Not invited to friend's wedding. What to do?

[backtothegrindstone]

An old friend has not invited me to their wedding and I'm feeling upset. We were flat mates at uni and whilst we're not close enough to call each other all the time, 18 years later we still see each other from time to time. She came to my wedding 6 years ago, and also to both my kids christenings and we have occasional play dates with our kids and they go to each others birthday parties. I know her fiancée well enough too. I was really surprised not to be invited to her wedding but have been biding my time in case a late invite comes through. The wedding is this weekend and nothing has arrived. It's not your conventional wedding- more if a creative, festival/woodland type thing so I can't imagine numbers are heavily limited and another friend who i'd have considered less close to them has been invited. Frankly, I'm really quite upset, especially as she's posting about it on Facebook every ten minutes. I know it's not good form to say anything right now and spoil her wedding, but at some point after I would like her to understand that I am upset about it. I'm not good at confrontation and o don't think I could approach her face to face or on the phone but at the very least I'd really like to make a quite pointed dig when commenting on her Facebook photos when the wedding pics go up. Im quite sure that if I'm not invited to her wedding then clearly the friendship doesn't mean enough to her to be worth continuing with so I then intend to unfriendly her and be done with the friendship for ever. But what's a good thing to say?

Ideas for a really good comment please!!!

Do you think perhaps she just assumes you will be there????

OP i think this must be a really awful situation for you. I'd be so hurt. I don't think I'd be able to resist replying to her and saying that I hope she has a lovely day but i have to be honest, I'm hurt that I'm not invited. If you're not going to go forward with the friendship anyway it's not like it's going to spoil anything. The wondering would do me in!

Roussette, you've no idea how much I wanted to reply "erm, no, I don't think you will". I didn't though. But I still want to

Do it in your head and keep to the moral high ground

I can absolutely see why you are hurt..

The bride can invite who she likes however that doesn't mean others around don't have feelings.

Are you sure you are not invited though..See you on the other side might mean the reception.. I didn't see your original message you sent..

One thing I would say ..your values are not the values of everyone else..

Exactly backtothe. Unless she has one lonely brain cell, she will know. And she will think she's got away with it. You have done absolutely the right thing because the lead up to the wedding should be a happy time, even if this is so unfair for you, but for the sake of the past friendship, it's good you have done nothing. However, after the event, she may just realise she buggered up a friendship.

You poor thing. It is never nice to find out that we are not as important to someone as they are to us. I'm sure most of us will have experienced this (I know I have and it's incredibly painful!).

You have kept the moral high ground by sending the nice message. Now just unfollow her and do your best to focus your energy on the people who really value you. Don't give her any ammunition to say "Well I did the right thing not inviting her", but equally, as you have said don't make her your priority when you are just an option to her.

I hope you feel a little less sh!tty soon x

I'd be hurt too
I'd send a card
Then see what happens
If she doesn't contact you, then I'd accept that the friendship has run its course.

Sorry if this has already been asked but have you found out for certain that you haven't been invited? What if invitations were posted and for some reason yours didn't get delivered and she's wondering why you haven't RSVPed and you are wondering why she didn't invite you? Can you check with someone like the bride's mum or someone?

Why should she say congratulations, Rose.

See you on the other side is what I said to someone who messaged saying good luck who was invited.

Are you sure you definitely haven't just orally agreed you will be there in one way or another as far as she is concerned? We never got invited to immediate family or very close friends weddings as they knew we were going.

If definitely not, then she's not worth your time and you should walk away.

I'm sure I'm not invited Banana and Mrs Ham. There was an emailed save the date which I didn't get. Then a proper invite which I also didn't get. So two bites of the cherry. I'm pretty sure.

Ah just saw you sent a message, her reply was insincere.
Scrub the card. Move on.

And don't feel bad for feeling hurt/ upset.

Yes I also said "see you on the other side" to someone who was invited. I know that's probably confusing the issue now though

Those who say careerist invitations wouldn't happen?
Hell of course they can. An ex friend of mine was very much like that....
She admitted it though....

