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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to bring my child

301 replies

Bumpasaurusmumma · 27/09/2016 16:59

My closest friend is getting married and they've also asked me to be part of the bridal party, which I am honoured.
The issue I have is they've said no children.
Now I can understand this as they feel that people would have more 'fun' without their children there. Trouble is, I wouldn't because it is not a local wedding. It would require a whole weekend away from my child who will be two (just turned) 'by the time the wedding happens.

I have spoken to my husband and he feels the same. That we are a family unit and he doesn't want to be over 4.5 hours away just incase something happens.

Now I have tried to raise this concern with my friends and they just said let's see how things are in six months... all fair and well but I've planned a wedding myself and I'm aware that in six months everything will be booked and sorted, I also know I will feel the same. When they first told us, our child was a small baby and we hadn't attempted to find a childminder etc by that point and naively unaware of the difficulties of finding someone you trust, never mind willing for the whole weekend! So said it probably would be ok. They in turn said if we are having issues to let them know, which we have and they have still said no.

I'd happily pay for my child in terms of food etc...

When we got married (and were none the wiser about getting childminders etc...) we said no children ourselves except for certain exceptions (friends and family travelling several hours and spending the whole weekend) rather than being local and going home same night.

I'm not some precious mother who can't leave her child. We have been out for meals etc, I'm just not comfortable about a whole weekend and my husband feels the same. It wouldn't be feasible to travel there and back in one day.

The other option is to leave my hubby at home and go alone. Which I know they would also be upset by.

AIBU?

OP posts:
allowlsthinkalot · 28/09/2016 11:14

Of course he can be trusted purple. But she would be distressed and not know where I was.

Notonthestairs · 28/09/2016 11:14

Is the issue that you don't like leaving your child with your DH for a night or that you don't enjoy socialising without your DH and child with you?

Jimminy · 28/09/2016 11:24

Are the bride and groom from the area in which the wedding is being held? Is there accommodation at the venue? If so, could you stay there overnight and would bride/groom know someone local who could babysit for you? Or otherwise you and DH could take turns to look after DC in your room.

CharChar01 · 28/09/2016 13:52

Yes! You are being unreasonable!

Your CLOSEST friend gave you 2 years notice of the fact that it was a child free wedding. & you agreed to that!
Children change the tone of a wedding, yes, they are very cute & can provide adorable entertainment but the fact is that your friend would prefer it was an adult affair where ALL the guests can let their hair down with no one running the risk of falling over little ones or behaving in a way that is not child appropriate.
If I were the bride then I would be hugely disappointed that this was only becoming an issue two years down the line & so close to the big day.

At the end of the day it is not your call to make.

Realhousewivesofshit · 28/09/2016 13:57

Natslia Grin

I wouldn't have left one of mine with an unknown baby sitter, nanny either not at 2 but not leaving with her daddy is a bit odd. That would be more mums preference than the child's I think.

Op you know what you should go by yourself and support your mate. Honestly I bet you will actually enjoy a night away and out.

Floey · 28/09/2016 17:29

Excellent

Janey50 · 28/09/2016 17:35

I can understand your issues OP,but if they make an exception for YOU,they will have to do the same for everyone,thus defeating the point of a 'child-free wedding'. Or maybe they wouldn't make exceptions for others,and end up pissing everyone off!

KelsN · 28/09/2016 17:43

We took my inlaws to France to look after my 5 week old (my first) for a wedding of very close friends and I pumped (as I was breastfeeding) between key parts of the day and my FIL even drove up from the hotel in the evening to collect the next batch. Two other wedding, one my first at 3 months and the other with my third at 5 weeks (so 3 kids to cover) we found solutions of either bringing someone or arranging for a mix of childcare and family to help.
In short I think having an issue with getting a solution for one 2.5 year old at a no kids wedding with 6 months notice is being unreasonable.
Either - A. go solo, B. get family to stay over (if that's feasible) and have a wonderful childfree weekend and a lie in or C. take 2.5 year old with you and either get a babysitter there (they can probably get a friend to recommend) or get a room for your babysitter/family member and take someone along - maybe stay at a cheaper hotel than the wedding party if that helps. You need to decide how much you want to go, it's their day and even if your child was allowed to go they'd have a rubbish time and you'd spend the whole time looking after her and not even finishing a sentence, let alone getting to catch up with friends.

itsbetterthanabox · 28/09/2016 17:48

I do think child free weddings aren't fair on people. If you care about someone enough to have them as a guest at your wedding then surely you care about their child too.

Bergs30 · 28/09/2016 17:50

Why don't you make a weekend of it and maybe take your or your husbands parents to watch the kids on day of wedding. I have seen quite a few people doing that. It is their wedding their choice, just like it is your choice to accept or decline their invite.

brasty · 28/09/2016 17:52

Why would you care about their child and be happy to have a playgroup at your wedding?

