To want to bring my child

[Bumpasaurusmumma]

My closest friend is getting married and they've also asked me to be part of the bridal party, which I am honoured.
The issue I have is they've said no children.
Now I can understand this as they feel that people would have more 'fun' without their children there. Trouble is, I wouldn't because it is not a local wedding. It would require a whole weekend away from my child who will be two (just turned) 'by the time the wedding happens.

I have spoken to my husband and he feels the same. That we are a family unit and he doesn't want to be over 4.5 hours away just incase something happens.

Now I have tried to raise this concern with my friends and they just said let's see how things are in six months... all fair and well but I've planned a wedding myself and I'm aware that in six months everything will be booked and sorted, I also know I will feel the same. When they first told us, our child was a small baby and we hadn't attempted to find a childminder etc by that point and naively unaware of the difficulties of finding someone you trust, never mind willing for the whole weekend! So said it probably would be ok. They in turn said if we are having issues to let them know, which we have and they have still said no.

I'd happily pay for my child in terms of food etc...

When we got married (and were none the wiser about getting childminders etc...) we said no children ourselves except for certain exceptions (friends and family travelling several hours and spending the whole weekend) rather than being local and going home same night.

I'm not some precious mother who can't leave her child. We have been out for meals etc, I'm just not comfortable about a whole weekend and my husband feels the same. It wouldn't be feasible to travel there and back in one day.

The other option is to leave my hubby at home and go alone. Which I know they would also be upset by.

AIBU?

My ex was best man at a child free (ish) wedding, so I just went in the evening.

I wanted a child free wedding but DH has a niece and nephew so obviously couldn't. I am actually quite fond of my close friend's children so invited them as asked friend to be bridesmaid and also had niece and close friends daughter (she also has 2 sons) as flower girls.

But all the children at my wedding (5 in total) were a lot older than 2 (6 was the youngest) and could be relied on to behave. I'd have seriously have had to have re thought things if there had been the possibility of a 2 year old screeching away.

YABVVVVU and precious sorry. "Family unit"

I wouldn't bring a 2 year old to a wedding tbh. DS was 18 months when we went to a friend's wedding (DH was best man) and I've never been so stressed.

DS tried to dive into the stream next to the church, and was rescued by the chauffeur of the bridal car!

Definitely look into sitters.co.uk if you don't want to leave DC so far away.

Hardly a martyr, but for some of us a wedding isn't exactly fun. You are assuming I'd actually enjoy it. Not everyone enjoys a "night out" just like not everyone enjoys a football match. Each to their own.

I worked out pretty soon that I preferred a Saturday afternoon going for a nice walk with my child than attending any wedding.

In your place, I would go without your husband, dropping the family unit stuff when declining his invitation. However, given that you are clearly very unhappy about this and that they 'still said no' when you asked, you might be better not going at all. You can't give them what they want - both of you but no child - and the weak 'it would upset them' response also suggests that you really don't want to go alone.

Just decline on the grounds that you have nobody to look after your child. It may well piss them right off, especially when you restricted children at your wedding, but that's life. In their place I wouldn't want to force an unhappy guest into coming, whatever I thought of her reasons or her approach to parenting. People differ.

They have probably had some snotty responses about the child-free thing already anyway. We got a really snotty letter going on about their family unit, which was hilarious because they had a child-free wedding!

It doesn't matter whether you enjoy weddings or not. This is the OPs closest friend.

Just explain unfortunately you'll have to come on your own as you're not comfortable leaving your dc. That gives your friend the chance to say you can bring do after all not that I think they should, but it does give home the opportunity.

I doubt any friend would want you to come if you would prefer to be elsewhere.

Op, I'm not sure why you're getting such a hard time - I get why you're annoyed as they told you to let you know if there are any issues & now they're ignoring that. FWIW, I understand where you're coming from re leaving your DC for the weekend & also totally agree re using strangers from sitters etc - each to their own on that, but it most definitely would not be for me.

I'd tell them ASAP that you'll be going alone as you have no childcare. They can then either change their stance or accept your decision - they should not be annoyed at all that your DP won't be attending & it gives them time to reallocate his place or reduce their numbers by 1.

Hope it all works out ok.

*Hardly a martyr, but for some of us a wedding isn't exactly fun. You are assuming I'd actually enjoy it. Not everyone enjoys a "night out" just like not everyone enjoys a football match. Each to their own.

