.
I always kiss grandson on the head or cheek with an all embracing hug to go with it.
Every family is differant - I am surprised your MIL is not of the same generation - but unless child initiates kissing on the mouth (which some children do but often grow out of it - and would go euugh later in life) I would mention it to MIL.

[justgivemeamo]

Wayfarersonbaby Thu 29-Sep-16 23:45:17

I just cant thank you enough for this.

My FIl has been putting me in highly awkward position by sitting my dc on his lap and feeding them with his spoons and forks, ONCE AFTER AN OPERATION ON HIS MOUTH!!!

DH LOOKs at me like I am mad when I ask him to stop it.

you have now given me solid reason to ask them to stop it, and I can also make my elder dc read this and tell her GF.

Its probably too bloody late though

[justgivemeamo]

dentists now think that the bacteria responsible for making some people prone to severe tooth decay are passed on to children from adults' mouths in early life - so it's now not recommended by dentists to kiss on the mouth, share cutlery or lick spoons (eg. "one spoon for baby, one for me" - or chewing/licking/eating any food before giving it to a baby or small child). Once colonised in the mouth those strains of bacteria are impossible to get rid of and can cause early tooth decay and loss

Thank you,

My PILS share forks and spoons with the dc it makes me ill.

[AnythingMcAnythingface]

You are taking the term victim as an insult. It's not, it's an observation. In some ways you are even playing the victim that I dared suggest that. I wish you could see it, it really set me free from a lot of demons.

[justgivemeamo]

If you and your DH died tomorrow, in some freak accident, she's most likely one of a very very small number of people who would volunteer to raise your child

My Mil would LOVE IT if we could both shift of this planet to let her have a free run at our dc!
Op I totally get it, and tbh I went quite OCD with small babies, - quite rightly too, their immune systems are not strong yet and we are entering flu season.

I am afraid you will have to nip it in the bud. Try and say it in a nice way though, MIL docs said - best not to kiss on mouth - he saw me doing it and mentioned this....

My FIL is like this op - ALL OVER My DD's and it makes me cringe to the high heavens

[nbramley4]

I think the issue is that the child doesn't like it. He can't speak for himself, so you have to speak for him. Whatever you (or anyone else) feels about this situation, he doesn't like it, so you have to say something. If he was fine about it and kissed her back, I'd say you need to get over your own aversion (I have the same aversion by the way!), but as YOUR child doesn't like it, you have every right to step in and say so. Just something simple like 'sorry, but he doesn't really like kisses on the lips, I think cheeks are okay though and he loves hugs'. Then, if she continues, you might need to be a bit firmer. But your other half should be stepping up and saying something!

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

You have no empathy for other peoples feelings do you. Good luck to you.

[callycat1]

I'd just turn my face slightly so it was on the cheek. What would YOU do if your child tried to put his/her tongue in your mouth?

Also sunshine I'm really sorry - I am trying to be helpful - your is belonging to 'your child is over there' and you're is 'you are' 'you're being silly!'

[GinLimeandLemonade]

Kissing a willing older baby/toddler on the lips is fine. (Unless you're ill or whatever) My son's always trying to give me a dribbly kiss on the lips! Blergh.

However, forcing a child to kiss you on the lips when they don't want to just isn't on! I'm teaching my son he has the right to say no if he doesn't want kisses or cuddles. He often says no to my MIL giving him a kiss, probably because she's constantly picking him up and trying to get kisses off him and he gets a bit sick of it I think! I'm pretty vocal and when my son says "No!" at giving kisses and hugs when he doesn't want them I just say "That's fine, you don't have to if you don't want to, how about you wave/blow a kiss instead?" which he usually does quite happily.

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

Have you ever wondered if you're ds wanted a kiss. As you say you are dead set against it what message does that send out.