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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to bring my child

301 replies

Bumpasaurusmumma · 27/09/2016 16:59

My closest friend is getting married and they've also asked me to be part of the bridal party, which I am honoured.
The issue I have is they've said no children.
Now I can understand this as they feel that people would have more 'fun' without their children there. Trouble is, I wouldn't because it is not a local wedding. It would require a whole weekend away from my child who will be two (just turned) 'by the time the wedding happens.

I have spoken to my husband and he feels the same. That we are a family unit and he doesn't want to be over 4.5 hours away just incase something happens.

Now I have tried to raise this concern with my friends and they just said let's see how things are in six months... all fair and well but I've planned a wedding myself and I'm aware that in six months everything will be booked and sorted, I also know I will feel the same. When they first told us, our child was a small baby and we hadn't attempted to find a childminder etc by that point and naively unaware of the difficulties of finding someone you trust, never mind willing for the whole weekend! So said it probably would be ok. They in turn said if we are having issues to let them know, which we have and they have still said no.

I'd happily pay for my child in terms of food etc...

When we got married (and were none the wiser about getting childminders etc...) we said no children ourselves except for certain exceptions (friends and family travelling several hours and spending the whole weekend) rather than being local and going home same night.

I'm not some precious mother who can't leave her child. We have been out for meals etc, I'm just not comfortable about a whole weekend and my husband feels the same. It wouldn't be feasible to travel there and back in one day.

The other option is to leave my hubby at home and go alone. Which I know they would also be upset by.

AIBU?

OP posts:
dowhatnow · 28/09/2016 00:22

When you say DH won't be going they'll probably back down. They are hoping you'll sort something out though.

PikachuBoo · 28/09/2016 00:29

I guess by the number of you who suggest weekend childcare that you've never actually had to pay for it. The going rate for 24 hours round here is £150. Qualified nannies expect £200.

This is why I suggested a babysitter local to the wedding. I've been in the situation where no family carers could help - when mine were little my MIL was always looking after my very ill FIL and my own mum had a number of demands including my own father's then failing health.

Twice we asked her to come down to the wedding and stay, at our expense, at the wedding to look after our babies, but she wasn't able to. The one time she did do it we'd been able to give her way more than six months notice. Putting grandma in the hotel is cheaper than a 24 hour babysitter but it isn't always possible. We don't all have the option of a local extended family - both mine and husband's families are dispersed and the babies were simply not familiar with enough people to manage an overnight stay. Surely this is quite common?

OP please do reconsider getting a local babysitter for the wedding ceremony and party - toddlers are a pain in the tit at westings. I had nieces, nephews and babes-in-arms at mine and was happy with it but my vicar ticked me off at their behaviour!

As a parent it's nice to go out with your partner without your child. Of course you are a family unit, but there are times and places for toddlers.

WhisperingWind · 28/09/2016 00:31

I'm sorry but YABU.

It's your friends prerogative to have a child free wedding and in an honesty a two year old at a wedding?? No way. Especially when they want a more fun adult type of celebration. Also- you say you'd pay for the food why even mention that, it's obviously not about the cost of a meal for your child!

Don't put pressure on your friend to accommodate your toddler. If you feel you can't go decline but don't make her feel bad about it.

crazywriter · 28/09/2016 00:42

They've said child free and that's their choices you can't throw a tantrum because you want to take your 2yo and they don't follow what you did. My best friend had a child free wedding but said he'd understand if I wanted to bring my DD who was 1 at the time. I fully respected his choice and arranged for my mum to look after DD 150 miles away from the wedding. And we had to drive 200 miles just to get to my parents (out of the ways of the wedding). Extra driving for us but worth it for the child free time with DH and friends from school I hadn't seen in years.

Peanutandphoenix · 28/09/2016 00:57

YABU you have 3 options 1 find a baby sitter and go and have a good weekend 2 leave your husband at home and go on your own or option 3 don't go the choice is yours but you can't expect your friend to let you bring you child if it's a child free wedding it's not your wedding so it's not your decision.

fishandlilacs · 28/09/2016 07:23

There's a subtext here. You both want to go but haven't sorted childcare.

Not the bridal party's fault.

Sorry but one of you is going to have to duck out.

Bishybishybarnabee · 28/09/2016 07:24

Boiing; What's the point anyway, the child's misery and hurt at it

Dramatic much? Misery and hurt, who on earth are you leaving them with?!

On the topic of the OP, they've made their choice in that they want a childr free wedding, it's not fair to try to get them to change that. So you're options are to find childcare, go along while DH stays with DD, or not go at all.

Mycraneisfixed · 28/09/2016 07:31

Your friend has been as polite as possible to you about wanting a child free wedding so respect her wishes. Neither your DD nor your DH will suffer from a weekend without you and you may even enjoy yourself. If you try.

pictish · 28/09/2016 09:19

Midnite I'd say that was an extreme example, not of a child at a wedding, but of a blinkered, ill-mannered parent at a wedding.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 28/09/2016 09:26

NRFT but you lost me at "we are a family unit" OP ...
That's going on my shovel list that is..
I can't understand why you would leave your child with his/her own father for a weekend! (Unless further down the thread it turns out he is a raving loony or a drug addict...? )
I went to my very good friends wedding when my dc was 2. It was 300 miles away, and I left said dc with my mum for whole. I had a lovely time. You might too?

