Not invited to friend's wedding. What to do?

[backtothegrindstone]

An old friend has not invited me to their wedding and I'm feeling upset. We were flat mates at uni and whilst we're not close enough to call each other all the time, 18 years later we still see each other from time to time. She came to my wedding 6 years ago, and also to both my kids christenings and we have occasional play dates with our kids and they go to each others birthday parties. I know her fiancée well enough too. I was really surprised not to be invited to her wedding but have been biding my time in case a late invite comes through. The wedding is this weekend and nothing has arrived. It's not your conventional wedding- more if a creative, festival/woodland type thing so I can't imagine numbers are heavily limited and another friend who i'd have considered less close to them has been invited. Frankly, I'm really quite upset, especially as she's posting about it on Facebook every ten minutes. I know it's not good form to say anything right now and spoil her wedding, but at some point after I would like her to understand that I am upset about it. I'm not good at confrontation and o don't think I could approach her face to face or on the phone but at the very least I'd really like to make a quite pointed dig when commenting on her Facebook photos when the wedding pics go up. Im quite sure that if I'm not invited to her wedding then clearly the friendship doesn't mean enough to her to be worth continuing with so I then intend to unfriendly her and be done with the friendship for ever. But what's a good thing to say?

Ideas for a really good comment please!!!

But she doesn't see you like that. And it certainly doesn't seem you like her very much.

Sorry, crossed posts there too. I do like her, yes. It's hard to get friendship dynamics across online but the general feel I had was that these friends were not that dear to her. I'm starting to see a lot of things differently now.

Remember I'm writing all these from a place of being extremely hurt and upset.

I'd really like to make a quite pointed dig when commenting on her Facebook photos

There's no need for spite. Aside from anything else, you'll just make yourself look like a bitter twat.

But YOU feel the friends weren't that dear to her.

She clearly feels differently, can you see that? You can't know how close she feels to people, or somehow decide that she can't feel closer to x and must be closer to you.

On the basis of things she's said to me, yes.

But you've just illustrated yourself that how much time you spend with someone isn't a measure of the depth of friendship.

I have a friend I see once a year - I would actually check her availability before setting a date! And a friend I see quite often, our kids go up each other's parties etc... who would come lower down my priority list.

I understand you're hurt but really there is no need to start saying she's inviting people that will further her career! That's nuts.

She simply has people she likes more or wanted their more, brides and grooms have budgets and two sets of families and two sets of friends.

Decide to cool off if you want but I think you need to grow up a bit and accept that some friendships are slightly uneven without one side being unpleasant or 'wrong'. That's life. She just doesn't value your friendship as much as you do. It's not a crime.

there not their offs

You know what, I think I'm going to step back from this thread. I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. I see her but other people who don't can be closer, I don't see her and I didn't put in enough effort! Clearly she doesn't care enough about me to invite me. Of course I see that. Doesn't make me any less hurt.

I would make a point of being extra nice. Commenting on Fbook about how fantastic her wedding looked and how lovely she looked in her dress. Compliment her hair, make up - everything.
But recognise that you aren't close friends. Don't go out of your way for her and don't chase the friendship.

hugs OP. You can't help your feelings, when you're hurt, you're hurt. No one can tell you you're wrong to feel that way.

I think it's a crap thing to do and I perfectly understand you are hurt. I think re-evaluating the friendship is the way to go. It comes as a shock when it dawns on you that the friendship you thought you had is not what it seems.

What you've done is totally the right thing to do, take the upper ground and step back. She surely can't be so dim she wouldn't realise you aren't upset about this.

Nah, fuck that. She didn't invite you to her wedding even though you are supposedly very good friends yet she invites others who you know she isn't as close to. Defriend her and don't be a mug and wish her well in her photos etc as that's giving her permission to pick you up and drop you when she feels like it. I can't believe people here think it's ok for friends to do this and are suggesting just keeping on with the friendship like nothing happened. Not a chance!

I think you are totally right to be sad and hurt. She is clearly oblivious to both of that and it is a real
Shame.

Ignore those questioning how often you saw her, was it a real friendship.

To you it was and now you fee you've lost that.

But you have done the right thing sending a message as you did. Now unfollow her / unfriend her on FB and move on.

I think she sounds like a complete cunt tbh.

Don't give her another minute's thought.

Totally agree missMoo. Just to pretend this didn't happen would be like an elephant in the room forever.

I would 'disengage with dignity'. Cut her out of your life, but without making a big deal of it. Save your time and energy for better friends.

The groom fancies you, or she thinks he does.

It is always a far simpler reason than what you imagine and agonize over for days. People are never really that complicated.

How can anyone just carry on as normal when this would be an elephant in the room forever? (and have had similar happen to me recently with an awful afterthought invite for a wedding abroad, impossible to go to because of huge cost with very last minute flights etc. I suppose they can now say they asked me and I turned it down!)

I hope you feel better soon backtothe

I'd delete her from FB, block her number and never contact her again. I don't have time for people like that.

YANBU in the least.

To be honest Op I think I'd be upset too especially with the 'see you on the other side' bit.
Good that you sent her best wishes etc, leave the ball in her court but I'm sure it would make me feel like cooling off too.

was going to say that if someone doesn't invite me to their wedding they are doing me a favour but don't want to sound bitter. I'm not , it's just with the expense involved for outfits,gift,transport etc it can soon mount up .

Well.... the "see you on the other side" comment is just crass given you aren't invited. She is probably thinking "phew, at least backtothe isn't upset with me"! You are and you have every right to be.