She 100% hasn't been invited. She hasn't received anything inviting her and has had no call or text checking that she can make it.

OP - I missed your "see you on the other side" reply. Wow. What a lack of awareness and sensitivity. I'm so sorry.

My DM did this to her oldest friends at her wedding recently. My DM is very into "appearances" . If you don't fit the " type" you are very much in the background ( me included ' cause I'm not " posh" nor do I wear Boden Fatstuff).
I'm guessing your so called friend is a bit of a narrow minded snob.
Plenty of lovely genuine people out there worthy of your friendship.
Let it go, let it go....

See I would have said I was upset. True friends should be able to understand why!

I would have said something like
"Hi, just wanted to congratulate you on your forthcoming wedding. A bit sad that I will not get to see you on your special day, but I understand. Can't wait to see all of the amazing photos afterwards! We must catch up soon so you can tell me all about your big day X"

"isn't it just a natural thing that sometimes in life we like people more than they like us and vice versa?"

Not after 18 years of friendship! We should know what our friends think of us.

"or do you kids have allergies" jeez thanks, nice to have confirmation that your children having life-threatening medical conditions makes it OK for friends to drop you like a hot brick.

"See you on the other side" - hmm. My analysis of this phrase is as follows:

I haven't bothered to invite backtothegrindstone to the wedding
She might be offended
I don't want her to be offended as she might withdraw her friendship and her friendship has been useful to me in the past
But its my wedding I haven't invited her to!
How can she not be offended?
I could invite her...
Nah!
I know what I'll do!
I'll post lots of stuff on facebook about what hard work it all is!
That'll make her realise that weddings are tough and not being invited can be a compliment.
Yeah!
Yeah yeah!
But look! She hasn't responded with sympathy.
She hasn't posted "oh poor you, how will you cope with having all those people crowding round you wishing you well"
She has just wished me well herself
WTF?
She doesn't get it.
So I have sent her a message "see you on the other side."
That emphasises to her just how HARD this is for me.
This dressing up in a beautiful dress, marrying the man of my dreams, surrounded by love and good will, is the equivalent of a squadron of Spitfires taking off during the Blitz.
She will totally understand, accept that I am doing her a favour sparing her this terrible ordeal and welcome me and my 3500 photos with open arms in 6 weeks' time.
Job well done.

I would make lots of lovely comments about the photos, so she thinks she's still in favour.

Then I'd cut her dead.

But then I'm a bitch like that.

YANBU, at all.

YANBU that sucks and is hurtful. Slip away from the friendship.

We had the opposite, a close friend of my DH's decided to text us the morning of our wedding to cite "stomach trouble" (we kind of expected it as he is flakey) - we got replacement guests and haven't bothered with him since.

Op, some people who use this forum are just idiots with zero emotional intelligence or empathy skills. Nothing you have written is remotely off, certain people just get off on always typing some superior and up their own arse bollocks and picking at the odd phrase or word out of context, like they can get an entire personal profile on you from a few sentences. I liken it to the way bullies bully to make themselves feel better, please don't let the twats get you down, you already are having a tough evening.

I have had similar thing, old family friend came to me asking me to provide services for their wedding, I agreed and charged nothing as I assumed I'd be on the guest list (not day guest but evening, they had a huge venue for which they were well under capacity for even without the enviable last minute no show guests) in the end I didn't get so much as a Facebook thank you let alone an invite, all after spending 3 days styling their day, for free. I was gob smacked and a little hurt as lots of family and friends were there.

As for see her on the other side....erm no, I think not

BackToTheGrindstone - your feelings are valid. Don't let a few posters try to tell you otherwise. Honestly, I despair reading MN sometimes.

Maybe this, maybe that, maybe the next thing. Just shut up and let the op process what has happened.

See you on the other side....

Erm, no. You will be being poked by Devils and getting crispy in the flames. I, however, have angel wings and a cloud all picked out.