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 28/09/2016 09:27

*whole weekend

Glitterspy · 28/09/2016 09:33

Take the child, rent a holiday apartment/self catering cottage near the venue, install a grandparent/local babysitter/close friend, check back in shifts. We've done this several times in various iterations for far-flung child free weddings. Works a treat.

Only1scoop · 28/09/2016 09:38

Glitter yes that's what I also said, we have done this when dd was about same age. In fact she was invited but we still did this. We all had a great time.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 28/09/2016 09:38

Haven't read the whole thread but as you are part of the wedding party I would go but leave your two yr old at home with DH.
Alternatively you all go - find some self catering accommodation near the wedding venue and arrange that a combination of your DH and a local sitter/ nanny/ childminder look after your child for some or all of the period of the wedding.

Realhousewivesofshit · 28/09/2016 09:40

childs mystery and hurt

Dramatic much. My grandson has a ball when he's left with us I can assure you.

Op you have had loads of options put to you,

What will you do?

NataliaOsipova · 28/09/2016 09:54

Dramatic much. My grandson has a ball when he's left with us I can assure you.

RealHousewives Not only do I believe you, I sincerely wish that you were my MIL! But if you don't have family willing/able to help for that amount of time, then you are a bit stuck. I'm surprised at the number of people suggesting the OP finds a random babysitter out of the phone book. While I have bo doubt said person would be checked/qualified, I don't think it's unreasonable to think that the child might be uncomfortable being left with a total stranger when she is used to her mum being around.

Bogglechops · 28/09/2016 09:58

When I got married we said no children. We made an exception for one 2 month old, and some friends who had young twins - we knew there was absolutely nobody they could ask to look after them. Comments were made from some guests who didn't bring their kids. But if everyone had have brought their kids it would have been like a bloody playgroup and hugely more expensive. God I'm glad i don't have to do that again, you can never please everyone, it was such a pain in the arse!

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 28/09/2016 10:01

I don't think people are suggesting you go through the phone book - maybe the staff/ manager/ wedding organiser at the venue could recommend some one or even the bride if she lives in the area local to the venue. When I got married three hours from our home children were invited but some guests had very small children who they didn't want there all day so we asked the manager of the venue for local recommended babysitters and our friends rented an apartment nearby and used a local sitter. It's not complicated. Worked absolutely fine.

NataliaOsipova · 28/09/2016 10:14

As a general rule, I don't see the problem. Say "no kids" at your wedding - entirely up to you. But then don't bitch when people you have invited who have kids don't come.

Same thing in reverse. You're invited to a wedding without your kids? You want to go and you have available and appropriate childcare? Good for you. You don't want to go without your kids? Don't go. You want to go but don't want to leave your kids with (eg) an agency babysitter? Still don't go.

I do think people have been a bit rotten to the OP here, though, both in terms of trying to impose their own preferences on her and implying she's somehow lacking for not wanting to do that ("Just get a babysitter out of the phone book! What's your problem, woman?) - but also in a lack of understanding for the dilemma she is in. Obviously this isn't just the wedding of cousin Flo you see every couple of years who won't notice if you're there and will be happy with a card and a gift voucher to keep the peace. It's a very close friend, who wants her to be an important part of the day. So she obviously feels that the "thanks but no thanks - and John Lewis voucher" is an inappropriate response. Plus - and in all fairness to her - the close friend will know her situation and how she feels about it. He must know he is putting her in a difficult position. We all - basically - know what backup childcare our good friends have (eg Sue's mum lives round the corner and loves having her kids, but Louise's parents and inlaws are in Australia etc etc). She has told this friend she is struggling - but has had her answer - child not welcome. In her shoes, I would simply decline - kindly and regretfully - and put my family first.

allowlsthinkalot · 28/09/2016 10:28

I have an almost two year old and I wouldn't leave her for a whole weekend even with dh who is an excellent dad. And she is dc4, not pfb either.

What I would do in this situation is go for the weekend as a family but attend the wedding alone leaving dd with dh.

I think ywbu to push for dd to be allowed to attend the wedding.

allowlsthinkalot · 28/09/2016 10:30

I definitely wouldn't leave my two year old, or even my older children, with someone none of us have met before

PurpleDaisies · 28/09/2016 10:30

I have an almost two year old and I wouldn't leave her for a whole weekend even with dh who is an excellent dad.

Your dh can't be trusted with his own daughter for the weekend? Confused

NataliaOsipova · 28/09/2016 10:41

It's not a question of trust, Purple. It's a question of what is unsettling for the child. I would have said the same thing. Obviously, when I was rushed into hospital, I did end up doing exactly that.....and of course it was fine, although she was confused about where I was and what was happening and consisted of a diet of breadsticks and Babybels for the whole time. I wouldn't have chosen to do so, though. Different families have different dynamics and different "normals" (if that doesn't sound crap!).

pictish · 28/09/2016 10:49

I wouldn't have left any of mine with a babysitter unknown to us. I would (and have, many times) go on my own and leave dh and dd behind. It's the most sensible solution.

tootyflooty · 28/09/2016 10:56

could you bring a family member who usually babysits, and put them up in the same hotel as you, they can do the child minding, and you can have your dc back in your room overnight, might cost a bit more, but you could then do the child free wedding while not having left them as such?