CatNip2 · 28/09/2016 17:57

I personally think people say no children because it can become a bit of a riot. For some families a get together full of wild excited children sliding on the dance floor on their knees and falling asleep on the chairs is fabulous, to others they view it as lots of children getting over tired and having tantrums. YABU to expect her to change her mind over the no children policy. Either go, or decline but it's her party.

Personally I wouldn't be too keen in children unde six or seven at al all day wedding event either. I didn't bring my DS to by oldest and best friend's wedding because, well, he wasn't interested and I didn't Want with the hassle or the embarrassment if he acted up in church or at the reception.

objectsintherearviewmirror · 28/09/2016 18:01

I wouldn't say you were unreasonable to not want to leave your child for a whole weekend, or to struggle to find childcare. That certainly doesn't make you a precious mother who won't leave your child.
However, YABU to expect them to make an exception for you and to be a bit miffed about the fact they don't want your child there - it's their wedding, they can have any kind of wedding they want. I don't think offering to pay for your child is the point - they want a child free wedding, they are entitled to have one. Either go or don't go, but don't expect or ask them to change their wedding plans for you.

Nessie100 · 28/09/2016 18:02

Their choice.

You are being "precious".

Go, or don't. But don't expect them to change THEIR idea of THEIR wedding to suit YOU!!

I say this as a person who is having a surprise wedding next wk, and doing it OUR way - anyone who's pissed about it can go jump Wink

brasty · 28/09/2016 18:04

I was never taken to a wedding as a child, and I was very well behaved. Weddings are generally boring for small children. It is fine if you get married young before lots of your friends have had kids. But if it is when your friends have kids, it is easy to end up with 15 to 20 young kids who understandably just want to play.

NataliaOsipova · 28/09/2016 18:09

I don't think I'd say that child free weddings aren't fair, but I do find them (personally) a bit irritating, especially when most people are getting married with the expectation of having their own children; it's like it's not really in the spirit of it (if that makes sense?). The whole "it's my big day" thing has gone too far, in my opinion. I was really happy to have so many of my family and friends come to my wedding; many came hundreds of miles and stayed in a hotel for the weekend (and all the usual malarkey). Therefore I very much felt that I should consider their convenience when making arrangements for the day too, which included people's particular family arrangements. I completely respect anyone's decision to invite whomever they wish, though, so I wouldn't be upset if my children weren't included in an invitation - but I would probably decline politely. And I would think it was unreasonable if anyone was upset that I didn't go.

Craigie · 28/09/2016 18:09

Go without your child, or don't go.

Headofthehive55 · 28/09/2016 18:14

been to lots of weddings where there has been children, including my own wedding and have not noticed any bad behaviour!

Headofthehive55 · 28/09/2016 18:16

I think it's unreasonable if someone is upset just because you didn't go!

Daydream007 · 28/09/2016 18:17

They don't live in the real world clearly. If you can't go be upfront and tell them why. They don't want kids there and you can't leave yours so the only option is to decline the invite.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 28/09/2016 18:20

Do we know that the bride and groom are gutted about OP not attending? Or will they just, ya know, get on with their day

NataliaOsipova · 28/09/2016 18:24

I thought the same as you re behaviour Headofthehive - but it could be that we are just lucky! I know a friend of mine was really quite upset as her BIL arranged to be "on duty" with her nephews and took them out to play in front of the church as soon as one of them wriggled....while her awful SIL let her two screech and scream throughout the service. Heard other examples of bad behaviour on this thread too. I suppose it's the same as the cash bar dilemma at receptions. I've always thought it was really mean to do that, but then I heard a story about another friend's rugby club mates who completely took the mickey and ran up a bill of thousands. All depends on who you are inviting, I suppose.

FitnessFad · 28/09/2016 18:25

OP, from your responses it sounds like you are now annoyed that the majority of posters are telling you that you are indeed being unreasonable!!

nannygoat50 · 28/09/2016 18:43

Yes you are being unreasonable . 2 year olds are difficult at weddings and if nobody can bring children. Why are you making it difficult for your friend saying you want to bring yours?? It's their wedding either you go without child or don't go . Sorry to be blunt but that is the choice

mumofthemonsters808 · 28/09/2016 18:51

If I was in this situation, I'd have to bring my children because there is literally no one to mind them, their Grandparents are dead and I'd feel very uneasy asking my sister or one of my friends who all work shifts to give up their weekend. I don't know the school mums or my neighbours well enough and I'm uncomfortable using paid sitters I don't know. So I'd have to decline, maybe we could go separately. If I had the childcare I'd jump at the chance.