I worked out pretty soon that I preferred a Saturday afternoon going for a nice walk with my child than attending any wedding.*

Well put. I have many interests - which I generally enjoy most if I can do them with my children. I'd think of it as an imposition/major ask to be expected to spend the weekend without them. For my closest friend? I'd go to the wedding alone and get up at 6 the following morning to drive home. But it cuts both ways - I'm pretty sure that my closest friend wouldn't ask us to come and leave our kids at home!

I have this next year cousin getting wed 3 hrs away, 3 DC youngest will be just 1. All my family going to wedding n DHs are abroad so we wouldn't have an overnight babysitter I'll go on my own - no drama! It's not like I won't know anyone lol. Tho DH is saying to leave options open we still might sort a sitter (not sure how ) We brought our invited 3 yr & 1 yr old to a wedding once it was a nightmare. The 3 yr old kept asking to go home he was bored.

YANBU. I wouldn't leave a child that age for a whole weekend personally, unless they were extremely used to being left. What's the point anyway, the child's misery and hurt at it would massively outweigh any pleasure the bride and groom would get from you being there. Your obligation to your child is more important than your friend. Don't make a big thing out of it, just decline the invite and say your child won't be ready to be left for such a long time. If they don't accept that they are crap friends.

I have not attended weddings when my son hasn't been invited. Sometimes I can't organise childcare and sometimes I don't want to go without him if we're particularly close to bride and groom.

If they are having a child free wedding then they must expect that some guests cannot make it.

I think some of the replies on this have been rather mean. I do agree it's the B&G's choice to have a child free (or nearly child free) wedding and that the OP cannot force them to agree to her DD attending but I completely understand why she's upset about it all: 1) from her posts it's seems there is some flexibility with kids and given her closeness to the groom and her family situ I can see why she feels the B&G are being a little mean & 2) there's just the whole feeling that your kids are being 'rejected' - it's irrational in a way as I agree toddlers at weddings are often a pita but it's a family even and you cannot bring your closest family? It may be irrational but it still hurts. I also totally understand the OPs reluctance to use local unknown sitters or leave her DD for an entire weekend. Of course her DD may well be fine, but parenting is worrying!

Anyway, all this leads me to conclude that the OP should not press the issue with the B&G or leave it hanging for 6 months (it'll be stressful). Therefore she has 2 options: refuse invite completely or go alone. She shouldn't worry about offending the B&G (as much as a childfree wedding is their choice, parenting choices are the OPs) but chose based on what she wants to do. I recently decided to go to a childfree wedding alone as I figured it would be fun as I knew quite a lot of the other guests but if I knew less I think I would have declined to go at all - I agree with other posters that it's not much fun to be without DH if you don't know many people. I also doubt I'd have gone alone if it was really far away meaning I'd be gone all weekend - family time is really precious to me but for this wedding it was doable in a day trip. Overall though I feel so sorry for the OP that the B&G seem to be causing angst over choosing to go alone or not at all - they can never know her circumstances fully and should but out. I was having a great time at the childfree wedding til late on in the evening when a friend (who is often a total pita) asked nosily why DH wasn't there and why couldn't we find alternative childcare. That was none of her business, we found the solution best for us.

The only reason to have a child at all is because you really want it. Some people are happy with one but quite often onlys arise out of the situation, divorce or secondary infertility. There are loads of advantages to having one and advantages of having more, so logic can be argued for both positions. But this is not really a logical decision. It's what you want and what fits into your family that matters. At the end of the day do what you feel is right for you, your husband and most importantly the child you have

Tallula, mine is nearly 2 and she would not settle for a stranger. Sometimes she won't even settle for DH - it has to be me and my hair to twiddle with!!

I do agree with the 'invite not a summons' sentiment. You don't have to go. You can say no if it doesn't suit you for whatever reason.

But don't be the sort of person that has to attend everything as a 'family unit'. Your autonomy and sense of individuality is important.

Did the groom take you up on the offer to be a godparent?

Why do you think the b&g would be upset if dh didn't attend the wedding? It sounds as if you are close enough that the groom would know that asking family to help out wouldn't be an option especially as it is so far from home. Is it because they are concerned about you not having anyone to sit/socialise with after your bridal duties are finished? Or does it muck up their seating plan? Or are friends with children dropping out so they are getting low on numbers? Or are they likely to get upset that having told guests they'll have more fun without their children being present people are deciding they'd rather be with their children than at the wedding? Or have they said they'd be disappointed if dh didn't come but with an unspoken understanding that you might not have a choice because of the childcare?

If your dh is very protective of the family unit staying together would he be unhappy about you going on your own? Would you not go without him and if so is this another reason why they might be upset?

YABU to expect them to change their plans to accommodate you but they ADBU if they get upset that you can't both come as a result.

Hardly a martyr, but for some of us a wedding isn't exactly fun. You are assuming I'd actually enjoy it. Not everyone enjoys a "night out" just like not everyone enjoys a football match. Each to their own.

Fine for an acquaintance but if that's your attitude to an event that's really important to a close friend then don't be surprised if you don't have many close friends.

You can't/won't leave your child with your husband for two days? REALLY?

YANBU - it's very annoying how in this day and age everyone just expects you to leave young children for long periods of time like it's the norm. Yes it's their wedding and so they can choose how they want it to be but they can't get annoyed if you decline as you don't want the leave your child (but they will).
If you aren't comfortable leaving your DC for a weekend don't go. Other alternative is all of you go to the place for the weekend and you go on your own leaving DC and OH to have nice day but then your DC is there when you get back to hotel/accommodation. If you could find a local babysitter then maybe your OH could come for part of day then too.
I honestly don't think people without children or people that are more happy to leave their kids know what a dilemma they cause other parents. You want to be there for your friend but don't want it to be at the expense of your DC.

What is going to happen in 4.5 hours? If dc has an accident and is taken to a and e you can be back in time to see him with head stitched up. .. if he gets a fever so bad he needs hospital dh can take him and you can be in touch by phone til you get there. What other scenarios are there?
What is the worst that could happen where 4.5 hours would change everything and how likely is it to happen?
(Unless dc has medical issues in which case might be different...)

... if you want to go. Go. Go alone.
If you prefer to stay home then decline.

Personally I think that members of the bridal company should be allowed to bring kids.

I think they're the last people that should be bringing their kids. I went to one wedding where the bridesmaid rang the bride two days before the wedding and said she wouldn't come if she couldn't bring her 3 year old. Child could have been left with her husband, or her parents, or her in-laws, but she 'couldn't face the day without him there'. Bride had no real choice but to agree. As they walked up the aisle, child starting screaming 'mummy' at the top of his lungs. The father eventually let the child go and he ran up the front where mummy picked him up and started cooing to him and bouncing him around, whilst the bride and groom were trying to say their vows. Child went over to the piano and started banging on it and child's father just came up and started taking photos of the child. She carried him back down the aisle with her when they were walking out, the child refused to leave her, so every photo with that bridesmaid in it has the child attached to her hip. At the dinner, the child put on such a tantrum about being separated from mummy that the father of the bride ended up sitting in the toddler's seat and the child got to sit at the top table. When the bride and groom were doing their first dance, child ran out on the dance floor and started prancing around trying to get attention and bridesmaid was laughing and pointing him out to everyone. Mother of the bride suggested that the child was removed from the dance floor just during this one dance, and mummy pouted and accused mother of the bride of hating children and said 'bet you'll be a horrible boring grandmother'. Before the cake cutting, child put on such a tantrum that mummy went and got a knife and cut a piece out of the back of the cake and gave it to him. Child eventually fell asleep laying on mummy and she tried to get the DJ to turn the music down so as not to disturb him.

Bridal party should be focused on their role, and if they can't be without their child for the day, then they should decline.

Midnite horrendous I bet she and the bride have never spoken since.

That said I've never attended a child free wedding ever or seen it on an invite. And I've been to very different weddings. And of the last 2 I've attended I can think of 6 guests apiece who simply couldn't have gone under those conditions.

To be fair, I'd be utterly on the OP's side had she and her own DH not done the same for their own wedding, there's a lot of MY BIG DAY goes on and who cares who' s inconvenienced and I have no fucks to give or thoughts on whether those I want at MY BIG DAY can get childcare.

She wanted that, and now knows how very unreasonable it was.

Three close friends got married the year I had my baby. I didn't go to any of the weddings. Nobody died. It's one day. Send a present.
If they are expecting you to be bridesmaid or something, that's different, go without husband. Again, it's one day and they'll just have to understand, it's not ideal but it's a compromise. I can totally understand not wanting little children at a wedding though.